A/N: Here is the next part to A New Beginning - exploring the depth of River's loss. Thanks to all for the great comments and for reading. The next chapter will see the return of some favorite characters!

Much thanks again goes to Leiasky for all things fan-fic! YOU ROCK!

And don't forget - comments make the 'verse go round!

***

A NEW BEGINNING, ch. 5: Made to Suffer

***

Looking over Simon’s shoulder as the doctor patched him up in the common room, Mal regarded the scene of Kaylee at River’s side. The injured girl had again awoken and while Kaylee had tried to engage her in conversation, River simply stared past her, unmoving, quiet, as if waiting for the seconds to pass. It broke Mal’s heart in a way he could never explain.

It always broke his heart when River was hurting. He cared for the girl in a way no one else on board had ever understood, even Simon. It was like she was his own, but in a different way from the love he had for Mimi. Mal supposed it was because he’d only known her when she’d been fragile, broken, but he felt more protective towards her, as though it was his job, as well as Simon’s, to keep her safe. He knew she didn’t need him to, she had Simon and now Jayne to do that, but he still wanted to. And it pained him now that he’d been powerless to prevent this tragedy.

“So, you’re sure then?” Inara was asking, as Mal pulled his gaze out of the little room and back to his wife’s face. She was standing beside him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder. She squeezed now, imperceptibly, but Mal felt it, and reaching up with his free hand, he covered her hand with his own.

Sighing heavily, Simon did not turn to regard her as he answered her difficult question. “I’m about ninety-five percent positive, yes.” His voice was heavy, weary, too old for his young age. “I’d like to wait another few hours before making any final announcements though.” Finally, he glanced over his own shoulder to his sister and said softly, “Not that she doesn’t already know.”

The three of them stood in silence for a moment, Simon finishing his work and then stepping back to regard it with a critical eye. “All right, you’re all set,” he told the captain, pulling off the rubber gloves and moving to clean up the rest of his supplies. “Just take it easy for a couple of days.”

Nodding once, Mal stood and again looked into the infirmary. Placing a light hand on Simon’s shoulder, he stopped the doctor from entering the room. “Is there anything I, we, can do?”

Simon met his gaze and saw the concern there. He wished there were something, anything that any of them could do, but now all they needed was time. And that was all they had. Shaking his head, Simon said sadly, “Unfortunately, no. Once I’ve made the final diagnosis in a couple of hours, we’ll need to talk next steps.” Thinking for a moment more, Simon reconsidered his statement and again held the captain’s gaze. “Actually, there might be one thing.”

“Name it.” Mal took his arm from the boy’s shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest, wincing just barely as the motion pulled at his freshly bandaged wound. Inara came to his side, threading her hand through his arm and leaned her head against his shoulder, waiting for Simon.

“I’d like to go to Harvest, if we can.” Simon saw the recognition light Mal’s face and he knew what the captain’s answer would be.

“You think Millie can help her?” Mal asked, hoping that the doc might actually be on to something.

Shrugging, Simon glanced again to his sister and then to his wife. Kaylee was valiantly trying to hold her tears in, but he could see how much this was killing her. Realizing he needed to get back in there and relieve her, he answered, “I don’t think it can hurt. When I waved her earlier, she told me she’s had a lot of experience with this kind of miscarriage. Plus, I think from an emotional standpoint, it’s going to be important for River to talk with other women. And ones who haven’t had children,” he finished quietly, casting his eyes to the floor so they would not connect with Inara’s startled gaze.

Her brown eyes immediately filled with tears as she realized that although she wanted to help River, her very presence could cause the girl pain, serving to remind her that Inara had something River had lost.

Sighing, Mal didn’t relish the idea of a trip to Harvest. While it was always a nice respite for the crew and his ship, plus he’d get to see Zoe again, they needed coin, bad. But if it was what River needed, then he’d do it. Nothing else would matter until his lil’ albatross was back at the helm. “Sure, doc. We’ll go. I’ll set the course. It’ll probably take us a couple o’ weeks though. That gonna be okay?”

