Author's Note:

Here it is - the big damn series I have been touting in my last one. I really hope you all enjoy. Just a few quick notes:

* I don't own any of these characters and nothing within is meant to infringe on any copyrights. Everything belongs to the beautiful mind of Joss Whedon and Co.

* Main relationships will be Simon/Kaylee, Mal/Inara and early (to growing) River/Jayne.

* There are 29 chapters to this little "epic." If you don't want to get involved, just know you have been warned.

* Because there are 29 chapters, please, please, please keep in mind that everything will be explained in its own time, just hang in there and enjoy the angst!

Much thanks must go to Leiasky for being the best gorram beta out there - as well as for telling me to get off my butt and write it out! And for being the inspiration behind this piece - the idea came to me while reading her "Finding our Way" Series. So thanks!

And leave feedback - That'll make those 29 chapters come all regular like ...

***

A NEW LIFE, prologue: Nothing Lasts

***

It had been a week since Simon had walked off Serenity in handcuffs. A week since Kaylee had known with certainty that her life was over. A week since her heart had been broken beyond repair.

Kaylee wasn’t the girl they all knew, not anymore. She had stopped taking meals with the rest of them and avoided most of them throughout the day. She had taken to sleeping in the engine room, having only been able to stomach being in Simon’s bunk alone for a night or two. The memories of the room, the smells, the sounds, were too much for her. She was already in enough pain, staying in that bunk had just brought on more, more she knew she couldn’t handle.

She began to waste away as the week passed into two. Everyone had tried to reach out to her. Mal, Inara, Zoe, River, even Jayne, but with a politeness she did not feel, she pushed them away, told them to mind their own business and leave her be. After talking in circles for a few minutes more, each one of them had eventually gotten the hint and left her alone.

It was a devastating feeling, to lose the love of your life. Kaylee had had her heartbroken before; she loved too fiercely to be one of those cautious girls who never shared their feelings, never let their heart grow and expand to encompass another. But she had never truly loved anyone the way she had loved Simon and his loss, his absence in her life had hollowed her out on the inside. She was numb. She knew she would never feel the kind of warmth and safety she had while lying in his arms, listening to his heart beat. She knew she’d never feel the kind of passion and thrill she had as they’d made love, letting their bodies speak the emotions neither of them could put into words. She knew she’d never feel comfortable in her own skin again, not when she would be forced to walk through the rest of her life, alone.

***

Mal had had enough of Kaylee’s mood. He had been sympathetic to her at first, still was, truth be told, but enough was enough. The girl had been moping on his boat for well over a month now and it was time for it to come to an end.

Of course, for all of Mal’s bluster the real reason he had gathered everyone was because he was concerned, even frightened for Kaylee. She had not resumed her normal patterns since Simon had been gone. She had still refused to eat more than a few bites of food a day and the circles under her eyes indicated that she still found it near impossible to sleep. Mal knew if they, if he, didn’t do something soon, there’d be nothing of the old Kaylee left for them all to hold onto. And Mal couldn’t afford to lose her. She was his mei mei, his sunshine, and without her, his boat would be very gloomy indeed.

While the crew had respected Kaylee’s wish for distance, it didn’t mean they were oblivious to her movements. Mal knew that every night around one in the morning, she would come to the kitchen and make a pot of tea, then sit cradling the mug of warm liquid in her hands until it grew too cold to drink. Then, having lost interest she would pour it down the drain, wash the cup and wander back out of the kitchen and down to the engine room to keep tinkering.

So tonight, at twelve-thirty, he had ordered the crew to assemble in the dining area to await her arrival. Thirty minutes later, she didn’t disappoint.

If she was bothered by the sight of them all there, sitting around the table and intruding on her quiet moments to brood, her face did not show it. In fact, her face showed nothing much as it had for the past month. Instead of acknowledging them, she went about her usual business, warming the water and making her tea. Carrying the steaming mug to the table she sat at her usual seat, which they had left empty for her, and waited.

It was a full ten minutes before anyone broke the silence. “How’re you doing, mei mei,” Mal asked her gently, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table. She was two chairs down from him, Zoe in between them. She did not bring up her eyes to meet his concerned gaze.

