A/N: Thanks to all for hanging in there with the angst. This chapter will help our BDHs get back to normal (a bit) while the next will start layering the plot.

Thanks to Leiasky for the beta!

And remember, I still love shiny comments!

***

A NEW BEGINNING, ch. 7: To Have and To Hold

***

The next few days on Harvest were a study in contrasts. At one end of the spectrum there were the children, loud and happy, playing with reckless abandon, while the adults all moved about in a subdued manner, trying to be sensitive to their family’s pain. Millie was an excellent host, as were Walt and Marie. Mal, Inara and Mimi had taken up residence with the Everetts, while Kaylee, Simon, Daniel and Rylee were all staying with Kaylee’s folks, just a few yards away. Jayne and River were the only two at Millie’s, Jayne sleeping in the room next to his wife’s as she still would not acknowledge his presence or absence.

Simon had tried hard in the past few days to give his sister distance, to let her work with Millie and talk through some of her pain, but after the third day of staying away, he found he couldn’t take it anymore. Rising early, he was dressing to go see her, when Kaylee roused at his side. “Where ya goin’?” Her sleep-filled voice instantly sent a warm tremor down his spine, as it always did. Turning to take in her sleepy eyes, Simon moved back to the bed and kissed her long and deep.

Sighing slightly as their lips parted, Kaylee curled her hand around his freshly buttoned shirt and said coyly, “You ain’t startin’ somethin’ you can’t finish now, are ya?”

Simon laughed slightly, as he let her pull them together, working his mouth over hers and smiling when he felt her moan against him. With great difficulty, he finally parted them, and sat back, trying to ignore the look of desire burning in his wife’s eyes and simultaneously burning in his groin. “Not now, bao bei, I want to see River, before the day gets started.”

Pouting prettily, Kaylee flopped back on the bed with a sigh. “Well, all right then. Bye.” She rolled over and Simon knew she was baiting him, trying to get him to stick around and apologize. And it worked.

Circling the bed, he knelt beside her and brushed her hair back from her forehead. “I will make it up to you,” he promised, brushing a light kiss against her mouth. “Later.”

Smiling contently, Kaylee let her eyes again fall closed as she murmured, “I’ll hol’ you to that.”

Grinning at her, Simon kissed her again and then snuck quietly out of their room as she again fell asleep. As he moved to exit the house, he ran into his son, rummaging through his grandparents’ cabinets for some breakfast. Standing in the doorway to the kitchen, Simon asked, “And what are you doing?”

Stiffening as he realized he’d been caught, Daniel turned a sheepish grin on his father and said, “Nothing.”

Sighing, Simon entered the room, fishing out the box of cereal his son had no doubt been looking for. Getting him a bowl, spoon and milk, Simon sat with him as he fixed his breakfast. Taking his first big mouthful, his son’s blue eyes roved over his form and he asked, “Where’re you going?”

“To see your aunt River.” Simon watched with amusement as Daniel took another big bite and a drop of milk dribbled down his chin. Leaning over he kissed him on the forehead and turned to leave. “Be good. Your mom and sister are still sleeping. And don’t wake your grandparents, either.”

“Yes sir,” Daniel answered heartily, watching his father go. “And dad?”

Turning back to regard him, Simon saw a seriousness on the boy’s features that he’d only seen a handful of times before. Noting that he again had his father’s full attention, he said, “Tell aunt River I’m real sorry and I love her.”

With a sad smile, Simon told him, “I will, son. Love you.”

“Love you,” the boy called after him, turning back to again attack his cereal. With a feeling of anxiety that seemed to dwell permanently in his chest, Simon headed for his sister’s room, hoping that today might be the day she actually let him help her.

***

Inara awoke early, feeling queasy and light-headed, which unfortunately seemed to be a permanent state lately. With a sigh, and a quickened pace, she hurried from the room she was sharing with Mal to the bathroom across the way, quickly discarding any and all of the contents in her stomach.

