A/N: All right, folks, this chapter is hard core fluff - I'd say it was fluffy angst, but that'd just be a lie - it's pretty much fluff! And, I make no apologies - we gotta wrap up those lose ends somehow.

Never fear however, as my angst will be back in full force in the sequel - A NEW BEGINNING - and when I say angst I mean Angst, with a capital A.

Thanks to Leiasky for the great beta!

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A NEW LIFE, ch. 27: As It Ever Was And Ever Shall Be

***

When Simon found Jayne the next day he was pouting, which wasn’t at all unlike the man-ape. Circling the porch, Simon came to stand in front of where Jayne sat on the top stair. Looking up at the other man’s approach, Jayne grunted in his direction, before again turning his attention to the stick he was whittling.

As it became apparent to Simon that he would eventually have to broach the topic, he said, “I was hoping I might speak with you.”

Not stopping his work, Jayne did not meet his gaze as he muttered, “I ain’t seen your sister in days, so you can stop worryin’.”

Simon cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. He still hated this idea, hated it more with every passing minute as the realization that he was actually going to ask Jayne to help him, to help River continued to sink in. It was humiliating and embarrassing. And all for River, so Simon knew he had no choice.

Climbing the few stairs to where Jayne was, Simon sat at the same level, gazing out across the Frye’s backyard. It was fast approaching night time and the children could be seen and heard, running in crazy circles as they got their last few games in before bed. Steeling himself and hoping he was doing the right thing, Simon tried to reach out to the merc again.

“Have you tried to see River?”

Jayne paused for a moment, but a moment only and then answered, “Yup.”

Turning to face him, Simon asked, “And?”

“She don’t wanna see me,” he said sullenly. Meeting Simon’s gaze, Jayne looked truly baffled. “I thought you’d be jumpin’ up and down with joy, doc. I know you don’t want me anywhere near your little sis.”

Sighing heavily, Simon let his head drop into his hands. Quietly, he admitted, “This has nothing to do with what I want.”

When he finally lifted his eyes back to Jayne, he saw the man’s dumbfounded look and had to swallow a retort about how stupid he was. Insulting him would only get him punched. “What’re you sayin’, Simon,” Jayne asked, wanting to make sure he was fully understanding the doctor’s meaning.

Sighing again, Simon let his gaze wander back into the darkening night and started at the beginning. “You know that River and I have not had the easiest of lives. We grew up with all the money in the ‘verse, but no love.” Jayne smirked at that comment, and Simon turned a hard glare to him. “You try growing up with parents who would just as soon sell you to the highest bidder and then we can talk about the difference between love and money.” That sobered the mercenary and Simon continued. “And you know a majority of what happened to River at the Academy; what they did to her.”

Simon bit back his rising frustration, knowing that making this admission to Jayne was only going to get worse. Why couldn’t he find a way to help her? Why did he have to entrust this evolutionary mishap with his sister’s well-being? Because she loves him, you boob, River’s voice danced through his mind and it actually brought the hint of a smile to his lips.

“Look, Simon, I ain’t never said River’s done had it easy,” Jayne interjected, assuming from Simon’s long pause that he was waiting for an answer. “And I ain’t never said that it bothered me none either.”

“I know that, Jayne,” Simon sighed heavily, turning back to face the man. “And I think somewhere deep down River does too. But I think …” He trailed off, uncertain how much of this he should really tell. In truth it was not his secret to reveal and he felt a bit of shame being so honest with Jayne about River’s feelings, when Simon had so very rarely been this honest with anyone about his own. Trying a different tact, Simon asked him, “Why do you think River’s refusing to see you?”

Startled by the change in thought process, Jayne thought on it for a minute. Truth was, he didn’t know. He had been wracking his own brain for a majority of the week, rehashing every interaction they had had leading up to that night, looking for the wrong thing he’d said or done. But so far, he hadn’t found it. He knew it had something do with her wanting to be a ma and he knew it had something to do with little Cadie, but other that Jayne had been unable to connect more dots. Shrugging he said, “I honestly don’t know. I can’t think of a thing I did to make her so angry.”

