A/N: This chapter is a bit longer than the others, so part IV might be a tad shorter.

Thanks to all who have read and reviewed - your encouragement keeps me writing.

And a huge thank you to Leiasky who is the master of all things angsty and who also acts as the perfect sounding board!

***

River woke from a restful sleep, something she had grown increasingly accustomed to after she’d spent time with Malachi and his friends. She was enjoying her body’s ability to recharge for hours at a time just like everyone else. It made it much easier to get through the day, and it would make it much easier to fight the coming battle.

She was still a good two weeks out from Osiris, but she could already feel the rising tension. She could feel the weight of her mission bearing down heavily on her and she had almost called Simon a half a dozen times. But she couldn’t, not yet, for a variety of reasons. The main one being he was not fully healed and she didn’t want to cause him anymore pain. Plus, if she brought him into this, he wouldn’t survive it anyway.

In fact, he was what had woken her. It was still the middle of the night or at least what passed for the middle of the night out in the black and she had felt his anguish from halfway across the ‘verse. Sighing heavily, River retreated into herself, trying to again focus on his emotions and with sharp clarity, she realized what he was upset about – Kaylee. He was being a boob and after she had told him not to.

River hoped he didn’t do anything permanently stupid. Kaylee was the best thing that had ever happened to Simon and River was determined to keep it that way. But her brother’s love life could not be her focus right now, she had to instead focus on the blue hands and what they wanted from her. Or more accurately, who they were working for.

She had known for a while that the blue hands were merely puppets in a much bigger and far more elaborate world. She had never really had the time or inclination to try and figure out their inner workings, but her long journey back to the core had given River plenty of time to puzzle it out.

She had spent a little time on the Cortex, sifting through data, reading about Blue Sun and its various links to the Parliament, the Alliance, the war. She hadn’t discovered anything helpful, not really, only learned that the blue-handed men were no where on any record to speak of. And she wasn’t surprised.

Secret government agents who flew under the radar were as old as the ‘verse itself, especially when their primary mission in life was to find exceptionally brilliant children and turn them into weapons. River had spent a few days mining her memory for information regarding the Academy, but it was locked deep down. And with good reason; she didn’t want to remember all the horrible things they had done to her there, all the tests they had performed and the drugs they had used, all the surgeries to get at her brain. But still, if she wanted to strike at the heart of their organization, she needed to have as much intelligence about the Academy as possible, which could only lead her to one place.

She didn’t relish the thought of seeing her parents again. Of course, the last time she’d seen them she’d been recaptured by the Academy and tested on, only to have Simon have to risk his life to save her again, so that seemed a pretty good reason for her apprehension. But her cautiousness would serve no purpose now. As far as River could tell, her parents were the only people she knew who had any kind of insight into the Academy’s inner workings. Going to them was a necessary evil – she just hoped it wasn’t the last unadvisable thing she ever did.

Sighing again and clearing her mind, River lied back down in her narrow passenger bunk and tried to regain her peaceful sleep state. No matter who or where she went for help, rest right now was paramount to her success. And thanks to her new, quieter brain, she actually had a shot of getting some.

***

Zoe was on the bridge, despite the lateness of the hour. She spent many nights up here and now that River was gone, she felt it was her duty to stay up with the stars and keep her man’s dinosaurs company. She glanced down to the little plastic toys, still artfully arrayed across the console, with plastic palm trees interspersed. The tableau brought a smile to her lips, but it faded as quickly as it came.

She missed him, there was no other way to put it. She missed her husband. Wash had been so much more to her than a best friend, he had been her life line, the one and only person in the ‘verse who had let her be vulnerable and sexy and sweet. The minute she’d lost him, she’d lost all of that, and her chest ached to feel that comfortable again, if only for a moment.

Zoe knew in her head that she could still have a chance at all that. She knew that she was still fairly young and fairly good-looking and that she still had a lot to offer someone. But she knew in heart that she wouldn’t. That part of her life was closed now, she would still love her family, the captain and Kaylee and River and Simon and Inara and even Jayne, but she would never love another person so deeply that she would forget to breathe; she would never love another person so much that she would memorize every aspect of his face. Zoe knew that wasn’t possible, not for her.