Splashing cold water to her face, Inara took a deep breath. She knew what this meant; she had known what it meant a month ago when she’d first noticed the signs. She and Mal had been careful after Mimi’s birth, using less invasive methods than the shots for birth control. Now that they were married, it just seemed silly to worry over it. But she knew, now, why they always had.

The timing could not be worse. Not only were they on a bad run with jobs, meaning that their cash flow was dwindling, but with everything going on with River … Inara’s eyes clouded with tears again as she thought of her friend and all she was suffering. She hated to see River so distraught – it just didn’t seem right. She had already suffered through so much in her young life, and now she had to live through this. Inara’s heart ached for her. But she knew that life nor the ‘verse ever stopped and she knew that she should be happy for her family, for her and Mal and Mimi, that they would soon have another little one to bring into this world.

Truthfully, Inara loved being a mother. She’d had reservations, a lot of them actually surfacing during her pregnancy with Mimi, but as soon as she had held that perfect little girl in her arms, all of those fears had vanished. They’d been replaced of course, with fears for her daughter’s health and safety, but she’d never ever again questioned the joy of being a mother.

A light knock on the door jolted her from her musings. “Yes?” she called softly, realizing that it was early.

Mal’s voice sounded through the wood. “’Nara, you okay?”

Smiling at his concern, Inara straightened her shoulders and moved to open the door. She wouldn’t tell him anything, not yet, not until she had confirmation.

Opening the door to face him, she fixed him with a brilliant smile and kissed him lightly, before moving back to their room to get another hour or so of sleep. “Of course, sweetie. Come back to bed.”

Still half-asleep himself, Mal turned and trudged back into the room, wondering why he’d felt the need to check up on her in the first place. Damn sleep-addled mind.

***

As Simon rounded the corner to River’s room, he stopped short. Jayne was sitting on the floor in front of her door, his head lolling to the side as he tried to stay awake. Approaching the man slowly, Simon called, “Jayne?”

Grunting and waking with a start, his brother-in-law met his gaze and blinked with recognition. “Mornin’, Simon,” he said gruffly, raising his arms over his head and stretching.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Simon answered, “Morning.” Pausing for a just another moment as the merc let out a particularly violent yawn, he finally said, “What are you doing out here?”

Glancing to the closed door over his shoulder, Jayne rose. Giving the other man a shrug, he answered, “Dunno. I jus’ thought it’d be best to be close is all.”

Simon’s heart actually swelled with pity for the man before him. It was no secret that he and Jayne, even after having known each other for years, were not friends. They were barely acquaintances and only tolerated the others’ presence for the sake of his sister and the rest of the crew. But regardless of how much Simon disliked him, he would never have wished this on Jayne, or any man. It wasn’t right for something so natural and wonderful to go so terribly wrong.

Nodding once, Simon approached him and placed a hand to his shoulder. “Well, I’m going to see if I can get her to talk. Why don’t you go get some real sleep?”

Reluctantly, Jayne turned to go. Thinking of one request as he paused in the doorway to his own room, he turned back to the doctor and said, “Would you tell her that I love her and I want to see her? Maybe she’ll listen to you.”

Severely doubting it, Simon nodded all the same and with another sigh, Jayne entered his room, shutting the door. Steeling himself for what would no doubt be a very one-sided conversation, Simon pushed open River’s door. He blinked slightly as the room was dim, the curtains drawn over the window. Glancing to the bed, he was surprised to see it empty and searched quickly for where River could be. He breathed out a sigh of relief, as he saw her, sitting with her back to the wall in a far corner of the room.

Approaching her slowly, Simon reached out a hand and touched her shoulder. “Mei mei, what are you doing out of bed?” Even as he asked the question, he placed his hand under her elbow, intending to guide her back to her bed. “You need to be resting.”

For the first time in over a month, River turned her big, brown eyes to her brother and held his gaze. Simon felt his breath hitch in his throat as he met her eyes, his own welling with tears at the coldness and lifelessness he saw there. This wasn’t his sister, this shell of a girl before him and it pained him in ways no one could ever guess to see her so broken.

