A/N: This chapter will see the beginning of some really tense angst, so I hope you enjoy. Thanks again to all for reading and responding - it's awful shiny of ya!

And thanks must again go to Leiasky, for ignoring her own series, so she can beta mine. Thanks!

***

A NEW BEGINNING, ch. 9: Desire & Need

***

They were chasing her again: those faceless men, attacking, clawing, trying to harm her. There were sharp objects: knives, needles and saws cutting at her skin, biting into her arms, her legs, her chest. And worst of all there was a huge, heavy weight pressing against her stomach, pressing against her baby, hurting her so badly, she could not breathe.

It’s what the faceless men wanted, her child. They clawed at her to try and cut her baby away and River screamed and kicked at them with the strength of a dozen Jaynes. With a feral hunger and a thirst for blood, she protected her body and her baby, until she was overwhelmed – until she was bleeding, broken and empty, her child gone.

River awoke with a sharp intake of breath, sitting straight up in bed, even as the motion caused a pain to shoot through her still healing abdomen. Jayne was awake in an instant, his strong arms holding her shaking form as she trembled from the memory of the nightmare, from the feelings and fear it had evoked. With giant tears she laid her head against his shoulder, taking comfort in his embrace. She hadn’t had that nightmare since right before the miscarriage and River could only assume that the fact that it surfaced now meant that whatever Simon was studying, whatever he was or would find hidden in her blood would point its way back to the Academy and those sadists who had taken her life – and now her baby’s life away.

As she managed to quiet herself, she let Jayne lay her back down on the bed. She curled up into him, as tight as she could, fighting the shivers that coursed through her at the sight of those faceless men. Jayne pulled her tighter, bringing another blanket up and over them both and kissed her forehead. “You okay?” he asked her sleepily, his heart rate just slowing back to normal after having been awakened in such a frantic state.

She nodded once, unable to trust her voice. She blinked back a few tears, waiting for his breathing to slow. When she finally knew he was again asleep, she let her tears come, crying silently against his chest. Simon had to find out the truth – she had to know. It wouldn’t bring her daughter back or take her pain away, but she had to know.

***

Simon was back in the clinic early, having gotten little sleep. With Rylee’s nightmare and her unwillingness to go back to bed, he and Kaylee had finally relented and let her sleep with them. Which meant of course that he had been kicked, elbowed and prodded repeatedly through the night as she’d thrashed about. Of course, she hadn’t awoken again screaming, so he really didn’t care.

Now, he was hunched over his data, studying the screens and results intently. He looked up at the sound of the door opening and smiled at his wife as she approached him with a steaming cup of coffee, her own mug in her other hand.

“I thought maybe you could use this,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek as she sat next to him.

“Definitely,” he replied, taking the mug from her and sipping the hot liquid gingerly. “Of course,” he said, turning one of his famous grins on her. Sliding closer to her, he brought his mouth to within inches of hers, and whispered, “I could also use some of this,” before pressing his lips to hers, eliciting a small whimper of excitement from his wife.

When they parted, Kaylee regarded him through veiled eyes and pouted. “Ain’t fair. I know you ain’t gonna make good.”

Placing his mug of coffee on the counter and then taking Kaylee’s from her hand, he swung his stool around to face her, and pulled her next to him, fitting her seated form snugly between his legs. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” he whispered. And then he kissed her again, deeper, longer, harder than before. Kaylee responded instantly. Despite her fatigue, she’d missed her husband in these past few weeks as all of their lives had spun spectacularly out of control. Everything had been thrown in a tizzy and even their sex life had had to suffer. Their sex life had never suffered before.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Kaylee moved her mouth over to his cheek and then onto his ear, whispering, “I swear Simon Tam by all the stars in the ‘verse, if you get me all riled up again and –"

Her statement was cut off, as Simon pulled her even closer, pressing their bodies together and letting her feel his hardening length. She gasped slightly as he worked his hands up and into her hair, kissing her passionately. “There’s no need to be swearing,” he chided her, smiling slightly as she again moaned into his mouth.

