A/N: Thanks to everyone for the great comments and for continuing to read. I'm so glad everyone seems to be on board with this little (ha! 350 page) story of mine.

Continued thanks to Leiasky for being an awesome beta and the source of much amusement!

Leave that feedback and the chapter's will keep coming (and yes, that is a thinly veiled threat). *Mine is an evil laugh!*

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A NEW LIFE, ch. 4: Danger in Dreams

***

Simon, where did you go?

Startled by the quiet but insistent voice, Simon awoke quickly, his eyes searching the darkened room for the voice’s owner. But there was no one.

Swinging his legs out over the side of his bed, he rested his head in his hands, willing his heartbeat to slow to a normal rate. What was going on with him?

Rising slowly, he crossed the room and walked into the adjoining bathroom, splashing cold water on his face in an effort to shake the feeling of dread that was starting to permeate his entire being. Looking back up to the mirror he stared at his now damp face and for a moment did not recognize the man staring back at him. The eyes and hair and facial structure were all the same, but there was something off, something not right about the dullness to his expression, the hollowness of his eyes. Something was missing.

Sighing heavily, he turned and padded out of the room, flopping himself back down on his mattress. This was not good – any of it. He had been dreaming more and more every since he’d been to that ballet. The flash of memory he’d experienced that night refused to leave him alone and he found it haunted both his waking and sleeping. Even at the hospital, normally his sanctuary, he found himself catching glimpses of a dark haired girl twirling down the hallway. And when he’d go for a closer look, there would be nothing.

He had not told anyone about these hallucinations or the dreams. The dreams filled with the sad, inquisitive voice that begged him to come back, that wanted him to find her, whoever she was. As he slept he knew he should find her, that it was his duty, his responsibility to keep her safe, but each time he awoke the feeling was stymied by an overwhelming fear.

Coming back to practice medicine after having suffered a nervous breakdown, at the age of 26, is not easy. Simon would have thought, before he’d actually done it, that it was nearly impossible. But, despite all the odds and all the obstacles, he had managed to work his way back into his own life, rebounding from his mental break with a resilience that even his doctors had not expected.

Simon didn’t remember too much of his time before he went into the hospital. And truthfully, he didn’t remember too much of his time while he was in the hospital. He still had memories of his childhood, although they were sporadic at best. It had been part of the aftereffects of his treatment or so the doctors had said. He had suffered a break so severe that it was feared he would never function in normal society again. But through a strict and not particularly pleasant regime of drugs and psychotherapy, Simon had managed to find his sanity again.

The thought that he might be losing it for the second time sent a shiver down his spine. He’d only been back for a little over two months. He had been cautioned to take it slow, not rock the boat too much, so he had agreed to live back at home with his parents, take the shorter shifts at the hospital, work in the same place with many of the same co-workers. Everything had had a familiarity to it that Simon had to admit was comforting, but these memories or thoughts or hallucinations – whatever they were he found unsettling, at best.

He had toyed with the idea of talking with Alicia. While he had initially dismissed the thought out of hand, as the weeks and then months passed and the oddities kept mounting, he felt more and more pressure to confide in someone. He knew she would listen intently and try to help, she had been the most supportive of all his friends as he’d worked his way back to normal. But still … if he shared this with someone, he knew it would make it real, and Simon did not relish the thought of again being labeled “crazy.”

With another heavy sigh, Simon felt the pull of sleep and his eyes drooped shut. Rolling onto his side, he said a fleeting prayer as he drifted off that perhaps he could sleep through the rest of the night, sans hallucinations and disembodied voices.

***

“Simon, where did you go?”

That voice again, pleading, begging him to find her, to keep her safe.

“Hello?” His own voice echoed off walls he couldn’t see and he pushed forward despite his fear. Holding his arms in front of him like a blind man, he took halting steps, uncertain of where he was going, but sure he should be heading that way. “Who’s there? Can you hear me?”

“Simon, it’s me.” The voice was still disembodied, but now as it spoke it sounded hurt, upset that he could not remember, that he could not place the inflection to its owner. “Why don’t you remember?”

He continued to push forward, hoping that he would stumble upon a light at any moment. He still felt around absently in the dark, wondering if he might also stumble upon this person, this girl from the sound, who knew him, and who apparently needed him.