Reaching out a hand, Simon laid it gently against her cheek which was cold to the touch. “River, come on, let’s get you back in bed.”

Fiercely, she snatched at his hand against her face and held it tightly within her own. Sitting forward a bit, she used her other hand to clutch the front of his shirt. “Help me,” she whispered, her voice harsh from disuse.

Simon’s eyes immediately burned uncomfortably at her request. Taking her by the shoulders, he held her gaze and answered, “Of course, mei mei. I’m here.” He tried to pull her into an embrace but with a force he didn’t expect, she pulled away from him, her gaze still angry. “No,” she told him harshly, shaking her head, her dark hair flying. “No, not as a brother, as a doctor.”

A cold hand closed around his heart and Simon backed up involuntarily at her words. He doubted she had any clue of how much that one statement had just hurt him. “What?” he whispered, his own voice hoarse.

With no recognition of his anguish, River forged ahead, her voice even. “It wasn’t an accident,” she told him, still holding his gaze, even as he rose fully and paced the room. “It wasn’t. Something happened. Something that could have been stopped. I need you to find out what it is.”

Simon was valiantly trying to stifle his own despair as he again regarded his sister. He could tell by the intensity of her gaze that she believed what she was positing, every word. But he couldn’t help her with this, he could not give her paranoia credence. Not when every test, every exam all pointed to happenstance. A tragedy to be sure, but not something that would warrant her accusation of some kind of conspiracy.

“River, there’s no reason to believe that -"

“I know it,” she told him firmly, rising with a bit of difficulty, but standing nonetheless. “I know,” she bit out, standing in front of him with her fists on her hips. “I’ve been having dreams, Simon. Dreams of faceless men who want my baby. There’s more to this.” Sighing heavily, her body sagged as the exertion finally caught up with her. “I didn’t do anything wrong, it was something else.”

Simon watched her in shock as she hobbled back towards her bed. He reached out to help her, but she again pushed him away, sitting gingerly on the edge of the soft mattress and sighing heavily. Studying her for a moment more, when she again brought her eyes up to meet his, they were filled with a deep pain, one he could barely stand to see. “Please, Simon,” she finally said, her voice again even and toneless. “Please help me.”

Shaking his head, Simon tried to think of a reason, some explanation that would deter her from wanting to pursue this. It wasn’t healthy for her to continue clinging to false hopes or perceived threats, not when she so desperately needed to move on. Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his and said, “Mei mei, I’m sorry, but that won’t help you heal. And that’s all I care about right now, you getting better.”

Knowing that she didn’t believe him and probably never would, he rose and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Get some sleep,” he murmured, moving out the door before his anguish overwhelmed him.

As he headed back for the Fryes’, he felt his anger rise and replace the frustration that had been boiling in his gut. Stumbling back into his room, Kaylee awakened at the sound, having been close to rising anyway. Turning to regard him, she sat up as she recognized the anger on his face.

Reaching out a hand to him, she asked quietly, “Simon?”

He looked to her, shame coloring his features for being so transparent. But River, his beautiful sister … he could barely think on it without the sick feeling of more helplessness churning in his gut. “I’m sorry, Kaylee. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Kaylee realized quickly he wasn’t going to come to her and so she rose, walking to him and placing both her hands against his cheeks. Forcing his gaze to meet hers, her eyes welled with tears as she read his pain. “What is it, sweetie? Is River okay?”

At the sound of his sister’s name, Simon could only shake his head, unable to trust his voice. Kaylee hugged him tightly, wishing she had more to give him than just the embrace. Slowly, she guided them both back towards the bed and laid down with him, his head resting against her chest. She continued to hold him, rocking him gently and whispering the only words of comfort she could think of. “I love you, Simon.”