Sighing again, Simon told him, “She’s not angry, Jayne. She’s hurting, badly.”

Narrowing his eyes at the doctor, Jayne questioned, “Well, if’n she’s hurting why ain’t you fixed it yet?”

“Because there’s nothing medically wrong with her,” Simon explained, trying not to lose his patience. This was just getting harder the longer they dragged it out. “She’s not in any physical pain.”

Jayne studied him for a moment more and then finally realization dawned. Sighing himself, Jayne closed his eyes for a moment and placed down the knife and wood he’d been working on. “She’s hurtin’ ‘cause o’ me,” he asked quietly.

“Because of what she feels for you, yes,” Simon clarified, watching as Jayne’s expression turned from one of shock to one of reflected pain. He was hurting too; Simon couldn’t believe he’d been unable to see it.

“But if she likes me so much, then why is she bein’ so stubborn,” Jayne asked, his voice growing a little testy. This still didn’t make sense to him.

“Jayne, River has suffered through a lot of physical and mental torture. And the fact that she’s a reader has made her life a lot harder than it ever needed to be. She feels things on levels we can’t begin to understand.” Simon hoped his explanation was not over the other man’s head as this was important for him to know. “Did you ever stop to think of how impossible it should have been for River to track me down on Osiris? That shouldn’t have happened. The work those scientists did on my brain was flawless. True, I did start to have memories of her, but it was River who found me and brought me back. That alone bespeaks of a strength and power we cannot possibly understand.”

Jayne tried to digest his words, although he didn’t feel the doctor was saying anything he hadn’t already puzzled out. He knew River was amazing, special, unique – any descriptor that could be thought of, Jayne had pretty much already applied to her. But he still listened intently, trying to figure out exactly where Simon was going with this. “Why are you tellin’ me this, doc,” he finally asked. “I already know how special she is.”

Simon stopped short at his admission. He had never considered that Jayne might actually understand his sister on a level that even Simon could not comprehend. The level of a young woman with a heart full of love to share with someone else. Why she wanted to share it with Jayne, he still could not fathom, but it didn’t nullify that fact that Jayne did care for her, in spite of or perhaps because of all she had survived.

“All I’m trying to say, Jayne is, River’s been hurt, a lot. She’s been abandoned, tortured, injured, disappointed – and she has never been in a position to love someone before.” Jayne nodded once and Simon forged ahead. “She’s been isolating herself in an effort to isolate you, from her, from what she views as a mistake.” Imploring Jayne to understand, Simon finally said, “She’s afraid she’s going to hurt you. And that’s why she’s pulled away.”

Whistling softly through his teeth, Jayne tried to think of a way that any of this could make sense. It was ridiculous for River to be concerned over hurting him. Jayne was tough. He had faced down more evil and sadistic men in his day then even River and that was saying something. But he knew, based on the doc’s incessant yapping that the hurt River was afraid she would cause had nothing to do with physical hurt – it had everything to do with emotional hurt. Just as River was probably terrified that Jayne would break her heart, she was more horrified at the prospect of breaking his, unknowingly and causing him pain she’d never intended.

After he’d thought on it for a moment more, Jayne turned back to Simon and asked quietly, “Not that I don’t ‘preciate the insight, doc, but why are you telling me this?” Simon blushed and averted his gaze, so Jayne added, “I know you’d much rather see your sis with just about anyone other than me.”

Simon was quiet for a moment trying to think of a way to answer his question without incriminating himself in the future. He could not give Jayne ammunition to use against him down the road; that would just be foolish. Letting out a breath, he said, “Jayne, I love my sister, very much. I think you know that. I love her so much that I would do just about anything to take her pain away, to make her whole again.” Turning sad eyes to him, Simon said, “But I can’t. I’ve tried to make her well, and occasionally I’ll find something, some drug or treatment that helps her, but I know I will never cure her. And that infuriates me,” he admitted, his voice low. “But because I love her, I will not stand in the way of her happiness. And if she can find some semblance of happiness with you, than I have to let her have it.” Looking to him again, Simon smirked and said, “It doesn’t matter whether I like you or not. My sister loves you and that’s got to be good enough for me.”