Simon nodded, grateful to the captain and feeling just a little guilty. Simon had spoken the truth – having River on Harvest with Millie would help her, immensely, but it would also help him. He knew he couldn’t see her through this on his own. He wasn’t strong enough, that’s all there was to it. It was breaking his heart to see her in so much pain, so withdrawn as she had been when he’d first broken her out of the Academy over five years ago. He needed help.

Turning from Mal and Inara without another word, Simon entered the room and stored his tools from bandaging Mal, before approaching Kaylee’s side. As he placed a gentle hand to her back, she turned to face him, tears welling in the bottom of her big, green eyes. River was again asleep, and Simon reached out with his other hand to cover her small, pale one.

“Simon.” Kaylee’s voice was a whisper, broken by her emotions. When he raised his eyes to meet hers, he felt his own pool with tears. “Is the baby really gone?”

Simon could not say it out loud, than it would be true and he would have to tell his sister next time she awoke. So instead, he simply nodded and stifling a sob, Kaylee turned herself into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder. He held her back, wishing that he could cry with her. He wanted to: tears of anger, shame, rage, but he couldn’t. He had to stay strong for River, because for her, this was only going to get worse, much, much worse.

***

Rylee did not like this place – it was dark and cold and nothing was familiar. With a frightened breath, she searched the small space for anything warm and comforting – and found nothing at all.

Stumbling her way, one little hand trailing against the cold, inky wall to her side, she hit upon something, going down hard on her knees. Blinking back tears, Rylee groped about, her hands closing over the soft bundle she had tripped on. Blinking her eyes at it, the dimness in the room flashed bright showing her that the form at her feet was her aunt’s lifeless body.

With a sharp gasp, Rylee sat bolt upright in bed, her eyes frantically roving over the small room she shared with her brother. In stark contrast to her dreamscape, her room glowed buttery yellow from the dim light shining through the screens and the twinkly lights her mother had hung over her bed just a few months ago. Shaking, Rylee felt tears fall down her face as she remembered the dream and the pale face of her aunt River. She knew her aunt was sad, knew it more deeply and more painfully than just about anyone. But she didn’t know why. Rylee, at almost four, did not and could not comprehend how she could feel such heartache. But she did and at moments like this, she could hardly breathe.

Looking across the room, she saw her brother’s bunk and she blinked more tears back. Getting up, Rylee shivered again as her bare feet hit the cold floor and she padded over quickly to his side.

Reaching out a little hand, she shook his shoulder and whispered, “Danny!”

With a practiced speed, he was awake in an instant. Having shared a room with his baby sister since she’d been born, he was accustomed to waking in the middle of the night. While it had used to annoy him to no end, he actually didn’t mind so much now; he knew Rylee would only come to him if she was really scared and he liked knowing that he could help her – that she wanted him to help her – it made him feel proud somehow.

Rolling over onto his side, he placed his hand over hers and registered the tears still in her eyes, as he asked, “What is it?” When she bit her lip, afraid to speak because of the sobs she felt forming, he asked, “Bad dream?”

Nodding quickly, Daniel sighed once, and then scooted over, making room for her next to him on the bunk. With an audible sigh, she laid down facing him and blinked back more tears as he reached out a hand and rubbed her back soothingly. It always seemed to work and in just minutes he watched her eyes start to droop closed. “Love you, Danny,” she murmured, her breathing becoming even as she again fell to sleep.

Placing a light kiss to one of her flushed cheeks, her brother continued to rub her back while he felt his own eyes close again as well. “Love you.”

***

Simon finally made it back to the bunk he shared with Kaylee very late. With a weariness in his bones and a fatigue in his muscles, he sat down gingerly on the edge of their bed. Kaylee was sleeping, as she always did with her back to the door and on her side. Smiling slightly at just the sight of her honey brown hair, Simon stripped out of his clothes quickly, forgoing his normal sleep bottoms for just his underwear and slid under the covers. Spooning up to his wife, he buried his head into the crook of her neck and wrapped a strong arm against her waist.

Which woke her. “Simon?” Her voice was soft and husky with sleep, something that always turned him on, and despite everything that was happening with River and Jayne, or maybe because of it, it had worked again.