***

Jayne awoke hours later feeling well-rested, but not any less anxiety-ridden. He was not a man accustomed to dealing with this type of pain and it angered and frustrated him that he could not find a way to manage it. Shaking his head quickly to clear it, he rose and thought on his options. He could go see River, sit with her some more while she continued to ignore him, but he wasn’t rightly sure he could handle more of her stalwart behavior, not now.

Shamefully, he considered that the person he should really go see was Cadie. The poor child had done nothing wrong, and yet, ever since Jayne had scolded her that day, probably scaring her something fierce she had avoided him and all the members of Serenity’s crew like the plague. And that just wasn’t right. The girl had only been acting as she had every time he and River had ever come by the past four years. And truthfully, she still held a warm spot in Jayne’s heart – he would always remember her with fondness, because it was his love and concern for her that had translated more fully into his love and concern for River. Besides, he could never forget how much River had doted on that child, wishing that she was hers. Or how she’d cried ever time they’d left her behind.

Cadie may not have been theirs by blood or law, but Jayne felt and he knew that River did to, as if she was their own little girl.

Slapping his thighs, he rose and dressed quickly, determined to set things right between him and the girl. She didn’t deserve any of the rage he’d exhibited towards her the other day and he’d be damned if she was going to think he’d stopped caring.

Exiting his room, he paused, glancing to River’s door. A thought forming in his mind, he hurried off to find Cadie hoping that just maybe the healing process would begin soon.

***

Cadie was sitting alone under a big tree on the edge of the yard. She watched with detached interest as the children played a game, noting how the children from Serenity never ventured far from each other, as if afraid they would be unable to find their way back. Her brothers and sisters on the other hand, ran far and wide, always looking for the best hiding spot, always trying to get some distance on the others. She supposed the differences in their demeanors had something to do with how they were raised, but she wasn’t particularly interested in finding out more. Not when she could still feel so much pain.

It had been a few days since Jayne had yelled at her, but she didn’t feel any better. In fact, if it were possible, she felt worse. His and River’s inability to pay her any attention hurt her deeply. She always missed them when they were gone and could never wait for the days when they would get waves, telling them the crew of Serenity was coming back to Harvest. Those days and the days they actually landed were always the best for Cadie.

She knew that River was grieving because of the loss of her own child and she remembered with tears in her eyes the last time River had been by and told her that she was going to be a mother. Cadie had cried then too, asking in her quiet voice if that meant River would no longer care for her. But with a smile and a big hug, River had buried her fears, telling her that she would always love Cadie and so would Jayne. Cadie had believed her at the time.

But now, she wasn’t so sure. After Jayne’s harshness and the disconnect she felt from River, Cadie was certain there was something she must have done to push them away. And the thought that she had unwittingly pushed them out of her life caused her more grief than she’d ever thought possible.

Sighing heavily, she tried to swallow down her tears, but she knew it wasn’t going to work. Considering that maybe she would go sit with Elijah – in his darkened room, no one would bother her and she could cry in silence – she saw Jayne’s lumbering form approaching her. She could tell he was coming to see her and her whole body tensed. Part of her wanted to run and hide so as not to be yelled at again, but an even bigger part simply sat still, praying that he was coming to hold her and tell her he was sorry.

Watching him with her big, blue eyes, she saw his nervousness as he approached. Her face expressionless, she waited for him to address her. “Well, hey there, lil’ one.” His voice was a tad shaky, another sign of his anxiety. Cadie did not answer him, but simply continued to regard him in silence.

Jayne felt his palms going sweaty and he hated it. Wiping them harshly against his pant leg, he sat next to the quiet girl on the bench and looked out into the yard where the other children were playing. “Why ain’t you playin’ with ‘em?” he asked, hoping that she might talk to him.

Again, she gave no answer, her heart pounding too loudly in her chest for her to form a thought, let alone words. Sighing heavily, Jayne finally turned back to her and saw the start of tears in her eyes. Feeling like a complete ass, he gently wiped one tear off her cheek as he said, “Now, don’t cry, baby girl, I hate it when girls cry.”

