Nobody aboard Serenity had ever seen me cry. Not even Mal. We went to the war never thinking we’d come back. The men who died, our friends, our comrades, they took the same chance. Even when Mal and I were the only ones from our regiment left, I still never cried. It wasn’t until after the fight, after Miranda, after I watched him die. For the first time in my life, I felt completely helpless. He always boasted about being with a warrior woman. If only he could see how weak I actually was. I climbed down into our bunk for the first time since Miranda. The smell, our smell hit me. For a second an indescribable hope leaped through me. But then I looked to our bed. It was still unmade from the last time we’d used it. Walked toward it. I wasn’t sure why I did, I just did. On the way, I felt a softness under my feet. I looked down. It was the last shirt he had wore before... I held it close, I smelled it. It still smelled like him. It was then that I cried for the first time since before the war. I held the shirt so tight as if it was going to melt into me, as if that would make everything okay again. I wept into the bold colors, the vibrant pattern. It was then, that I wished I had never made back from Mr. Universe’s, from his last fight.

****

Zoë was down stairs crying. Smell is the strongest sense linked to memory and she was taking advantage of that sense now. She always knew that she may never come back in her line of work, but to have the tables turned, to have him never come back was just unbearable. He was supposed to be untouchable. If he were in danger we all were in danger. So why him? Why not someone else? Those were her thoughts. The ship had been so quiet since Miranda. Everyone had separately shed tears of their own. Tears for the Shepard, who had been our conscience. Tears for our pilot, who had been our direction and brought humor to our everyday lives. He and Zoë never judged my brother and I like Jayne did, they never made us feel unwelcome. I know there’s a reason why I didn’t cry. I had cried for the Shepard and his crazy hair, especially when Jayne was without a friend to lift weights with. But there was no reason for me to cry for Wash. I just knew it. I didn’t want to say anything. The last time I did was Miranda. The reason why everyone was so sad now. I still feel him though. But what if I feel wrong? What if I hurt Zoë more? I will stay quiet. Just a little longer.

End