Hearing someone behind her, she turned just in time to see a teary Kaylee retreat into her old bunk. Sighing softly, she silently cursed the doc for whatever fool-brained thing he’d done now. The last few months had been tough on him and, by association, on Kaylee. Zoe had watched the young woman try to maintain her cheery disposition, even as Simon swung from irritated to frustrated to depressed and back again. Zoe gave the mechanic credit; she was fairly certain that was she in Kaylee’s place she would have slapped the good doctor by now and told him to snap out of it.

Looking back to the dinos before her, she reached out to pick up the stegosaurus, always Wash’s favorite. Clutching the small plastic creature, Zoe closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Everything looks fine from up here, right sweetie,” she whispered into the night, convinced that she could hear Wash’s laughter floating around her like a cloud.

***

Jin had still not found the girl and it was becoming annoying. He had sent every agent at his disposal in various directions across the ‘verse, hoping that they would eventually make themselves useful, but so far, no luck and now the entire situation was testing his patience.

Working with River Tam had been one of Jin’s first assignments when he and his partner had been stationed on Osiris, at the Academy. Training the girl, testing her, had brought about some of the most advanced scientific discoveries regarding the human mind and it was a fact that Jin still delighted in. As an agent, he wasn’t supposed to feel pride, but he had felt a definite swelling in his chest, every time River’s honed abilities far outshined the other students. The girl was remarkable.

As a result of her superiority, Jin and his partner, Ming, had managed to push her farther than any other students. The girl had suffered for it of course, advanced psychosis and neural deterioration the obvious side effects, but both men had considered these necessary evils for the weapon they would shape.

It was only when River’s body and mind had started to reject the treatments that the two men had begun to disagree over her care. Ming had always had a soft spot for the girl, something Jin would never and could never understand. Having been grown and trained to be a blue hand, Jin had no idea how his partner could even harbor an inkling of compassion, but he had, and so Jin had found their progress stymied at every turn by his partner’s inability to make the hard choices.

So Jin had killed him. It had been easy, very easy and it had earned him the red-gloved status. It had also earned him a higher position and so, with sadness, he’d been forced to leave the Academy and his pet project behind. Three weeks later, she’d been taken, by her brother. The rage Jin felt at such a loss was incalculable, but like any good Government worker he suppressed the feeling, content to spend his time tracking her movements. Maneuvering himself to be the agent in charge of her recapture had not been hard; actually recapturing her had proved to be another matter entirely.

And so now, here he was again, solely dedicated to finding and kidnapping River Tam, with barely a clue as to her whereabouts; utterly unacceptable and utterly infuriating.

He had already tried to go through the brother which had failed miserably. And he suspected there was no reason to believe she’d feel any allegiance to her parents seeing as the two of them had turned her over to his agents, not once but twice.

Jin supposed his only option was to try and connect with the girl. He had been avoiding the tactic as he found entering another’s brain completely reprehensible, but at times like these, it couldn’t be helped.

Ordering the room to be prepped, Jin took a deep breath and steeled himself for the coming unpleasantness. All in the name of science and progress.

***

When Simon awoke the next morning, it was with a pain so intense he thought for sure he would simply pass out again. Opening his eyes slowly, he noted the odd angle at which he had fallen asleep and also noticed the emptiness of his bed. It wasn’t really the physical pain that bothered him, it was emotional; he had pushed Kaylee away, again. And he wasn’t at all certain she would be coming back.

Just about ready to throw something very heavy against the wall, Simon heard a small knock that stilled his rage. Hope welling in his chest, it took him a few seconds to realize that Kaylee would not knock on the door to her own room. Swallowing thickly, he called, “Yes?”

“Simon, it’s me,” Inara’s cultured voice reached him through the screen. “May I come in?”

Sighing heavily, Simon knew he was really in for it. If Inara were here instead of Kaylee than that mean his bao bei was so mad at him she couldn’t even face him – which meant Inara would have some choice words for him.

Knowing he deserved whatever either woman could throw at him, he responded, “Yes.”

Inara pushed open the door and stopped short at the sight of the young man before her. She had seen Simon tired, angry, injured – but she had never seen him beaten. The look of sheer defeat on his face made her heart instantly go out to him and she blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears that pricked her eyes. Walking fully into the room, she sat at the end of his bed and took his hand gently.