Wrapping a strong arm around her waist, he lifted her up, wrapping her legs around him, so he could carry her back to one of the appointed guest rooms; there was no reason for them to stay out in the open where the chances of them getting caught or hurt were greater.

Kaylee continued to kiss him to within an inch of his life, as he carried her, her mouth working down his neck to suck on the flesh of his shoulder. Shuddering slightly, Simon kicked open one of the doors, glancing quickly to make sure the room was empty. Closing the door, he spun around and pressed Kaylee up against it, her hips and his arousal grinding together in a way that made both of them moan loudly.

Gently bringing her legs down from where they were wrapped around him, Simon set her on her feet, never breaking the contact of his mouth fastened to her neck. Kaylee began to work fervently at the buttons of his shirt, moving her hands over the bare skin she exposed and licking her lips in anticipation as Simon shuddered a bit at her touch. Using every bit of self-control she had ever had, Kaylee slipped away from his grasp, walking with a saucy swing of her hips over to the room’s bed. Turning back to him with a coy look, she placed her hands to the hem of her shirt and lifted it up and over her head in one motion, exposing her bare chest to him. When she again met his desire-filled gaze, Kaylee felt herself melt at the thought of him, even as he moved to kick off his shoes and pants.

Undressing in record time, he basically lunged across the room to her, capturing her around the waist and pulling her on top of him and to the bed, even as she continued to work herself out of her pants. He helped of course, his hand sliding down her hips and between her thighs, causing her to whimper with pleasure, as he ghosted his light fingers over her already-aching core. Smiling at her obvious enjoyment, Simon continued to caress the skin of her inner thighs with one hand, while his other hand worked its way up her stomach and to one of her breasts, cupping the soft flesh and kneading it gently. Kaylee knew that she would soon be brought to her climax and she wasn’t quite ready for that. Opening her eyes, she met his lust-filled blue ones and grinned again, bringing her mouth down over his and then working long, languid kisses over his bare chest and stomach, stopping at the juncture of his hip and abdomen, causing his hips to thrust upward with need and disappointment at the sudden absence of her teasing tongue.

Grinning again, Kaylee moved her way back up his muscled chest, this time meeting the hand he still rubbed along her thighs and bringing her own to tease his already hard length. Squeezing his eyes shut as she alternated between gentle and urgent touches, Simon knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. Wrapping both of his arms around her from behind, he pulled her tight to him, feeling her warmth as they joined, both of them moaning in pleasure at the contact. Moving with a practiced ease, but one that still brought each of them undeniable joy, they made love many times in the early morning hours, forgetting all about the steaming mugs of coffee and everything else, but each other.

*** Hours later, Simon was again back in the clinic. He and Kaylee had not wanted to get out of bed, but begrudgingly they had agreed to get up, especially after the first sound of their son’s voice walking the halls of Millie’s clinic looking for them both. Smiling sheepishly at one another, Simon had again kissed his wife long and hard, before promising never to neglect her like that again. Once she’d made him promise with five more passionate kisses, she’d let him go, watching lustily as he’d re-dressed and left the room.

Twenty minutes later she had emerged, running a light hand against his back and kissing his cheek, before taking their coffee cups and heading back to her parents’ house. Simon watched her leave, sighing contentedly, and then turned back to his work.

He had been analyzing River’s blood for a little over a day and so far he hadn’t found much of anything that would indicate foul play. He’d taken a sample of his own blood as well, so he could more fully analyze her DNA, looking for the similarities and differences between them. It was when he’d run a sample through one of the more sensitive machines that something anomalous finally came back.

His medical curiosity getting the better of him, Simon worked the lead well through lunch and into the early afternoon, not even stopping as his stomach growled at the lack of food. With growing unease, he realized that River might be right, that this might actually be something.