As he moved on, he became more frantic, a fear he could not explain gripping his heart as the voice became more and more distressed. “Simon, please, come back. I need you. Why did you go away?”

Tears he had not expected started to fall now and he called out, “I’m right here. Who are you? Please, answer me!”

Why couldn’t he see her? Why couldn’t he remember?

And was he real? River watched Simon wander aimlessly, confusion and fear evident all over his face. He seemed real, his perplexity and anxiety radiated off him, buffeting her like strong waves on an immobile shore. But when she reached for him, when she tried to find the parts of him that were her brother there was nothing. No familiarity, no memory of her having ever existed and that brought tears to her eyes that she was powerless to stop.

“Simon, please. Remember me.”

Inhaling sharply, River bolted upright, her small body shivering slightly at an unexpected chill. She was in her bunk and Simon was not there. Pulling her knees into her chest, River rested her cheek on top of them and thought back to the dream. Was he real? Was it possible?

Her brain wanted her to forget it, to dismiss it as an overly vivid dream, but her heart would not let it go that easily. He was her brother and even seeing him, confused and troubled, her heart swelled with the thought that he might still be alive. He might actually be able to come back to her and it filled her with hope.

But hope could be deadly; she knew that, better than anyone. And River was too smart and too logical to truly entertain the notion that her brother had been led off this ship by Government agents and not put to death. It was completely irrational.

She so wanted it to be true her chest hurt from the ache. Burying her face again into her knees, River started to cry, silent tears, wishing she knew for certain her brother was gone and knowing that even if she did, she would never be able to truly let him go.

***

Simon wasn’t at all convinced this was a good idea. Besides the fact that he was going to subject Alicia, a very good friend of his, to the inner workings of his sometimes bizarre family, he knew that having his girl-friend over for dinner was just another thinly veiled attempt by his mother to push them together.

Or perhaps not so thinly veiled. As Simon met her bright gaze across their parlor, he had to suppress a grimace. She had been far too giddy all day, flitting about the house, ordering the servants to make everything absolutely perfect. Never mind that Alicia had been to their home dozens of times in the past – she and Simon had often retreated to one of the mansion’s many rooms during medical school to study – Regan Tam seemed intent on ensuring that only her family’s best, most well dressed foot would be forward this evening. And it was making her adult son’s stomach flip with anxiety.

As he heard the doorbell sound, Simon crossed the room to his mother’s side and squeezed her shoulder. She looked to him with a barely contained eagerness and Simon said, “Mother, control yourself, or I will never invite Alicia over here again.”

Smiling at him with pure innocence, Regan gently patted his hand that rested on her shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about dear,” she said, casting a gaze past Simon to her husband. He too gave her a wide grin which also made Simon particularly nervous; his father was not known for his grinning. “I’m just so excited we get to spend a lovely evening with such a close family friend.”

Sighing, Simon knew it was out of his hands. Taking a deep breath, he returned his gaze to the door and waited for the steward to show Alicia into the room. As soon as she appeared, his breath caught in his throat. She was a beautiful girl, Simon had known that from the first minute he’d met her and tonight was no different.

Crossing the room to be by her side, he greeted her with a light kiss to the cheek. “Good evening,” he said, getting a grin from her in return.

“Hi there,” she told him, threading her arm through his as he guided her to the room’s couch to sit beside his mother. Once seated, she took both of Regan’s hands in her own and squeezed them gently. “Mrs. Tam, you have such a lovely home. It seems to get more beautiful each time I come.”

“Oh dear, aren’t you sweet,” Regan said, brushing away the compliment. Turning to Gabriel she asked, “Aren’t you going to offer her a drink, Gabriel?”

“Of course,” the older man said, his own features lighting at the sight of his son’s young friend. Alicia had been the perfect choice, in his mind, for the one person to full entrap Simon in his old life. So far, while his son had been slightly resistant to her wiles, he seemed to be coming around and that made Alicia all kinds of important to the elder Tam. “What can I get you my dear?”

“A glass of wine would be great,” she told him, smiling that brilliant grin. Simon took a seat off to the side, nursing his own brandy and trying to quell his rising fear now that the four of them were in a room together. He didn’t know why he should be so nervous, but he was and it bothered him.