“How are you,” she asked, knowing the answer, but still wanting to hear his opinion.

“Okay, I guess,” Simon said, his voice even more non-committal than usual. Shifting to get more comfortable there was no hiding the wince in his features as the movement brought fresh waves of pain.

Instantly, Inara moved to help him, supporting his back and adjusting a pillow. “Thank you,” he grunted, still panting against the pain in his abdomen.

Inara studied him for a moment more and than forged ahead. What she had to say wouldn’t get any easier by delaying it. “You upset Kaylee last night.”

Simon squeezed his eyes tight against her words wishing they weren’t true, but knowing better. He’d been there, he had seen the hurt look on Kaylee’s face, had heard her sob before running from the room. He seemed to have an unnatural talent for causing the love of his life pain and he hated it.

“Simon, I know you’re trying very hard to be strong right now,” Inara told him, again placing her hand over his. She remembered a similar conversation she had with the mechanic almost a year ago when Simon’s parents had reappeared. “I know you think that’s the only way you’re going to get through this and I know you hate relying on other people for help.”

Simon grinned tightly at her assessment. The Companion was trained to read people and she had read him like an open book. “I can’t say you’re wrong,” he told her, his voice full of sarcasm.

“Good, because that would be a lie and we both know it,” she chided him gently, her heart warming when he flashed her a genuine smile. “And since I so obviously know you, I’m going to give you some advice.”

Simon looked to her expectantly, wondering if the woman could actually fix what was wrong with his relationship with Kaylee. He doubted it, seeing as whatever was fixed today he’d more than likely screw up tomorrow, but he could still hope.

“You have to tell her.”

Simon’s breath caught at her words. How did she know? How did Inara, of all people, know what they had done to him in that place? How could she know that he awoke every night in a cold sweat fearing that he had slid a knife into Kaylee’s gut and watched her bleed? Studying her dark features more closely, Simon realized, she didn’t know. All she knew was that he was keeping something from Kaylee and that secret would be the end of them.

“I know you don’t want to,” Inara continued, recognizing the fear that played across his features. “I know you think you’re protecting her, but you’re not, Simon. You’re only pushing her away and I know that’s not what you want. Is it?”

Simon again held her gaze and felt such shame at his behavior. His cheeks flushed hot as his gaze fell to the bed. “No,” he whispered.

“I didn’t think so,” Inara told him, squeezing his hand and rising to leave. “I’m not going to pretend to understand how hard any of this has been for you. But I do know how hard it is to love someone who won’t open up.” Her eyes focused far away for a moment and Simon knew she was thinking of Mal. He could be as stubborn as anyone. “If the roles were reversed, you’d want Kaylee to confide in you. You have to trust her.”

Simon watched the companion exit the room as gracefully as she had entered it. Slumping back against his pillows, he sighed heavily and again cursed that he was unable to get out of this bed. He needed to find Kaylee, to talk with her and make her understand that all of this was about him, his weakness, it had nothing to do with Kaylee or her love for him or his love for her. But he couldn’t. He literally could not get up and go to her.

Or maybe he could. Steeling himself against the pain he knew the movement would bring, Simon slowly, gingerly, eased his legs over the side of the bed, grimacing with every motion. It didn’t matter – he had to fix things; it was his responsibility to make this right.

***

“Simon Tam, what in the ‘verse do you think you’re doing?”

Simon grimaced, not only from the pain, but from the edge in Kaylee’s voice. Leaning heavily against the metal wall of the common room, Simon panted slightly, his body aching and rebelling against the exertion. He had only taken perhaps a dozen steps before his ribs and still-healing legs had let him know that this much movement was not advisable. Of course, he was glad he’d managed to find Kaylee, she was the reason he was out of bed after all. He just wished he didn’t feel so ruttin’ bad in the process.

Deciding to try and mask his discomfort, he said weakly, “Hi Kaylee. How’s your day been?”

