“Anything?”

“No sir,” Zoe answered him firmly, her voice still as devoid of emotion as always. He, Zoe and Jayne were all on board Serenitydoing a little recon on where exactly his albatross had gone too. The girl had been missing for almost three months and Mal was starting to get a mite tetchy. He also did not like the way the doc glared at him any time they were in the same room together. For a reason Mal did not understand, Simon somehow blamed him for River’s disappearance.

Truth was, Mal blamed himself, so the younger man’s icy stares were really ineffective, from a guilt perspective.

Flipping off the screen, Zoe turned to give him a full report, pulling Mal from his musings. “Hodgins doesn’t know a damn thing, which isn’t saying much, but Tedins, I thought for sure he’d be able to help us.” Looking down at a data pad in her hand with some additional contact names in it, she turned hard eyes back to him and said, “I’m afraid that lead is cold.”

Sighing heavily, Mal had lost the energy to curse. Over two months of the same, chasing leads halfway across the ‘verse and then running into a brick wall. He had known if River wanted to disappear the girl could do it. He had just hoped that this had been some elaborate game on her part and that at any moment, on any given planet, she would jump out from around a corner and say, “Found you.” Then Mal would yell and scold, but at least she’d be back on board, where she belonged and the tension that held Serenity in a vice-like grip could finally go away.

But no such luck. “That gorram girl’s got skills,” Jayne muttered, from the well at the front of the ship. He had holed up down there, bringing some of his biggest and nicest guns out to clean while Mal and Zoe scoured the cortex for info. “Even I gotta admit she’s good at staying hidden.”

Exchanging similar grimaces, Zoe and Mal didn’t need to voice their thoughts. Mal rubbed a hand over his face, and asked his friend, “Got any other ideas?”

Turning an even more readable expression on him, Mal raised his hands in a sign of defeat and stood to get some space from the whole situation – and maybe find Inara. “All right, well, you just keep thinkin’ on that, and I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Where you going,” Zoe asked him, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“Got an idea,” he called back over his shoulder.

Jayne snorted, never taking his eyes off the scope he was polishing. “Yeah, he’s got an idea all right. It’s called sexin’.”

Zoe could only shake her head at the merc as she again turned to the computer, hoping that maybe today was the day River made an appearance.

***

River was quiet, at peace. She was aware of very little at the moment and it was a feeling she wanted to savor. There were no unwanted memories screaming through her mind; no terrifying visions clawing their way out from behind her eyes. There was just her, her thoughts, her emotions, her breathing and nothing else.

With a deep breath, River allowed her eyes to open and she focused on her surroundings, concentrating hard to memorize every aspect of the room. It was dimly lit, the only light falling through slanted windows where the ceiling met the walls. The adobe material of the structure gave it an earthy, lived-in feel that comforted River. There was incense burning in the corner, the hazy string of smoke wafting around the room while a stove on the opposite wall colored the floor with oranges and reds, making everything warm to the touch.

River felt as though she were floating – floating in a cocoon of comfort and security. She had been this way for a little over a month now, since she had left New Regina and put her plan into action. She shivered suddenly at the memory and standing in one smooth motion, she walked across the room to situate herself on the floor in front of the roaring fire.

Feeling better, River again settled into a meditative state, breathing in and out slowly as the monks had taught her. She smiled slightly at the memory, again thinking of Shepherd Book. Despite his reliance on symbols made of paper, he had been a good man with a kind heart and she knew he had been the one to send Malachi her way.

She had met him on the first ship she had stowed away on. Just a few days into the trip, he had happened upon her as she crouched in an illegal and well-concealed compartment. However, instead of reporting her presence to the ship’s captain or even just leaving her be, he had extended a hand and without knowing why, she had taken it.

They barely spoke, but Malachi seemed able to communicate with her on a level that transcended speech. Within just a few days she was meditating for hours at a time, learning techniques that would keep the voices and the memories at bay. By the end of her first week studying with him, she could sleep through the night with no nightmares.

Not knowing exactly where to go, she had followed the older man to his monastery, deep in the snow-covered hills of Illiad, and no one questioned the lithe girl that flitted about their home. There was no talking, no sound, no interruption except the lilting song of the occasional bird.

Surrounded by silence and the peace of gentle minds, River had learned how to control her abilities, how to live her life with a sense of normalcy that no drug of Simon’s had ever imparted to her. It saddened her to think of how hard her brother had worked to make her better, only for her to find a cure without him. But she hoped that his happiness at finding her well would temper his disappointment.