Cadie wanted to back away from his touch, but she had frozen again as she realized he’d called her baby girl. That’s what he’d always called her, and she knew it was the same endearment he used with River. “I came to apologize,” he continued, oblivious to her internal musings. “It wasn’t right o’ me to yell atcha the other day. I was jus’ hurtin’ is all and I took it out on you. And that ain’t right.” With a deep breath, he risked again looking to the little girl and felt even worse when he saw she was crying steadily now, her tears running in paths down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Cadie,” he said hurriedly, his heart sinking as he realized he was probably the last person she wanted to see. “I’ll leave you ‘lone then.” He moved to get up, but her little hand on his arm stopped him.

Looking back to her, he saw her eyes, still full of tears, glimmering with just a bit of hope. “Dada?” she questioned hesitantly, looking to him expectantly.

Nodding once, he turned back to face her, and she launched herself into his arms. “Yes, baby, I’m here.” He whispered into her hair, as she squeezed her arms around his neck, holding tight. Letting out a sigh of relief, Jayne felt a hundred times better knowing that Cadie wasn’t mad at him.

As if reading his mind – and she probably was – she pulled back slightly and said, “No, not mad, never mad. I thought you and mama didn’t love me anymore.” As soon as she said the words aloud she again dissolved into sobs and Jayne held her tight to him, feeling his own sadness well in his chest.

“I’m sorry, baby girl,” he whispered. “I shoulda never been so mean. That was jus’ wrong o’ me.” Pausing for a moment, he continued to rub her back soothingly, waiting for her sobs to die down before continuing. “It’s just that, well …” He realized as he tried to finish the thought he had no idea what to say.

But Cadie did. “You and mama are sad, ‘cause your baby’s gone,” she said quietly, her voice muffled against his neck.

Sighing again, Jayne had to admit, she was right. “Yup, we’re real sad.”

Cadie nodded once and then fell silent. She felt such relief to know that Jayne still cared for her, but the pain she felt coming from River still coursed through her and she wanted it to stop; for her sake and for River’s.

It seemed that even Jayne could read that thought from her mind. “How ‘bout we go visit with River?” he asked, pulling back slightly so he could look at her.

A hesitant grin sweeping across her face, she nodded once and answered, “Yes, please. I want to help.”

Nodding once, Jayne hefted her up, keeping her in his arms as he walked them back towards Millie’s. “So do I, lil’ one,” he murmured, hoping that seeing Cadie would help his wife. “So do I.”

***

River was lying in bed again staring at nothing when she felt Jayne approach. She knew he wanted to see her, to be with her, but she’d been finding it so difficult just to breathe, she couldn’t imagine having to talk or cry through her pain. Besides, if she let it go, if she opened those flood gates and really gave in to the sadness that swirled in her, she was fairly certain there would be nothing left.

That’s why she’d pushed everyone away. Of course, Simon had thought her anger was directed at him, at his inability to save her child and Jayne thought her anger was directed at him, at his inability to keep her safe, but they were both wrong. Her anger, all of it, was directed at herself, for not knowing that something was wrong, for not listening when her baby had called out for help. She had pushed them away, because she didn’t deserve their love.

With tears forming in her eyes, she remembered back to a few years before, when she and Jayne had both admitted their feelings for one another. At the time, she had told him, warned him, that she wasn’t good enough for him, that she would only cause him pain, but he’d refused to listen. It brought her very little comfort to know she’d been right. She knew now that she should have been stronger, should have resisted her growing feelings for the man, because then she wouldn’t be suffering half as much.

But she did love him and that’s what made this whole situation horrifying. She loved him with every fiber of her being, just as she had loved her child. But River knew now, now that she was alone, now that she had failed as a wife and a mother that she didn’t deserve him or the love he was trying to give her.

She didn’t want to see him, but powerless to stop him, she heard the door open. Her back was to the entrance, her eyes staring out the window at the daylight beyond.

“River?”