“Simon Tam, I swear to all the …” She allowed the curse to fade away as she came to his side and brought a strong arm around his waist. He winced as she tightened her hold, putting pressure on his ribs. Looking at him, she smirked. “Did that hurt?” When he didn’t answer her, she continued, “Good. Maybe it’ll teach you a lesson.” She instantly regretted the slight jab, knowing that wasn’t fair. Simon was in more pain than she could possibly imagine and making fun of that wasn’t right. Trying to ignore the blush that crept up her cheeks, she guided him back to his room and back to his bed.

Simon watched her intently as she helped him in silence, her eyes never meeting his, her hands never stilling as she adjusted his pillows, his blankets, putting everything just the way he liked it. His heart swelled at just the nearness of her, at the sight and smell of her, but he knew he had no right to expect any more comfort from Kaylee – not until he told her the truth.

When she had finished, she gazed down at him for a moment and abruptly broke the look. Blinking rapidly to keep fresh tears at bay, she turned to leave. “Kaylee.” His voice called her back and she paused, her heart thudding in her chest, silently praying that he would ask her to stay.

Swallowing hard, Simon tried to abolish his fear as he said, “Stay, please. I need to talk to you.”

Kaylee sighed in silent relief as she slid the door shut and turned back around to face him, leaning against the screen. Simon wanted her to come closer, he wanted her to sit next to him, so he could touch her and reassure her that everything was all right, but he had no right to ask. This was his fault and until he fixed it Kaylee had every right to do what she felt was best.

Simon was still sucking up the courage to actually voice his fears, when Kaylee said quietly, “You are gonna say somethin’, right?”

Simon smiled weakly and she returned the expression and it was all he needed to bolster his flagging courage. “I haven’t been fair to you,” he started slowly, willing his voice not to break. “These past few months have been hell on all of us, but I’ve made it worse on you by being such an idiot.” He risked looking back into her eyes and saw his own emotions reflected back at him. Biting his lower lip to hold in his tears, he said, “I am so sorry.”

Kaylee gazed at him a moment longer and then finally crossed the room to his side. She sat next to him, so close he could feel the heat from her body, could smell her clean scent and Simon closed his eyes against the familiarity. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and have things back to the way they’d been, but she deserved more of an explanation and he would give it to her.

“Simon, you gotta tell me what’s going on,” she whispered, reaching out and taking his hand in both of hers. She raised it to her lips and gently kissed his palm. His entire body shuddered at the contact and he wished against every star in the ‘verse he felt well enough to act on those emotions. But that wasn’t what this was about.

Reaching out, he placed a gentle hand on her cheek and said, “I know. It’s not fair that I’ve been so awful. You haven’t done anything wrong. All you’ve done is stuck by me and cared for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. You’ve been wonderful.”

“Well, I love ya,” she told him sheepishly, blushing as he paid her so many compliments in such a short span of time.

“And I love you,” he reassured her, placing a finger under her chin and bringing her eyes back up to meet his. “That’s why I have to tell you about what happened to me, in that … that place.”

Simon swallowed hard hating the fear that welled in his chest as he thought back to those few days, strapped down on that cold table, the blue-handed agents poking and prodding at him, cutting him, breaking him, forcing him to dream nightmarish thoughts so they could read his brain waves. He shivered at the memory and Kaylee edged a little closer, pulling the blanket up around him in the process, trying to make him warm.

He smiled softly at her and finally said, “This is really hard for me, bao bei.”

She smiled back and kissed him lightly. “I know,” she whispered, keeping a hold of his hand and gently stroking over the now healing cuts and bruises from where the metal bindings had strapped him down. “Just take your time. I ain’t goin’ no where.”

Simon tried to return her grin, to reassure her that everything would eventually be all right, but he didn’t have it in him; not now. “You know that they loaded me up with a lot of drugs while I was there, right?” Kaylee nodded once, her expression blank as she settled in to listen. He swallowed again and continued. “Well, I don’t know the names of all the ones they used, but I know their effects. Most of them were hallucinogens.”

Kaylee kept a tight hold of his hand and Simon had to take another deep breath, his heart beating rapidly as he remembered in a flood of images all the different nightmares his brain had conjured while he’d been captured. The one of Kaylee dying next to him, a blade in her gut that he had placed there; the sight of Kaylee and River disappearing right before his eyes; his own death, alone and cold; and the pain, the overwhelming, mind-numbing pain that he was still living with.