She missed him, terribly and thinking of him only served to bring a sharp stab of pain to her heart. She hadn’t meant to leave like that, running away before he’d even been fully conscious, but she hadn’t had a choice. River had known with certainty that it was time for her to go and so she had gone. She only wished everything in her life were that clear.

Now it was time for her to move on again, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to venture back into the ‘verse, hunting for the monsters who had created her in the first place. But she was stronger now, the monks had taught her how to hold herself together, how to keep control of her mind and she knew she was ready, mentally anyway, if not emotionally.

She doubted she would ever be fully prepared. There were so many unanswered questions and unspoken fears. But if she was ever going to truly be at peace she had to destroy them. She had to strike at the heart of the beast and watch as it bled to death. There was no other way.

And there was only one place she knew for certain she needed to go. Sighing heavily, River realized tomorrow was the day. Tomorrow she would start the five day trek back to the port city and find a ship to take her out of the world. Then she would start her even longer journey back towards the core to find the men who had created her. It would take her the better part of three weeks to get to Osiris, but it couldn’t be helped. That was where her nightmare had begun and one way or another, it would be the place where it ended too.

***

It had been three months since River had left. More accurately, it had been 93 days since River had disappeared; at least that was how Simon regarded it. His sister hadn’t just wandered off or decided to take a vacation, she had vanished with no warning and no hint as to her whereabouts. And that knowledge coupled with these past 93 days had been torture for him.

It angered him that River had disappeared with little explanation. Yes, she had left the capture and he watched it obsessively, looking for any clue as to where she might have headed, but it didn’t tell him what he needed to know. He needed to know why.

It angered him more, however, that River felt she needed to protect him. It infuriated him that he had allowed himself to be so vulnerable and now, even after she had vanished, he could do little more than scan through information Mal and the others managed to find from his bed, still unable to move without grimacing in pain and tiring quickly.

Kaylee tried to help, without being too disapproving, but Simon could see the pained expression on her face every time he ignored one of her advances or admonished him for not eating properly or resting. River’s words from the capture she’d left rang in his head, “Basically, don’t be a boob.” He was afraid he was not doing his best to live up to that request. But once she was back, once he had his little sister back on board safe and sound, then he could focus on Kaylee. But not before, no matter how much Simon ached for her, no matter how much he craved her smile and her laugh, no matter how much he truly loved her. He had to focus on River.

She was out there, right now, who knew where, roaming the ‘verse and looking for some of the Alliance’s most deadly agents – alone. That thought chilled his blood. Simon knew with a clarity that no one could possibly grasp what would happen if those men got their hands on River again. He knew their treatment of her this time would be ten times worse than before and he had very little confidence in his abilities as a doctor that he’d be able to counteract them. All the drugs in the ‘verse couldn’t repair a shattered mind or a broken heart. He had barely managed to bring River back from the brink of madness before and he had no delusions about his role in her recovery. Truth was, if they hadn’t found the Miranda message, Simon was fairly certain he would have lost his sister to her psychosis months ago.

Sighing heavily, Simon felt his eyelids drooping. Realizing that he was again going to drift into a drug-induced sleep, he set aside the latest stacks of information he’d been given and leaned back into his bed. He hated being so weak, especially when River had been so strong, sacrificing everything to get him out of that place and then sacrificing more by going after those hun dans herself. A small River-like voice in the back of his head told him that he had done the same for her once upon a time. But Simon didn’t see it that way. He’d had no choice but to break her out that place, damn the consequences. River’d had a choice. She could have stayed and waited until he was well; she should have. She shouldn’t have put herself in danger like that; not without him there to protect her.

He often oscillated between worrying for River’s safety and hating her for her foolishness; it seemed to be the only thing that kept him from going completely insane with worry. Sighing again, and unable to hold back sleep, Simon thought he heard the door to his room open as he began to drift off. His eyes refusing to open, Simon murmured hopefully, “River?”

Kaylee looked down at his peaceful and healing face and bit back tears. Sitting next to him on his bed, she took his hand gently and placed a kiss on his cheek. “No sweetie, it’s me,” she answered him, her voice low. “Get some sleep. We’ll find her.”

“Love you,” Simon said before sleep finally overtook him.