Pressing a kiss to her neck, he murmured, “Go back to sleep, bao bei. It’s late.”

Turning in his embrace, Kaylee changed her position so she could face him. Resting a light hand against his face, she blinked open her big green eyes and stared at him, the hint of a smile turning up the corners of her mouth.

Unable to resist how beautiful she was, Simon leaned forward and kissed those lips, not at all surprised by how soft and supple they were. When he pulled back from her with a sigh, she pouted a bit and whispered, “You okay?”

Sighing himself, Simon brushed some of her hair back from her face and let his hand rest against her cheek. “Yeah,” he breathed, his eyes studying every inch of her face. “Just tired.”

“What ‘bout River?” Kaylee asked lazily, edging closer to him so that their heads were now sharing the same pillow. She watched as his blue eyes flashed with concern for his sister and despair over her loss.

Sighing again, he whispered, “I can’t help her. She won’t let me.” He blinked back a few tears, remembering the chilling way she’d spoken to him as he’d given her the bad news.

“What is it?” Kaylee asked, noting the tears in his eyes and knowing how bad it must be for Simon to be at such a loss.

“She blames me,” he admitted breathlessly surprised he’d even managed to voice the words. “And I can’t say she’s wrong.”

Kaylee watched as he struggled for another moment, and then leaning forward placed a deep kiss to his lips. He ran the hand he’d placed against her cheek to the back of her neck and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss and hearing her sigh against his mouth.

When they parted, both of their cheeks flushed and their foreheads touched. Kaylee stroked his cheek and murmured, “Simon, I know you did everythin’ you could for her. She’s just hurtin’.”

He nodded, unable to say anything for fear that his voice would break from his emotion. Pulling back from her just a bit, he looked into her deep green eyes and ran a gentle hand down her face, outlining the curve of her cheek and her jaw and trailing it down her neck. She sighed at his touch and closed her eyes, wiggling a bit closer to him so that their bodies were as close as they could be – almost. He rested his hand against her shoulder for a moment, noting that she was sleeping naked, as she almost always did and it brought a smile to his face.

Opening her eyes again, Kaylee saw his blue eyes staring at her and with a desire Simon knew was born as much from his sadness as his love for his wife, he kissed her again, pulling her lower lip into his mouth, before teasing her tongue with his.

Kaylee wrapped her arms around him and let him pull her tight, her whole body lighting with desire for him. She could feel his muscled chest press against her, could feel his strong arms hold her and she could feel his growing desire as it pressed against her thigh, causing a warm tingle to start in her core and work its way deliciously through her center.

Rolling Kaylee back into their soft mattress, Simon hovered above her for a moment, just gazing into her big eyes that were filled with as much passion as his own. “I love you, Kaylee,” he whispered, as he dropped his head to her neck and ran his tongue down her smooth skin, tasting her sweetness. Kaylee angled her head just a bit, giving him better access and she moaned as he replaced his tongue with his teeth, his laving replaced with little nips that always caused her to tremble.

Running her hands down his muscled back, Kaylee raked her nails back up his skin, smiling slightly as he groaned against her at the touch. Her ministrations only urged him on, and Kaylee’s smile grew wider as he moved his mouth down from her neck and shoulder to her breasts, stopping for only a few seconds to tease each of her nipples before moving down to her stomach and below. At her most sensitive spot he stopped suddenly and Kaylee felt her hips arch towards him with longing.

Raising her head up just slightly, she saw him looking back at her with a wicked grin, and Kaylee knew he was planning something devilish. When one of his long fingers moved achingly slow over her already wet center, she cried out with need and want as he increased the pressure against her, feeling her body starting to pulse with a more urgent desire. Reaching her hands towards him, she felt them curl around his silky hair and tugged gently. She made him come back to her, capturing his mouth in an urgent kiss, just as he ghosted his fingers over her again.