Blinking back sudden tears he willed his voice steady as he continued, “The hallucinogens are designed to stimulate different parts of the brain, meant to bring about all kinds of different images. The drug itself won’t necessarily induce good or bad dreams, it depends on the patient’s mental state at the time of administration.” It was easy for him to speak of himself in the third person; Simon had found that to be one of his saving graces during his days as a trauma surgeon – if he spoke of the patient as a thing he didn’t need to feel sadness or shame or loss if something bad happened. It was the same when speaking of himself, when remembering the pain he had suffered.

“Simon, what did those drugs to you,” Kaylee whispered, reaching up to rest a hand on his cheek. Simon met her gaze against his better judgment and her expression brought unforeseen tears to his eyes. The pain she felt at his obvious trauma wrenched in his gut.

“I had dreams, Kaylee,” he whispered, again dropping his eyes to study his blanket. He couldn’t look her in the eye while he told her this, he just couldn’t. “Nightmares, really. They were testing my reactions. I heard one of them mention that they wanted to compare my results with River’s. That thought alone caused me such despair, to know that they had done these same things to her, and when she was so much younger. I can’t even imagine –"

“Simon.” Her voice brought him back from that dark place, and he shook his head slightly to clear the thoughts. “This is about you, sweetie. Tell me about those dreams.”

Simon could hear the hurt in her voice, her need to know battling with her deep desire not to. She was strong, stronger than anyone on this ship gave her credit for, but not Simon. Simon had learned over the past two years to never sell Kaylee short and he would be damned if he’d ever underestimate her again.

But he didn’t want to tell her this, even though he knew she could handle it. The truth was, Simon was the one who didn’t think he’d survive it. If he told Kaylee about his nightmares, about the vision of him causing her harm, he feared she would never look at him the same again and that was something he could not handle. He could not risk losing her; not now, not after everything he’d been through, not with River gone. He didn’t want to be alone, not anymore. He had spent a good part of his time on the run doing everything for someone else, for his sister. He had finally accepted that maybe there was room in his life for someone special and wonderful like Kaylee. And with everything he was he did not want to let that go.

He felt her warm hand on his cheek and looked up to meet her bright clear eyes. Those eyes that he still marveled at every day. “You can tell me anythin’,” she whispered.

Nodding once, Simon leaned forward to grab both her hands and he started again, his voice halting as if afraid he’d run out of strength at any moment. “The dreams were fairly benign in the beginning. A little scary, but nothing I couldn’t handle.” He continued to explain. “I’d be on the ship and I’d be lost or River would be right beside me one minute and then gone the next. The drugs simply found the weaknesses in my psyche and started to prey on them.” He swallowed hard and then forged ahead. He tried to ignore the tears forming in the bottom of Kaylee’s eyes. “But after the first twelve hours or so, once they had worn down my body, I was in a lot of pain. Overwhelming pain actually. All the broken bones and cuts and … well, they didn’t give me any pain medication,” he muttered bitterly, trying not to relive those excruciatingly painful days but having no choice.

His own tears, which he had been trying to contain fell softly now and he had no choice but to let them come as he continued. “The drugs, coupled with my brain’s own way of compensating for the pain created a pretty potent combination and the dreams, they were … horrifying.” The last word hung between them. He wished that was enough, but he knew that wasn’t fair to Kaylee. She deserved to know all of it, so she could make an informed decision about the kind of man he was and whether she wanted to be with him.

“Oh Simon,” she breathed, running her hand through his hair and placing light kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, his lips. She cried now as well, not wanting to hear more.

“Bao bei,” he told her quietly, pulling her back from him so she could again look into his eyes. “You deserve to know.”

She nodded once and Simon tried to move past his own sadness. “I dreamed that you and River … well, you vanished, from right in front of me.” His voice turned desperate as he remembered his frantic searching from the dream. “I looked for you both, but I couldn’t find you anywhere and I knew you were gone. That you’d both been taken from me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

Overcome with pain and fear, Simon’s words dissolved into sobs. Not caring how much else he had to tell her, Kaylee leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing her to him. He leaned into her, taking comfort in her warmth, taking safety in her arms. He knew she was crying with him and he would give anything to dry her tears. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop his own, much less anyone else’s.