He was completely startled when he felt a light hand come to rest on his shoulder. Expecting it to be Kaylee, his eyes widened even further when he met his sister’s quizzical gaze. Rising to help her take a seat, Simon questioned, “Mei mei, what are you doing up?”

Sitting on a stool beside him, she smiled at him and said, “I’m fine, Simon. Almost all better.” Looking around at his instruments and charts, she asked hurriedly, “Did you find something?”

Guessing that his increased anxiety had been part of the reason that she’d ventured from her room, Simon told her, “Yes, although I’m not sure what. The traces of it are very faint, but it’s there and it’s not organic.”

Holding his gaze, he watched as her features hardened and she asked, “Did it cause the miscarriage?”

Sighing heavily, Simon turned back to his charts and said, “I don’t know, River. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to make that connection.”

Sudden tears sprung to her eyes, and Simon reached out a hand to her, placing it against her shoulder. “I’m doing all I can, mei mei.”

She nodded to him once, wiping at her eyes and then standing slowly. “I know, Simon,” she whispered, moving with a halting step to leave the room, her shoulders slumped forward in a gesture of defeat.

With a heavy sigh, Simon turned back to his work, feeling his own frustration welling in his chest. It just wasn’t fair. He could not put two and two together without more data, but unfortunately the data he needed was more than likely locked in an Alliance vault somewhere, surrounded by guard dogs and assassins to keep anyone from ever finding out the truth.

Slamming a closed fist onto the table top, he felt his frustration give way to anger. There had to be a way, some way for him to get the information he needed so he could help his sister. He hadn’t been able to save her child, but he knew there was something more he could do to put her mind at ease.

His mind worked fervently, trying to think of way to get at that information. He thought about trying to hack into the system, to find ways into the government’s sealed files, but he knew that without an expert hacker, which Serenity did not have access to, he’d have no chance of breaking in past those firewalls. Even Kaylee, for as good as she was with machines, would not be able to break those encryption codes or keep the Alliance from tracing the breach. He thought of again posing as an Alliance doctor and walking into a facility to retrieve the records, but with limited funds, he would be unable to secure the ident or the retinal scans he’d need to get anywhere in the core without being detected.

If he knew someone in the core whom he trusted to … Realization dawned instantly, although dread was quick to follow. He couldn’t do it; he could not risk his life or his sister’s or his family’s by reaching back out to his mother. Although they had parted on fairly good terms, Simon had made no effort to contact her in the past four years. Sighing, he rubbed his hands at his temples, trying to stifle the instant headache that had formed there at the thought. But still, if she was the only person who not only had access to some of River’s medical records, but could more than likely get the rest with little trouble, didn’t he owe it to his sister to ask?

“She’ll do it.”

Simon turned at the sound of the voice, again meeting his sister’s brown-eyed gaze. Walking to her, Simon placed a strong arm around her waist and guided her back to her room. Once he’d resettled her in bed, he asked quietly, “Who’ll do what?”

Meeting his eyes with her best you-are-such-a-boob look, she told him, “Mother. She’ll do it, she’ll help.”

Shaking his head, Simon told her, “Mei mei, please understand why I can’t contact her. We still don’t fully understand what part she played in my presumed death. I can’t put Kaylee or you or the kids through that.”

Placing her hand over his, River told him, “She won’t hurt you, not again. She won’t hurt me.” Moving her hand up to his cheek, she said, “She just wants to help.”

Simon wasn’t completely convinced that River was thinking clearly on this matter or that she could fully understand what she was asking. Taking her hand from his face, he kissed it lightly and said, “I’ll think on it, okay?”

She nodded once, suddenly feeling very tired. Simon watched as her eyes closed and she sank back into the pillows, falling asleep within minutes. He sat and watched her for a bit, marveling at how much his daughter and her aunt looked alike and marveling at the fact that he had never really seen the similarity before.