“Right and shiny, cap’n,” she told him, her voice neither right nor shiny. “You all are up kind of late, ain’t ya?”

“Oh, gorramit girl, we’re here cuz o’ you,” Jayne blurted out, annoyed that he had to be up at this god awful time of night. But deep down, more annoyed that the doc’s absence on the ship and in Kaylee’s life could reduce her to such a state. He hated it.

“Ain’t my birthday,” Kaylee muttered, still not meeting anyone’s gaze.

“Cut the act, Kaylee, you know we’re here ‘cause we’re worried,” Mal said firmly, fed up with tiptoeing around the issue. Civility be damned. If getting angry with her would snap her out of this self-destructive mood, then Mal could get plenty angry. Inara reached out and placed a steadying hand on his arm, her eyes giving him just enough of a warning to know he shouldn’t push.

“Ain’t no reason, cap’n,” she said quietly, lifting her tea to take a sip. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” It was River’s voice, small and strong that got everyone’s attention. Whether it was because the girl’s voice had struck a nerve or just sheer surprise that made Kaylee turn her eyes on her, no one would ever know. “You’re not all right. Simon wouldn’t want you to suffer this way.”

Kaylee felt her cheeks flush at the mention of his name. “How do you know what Simon would or would not want,” she asked angrily, turning a fierce glare on each of them and letting it finally rest on Mal. “None of you knew him, not like I did.” None of you loved him, she thought to herself, swallowing hard to keep the tears down.

“Maybe that’s true,” Mal conceded, still not sure the best way to proceed. “But we know that you wasting away would not have made the doctor happy. He cared for you too much to see that happen.”

Kaylee snorted derisively, a noise all too foreign to her make-up. Mal studied her closely for a moment more and said, “Holding in all your anger at Simon being gone isn’t gonna make it go away.”

She turned that burning glare on him again and this time Mal flinched in spite of himself. “My anger at Simon,” she growled, rising slowly, and placing her hands on the table to steady herself. “Is that what you think? That I’m angry with Simon?”

“For leaving you,” Inara elaborated, trying to get the girl to take those burning eyes off of Mal. “Yes.”

Kaylee would have laughed at their stupidity if her anger hadn’t kept her from feeling any mirth. “I can’t -" She stopped mid-sentence and took a deep breath. When she stood to her full height, shoulders back and eyes again open, the emptiness that flooded the room under her gaze gave all of them a chill. Her face was once again an emotionless mask, the same one they had all seen for a month and it was as disconcerting as ever.

“I’m not mad at Simon,” she bit out, trying to keep her voice as stoic as her face. “I’m angry at you,” she said, turning her gaze to Jayne. His startled expression was quickly forgotten as she let her gaze travel around the room, blaming each of them in turn. “And you, and you. And you,” River’s face was impassive as Kaylee blamed her for her own brother’s capture. “But mostly, I’m angry at you,” she concluded, again bringing burning eyes to rest on Mal. The confusion on his face was almost comical; almost.

“Kaylee, that’s not fair.” Inara was hoping she could get Kaylee to see some sort of reason. Plus, Mal already felt guilty enough for the entire situation. Having his beloved Kaylee voice her hatred for him was only going to devastate him more.

“Not fair,” Kaylee repeated, her voice rising in volume and quickly on the edge of breaking. “Not fair! I’ll tell you what’s not fair. The fact that Simon, the only man I have ever truly loved is gone. And do you know why? Because you thought a job was worth more than his life.” She had rounded the table and gotten right up into Mal’s face, angry tears starting to fall. Poking a sharp finger into his chest, she continued. “How much was Simon’s life worth, Mal?” She bit out his name, saying it with vengeance. “Was it worth all the credits we got? Was it?” She whirled to face the rest of them, her anger now bleeding out of every pore, her tears coming fast, her voice remaining harsh.

“What about the rest of you? Did you all profit handsomely from Simon’s death?” Her voice was strangled in a scream and Mal tried to put an arm around her to comfort her now shaking body, but she shrugged him off, turning to face him. “Don’t you dare touch me,” she warned.