Jayne held the other man’s gaze for another minute, running through everything he’d just said. So River was being stubborn and foolish out of a false sense of duty to protect him. Well, that was just crazy. And if the doc believed Jayne could help her, than he would, regardless of how much River yelled or pushed him away. He would not be deterred that easily – not when he cared so much for her as well.

Rising, he placed a light hand on Simon’s shoulder and said, “Thanks doc.” Pausing he thought of what he should say and then finally told him, “I ain’t sayin’ me’n River’ll never fight or have a bad moment, but I would never knowingly hurt her. I think you should know that.”

Simon nodded once, unable to believe that he had just given Jayne permission to date his little sister. As the mercenary turned to go, Simon called after him, “And I’m not saying that I won’t kill you in your sleep if you so much as think of hurting her.”

Grinning at the back of the man’s head, Jayne headed into the house and back to River, glad to know that despite their few minutes of peace, he and the doc could continue to antagonize each other.

***

With a tray full of fresh food, Jayne pushed open River’s door. It was basically pitch black in the room, night having fallen fully now, and balancing the tray on one arm, he lit a lamp, before moving to sit on the edge of her bed.

As soon as she rolled towards him she rolled back. “Go away, Jayne,” she mumbled.

Ignoring her, Jayne sat on the edge of the bed, and placed the tray down, waiting for her to turn back, so he could tell her to eat. After a few more moments of tense silence, she finally said loudly, “I said go away.”

“I done heard you the first time. No need to be shoutin’,” he answered, letting his voice take on a teasing, but demanding tone nonetheless.

She rolled back over to face him and in a huff sat up. “I don’t want you here, so leave,” she told him sternly, pointing towards the door.

Jayne inhaled sharply at the sight of her. He hadn’t ventured into the room in a few days as she had made it perfectly clear the last time he’d come for a visit that he was not welcome. But now, as he saw the deadness in her eyes and the paleness in her complexion, he knew staying away had been an awful mistake.

Shaking his head, he told her, “Nope.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, she glared at him, even though she didn’t have enough energy to affect a very menacing look. “Go.”

“Nope.”

They stared at one another, a stand-off developing between these two stubborn and demanding people. It pained River to see him, his presence only serving to remind her of what she was trying so desperately to forget. She didn’t want him here as she knew it would only make her weak, and she had spent a good part of these last few days trying to shore up her courage to again face the world.

Sighing heavily, she let Jayne win this round, lowering her gaze to the bedspread. “What do you want?”

“First,” he told her, edging a bit closer and pointing to the tray of food in his lap. “I want you to eat somethin’.” He did not take any joy in having gotten her to relent first, all he could feel at this point was relief that she was still talking to him.

Gazing at him with a knowing look, River reached forward and grabbed a single grape from the bunch he’d set on the tray and popped it into her mouth, smiling wickedly. “Done,” she said as she chewed and swallowed.

Grimacing at her, Jayne allowed a scowl to color his features. “Nice try, but I know you need more food than that. Your brother told me you ain’t been eatin’.”

Gorramit, Simon, she cursed, having known he would be unable to keep his mouth shut. But while she wanted to be angry with him, she couldn’t. She knew he was only doing what he felt was best for her and while she wanted to tell him to mind his own business, she knew that in the past sometimes Simon’s meddlesome ways had served her well.

Sighing, River took a slice of bread and tore it apart, eating it slowly. Her stomach welcomed the food, having been deprived of anything solid for almost a full week. Jayne watched her appraisingly as she finished one slice of bread and then reached for more of the fruit he’d found. When she had managed to choke down some more grapes and a plum, he asked, “Feel better?”

She nodded once, unable to get the sated grin off her face. It did feel good to have a full belly again. Pushing the rest of the tray away, Jayne took it and placed it on the dresser and then turned back to regard her. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned against the small hutch and watched her.

