Small Moments #1 Disclaimer; characters and 'verse not mine, Joss and company's

Remorse

It wouldn't have happened, if they'd made her stay on the boat. Her good days were nearly normal days, now, when insanity was only a whisper in her glance or her stance and most of her words made sense. Her bad days . . . were still bad, although in ways subtly different than before the crew had revealed Miranda's dirty little secret. So when the good days were with her, Simon demanded she make the most of them, and the crew -- except for Jayne -- did not object.

She went on-planet with them, as she always had, and no one thought twice about it. No one feared it might be unsafe to let her eat in the little ice cream parlor with only Kaylee for company, while Simon, Zoe and Jayne finished picking up various supplies. No one thought Jayne might be in any danger, alone with her in the train station guarding the last of those supplies while every one else was busy elsewhere.

No one felt the need to accompany her into the ladies' room, certainly not Jayne.

That was how she came to be standing, trembling, tears tracking her cheeks, good days gone and bad days back with a vengeance,staring at a fragile lifeless form. Life gone, life lost, because of her. She'd crushed it away. Blood was smeared and limbs were mangled. Her Academy training hadn't been triggered, but she knew that training was what screamed into her mind that the murder didn't matter, that it was inconsequential. But no, that wasn't right, was it, she had re-learned the truth on the boat;

"No life is inconsequential", she muttered, staring at the blood she'd spilled, then with ascending volume, "No life, no life NO LIFE-" screaming, and she was crouching, covering the back of her head with her hands. On Serenity, where it was pure, this would not have happened. It was home and only the approved would have been allowed on board. The unapproved brought the unexpected, and this dead one would never have been approved, would never have been allowed in. And she, River, would not have been brought to this.

This was not the same as a room full of reavers or a bar full of thugs and criminals. She'd felt no remorse for those lives. But this one had been a true innocent, a mere annoyance, and surely had lacked even the knowledge that she'd been annoying-

"So sorry, sorry," River crooned to the mutilated corpse, as the door to the restroom flew open and Jayne burst through it, pistol out, searching the dingy cement room for a target. Finding none, he slowly lowered Eleanor to frown at the crazy girl, who was crouched rocking crazy-like in a corner but appeared otherwise whole.

"What's yer problem?" he growled, stepping away from the open doorway and stalking in her direction. "Y' don't look hurt. Can't be hollerin' like that in public places fer no reason."

She untucked her head to snarl ferociously up at him, and if he was honest that look was the cause of him not putting Eleanor back in her holster.

"The reason is obvious! She has killed again! She cannot control it! It was wrong, it was wrong, she could not tell it at the time, not in time-" she gestured wildly at the bloody body, at the innocence slaughtered by her own hand.

Jayne stared where she indicated. Wrinkled his nose. Crouched down beside her, his boots treading on the outflung blue of her skirt, and put a hand to his mouth. Squinted.

"Gorram, girl. That's a mosquito."