Everyone sat in stunned silence as Kaylee glared the captain down and won the battle, as Mal decided it best to sit back in his chair. “You could have stopped him,” Kaylee continued her tirade, circling the table. “You could have fought. You could have convinced him there was another way, told him not to leave. Killed that fed, anything. But you didn’t. Instead you all turned your back on a member of this crew and watched him be taken to –“ Her voice finally broke at the thought. She had tried so hard over the past few weeks to not picture Simon, bloody and bruised, waiting to be killed. She had tried to squash any image of him, happy or otherwise, so she wouldn’t have to feel anymore. So she wouldn’t have to bury her face in her hands and sob herself into oblivion, night after night.

Biting her lip to keep her tears at bay, she continued, “But no, now he’s dead and you, none of you,” she whispered fiercely, this time turning to glare at River, “Did anything about it.”

She was panting now, her breath ragged as she held in her sobs. No one knew what to say. Zoe and River both wiped away tears, while Jayne intently studied the floor. Inara reached a trembling hand over to clasp one of Mal’s who could only keep his gaze focused on Kaylee.

The girl he had met all those years ago had smiled with the light of a thousand suns and now, when he gazed at her, all he saw was a black hole where her sunshine had been. It made him sick to think he had had a hand in causing her that kind of pain.

“Kaylee, I didn’t know. I couldn’t stop it.” River’s voice was broken by tears, but she wanted to make the young girl understand. River had already lost a brother, she couldn’t lose a sister too. “We have to move on. It’s the only way to honor Simon.”

Kaylee almost laughed out loud and answered the other girl’s plea, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “Yes, I’m sure he would agree that the best way for me to honor him is to get fat and laugh my fool head off at the first stupid joke. To find some idiot of a man who doesn’t know right from left and get married and have fat babies on some backwater world. Yes, I’m sure that’s what Simon would want. For me to love again.” Her tears came unimpeded now and she couldn’t stop them no matter how hard she tried. She hadn’t cried since those first few days when he’d been off ship. She hadn’t spoken this much since those first few days after he’d left her alone. Alone, that’s all she was now. And for some ridiculous reason, the people in this room had thought they could fix it.

When some things broke, they couldn’t be fixed.

No one made a move to comfort her as she cried heavily, steadying herself against a chair back to keep her balance. Her body, weak and dehydrated, wasn’t up to the task of supporting such emotion and Kaylee had to will herself to stay standing. This wasn’t over yet.

Collecting herself somewhat, Kaylee left them sitting in dumbfounded silence while she washed and dried her cup. When she returned to the table, no one had moved. Gazing around at them all with cold detachment, she said, “I’m leaving. As soon as we land on Beaumonde, I’m getting off. I can’t stand to be on this ship, with any of you, for any longer than I have to.” Her words held venom that startled them all and when Mal again brought himself to look at her, her eyes burned holes into his heart. “I thought we were family,” she said, doing nothing to hide the disgust and disappointment in her voice. “How could I have been so stupid?”

With those scathing words, she left them all to stew in their own guilt while she packed her things and got ready to start a new life, all over again. Alone.

***

Memory augmentation was new to the Alliance, which was saying something. As the leading scientific and research organization in the universe, and backed with the support of such organizations like Blue Sun, there wasn’t much that the feds should have left uncovered. But with the need to discover and experiment on other areas of the human brain, memory, its effects and uses had been overlooked for quite some time.

But not anymore. With the backing of other influential benefactors, the Alliance’s Blue Hand Agents had developed a new understanding of and appreciation for the power they wielded to do whatever they wanted. It truly wasn’t a sign of arrogance, it was a fact. There was nothing, no person, no government, no power in the ‘verse that could stand in their way. They and their superiors had raised manipulation in all its forms to an art, and now, they were reaping the rewards.

This manipulation process however, of memory, was slow and painful. At least one month for the initial exploratory surgeries, then another month to adjust and alter the subject’s memory centers, including quite a bit of work on the temporal and frontal lobes of the brain. This was delicate work, taking multiple 12-hour surgeries to complete; one wrong cut, even the size of a millimeter could lead to irreparable damage that would leave the patient a vegetable. And the Alliance had not been paid exorbitant sums of money to create a vegetable.