“Simon, we’re okay. You came back and River and I were right here,” she reassured him, her own voice broken with emotion. “And River, she’s gonna be all right, we’ll find her, you know that.”

He nodded once, not convinced but unwilling to contradict her. After several more moments, he had collected himself enough to say, “There’s something else.”

Kaylee pulled back from him slightly, wiping his wet cheeks with her hand. She gave him a watery smile that buoyed his heart, even though he couldn’t return it. “Tell me.”

“I hurt you.” The statement was short, but Simon felt it was all he could get out at the moment. He froze with fear, waiting for her reaction; waiting for her to storm from the room, to scream and cry and tell him that she could never love him. He could barely breathe as the seconds ticked by.

Kaylee’s eyes did not widen in shock, she did not stiffen in his arms, she did not even recoil at his touch. She did none of the things Simon had expected. Instead, she reached up and kissed him firmly on the lips, displaying a passion and tenderness for him that they had not experienced since before he’d been taken away.

Despite his own reservations, Simon leaned into the kiss, returning everything she gave him and more. He worked his hands up into her hair and felt her fall against him. Even though it hurt, he didn’t care. Simon wanted her and he needed to know she was all right.

When they parted, Kaylee leaned her forehead against his and whispered, “You didn’t hurt me, honey,” she told him. “You didn’t and wouldn’t. I know that.”

“I’m so sorry, Kaylee,” he said, running his fingers through her hair, apologizing for things he had never done, would never do, but felt guilty for all the same.

“Hush, Simon,” she said, raising a finger to his lips. “There ain’t nothin’ to apologize for. None o’ that, no matter what it was, was real. It was just a nightmare. It was your brain workin’ over time, and those monsters trying to break you. It wasn’t you.”

Taking her face in his hands, Simon met her watery eyes and gazed into them. He could easily get lost in her eyes, he had, actually, on more than one occasion. “I would never hurt you, bao bei,” he whispered, his voice full of a strength he hadn’t felt in months. “You have to know that.”

She placed both her hands over his and gently pulled his arms around her so they encircled her waist. “I do,” she murmured, leaning her head against his chest. Simon let her, despite the pain it caused. He needed to hold her.

“I won’t ever doubt you, Simon Tam,” she told him, her breath warm against his neck. “So don’t you ever doubt yourself.”

“I wish it were that simple,” he murmured, pressing a light kiss into her hair. Completely exhausted and feeling more at peace than he had in a long time, Simon drifted off to sleep in minutes, Kaylee cuddled into his side, and for once, the dream did not come.

***

Sleep was a peaceful state. The mind and body in harmony with one another, content to work toward a common goal of recharging and rejuvenating the body’s systems and organs. It was the easiest way to enter a subject’s mind and luckily, Martin Jin had happened upon River Tam in such a state.

The girl’s mind was nothing like he remembered. At one time a mess of memories and data she had been working, quite diligently if the outcome was any indication, to again order things. He could see rows and rows of information, neatly categorized. He could still see the piles and piles of mismatched data waiting to find its proper home, but overall she was well on her way to gaining control. And Martin Jin did not like the looks of that.

His consciousness wandered by the stacks of organized data and one by one started pulling them down, the bits and bytes falling in disarray at his feet. Smiling contentedly he’d just reached for another when the girl stepped into his path, a fire burning in her eyes that he remembered all too well.

He smiled at her, like a hyena smiles at its prey and thought, So nice to see you again.

Wish I could say the same.

Jin shivered involuntarily as it had just gotten extremely cold around him. You’ve learned a lot since we last saw each other.

You have no idea, she told him, her face contorting into a tight smile. Go. You’re not welcome here.

But River, I need to see you. You are coming, aren’t you?

I’ll be there. We have so much to catch up on.

Yes, that is true. And so much lost time to make up for.

She didn’t even flinch at the implication. Instead the dream image of her simply crossed the small distance between them and met his gaze. Go.

Goodbye my dear, he thought, turning to leave, only too happy to get out of her confusion. I’ll be waiting.

With a start, Jin came to, his body spasming slightly at the exertion. It was not easy to go into another’s mind and River Tam’s had been as disconcerting as he’d feared.

But it had worked. He knew the girl was on her way to him and that meant it was time to prepare.