River watched him right back, feeling her cheeks flush at the intensity of his gaze. She could read him as plain as day and she could feel not only his concern, but his anger at her behavior, his need to understand, his desire to kiss her – she closed her eyes against all these thoughts, trying to push the bad ones away and hold onto the good. She had been working over the past few days to silence everyone’s thoughts around her, to cut herself off again from others, especially Jayne. But despite her best attempts, his care and concern, coupled with his frustration had still managed to get through to her and she cried many nights, knowing that she was hurting him.

It frustrated her because she had been trying to avoid that all along. Her isolation, her need to be alone had been designed in an effort to not hurt him and yet, she had managed to let it happen anyway. Sighing River wished she knew what to do, how to fix it. She wished she understood how to stop hurting, how to stop Jayne from hurting, but she didn’t. And she was tired.

Opening her eyes again, she blinked quickly as she realized Jayne had resumed his seat next to her. Not knowing exactly what to say, he finally said, “I missed you.”

River nodded once, feeling tears immediately spring to her eyes at his statement. Blinking them back, she said weakly, “You really should go.”

Shaking his head, Jayne edged forward and took her hand in his. He held it lightly, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Finally, he said, “This is silly, River. Whatever it is that you’re doing, you don’t need to do it alone.”

“You don’t know that,” she told him, her voice heavy with emotion. “You don’t know me or what I’m capable of.”

Cocking an eyebrow at her, Jayne countered, “Yeah, well, I gotta a scar cross my chest that says different.” He watched as she blinked away more tears at the memory and again cursed his stupidity. “You know I don’t care ‘bout that.”

“But you should,” she told him, again dropping her eyes to her lap. She pulled her hand away from his grasp and said, “If I can hurt you, like that, there’s no telling what else I can do.”

“Do you wanna hurt me,” he asked quietly, surprising himself as the words came out.

Her startled expression gave him his answer. “No,” she breathed, her eyes pooling with tears.

“Then what makes you think you will,” he asked her, again taking her hand.

Rolling her eyes at him, she shifted away and got out of bed, going to stare out the room’s window. “Don’t you remember anything from the past two years,” she asked, watching as the moon fell on the hard ground. “The Maidenhead, Miranda, all those Reavers.” Turning back to him with shining eyes, she said, “I didn’t want to do any of those things, but I did. And with barely any forethought.” Pausing, she swallowed hard and said, “And I could do it again.”

“I don’t believe that,” he told her, wanting to go to her, wanting to hold her. She looked angelic, framed in the window, the moonlight shining off her dark hair and her pale skin. But he stayed where he was waiting for the moment when she would give him permission to again take her in his arms. “You ain’t done nothin’ like that in quite a while. And we’ve been in plenty of sticky situations.”

He knew she didn’t believe him, but he could only keep reassuring her. It was all he had. “You’ve been doin’ real good and you know it. Sure, you still have nightmares sometimes and …”

“And I still run off in the middle of the night, getting lost in the woods and sick,” she finished for him sarcastically, her tone bitter.

Frowning at her, Jayne said, “You was bothered that’s all. I know Cadie done messed you up and I can understand how that’d throw you off.”

River looked to him with a questioning glance. “You can understand? Would you mind explaining it to me,” she finished quietly, her eyes again cast to the floor.

Jayne did rise now, rounding the bed to stand in front of her. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he made her look at him, and he wished he could take those tears away. “You’ve never thought about carin’ for another person ‘fore, and now that Cadie’s taken such a shine to ya, you’re wonderin’ if you could really do it.”

River inhaled at his assessment, realizing it was pretty much spot on. She had not expected that. She knew Jayne felt and understood things on a level deeper than anyone gave him credit for, but she had not thought he could understand her that well. It was a little unsettling. “How did you know that?”

Squeezing her shoulders, he whispered, “’Cause I know you.”

She smiled at him, finally, and his heart thudded in his chest. He’d been missing that smile. Noticing that things were quickly becoming too comfortable between them again, River stepped out of his grasp and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “It doesn’t change anything.”