The maddeningly light touch only caused her to ache more fervently, and running her hands down his chest, she decided two could play his game. Running a finger under the waistband of his underwear, Kaylee tugged at them and he obliged her request, working them off and then returning his lips to hers. As his attention refocused on her mouth and his hands found themselves exploring her body, Kaylee, with the lightest touch she could manage, ran two fingers down the length of him, smiling wickedly when he moaned against her mouth. Wrapping her legs up and around his backside, Kaylee did not wait a second more to join them, keeping her hand around him until they were fully joined. Both of them moaned with undeniable pleasure at the contact, their bodies moving as one almost instantly. Simon returned his hand to where their bodies met, working his fingers against her again, causing Kaylee to cry out and whimper with delight.

Very grateful for the soundproofing Mal and the others had installed in their bunk as a wedding gift, Kaylee and Simon continued loving each other through the night, Simon’s weary spirit once again saved and buoyed by Kaylee’s effervescent soul.

***

“Ni ta ma de tian xia suo you de ren dou gai si!”

Stef rammed her foot against the nav console as Igor pulled the ship up and away from Greenleaf as fast as possible. Bracing her weight as the g-forces threatened to pull her to the ground, she was still seething with hot anger by the time they had entered the coldness of space.

Pacing the bridged and slamming a hand into the wall, she cursed again. “That liu kou shui de biao zi he hou zi de ben er zi Malcolm Reynolds is not going to get away with this,” she bit out, her eyes still burning.

Glancing over his shoulder to her, Igor smirked and said, “I think he already did.”

Shooting him daggers, the large man turned back to his controls, leaving Stef to huff and puff. True, Mal had left them, high and dry, in the midst of a warehouse full of highly illegal cargo. And, thanks to his firefight, they had drawn the attention of just about every Fed on that rotten, moldy planet.

So now, not only were they running from the local authorities, having narrowly escaped a land-lock on their ship, but they were doing so without the cargo that would have scored them some solid coin.

Again slamming her hand into the wall, Stef barely acknowledged the pain she felt. With anger simmering in her eyes, she ground out, “Oh no, Malcolm Reynolds is not gonna screw me again.”

***

River was lost. It was no secret really, not to anyone on board, least of all her husband or brother. She was lost, floating in a murky blackness that held no comfort, no warmth, nothing. She rarely formed more than a thought a day and never spoke. And she had been this way since Simon had told her the news.

As he regarded her now, from the doorway to the passenger dorm where they had moved her after the caesarean section to remove the baby, he sighed heavily. Squeezing his eyes shut against the burn of fatigue, he could remember that horrible day when he’d uttered those words.

“River, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t say you’re sorry, because you’re not.” Her chest had heaved and her eyes had welled with instant tears. Even as he’d tried to take her hand, she’d pulled away violently, trying to sit up, to flee and been unable to do so. “You did this. You couldn’t save her and you didn’t want to. This is your fault!”

Blinking back the rise of tears at the memory, Simon again opened his eyes to regard her still form.

“Daddy?”

Looking to the sound of the voice, Simon saw his daughter’s little form, her eyes gazing up at him, big and wide. Smiling slightly at the sight of her, Simon pulled her up into his arms and settled her against his side. Rylee immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head against his comfortable shoulder.

“Why’s aunt River so sad?” Rylee was staring at her aunt. The older woman who Rylee normally played and laughed with had been in the infirmary for over a week and half and now she’d been lying in bed for another week. Rylee couldn’t understand it.

Sighing heavily, Simon slid his sister’s door shut and walked with his girl over to the couch opposite the med bay. Sitting down with her, he placed her in his lap and again looked into those brown eyes of hers. He and Kaylee had tried to explain to Daniel and Rylee what was happening to River. Simon had never wanted to explain death to his children, especially not when they were both so young, but circumstances had forced his hand. Daniel had seemed to understand better than his sister, which didn’t surprise Simon in the least. Daniel was much more analytical, more logically minded than his baby sister, while Rylee was much more intuitive, much more sensitive to what people were feeling. She did not understand the finality of death, or how someone whom they had never met could be dead.

“You remember when your mom and I told you about aunt River’s baby?” Simon asked quietly, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. She nodded at him and he continued, “Well, aunt River’s sad right now because she loved that baby very much, as much as mommy and I love you and Daniel, and now she can’t love her anymore because she’s gone.”

“’Cause she’s dead?” Rylee asked, trying to piece together all the parts of this in her little mind.