She did not acknowledge him, hoping that he might go away. But within seconds, she heard his heavy footsteps round the bed and he knelt before her. Reaching up, he brushed some of her hair back off her cheek and behind her ear and it took every muscle in River’s body not to grab for his hand and hold on tight. She didn’t want to be alone, but she knew she deserved it.

Pressing a light kiss to her cheek, he pulled back to again gaze at her expressionless face, his blue eyes conveying a pain she had only seen in them once or twice before. Suppressing her own tears, she did not say anything, waiting for him to get the hint and leave. She was a bit startled, when she saw a movement out of the corner of her eye. Watching as her eyes darted back and forth, Jayne cleared his throat and explained, “I broughtcha a visitor.” He reached out a hand to his side and pulled Cadie forward.

The two girls stared at each other for a minute, blue eyes locking onto brown with an intensity that made Jayne shiver. He watched with a slight glimmer of hope as River’s eyes widened in recognition of the girl. Cadie stood still, staring at the woman who was, in her mind anyway, her mother and tried to keep her tears in.

After several moments, River slowly sat up, shifting to lean against the headboard of the bed and stare straight ahead. Not looking back to Cadie, she said stonily, “Get out.”

Cadie stifled a sob, even as Jayne stepped forward to intervene. Before he could reach either one of them, Cadie moved towards River and placed a delicate hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, mama,” she whispered.

Pulling her arm violently from the girl’s touch, River felt her anger rising and she wanted them both to leave before it exploded. “Get out,” she bit out again, wishing the tears she felt forming in her eyes would go away.

Cadie turned back to look at Jayne and he did finally step forward, sitting beside River on the bed. Taking her hand in his and Cadie’s in the other, he looked between them, before addressing his wife, “River, darlin’, why’re you so mad at Cadie? She din’t do nothin’.”

“Yes, she did,” was River’s cold response, her hand limp in Jayne’s grasp.

Throwing a confused look to the little girl, he expected her to be giving him one in return. But when he met her blue eyes, he saw recognition there, a memory pulled to the surface telling her all she needed to know and causing more tears to fall down her smooth cheeks.

“I didn’t know,” Cadie whispered, realizing now why River was so angry with her. That image, that memory she had shown her, all those years ago … Cadie hadn’t understood at the time what it was or even who it was, all she’d been able to determine then was that it was an image River needed to see and one that would factor into the older woman’s future. Even now, Cadie was uncertain who that baby had been who had sprung so easily to her mind, but she still believed it had been the right thing to do. And even if it hadn’t, Cadie would have been powerless to stop it – when she’d been three, she’d had no where near the control she had now.

But, as she again looked to River’s profile and saw the anger and coldness there, she knew that River had assumed that image, that baby, to be hers, hers and Jayne’s and that made the loss for her all the more unbearable. Fighting back more tears, she pulled her hand from Jayne and then muttered, “I’m sorry,” before turning and running from the room.

Jayne watched her go, completely torn. He wanted to go after her, wanted to tell her that it was all right, but these last few minutes had been the most River had spoken in almost a month, and he’d be damned if he let the opportunity to reach his wife slip by.

Looking back to River, he saw a few tears falling down her face, and while it pained him to see her cry, it also bolstered his flagging spirit. Maybe she would finally start to move on.

“I’m not moving on, Jayne, so just forget it.” Her voice was still empty and Jayne silently cursed her ability to read his mind.

“I ain’t sayin’ you gotta forget, baby girl,” he told her slowly, gently, easing towards her a bit on the bed, and keeping his hand in hers. “But we gotta talk ‘bout this or it ain’t never gonna get better.”

Looking to him with the severest glare he’d ever seen from her warm brown eyes, she bit out, “I want a divorce.”

The statement caused Jayne to physically fall back. He dropped her hand to the bed and stood, stumbling a bit from the statement and the acrimony with which it had been spoken. Turning to her, his own anger rising, he said, “You don’t mean that.”