Turning to face her, his arms again across his chest, Jayne said, “I’m thinkin’ it does.”

Shaking her head, River told him, “No, Jayne, it doesn’t. Just because you think you know me or think you understand me, it doesn’t erase all that’s in me.” Looking to him with a pleading gaze that tugged at his heart, she told him brokenly, “I’m damaged, Jayne. And you don’t deserve that.”

His tone growing a bit harsher than he’d intended, he said, “Why don’t you let me be the judge of what I do and don’t deserve.”

Averting his eyes again, she said, “Because, if you decide that you can’t take it, that you can’t take me, I won’t survive that. It’s better if we don’t even try.”

This was getting out of hand. Kneeling in front of River, Jayne placed his hands on her knees and peered into her pained face. Seeing her tears running silent paths down her cheeks caused his own eyes to burn uncomfortably. Blinking away the sensation, he finally said, “River, look at me.”

She shook her head fiercely, refusing to meet his gaze, knowing that if she did, she wouldn’t be able to turn him away. This was killing her, couldn’t he see that?

“River,” he said again, this time with a commanding tone. “Baby, look at me.”

The use of the endearment got through to her and River reluctantly lifted her eyes to his. She was crying, silent, steady tears. Jayne tried to smile at her, and then explained, “First off, I don’t believe there’s nothin’ in this ‘verse that you can’t survive.” With just the hint of a smile on her features, he continued, “Secondly, sealing yerself off from the world ain’t gonna save you any pain, trust me, I’ve done tried it.” Reaching up he wiped one cheek with the back of his hand and she leaned into his touch, ever so slightly. Swallowing past the sudden lump in his throat, he finished, “And thirdly, I love you. I don’t see nothin’ changin’ that.”

River blinked quickly at this admission. She had known his feelings for her were strong, stronger than even Jayne was comfortable with, but she had not known he felt love for her. Lust, yes, care, of course, concern, definitely, but love? No, she had not managed to puzzle that out.

She stared at him, not speaking for several moments, causing more anxiety to well in Jayne’s chest. He had not expected this kind of reaction to those words, and he was silently wondering if he’d somehow messed them up – after all, he had never said them before.

“Jayne,” she said warningly, rising and moving to stand away from him. “Jayne, you can’t just say something like that. You have to mean it. Truly mean it.”

“I do,” he told her, wondering why she was fighting him on this. He loved her, that was as plain to him as anything, why wasn’t it plain to her? “I do mean it.”

Shaking her head sharply, River tried to push away the love and concern she felt radiating off of him and to her. She could feel it pushing, like a powerful wave around her, buffeting her in its embrace, but she didn’t want it. If she gave into it, if she believed that it was real, that this love could hold and protect her, that she could be loved, she would have no defenses left. She would be vulnerable for the first time in a very long time. And she wasn’t so sure she could handle that.

Sinking to the floor, she wrapped her arms around herself and started to cry, loud sobs, rocking back and forth. Baffled, Jayne could only think of one thing to do, so he did it. Going to her in an instant, he wrapped his strong arms around her from behind, and held her steady, even as she sobbed harder. “You don’t,” she kept wailing, over and over again. “You don’t. You can’t love me. You can’t.”

Biting back his own tears as he never cried, Jayne just held her tighter and said, “I do love you, River, whether you want to believe it or not, I know you can feel it.”

River could feel it and that’s what had her scared. His concern and compassion for her had just increased tenfold in the last minute and she could tell they were on the rise again. Turning in his embrace to face him, she whispered, “I’m sorry. For making you worry, for being so different, for not understanding-"

He silenced her apologies with a kiss, a deep kiss that held all the passion and love for her he could muster. She returned it and more, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him to her. She had tried to forget what this felt like, what it felt like to have Jayne holding her, wanting her, what it felt like for her to want him, but it came back so readily. She sighed against him, relaxing for the first time in weeks. She could feel his need for her, to have her, but she also knew he wouldn’t push and she was glad. Too many things were happening too quickly. And as much as she wanted to take that next step with Jayne, she knew now wasn’t the time.