Nodding, Simon swallowed back tears. “Yes, sweetheart, because she’s dead.”

Rylee thought about that for a moment and then with a huge grin on her features said brightly, “Well, she can just have another baby. Then she won’t be sad no more.”

Simon smiled back at her, although his grin was tinged with sadness. “Anymore,” he corrected gently and then said, “And I’m afraid it just isn’t that easy. It’s going to take aunt River some time to feel better. We have to be patient.”

Looking to her father quizzically, Rylee pouted and said, “But you and mommy always say patience is a virtue with which I have not been blessed.” She repeated the phrase a bit clumsily, but considering how often she’d heard it, it came out just right.

Suppressing a chuckle, Simon hugged her to him, feeling such a swell of love for her he didn’t think he could take it. Both of his children always managed to cheer him or Kaylee when things were bad. As much as they might annoy them both at times as well, they were children after all, they loved each other and the people on the ship as family. Simon often felt his spirit buoyed by that commitment, especially now when his sister, the one person in the ‘verse he had always thought he could protect, was hurting so deeply.

“I don’t want Aunt River to be sad no – anymore,” Rylee said, her voice muffled as she buried her face against his neck.

Rubbing her back, Simon felt the same way. “I know, sweetie. I know.”

They sat there like that, dad and daughter for a quiet moment, until Simon felt the couch shift ever-so-slightly beside him. Looking to his right, he saw his son’s concerned gaze as he looked first to his father and then to his sister.

Reaching out and placing a light hand to her back, Daniel remembered her fear from the previous night and was instantly filled with concern for her. “You okay, Ry?” he asked quietly.

Turning her face to him against her father’s shoulder, she gave him a weak smile, and nodded once. “Yeah, Danny. M’okay.”

Smiling at her, Daniel leaned against Simon’s side, his hand still resting comfortingly on his sister’s back. As he felt Rylee’s small form sigh with a bit of relief at the touch, Simon could not help but think of his own sister, of how he and River had often been able to comfort each other, even at a young age.

With a heart full of gratitude at the care encapsulated in his small children, Simon hugged them both to him tightly.

***

Jayne was lifting, again. His sweaty form had been a permanent fixture on the weight bench since River’s operation and while everyone on board knew the man was trying desperately to ignore his pain, no one had been willing to call him on it – until now.

Kaylee regarded him from the doorway for a minute more, waiting until he finished his last set of reps before pursing her lips and striding forward. As he sat up to take a small break, Kaylee asked, “Jayne?”

He glanced furtively in her direction, before again laying down on the bench and gripping the bar. “Whatda ya wan’?” He grunted and raised the weights again, breathing in and out heavily, almost drowning out her answer.

“Have you seen River lately?” Kaylee asked him, having to raise her voice more than she wanted to in order to be heard over his exhalations.

“She don’t wanna see me,” was his cold reply, as he pushed his body harder than necessary, hoping Kaylee would go away.

“That ain’t true an’ you know it,” she told him coldly, stepping around to the end of the bench and standing over him. “She needs her husband.”

“She don’t need me, Kaylee, there ain’t nothin’ I can do.” Jayne said the words harshly, knowing for certain they would disgust the mechanic and send her on her way. And he was right.

With an indignant look and a huff, Kaylee stormed away from him. Once she was out of sight, he let the barbell drop loudly and the clang reverberated around the empty room. He knew Kaylee was right, he should be with River, but every time he walked into that room and saw her cold, dead eyes, he felt a chill run through him. He had tried to reach out to her in the past week, since the surgery, but she had not once even acknowledged his presence.

He’d done everything he could think of, sitting with her, talking to her, even laying with her, but she did not move, did not flinch, did not even cry. She just stared and Jayne could not take it. He needed her to admit to her pain, needed her to grieve so he could grieve, so they could both move on and try to get back the happiness they’d once had.

But whether River was unwilling or unable to do so, he didn’t know. She had shut him out, as effectively as if she’d placed a door between them and locked it from the inside. And no amount of his normal brute force was going to break it down.

***

Remember, leave those nice, long, shiny comments!