Kaylee held back a sob as she placed another light kiss to his forehead. “I love you,” she told him, wishing she knew for certain that he had meant the words for her and not his missing sister.

***

“I’ll be back. Get well.”

River? Simon knew he heard her voice. Turning his head from side to side, he scanned the dimly lit room, the white, sterile walls of the hospital glowing in the twilight. She wasn’t there, he was alone, but he could have sworn she had just been to see him, leaning over him, trying to reassure him that everything was okay.

Growing more frantic, Simon’s eyes darted from corner to corner as he heard her again, “I’ll be all right, Simon. Trust me.”

“No, River, just come back.” Simon’s voice sounded pathetic in his own ears, but he didn’t care. He needed her to come back so he could know for certain she was safe. But her giggles rained down on him from far away.

“Don’t be a boob. I’ll be back. Love you.”

“River!”

Simon sat bolt upright in bed, no easy task with at least half of his mid-section still covered in stiff bandages. Panting heavily, he took in his surroundings realizing he was back in his bunk on Serenity. And River was no where to be seen. He was alone.

Even Kaylee was not here with him. Not certain as to why, Simon’s mind refused to focus on anything else but his missing sister. Leaning back against the wall, he winced at the pain in his gut. While almost every other broken bone in his body had healed, his ribs were refusing to mend correctly. The doctors back at the hospital had wanted to keep him longer, but after promising to monitor his own recovery they had let Simon go.

Of course, monitoring his recovery and actually following the doctor’s orders were two totally different tasks and he had been quite lax on the latter. But not Kaylee. She had forced him, with her sunny, gentle way, to take every pill, do every exercise, eat every god awful protein snack she could find. Even when he’d moaned and complained she had still just fixed him with her brightest smile, batted her impossibly long eye lashes and asked him sweetly; and he always, begrudgingly or not, obliged her.

He couldn’t help it. She was the only bright spot in the past three months. Even when he had been a wretched idiot, she had never once wavered and Simon admired her strength more now than before.

Wishing he had the strength to go find her, he was pulled from his worry by her return. Opening the door quietly, she started at seeing him awake. “Oh, hey you,” she said, turning a big smile on him. “What’re you doin’ up?”

Shrugging slightly, Simon cast his gaze down to the bed. He was happy to see her, but his dream still haunted him. “Couldn’t sleep, I guess.”

Kaylee padded over and sat down next to him, taking his hand. “Had another dream, huh?”

Turning shocked eyes on her, Simon didn’t have to ask the question. Smiling again, but this time with more sympathy than anything, she placed a gentle hand on his cheek. “You talk in your sleep, hun.”

Simon returned her smile, but it held no joy and she knew it. Inching closer to him, she said, “Tell me about it.”

Simon shook his head slowly. “No, Kay, there’s no point. It’s just the same stuff, over and over again.” He didn’t notice the flash of hurt in her eyes as he continued. “I should probably just get some more rest. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get out of this ruttin’ bed,” he grumbled, shifting himself back down under the covers. Kaylee helped him reposition himself and then reached up to dim the lights for sleeping.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” she whispered, leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead.

“Where’re you going,” he asked her, already stifling a yawn. He was still on a strict regiment of pills which made him groggy at pretty much any hour of the day or night.

“Got some work I’ve been neglectin’ on Serenity,” she told him, lying easily. She was glad the room was dark so he wouldn’t see her tears. “I’ll probably be down with the engine most of the night.”

“Okay, don’t work too late,” he murmured, drifting off.

Kaylee pushed opened the screen door and watched his eyelids close all the way, his chest rising and falling in regular intervals as he fell to sleep. Feeling completely useless, Kaylee sighed and shut the door, heading for the engine room. At least she still had a ship that needed her.

***

Mal sighed contentedly as Inara nestled herself against him, her bare skin warming against his own. She had moved back into the shuttle not too soon after they had made it off of the planet and Mal was thankful for the privacy and the comfort. He loved his own bunk, but it really wasn’t appropriate for a woman like Inara. She deserved all the luxury and richness his meager existence could afford.

He’d had every intention of asking Inara for help in tracking down River, but as soon as he’d entered her shuttle, he knew that wasn’t what would transpire between them. And he’d been right – within minutes they were a tangle of limbs, the only thing either of them could concentrate on was the feel and touch of the other. And now, Mal felt guilty.