Still looking to him with those angry eyes, River did not repeat the statement, but simply crossed her arms over her chest. She would not say it again, because she knew she couldn’t. She would never be able to say something so hurtful, so painful again to her husband without breaking down, but she knew the statement would stay with him and he would not forget.

But she hadn’t given Jayne enough credit. He knew how stubborn she could be and how hurt she was, and the two of them together, stubborn and hurt, in his wife was a deadly combination. One that he had witnessed a handful of times before and one he had always survived, and he wasn’t about to lose that track record now.

Moving back to her side, he took both her hands in his, determined to make her see reason. This was it, he was not leaving this room without the two of them having it out and if that meant a yelling, shouting, screaming match, then he was up for the challenge.

But before he could even begin, she fixed him with a hard glare, her tears drying instantly and said, “Just go, Jayne.”

Shaking his head, he countered, “No.”

Her eyes widening in shock, she repeated, “No?”

Shaking his head again, he told her, “No. I ain’t leavin’ till we talk, till we fix what broke between us so we can be together again. And I ain’t leavin’ you to suffer more by yerself, it ain’t right.”

She snorted at him and pulled her hands away from his grasp, re-crossing her arms over her chest. “You can’t fix this Jayne,” she told him coldly. “I was pregnant, now I’m not. I can’t ever give you a baby. So I want you to go.”

“No,” he told her again, not surprised when she shot him another scathing look. Setting his jaw, he said firmly, “I ain’t goin’ nowhere ‘cause I love you. That ain’t changed.”

“Yes it has,” she muttered bitterly, sighing heavily and refusing to meet his gaze. “You don’t love me anymore, you feel sorry for me. There’s a difference.”

It was Jayne’s turn to chuckle in disbelief. “Darlin’, I ain’t never felt sorry for you a day in my life and I ain’t about to start now.” Placing his hands on her shoulders, he forced her to meet his gaze. Once she had locked those big brown eyes on his, he said again, “I love you.”

River could feel the truth to his words, his desperation for her to believe him, to release the anger and fear and hate and sadness she had bottled up so readily and let him help her. But she couldn’t do it. He didn’t understand and never would. He’d always thought of her as strong, unmovable, but the truth was she was more vulnerable than just about anyone, and these emotions that she was locking away had the power to tear her down. And the woman who would be left when she stopped grieving, she doubted he or anyone else would recognize.

Shaking her head, River tried to pull away from him, but he held her firm. “Well, I don’t love you,” she threw at him, amazed she could lie so convincingly when her body was already at its weakest.

Apparently, it wasn’t that convincing. At her words, Jayne simply scooted forward more and this time reached up to cup her face in his hands. “Don’t matter, darlin’,” he said, his voice quieter this time as his blue eyes continued to search hers. “’Cause I still love you.”

River could feel her resolve breaking, the resolve she had spent the last month building up. He’d always had the power to do this to her, even when she’d been angry or hurt, he’d always managed to get through. He’d done it when Simon had gone all those years ago and they’d thought him dead. And he was doing it now, reaching out to her, finding that one tiny crack in her emotional armor and working it open, until she was laid bare before him.

Turning pleading eyes to him, Jayne saw as tears again pooled in her brown eyes. Begging him, she whispered, “Please, Jayne, just go.”

Shaking his head, he told her, “No, I’m stayin’. We already been through that.” Watching her for a moment more, he asked quietly, “Why you want me to go so bad?”

Swallowing hard, River felt the first of her tears fall and knew that she would soon break down. Hoping she could hold out until she had convinced him to leave, she said brokenly, “Because, I don’t deserve you or Simon or anyone. I deserve to suffer for what happened, and I deserve to do it alone. All alone,” she finished bitterly, biting her lip to keep her sobs in.

But it wasn’t going to work, not now. Looking back to Jayne, she saw that he had shed a few tears as well, a rarity if she’d ever seen one. He had barely cried on their wedding day or the day she’d told him she was pregnant. And now, seeing those tears, made her feel even worse, because she knew she’d put them there.