“So, my dear, how is everything,” Regan asked, turning her full attention back to Simon’s date. “It seems as though I can never get Simon to tell me anything,” she added, shooting him an annoyed glare with no malice.

Smiling at him knowingly, Alicia cocked an eyebrow in his direction, before turning her attention back to Mrs. Tam. “Well, that’s probably because there’s nothing to report. Things have been going quite well. Thank you for asking.”

“Here you are, my dear,” Gabriel said, stepping forward to hand her drink over and placing a light kiss to her cheek in greeting as he did so. “It is wonderful to see you. You somehow manage to brighten up this dreary home.”

Alicia smiled as she brought the glass to her lips, giving Simon another knowing glance as she took a sip. She could read his body language, his uncomfortability at having her there. While she realized it should have offended her, it didn’t in the least. As they had started to deepen their friendship over the past few months, she had noticed his anxiety rise a bit. She had been to his house plenty of times before, had plenty of discussions with his parents, but tonight seemed different somehow. Whether it was a construct of her own internal hopes or a result of his increasingly odd behavior over the past few weeks she had yet to puzzle out.

Saving both him and her from any more embarrassment, the cook entered the room and announced, “Dinner is served.”

***

Simon was wondering how much longer this torture could go on. His mother had managed to ask Alicia, in very non-threatening ways, of course, her thoughts on marriage, working mothers and child-rearing, all in the course of an hour dinner. With each question, Simon’s inaudible groans became more audible and it was after her last question directed to his friend, something about college funds, that Simon had to put an end to it.

“Mother, please,” he whispered, turning an annoyed look to her. “This isn’t appropriate.”

“Nonsense, Simon,” Regan admonished him, waving away his concern and again turning her attention back to Alicia. “So, dear, what do you think?”

“Mother.” This time it was not a plea or a request, it was a command that sounded in his tone and it brought both Regan and Gabriel’s eyes to their son’s tense form. “I asked you to stop.”

Regan swallowed hard past the sudden lump in her throat and took a sip of her drink to mask her own embarrassment. “Simon, that’s enough,” his father bit out, shooting him a look that his son had long ago learned meant he was in trouble.

“I’ll say,” Simon told him, returning the sharp expression. Sitting to his side, Alicia cleared her throat and rested her hand on top of Simon’s, trying to reassure him. “Simon, it’s fine really. We were just talking about life in general.”

Simon turned a grateful grin to her, knowing he had been exceptionally rude, but having felt he had no other choice. As he looked in her direction, his eyes caught the empty chair across the table from her. Well, what should have been an empty chair. Now, instead of air he could see the form of a young girl, the same young girl he had envisioned at the ballet a few weeks before. She sat there, still and quiet with big brown eyes regarding him intently.

Then, with an eye roll, she muttered, You are such a boob, and was gone.

Picking up on his tension, Alicia squeezed his hand and asked, “Simon, honey, are you all right?”

Blinking rapidly, Simon stared at the once again empty chair, trying to again conjure that image. The image of a girl he should know, but didn’t, the girl who had danced once with reckless abandon and who had maybe once sat at this very table, trying to hide her exasperation with him. Who was she?

Realizing that all eyes were again focused on him and finding the scrutiny decidedly uncomfortable, Simon looked back to Alicia and gave her a half-hearted smile. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry.” Turning back to regard his parents, he repeated, “I’m sorry. Just a little tired I guess.”

The older adults nodded and then without further adieu his father pushed back from the table. “I believe it’s time to retire for an after dinner drink. Ladies?”

Motioning them from the room, Regan led the way, followed by Gabriel as Simon took Alicia’s arm and headed for the exit. Craning his neck one more time to look back at the empty chair, Simon could swear he heard the lightest lilt of a giggle. Why was it so familiar?

“Simon.” Alicia’s voice pulled him back to the present and he fixed her with a smile he didn’t feel. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

Pressing another light kiss to her cheek, he said, “Yes, I’m fine. Just too much work and not enough play.”

She grinned at him, wondering if she might one day be so lucky to be the reason for him to stop working so much and play some more, before letting him lead her from the room.

***

Simon was just finishing a chart when Keller clapped him soundly on the back. “Hey friend, what’s the good word?”

“Numb,” Simon answered smartly, grimacing as his back stung from Keller’s overzealous greeting. “What are you doing down here?”