When they finally parted for air, River sank into his embrace and cried some more. For all she thought she’d been losing and all she had tried to push away. After a few moments, Jayne scooped her up and took her to bed, placing her gently under the covers and then lying down next to her, held her through the night as she slept peacefully for the first time in weeks.

***

Simon held his son and rocked with him gently. It was late, very late actually, but after his discussion with Jayne and all that had been happening with River he had found it nearly impossible to get some rest. So, he had wandered into his son’s makeshift nursery and lifted him from his crib. Sitting with him now, in a rocking chair in the corner of the room, Simon was completely taken by his angelic face and the miracle that he was.

He still hated the fact that he had missed his birth, missed all of Kaylee’s pregnancy. He desperately wanted that time back, even though he knew it was a foolish wish as it had no hope of coming true, but still … Daniel stretched out one tiny arm and shifted slightly in his hold and Simon’s heart again swelled with love for this little life. He could not believe that the baby he was holding, his son, was a result of the love he and Kaylee felt for one another. He could not believe that not only was he lucky enough to know Kaylee, he was lucky enough to love her and be loved by her; lucky enough to have a child with her and to be her husband in a just a couple of weeks.

Simon had never felt more at peace then he did here, in this home, with these people. His own upbringing had been so drastically different from anything the Fryes had ever known, Simon marveled at the arrogant ways Core families treated and discussed folks on border moons. The truth was most of the people Simon had met on Harvest and Beaumonde were better, more just and generally kinder than any person Simon had known in his youth. He was so glad that his son and hopefully, his other children, would grow up surrounded by the love of such people, and not the money his parents had always thought could buy them emotion.

Kaylee had awoken to find Simon gone and wandering to her son’s room, found him there now, sitting with Daniel in her rocking chair. She could tell he was lost in thought, his mind far away. Her heart warmed at the sight of him with their son, the gentle way he held the boy and talked with him when he didn’t think she was listening. The way he told him he loved him and kissed his cheek or his hand. It never failed to bring a few tears to Kaylee’s eyes and while she hated being so teary, she wouldn’t trade these moments for anything.

Entering the room, she whispered, “Hey you.”

He looked up at her and gave her that swai grin that she had never been able to resist. Kneeling in front of him, she ran a light hand over their son’s head, before resting it against Simon’s arm. “You okay,” she asked, still noting the far-off expression in his eyes.

He nodded once and smiled at her again and she felt her heart melt. She could not believe that in just two weeks, she would be Mrs. Simon Tam. It still made her giddy with delight. Couple that with the sight of Simon with their son and she felt for sure she was floating, as light as a cloud.

Rising, she reached out a hand to him, and whispered, “Come to bed, sweetie.”

He took the offered hand and rose, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek as he took Daniel back to his crib. Laying him back down gently, Simon kissed his cheek as well, and found himself staring again. Kaylee came up behind him and wrapped her arms up and under his shoulders, until her hands settled over his heart.

“You sure you’re okay,” she asked again, pressing a light kiss to his neck.

He nodded, and then said quietly, “I just can’t believe that this is my life. That I have a son and a beautiful bride.” Turning in her embrace, he wrapped his arms around her back and held her tight. “I just can’t believe we’re finally here. I’ve never been this happy, Kaylee, truly.”

Her eyes teared again at his words and she hugged him tightly. She knew he meant it, every bit and while she still awoke some nights in a cold sweat, remembering vividly all those nights he hadn’t been there, all those nights her life had been a nightmare, she was grateful that they had found their way back to each other. Leaning back from him slightly, Kaylee pressed a light kiss to his lips and then whispered, “I know what you mean.”

Smiling at her, even broader than before, Simon led her back to bed. Once they were safely ensconced in their room and without a word between them, they made quick work of their night clothes, each of them marveling in the sensation of the other, the feel, the touch, the desire they felt and the overwhelming love they had always known was there, but had never truly understood until now.

***

And where are my comments? Hmmm?