“You see?” she asked him, nodding in his direction. “I’m just causing you more pain. Just go, Jayne. Run, get out of here and forget you ever met me. You’ll be better off.” She was crying now, unabashedly, her tears rolling down her cheeks in steady streams, hitting and falling into Jayne’s hands where they still rested against her face.

“No, I won’t,” he told her, his voice husky with his own emotion. “I don’t know why you can’t see that. I love you, and that means, I’m better off with you, whether you’re happy, mad, sad, or otherwise.” He tried to smile at her, but River would have none of it.

“Jayne, please, you can’t be here,” she begged, swallowing past the lump rising in her throat, bringing more tears to her already burning eyes.

“Why not?” he asked her gently, wiping her cheeks with his thumbs.

“Because I can’t keep holding this in with you here,” she admitted, not meeting his gaze. “And if I let it go ….” She couldn’t finish the thought.

Moving towards her more, Jayne was just inches from her as he whispered, “Then let it go.”

River pulled out of his grasp, trying to hit at him, trying to force him away. “No, no, no,” she just kept sobbing, over and over again. Jayne held firm, waiting for her to release the anger and grief she was trying to hold in. He knew she would, he knew that she couldn’t keep it bottled away forever.

She had tried, so hard, but as River felt her body tire and more tears fall, she knew this was it. Good, bad or ugly, she had no more fight left. Wailing, she sank against Jayne’s chest and sobbed, huge, chest-heaving sobs that made it difficult for her to breathe. Jayne felt her let go and encircled her small form in his muscled arms, feeling her shake and tremble with the weight of her emotions.

Hoping he could soothe her with just his presence, he held her tightly against him, waiting as she cried and crying with her. When she could finally speak again, she said between hiccups, “I’m sorry, Jayne. I’m so sorry.”

“You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for, baby,” he murmured into her hair, continuing to stroke her back and rock her a bit.

“But I killed her,” she cried, her face buried against his neck.

“Shh, now, that ain’t true and you done know it,” he scolded, letting his voice get a bit of an edge. “What happened was an accident, through and through. Simon done told you that. You gotta believe him. Your brother may not be good for much, but doctorin’s somethin’ I think we can both agree he’s got a mind for.”

She knew he was trying to cheer her, but she could not help thinking that there was more to this than just a simple accident. She still believed that her baby had been killed by … something, she just didn’t know what. But she swallowed her theory, knowing now was not the time. Besides, she didn’t want to tell Jayne anything until she knew more.

Jayne held her for a long while, feeling her body relax a bit as she cried all her tears. Lying down with her, he pulled her against his chest, so relieved to be able to hold her again and to feel her warm body next to his. Running his hand through her hair, he knew she would be asleep soon, guessing that she would be more than tired from such a release. Holding the hand she had placed over his heart, Jayne asked her quietly, “River, why’d you get so mad at Cadie?”

Swallowing hard, River whimpered when she thought of the poor girl’s confusion and pain. She hadn’t meant to lash out at her, but she just couldn’t keep it in. She’d felt betrayed by the little girl, even though she had never meant River or Jayne any harm; even though she still looked to them both as her parents. “Oh, poor Cadie,” River whispered, trying to sit up.

But Jayne’s strong arm around her shoulders kept her locked to his chest. “Shh, now, she’ll be fine. We’ll go see her in a bit, but I want you to get some sleep first.”

River nodded once unable to deny that she was exhausted. Looking up to him, she met his blue-eyed gaze and whispered, “You’re going to stay with me, right?”

Smiling at her he pressed a kiss to her forehead before leaning down and placing a gentle one to her mouth. “Of course, you ain’t gettin’ rid o’ me ever again. Remember that,” he chided, as she again settled her head to his chest, snuggling into him as close as she could.

“I will,” she murmured. She began to drift off, still feeling the weight of her grief, but also feeling, for the first time in a long while, the lightness of hope as she fell asleep in Jayne’s arms, knowing that he still loved her.

***

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