“Looking for you, of course,” Keller answered, giving a particularly attractive nurse a wide toothy grin before turning back to his friend. “I hope you brought your dancing shoes.”

Suppressing a groan, Simon placed the chart back in its slot and asked reluctantly, “Why?”

“Because I got us four tickets to the swankiest party in town and it happens tonight.” Keller was beaming, Simon could see that and he worried for a moment that his friend’s face might actually break in half – no, not medically possible.

Starting to walk toward his next set of rounds, Keller followed Simon as he said, “Look, Keller, that’s great, but I’m really not in the mood for –“

“Wait,” Keller warned, raising a hand to stop his protest. Swinging around to block his path, his friend said, “Are you or are you not twenty-seven?”

Simon sighed again and nodded, letting his friend continue, “And does that or does that not qualify you as a young person,” he asked.

“Yes, Kell, it does, but this young person is a little tapped out,” he answered, sidestepping his friend to continue on his path. “You know, from saving lives all day.”

“Ha, ha, yes, we all know about the great Simon Tam,” Keller mocked, no real malice in his tone. “Look, Simon if you want to grow old alone that’s your business, but I already told Alicia you’d pick her up at eight.”

Whirling on the man, Simon shot him an icy look. Shrugging slightly, Keller answered easily, “I know you, Tam. You’re way too chivalrous to stand up a girl. See you tonight.” And with a wave over his shoulder, Keller was gone.

Dropping his head to his chest, Simon rubbed a hand along the back of his neck trying to quell the overwhelming urge he felt to tackle his friend and beat him senseless. Keller was right, it would be completely inappropriate to cancel on Alicia, even if he hadn’t been the one to ask her out. He knew if he called and begged off the evening she would let him go without question, but that to would be rude.

Straightening and glancing to his watch, Simon hurried to finish his rounds. If he was going to this party he’d have to look the part and that meant getting home, showering and changing before meeting Alicia in just under two hours. Once again, Simon felt the weight of his status bearing down on him and could swear he heard that girl’s voice that he’d been trying to dismiss. Pushing the thought away, he focused on his work as it seemed to be his only saving grace.

***

“He didn’t want to come out.”

“But you convinced him,” Gabriel asked the younger man, the tone of his voice implying the answer he was expecting to hear.

With a devilish grin that Gabriel didn’t like, Keller answered, “Of course, who exactly do you think you’re talking to?”

Deciding it was best for both of them not to answer that question, Gabriel said, “Just stick close to him then and report any odd behavior to me.”

“Of course, Mister Tam,” Keller answered, mocking a salute. “I shall accept this mission with pride and honor.”

Sneering at the boy’s buffoonish image for a moment more, Gabriel flipped off the screen. Sitting back heavily in his desk chair, he wondered why in the name of the ‘verse the Alliance would have picked Keller.

Out of all of Simon’s friends from his previous life, Keller had been Gabriel’s least favorite. The boy could ingratiate himself to a rodent and that instantly made Gabriel suspicious of his motives. Truthfully, he’d been shocked to discover that Simon had made friends with him, but as they both had managed to survive medical school together and their residencies, he figured it was only a matter of time before that bond would be unbreakable.

And unbreakable bonds were something that Gabriel and the Alliance’s agents who had done the surgery needed Simon to focus on. Re-integrating someone into a previous life coupled with the amount of surgeries Simon had undergone brought along its own set of problems. While the cover story they had devised of Simon’s nervous breakdown, had done a lot to gloss over any hidden unanswered questions, everyday it was a fight with Simon’s very smart brain to keep him back in this life – the life he’d been born to live. And that meant everyday Gabriel prayed the Alliance had not made another mistake at the expense of his children.

What had happened to River had been unexpected and unfortunate. When Gabriel had first learned of the Alliance’s desire to open an Academy for truly gifted children from only the best families, he had instantly known it was something he and his family’s money could get behind. After all, where better to send his overly brilliant daughter than to an elitist school with a challenging curriculum and the best teachers, tools and resources the Alliance and Blue Sun could buy?

Knowing that some of this training and education would include methods previously frowned upon in the realm of education had not deterred Gabriel from lending his support – he was a firm believer in managing children with a firm hand and if that meant providing them with not only the discipline but the skills necessary to further that mission, than so be it. Of course, he’d never had any idea the kind of damage they had planned to inflict. And once he and Regan had found out, it had been too late.