The girl was out there, somewhere in this impossibly large ‘verse, all by her lonesome and it made Mal all sorts of uncomfortable. It bothered Simon, Mal knew, and secretly he was glad the doc still wasn’t well enough to move around on his own; Mal didn’t like having to face the disappointment or anger in the younger man’s face.

“What is it?”

Inara’s gentle whisper brought Mal out of his reverie. Glancing down to the top of her head Mal considered not answering her, maybe even feigning sleep, but he knew that would be foolish. Inara was trained to read people and he was as untrained as any at hiding his emotions.

“We’ve got nothin’,” he admitted, the defeat evident in his voice.

“You’re talking about River,” Inara clarified.

“Yeah,” Mal said, sighing again. “She’s been gone over three months.”

“And you’re worried about her,” Inara said, raising up on an arm to study his clouded features. She ran a hand through his hair, coaxing him to tell her more.

“'Nara, for all we know she could be dead by now,” Mal said quietly, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “The longer we go without a lead, the more likely that option becomes.”

“Mal, River’s smart and she’s strong. And she’s learned how to survive from both you and Simon,” Inara assured him, getting a surprised look from him. She smiled patiently and continued, “You know that’s true. River feels close to you, she knows that you care for her and that you consider her and Simon a part of this family. You have to trust that when the right moment comes to find her, you will.” Inara leaned down and placed a light kiss on his lips before settling again at his side.

Wrapping his arm around her shoulders to draw her to him, Mal sighed heavily and whispered, “Why can’t the right moment be now?”

***

Kaylee muttered a strong curse word before throwing her wrench against her workbench, the clattering noise it made barely registering. Bringing her now bleeding finger up to her mouth, Kaylee sighed heavily as she sucked on it to draw the blood out. Great, not only could she do nothing to help Simon or River, she now couldn’t even fix the ship.

Sitting down heavily on the steps leading into the engine room, she had to wonder what would become of them. Simon wasn’t getting any better. Sure most of his breaks had healed, but his ribs were still beyond sore and his inability to move much, if at all, was making him irritable. Couple that with the fact that they’d had no solid lead on River’s whereabouts and things had been looking particularly grim as of late.

What annoyed Kaylee more than anything though was her complete inability to do anything constructive. She had tried to nurse Simon back to health, tried to reassure him as often as possible that he would get better and River would be found safe and sound, but as the days dragged on into weeks and then months, even Kaylee’d had a hard time making those kinds of promises. The truth was, none of them knew how any of this would turn out, and although Kaylee liked to believe the best, her optimism was wearing thin.

As was her patience. Simon refused to talk with her about … anything. She had watched him struggle during those first few weeks in the hospital, watched him toss and turn at night in the throes of horrible nightmares. When he’d awaken with sweat along his brow and his heart practically beating out of his chest he’d always tell her he was fine, there was nothing she could do, but she was tired of being kept in the dark. She knew the dreams had to do with River and his fear of her being gone, but Kaylee had heard something else on those nights when Simon cried out in his sleep – her name. He always shouted it in a strangled manner and she knew that whatever was happening to her or to him was bad. But he wouldn’t tell her anything more. He would barely admit he had the nightmares.

The doctors on New Regina had told her a majority of his dreams and hallucinations were a result of the medication his torturers had pumped into his system. That had made Kaylee shiver. She remembered the early days with River on board. She had been hopped up full of drugs and hadn’t been too sane as a result. Even though it had been a few months and Simon’s body should have naturally expelled any of the remaining poisons, Kaylee secretly wondered if some of those toxins weren’t staying with him. But how could she know? He wouldn’t tell her anything.

Biting back tears of anger and frustration, Kaylee took a deep breath and wondered why River had done this, to Simon, to her, to all of them. She thought back to the capture the younger girl had left. She had played it over and over again in the first days after she’d gone when Simon had been barely conscious for more than a few hours at a time. The pained look in her eyes as she told Simon not to worry and the slight smile she had affected when she warned him not to be a boob were expressions Kaylee had seen before. But now, as she replayed the message in her mind, those moments were tinged with regret, because Kaylee feared she may never see her friend again.

Sighing again, Kaylee examined her injured finger. Deciding it would be fine and determining that working any more tonight would only result in further injury, she rose slowly, her muscles aching slightly and made her way to her and Simon’s bunk. Maybe she just needed some sleep. Maybe it would help.