While it still angered them that one man, one private citizen had the power and influence to dictate their actions, they refused to complain. Not only were they each being well compensated for their role in this patient’s reintroduction to society, they were also gaining invaluable information that would one day lead to applying these techniques to a multitude of Alliance citizens who had lost their ability to function in normal society. Well, not so much lost the ability as been forced, through various, unsavory methods to give it up. It was always a satisfying day for the agents when someone: a criminal, a lowlife, an enemy of the Alliance was rehabilitated back into their ranks as an Operative. It just seemed to make the ‘verse go ‘round.

So now, the man on the table before them lay with his brain exposed to the air, his skull open and ready for more poking and prodding. It would take at least another month, if not two, for him to recover to the point where he would be allowed back into normal society. Two more months of keeping him sedated so they could wait for his hair to grow back, for his scars to fade, for his brain to adopt the new life, or rather, the old life, these agents had created.

It was a slow process, painstaking even, but in the end, if the money was right and research was solid, it was worth it. Besides blue-handed agents did not ask questions like why; they simply found answers for questions like when, what and how.

***

Kaylee had already packed up her things from the engine room causing the place to look more desolate than ever before. Mal had already been down there and could only shake his head as the heart of his ship spun smoothly, while the real heart of his ship was utterly broken.

Now, he stood in front of Kaylee’s bunk, uncertain of how to proceed. He needed to suck up his courage, bury his pride and go down there, but Kaylee had been cold to him at best over the past six weeks and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the conversation they were about to have could easily chill him to the bone.

But it had to be done and he was the ruttin’ captain. She would have to listen.

Clinging to that false assumption, Mal pushed open the door and descended the ladder before he could change his mind. Pausing on the last rung, he stopped short at the sight before him. The room was bare, barer than it had ever been, even when he’d first bought the boat. All the little touches that had once made the place Kaylee’s had vanished, leaving cold, dark metal that did not gel with his mechanic at all.

She turned hollow eyes on him as he entered and then continued packing the box at her feet. “Oh, it’s you,” she said sullenly.

Mal cleared his throat, taking a few tentative steps towards her and then stopping. Wiping suddenly sweaty palms against his pant leg, he finally managed to say, “We’ll be to Beaumonde in a little under a day.”

Silence. Sad and angry all at the same time, Mal tried one last plea to get her to stay. “Look, Kaylee, you can’t go.” He watched from behind as her shoulders froze, her whole body going rigid at his words. “I don’t want you to go.”

For a moment he thought about repeating himself, certain that her non-response was an indication she had not heard. But with a fierceness that he’d seen all too often in the past few weeks, she rose and turned to him, a fresh fire burning in her eyes. “This ain’t about what you want,” she growled, holding her ground. “This ain’t even ‘bout what I want, ‘cause if’n it were, Simon’d still be here.” She paused, panting as she tried to stifle more tears. She’d done enough crying. “I am leavin’ and that’s final.”

Mal watched her bring her anger to a simmer and knew no matter what he or anyone else said, Kaylee was going. Even Inara had been unable to convince her otherwise and Mal had hated to see his girlfriend so defeated.

But Kaylee was still his family, his mei mei, and that meant he had to look out for her. “Then why don’t you let us take you home,” he asked gently, still not at all sure he liked the idea of dropping her on Beaumonde.

Turning with a forced patience, she told him. “Look, cap’n, I done told ya, I just can’t face them folk right now. I miss my ma and pa somethin’ fierce, but,” she paused for a moment trying to push more tears away at the thought of her parents. She hadn’t been to see them in quite some time and while she knew they could provide comfort to her, she didn’t want to be there. “But the Kaylee they knew, that girl don’t exist no more and until I figure out who I am and what all this means, I gotta be by myself.”

Mal digested her words having heard them plenty over the past few months. He still didn’t like it, and he definitely did not think Mr. and Mrs. Frye would like it, but it was what Kaylee wanted and he knew he had to respect that; especially now.