And then, like a fool, Simon had gone and rescued his sister, marking them both as fugitives and shaming their family past the point of recognition. Only through some very well-placed donations and thinly veiled threats had the Tam name managed to survive with barely a tarnish. And now, each day that Simon was back in the fold was another day that Gabriel could hold his head up high and know that everything he had ever worked for was not ruined.

Regan was still waiting for the day River would come back to them as well, although Gabriel had his doubts. Convincing Simon’s overly large brain to forget all about his sister and the life on the run he’d lived had been almost impossible. River’s mind, already cut and bruised from her time at the Academy would be much more difficult to manipulate. But everything had a trade-off and Gabriel’s deal to get his son back had meant promising his wife she could get her precious daughter back as well. Telling Regan that River was beyond saving had never been an option. Of course, keeping her from ever being able to return would be much easier to manage.

Sighing heavily, Gabriel realized that brooding about Simon’s edginess or his wife’s insistence in the sanctity of their daughter would get him nothing but a headache, he fixed himself a stiff drink and headed for bed. If that idiot Keller could just keep Simon fully entrenched in his old/new life, they’d have nothing to worry about. And if he couldn’t, then Gabriel would have every right to end his miserable existence.

Grinning slightly, Gabriel realized, it was really a win-win situation.

***

When Simon arrived at Alicia’s apartment in the heart of Capitol City, he was already twenty minutes late. Knocking on the door and straightening his tie one last time, he waited as the door swung open. At the motion and the sight of his friend, his breath caught in his throat.

He was not blind and Simon knew that Alicia was a beautiful girl and tonight was no exception. Dressed in an even lovelier gown than the one she’d worn to the ballet, she had swept her hair up and off her face, leaving bare, creamy shoulders that flowed into the emerald green of her dress. Her blue eyes held a tiny spark that Simon had come to recognize as mischief and finding his voice, he reached forward and gave her a light kiss. “You look amazing, Alicia,” he whispered, taking the hand she offered to lead her out of the apartment.

Smiling at his compliment, she threaded her arm through his as they made their way out of the building and to the awaiting hovercraft. “Why, thank you, Doctor Tam.” Giving him her own cursory look out of the corner of her eye, she told him, “You don’t look so bad yourself. Must be that’s what took those extra twenty minutes.”

Blushing, Simon remained silent as he helped her into the car, following her inside and instructing the driver to take them to the mansion Keller had indicated. “I’m sorry I was late,” Simon finally admitted, meeting her bemused face with a look of pure chagrin. “This little party came as a sort of shock to me. It was never my intention to keep you waiting.”

Squeezing his hand and smiling broadly, Alicia told him sincerely, “Simon, I’m kidding. It’s fine.”

He smiled back at her and they rode to the outskirts of the city in a comfortable silence. Simon could not help sneaking quick glances to her as they sped along. She had never looked more beautiful and just as he was wondering why he had been so adamant to dismiss her as more than a friend, they arrived.

Entering the party, Simon saw a dozen faces he recognized and with little effort, plastered a genial smile on his face. Alicia noticed the look as they were announced and once they had entered the ballroom, looked up at him and said, “You know, it’s really not all that painful.”

Simon smiled down at her, a genuine smile as he guided her to their table, where Keller was waiting with his own gorgeous date. “I know. Sorry, force of habit.”

Giving his friend a handshake in greeting, Simon also said good evening to Keller’s date, a girl Simon did not remember seeing before and they took their seats. They had arrived just in time for dinner and the conversation lulled into the safe topics of politics and medicine and the troubles of the ‘verse. Simon was used to these types of evenings; with practiced ease he pulled out each of his rote responses, making sure to say the right thing that would not offend any of his dinner companions, confident that as he said the things his father had instructed he was really just talking in circles. It was tiring to live a life of importance in one setting, the hospital, and a life of total banality in all others.

Once dessert had been served, a strawberry concoction that Simon enjoyed more than he ever had before, their host for the evening, a Lord Deveraux, took to the podium at the front of the grand room, announcing the entertainment for the evening. Simon watched, slightly distressed, some dancers take to the center of the floor, realizing that their costumes vaguely resembled the ballet they had seen over a month before. The ballet which had started Simon’s slide back into insanity; the night when he had first been confronted with the notion that something in his life was terribly wrong.