***

Kaylee was beautiful. Even Simon, boob that was, had not been immune to her wide smile, her bright eyes, her perfect shape. He could see her now, sleeping beside him, her lips parted slightly as she slumbered, her hands curled under her chin. He watched intently as her chest rose and fell and reached out to run his fingers down the smooth, pale skin of her cheek.

As he stretched out his hand, an overwhelming desire to cause his love pain filled his core and without a second more of conscious thought, Simon drove the knife in his hand into her abdomen. Her eyes flew open in shock, the normally happy look replaced with a mixture of pain and fear.

“Simon?” She breathed out his name in her last breath before slumping, dead against the sheets.

“No!”

With a start Simon awoke, his breathing heavy. Shutting his eyes against the dream, he tried to will the images away – images of Kaylee’s dead, lifeless eyes staring at him, of Kaylee laying in a pool of her own blood.

As he opened his eyes, he realized some of his tears had started to fall and Simon again cursed himself for his weakness. Looking up suddenly he saw the door open and Kaylee enter, walking quietly so as not to disturb him. Simon didn’t say anything as she undressed and slid into bed beside him in the dark, being careful not to lean too heavily against his still mending side.

When he heard her roll away from him, her face to the wall, Simon let out a quiet breath and again thought on the dream – Kaylee with a knife in her gut, a knife he had put there, and him watching her die. Trying hard to banish the image from his brain, Simon was unable to stifle the sob that escaped his lips. It wasn’t true. He didn’t want to hurt Kaylee; he could never do that. It was all a nightmare, one giant nightmare that had started the day he’d been taken by those blue-handed men.

Kaylee heard his cry – how could she not – and immediately rolled over to face him, propping herself up on one elbow to look down into his face. The light in the room was minimal, but through the dark she could make out the fear in his face and the pain in his eyes. Biting her lip to keep her own tears at bay, she whispered, “Simon, sweetie, you okay?”

He nodded once, but was unable to lie to her. Reaching out a hand, he gently brushed his fingers over her cheek and she leaned into the touch, closing her eyes. As she sighed sweetly, Simon almost cried more at the contented sound. He had heard her make it dozens of times before – when they snuggled close, after making love, when he kissed her, but now it brought a fresh wave of pain to his heart as he remembered his deadly vision.

“Tell me, sweetie. Please.” He opened his eyes to be faced with her wide, deep brown ones and the expression there made his breath catch in his throat. Her eyes were so expressive, they told him everything. When she was happy, sad, hurt, scared – no matter what, Kaylee would never be able to keep her emotions from those that knew her best – her eyes would always give her away.

The same eyes that he had rendered lifeless in an instant as he’d rammed a knife into her belly. Squeezing his eyes shut, Simon said shakily, “It’s just a bad dream, bao bei. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He heard her sigh and thought perhaps he had fooled her. When he risked opening his eyes, he saw that instead of lying back down to go to sleep, she had sat up fully and was regarding him with a very annoyed expression. “That’s crap and you know it,” she told him, her exasperation clearly evident in her tone. “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened at that place, but Simon, you gotta face it sometime.”

“I’m facing it everyday,” he said, more anger escaping than he had intended. But gorramit, he was frustrated. “Everyday that River’s gone. Everyday that I can’t move, that I have to stay in this bed, just waiting – it doesn’t get more real that that, Kaylee,” he finished bitterly, lowering his voice.

He waited for her to lay into him again, and it didn’t take long. “That may be true Simon, but River chose to leave. I ain’t saying it was the right choice, but she made it. And we all are doing everything we can to find her. But what good are you going to be to her if you’re still waking up with nightmares and jumping at shadows once we get her back?” She knew the words stung, it was a blow to Simon to have his emotions so readily on display, but at this point Kaylee’d say just about anything to snap him out of this defensive and foul mood. “If you don’t talk about what’s eatin’ you up, then you’re going to need more help than River ever did.”

She waited just a few minutes to see if he’d say anything. When she was greeted with silence, she rose in a huff and dressed hurriedly. Reaching to open the door, she paused as Simon said quietly, “I’m sorry, Kaylee.”

Not turning to look at him, she asked, “Sorry for what?”

When he didn’t have an answer, she sighed heavily and bit back a sob, exiting the room and retreating to her old bunk. She was down the hatchway and lying face down on her old bed by the time her tears came.