“Fine then,” he said quietly. Stepping forward, he handed her a small slip of paper. “Here.”

Kaylee kept her arms crossed over her chest and eyed his outstretched hand suspiciously. “What’s that?”

Giving her a look he had perfected over the years, he said, “Just take it, will ya?”

Obviously not happy about it, Kaylee obeyed, taking the paper, but not reading it. Matching her posture, Mal explained, “I know I can’t convince you otherwise, so I’m gonna stop trying. But Kaylee you’re still like a sister to me and I cannot in good conscious just drop you on Beaumonde with nothin’.”

“I don’t need your charity, cap’n,” she told him coldly, thrusting the paper back at him.

Getting a little angry himself, Mal pointed at it and said, “That ain’t charity. That’s hard, honest-to-goodness work with good folk.” He paused to take a deep breath and then said, “You remember the Everetts?” Kaylee nodded once and continued. “Well, I waved ‘em ‘bout a week ago, and Walt’s thrilled to have somebody’s talented as you to work in his shop. And Marie, she’s beside herself. You know how she thinks of you like her own.”

Kaylee actually cracked a smile at his last remark and even that tiny gesture was enough to warm his heart. It was the first genuine moment of happiness she’d exhibited since the doc’d been gone.

“The Everetts are good people,” Kaylee concurred, thinking on what Mal had arranged. It angered her that he had made these plans without her consent, but even she had to admit it was a relief. She’d been fretting something fierce over the past week at the sheer amount of unknowns she was about to face on Beaumonde. Truth be told, it wasn’t her favorite of all the planets in the ‘verse, but it was the first one they were stopping at and she would stay true to her promise of getting off. She had to get away from the pain and the memories and the betrayal that now permeated this boat. It was suffocating her.

Looking back to Mal, she tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes. His puppy-dog-look was almost worse than Inara’s. “I don’t want to be owin’ to nobody.”

“You won’t be owin’, mei mei,” he told her again, taking a step forward, but halting as she shot him a glare. “After all you’ve done for me and my ship, I figure this is the least I can do to repay ya.”

Kaylee thought on it a minute more, knowing she’d be a fool not to accept. But she’d be a bigger fool if she didn’t set some ground rules from the start.

“I ain’t gonna be seeing you or anybody,” she told him flatly, again blocking out the hurt in his face. “If’n I take this job and you come back to Beaumonde, don’t call me. And don’t try to use the Everetts as go-betweens neither,” she warned him. “They’re good people and they don’t deserve to be dragged into the middle of our mess.” She knew that once she spoke with Marie and Walt she wouldn’t need to worry about them giving her up, but she still wanted to be firm with Mal on what he could and could not expect.

“I just want us to be clear on how this is gonna work,” she finished quietly, swallowing back sudden tears.

“I understand Kaylee,” Mal told her, his voice rough with emotion. But it was a lie. He didn’t understand, not any of this. The last two and a half months had been a haze of events to him, each one more bizarre than the last. He wandered his boat every day listening for the laughter or the heated conversations or even the crying, any of the usual noises that brought his ship and her crew to life. But each day he was only met with silence, a silence so deafening he had actually prayed – yes, prayed – to be awakened from this nightmare before it was too late. Before Kaylee really left and their family was gone. But all the pinching in the ‘verse couldn’t rouse him and he had resigned himself to the fact that this – bad, worse and awful as it was – was his reality; and he hated it.

Realizing he had overstayed his welcome, Mal risked Kaylee’s scathing look and pulled her into a tight embrace. She was stiff in his arms and it was that which finally brought him to tears.

Pressing a kiss to her temple, he whispered, “You take care of yourself, mei mei.” Turning quickly, he left before she could see that his emotions had betrayed him. Kaylee stood silent in the middle of her bunk after he’d gone. Tears flowed freely down her face and for the incalculable number of times, her heart felt as though it was shattered.

Even as more tears came, she did not sob; no sound escaped her lips as she cried herself to sleep that night. The past two and a half months had given her plenty of practice at suffering in silence.

*** TBC