Excusing himself hurriedly, Simon retreated to a far corner of the room. He was worried that if he stayed among his friends, his anxiety would be too obvious and that would force him to make explanations he was not ready for. However, as much as he dreaded the idea of more dreams and visions, he was also curious. Hoping that the sight of the dance would evoke a deeper understanding, Simon watched in rapt attention as the small orchestra across the room started the music and the dancers worked their trade.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when, at the sight of the prima ballerina, he was again haunted by the quiet but persistent voice. Pulling at his consciousness, begging him to find her, he could hear the voice whisper, “Simon, remember me.”

Simon watched as the young woman turned and turned and turned, her movements as graceful as any he’d ever seen. He was so enamored of her, but not because of who she was, but rather the girl he saw when she danced. He knew now that the voice belonged to the dancer of his dreams and he took the memory back inside himself, searching for more clues, looking for the key to discovering her identity. She had long flowing hair, similar to the color of his own, but she moved with a grace he had never – she moved with the grace of his mother’s practiced step. Could it … no, Simon immediately dismissed the thought. He was an only child, there was no mistaking that. This was not the vision of a long lost sibling; it couldn’t be.

Turning away from the dancers and the crowded room, Simon retreated to the balcony that wrapped around the large home. The cool night air helped to calm his nerves as he became more and more convinced he was losing his mind. Closing his eyes, the image of the young girl spinning away in the entrance to his family’s home again came to the forefront of his mind and Simon watched in anticipation as the vision changed. The girl finally stopped spinning and with a sad look in her eyes, turned to face him. His breath inexplicably catching in his throat Simon realized he knew her; the sight of her brown eyes and small form were as recognizable to him as anyone and while he could not place her, the familiarity that washed through him at the sight of her brought a comfort to him he had never before experienced.

She reached out a hand to him then and again whispered in that pained voice, “Simon, why did you go away?”

“Simon.”

Inhaling sharply, Simon jumped visibly as Alicia placed a gentle hand on his arm, pulling him from the memory. Blinking rapidly to rid his eyes of sudden tears at the loss of contact with the young girl, Simon took several deep breaths before trusting himself enough to turn and regard his friend.

Her face held all the concern in the world and Simon was immediately ashamed that he had left her to sit at the table alone as he had had another crisis of sanity. Trying to give her a reassuring smile, he said, his voice shaky, “Alicia, hi. Is everything all right?”

She regarded him sternly for a moment more and Simon waited for her to pummel him with questions. He didn’t wait long. “Simon, I don’t know what’s going on with you,” she said gently, stepping closer to him as other couples came onto the balcony to enjoy the view. “But I’m worried about you, truly. What’s happening?”

Simon did smile this time, although he was fairly certain it was a meek gesture. Reaching down to place his hand over the one she still had on his arm, he squeezed her fingers slightly as he said, “Alicia, it’s really nothing. I’m just, just tired, I guess. You know how it as at the hospital.”

He could tell she wasn’t buying it. Damn, why did she have to be a psychiatrist, skilled at reading people, as attune to what they said as what they didn’t? Simon thought for a moment she might actually yell at him, he could see a fire burning in her eyes, but with a tenderness he did not expect, she instead raised a hand to his cheek and whispered, “Simon, you can trust me. You know that, don’t you?”

Simon sighed and closed his eyes against her touch and her words. He did know that, but he wasn’t entirely certain he could trust himself. Too much was happening and he didn’t understand any of it. Covering the hand she had against his cheek, he pulled her palm to his lips and kissed it gently. “I know that Alicia, I do,” he assured her. “I …” He faltered again, unsure of what to say. He knew that if he didn’t confide in someone soon things would get much, much worse. His time in the hospital had taught him that.

“Tell me, Simon,” she whispered, her eyes never wavering from his. “Please.”

Squeezing her hand gently, he gave her a tired smile and nodded once. “Not here,” he told her, pulling her to him and kissing her lightly on the cheek. “Not yet. But soon, I promise.” With that, Simon draped her arm through his and led her back to the party, hoping that when he did finally find the courage to confide in his friend, he wouldn’t be making the biggest mistake of his life, both personal and professional.

***

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