***

Kaylee was wrapped in Simon’s arms, grinning from ear to ear after having been so well sexed by her husband for about the sixth time in one day. After supper and once they’d again put the kids to bed, Simon and Kaylee had found it impossible to keep their hands off each other, and so they had again given in to their passions. Now, Kaylee was lying content against Simon’s sweaty chest.

He pulled her tighter, kissing the top of her head, his own smile playing across his face. He had the best wife in the ‘verse, not that he’d ever doubted otherwise. Thinking that now would be as good a time as any to break what would be hard news, he said quietly, “Kaylee, bao bei, you still awake?”

Raising sultry eyes to him, she met his gaze and asked, “Why? You wanna go again?”

Simon chuckled at her insatiability and could not help but press a kiss to her lips. “Not right now,” he murmured, feeling well and truly spent. Sighing a bit, Kaylee brought her hand up to his chest and rested her chin upon it so she could look at his handsome face.

“Well, then, I guess I’m awake,” she said with mock annoyance, rolling her eyes a bit and getting a tickle to the side for her efforts.

Simon laughed with her a minute more and then swallowed hard, knowing that this next news would be difficult for her and could very well keep him from making love to her again for quite some time. “I need to talk with you about something.” He ran his hand down through her hair and along her bare back, getting a sigh of pleasure from her at the touch.

“Sure,” she whispered distractedly, delighting in the feel of his warm hand caressing her.

“I found something today,” he began slowly, watching as her eyes again fluttered open to regard him. “While I was studying River’s blood.”

Her eyes clouding with concern, she asked, “What kinda somethin’? Like a bad somethin’?”

Shaking his head, Simon answered, “Honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t really have all the information I need to make a proper diagnosis. But it’s definitely something that shouldn’t be there and it’s not natural.”

Moving her hand from his chest, Kaylee leaned her head against it as she propped herself up on one elbow. “Is it dangerous?”

Shrugging, Simon said quietly, “I don’t think so, but I really can’t make any more determinations until I can find out more about its origins.”

Kaylee studied him for a minute and then asked innocently, “Well, how ya gonna do that?”

Grimacing slightly, Simon said slowly, “Well, the information I need, it’s Alliance.” He watched guiltily as her eyes widened at the thought and he reached out to touch her cheek, trying to reassure her. “But it’s heavily classified information, so the chance of me or any of us getting anywhere near it is pretty slim.”

Kaylee released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding, glad to know that Simon wasn’t planning some suicide mission to go after information he couldn’t possibly obtain. Watching her relax just a bit, made Simon feel even worse as he said, “But I think there is someone who could help.”

Kaylee held his gaze, her mind working furiously to figure out just who exactly Simon thought would have free access to such highly guarded information. Sitting up suddenly as realization came, Kaylee pulled the sheet up to her chest, clutching at the material fearfully. “No,” she told him, her voice hard, her jaw set. “You can’t contact your ma. It ain’t safe.”

Sitting up with her, Simon took her face in his hands and said, “Bao bei, I think she might be the only person who can help River, who can get us the answers we need.”

“Simon, the last time you was with your folks, I lost you,” she told him, her voice breaking quickly as her fear and despair rose to the surface. “I can’t go through that again. It ain’t safe for you to wave her.” Her eyes had gone wide, the deep green pools swirling with terror and Simon hated it.

Kissing her softly, he said, “Kaylee that will not happen again, I won’t let it.”

She shook her head fiercely, breaking his contact with her and scooting back from him on the bed, even as she shivered. “No, Simon. You can’t.”

Fighting back his own tears, Simon wanted to tell her that he wouldn’t, end of discussion. But this wasn’t just about him or her, it was about River and her need to figure out what had happened to her child. And it was about his need to fully understand everything that had once happened to his mei mei.

Simon’s hands fell to his lap and he watched as Kaylee visibly trembled at the thought of what he was proposing. Her tears had started to fall steadily and he again reached for, more than surprised when she wrapped the sheet around herself and stood up, backing away from him to the far side of the room.

Simon didn’t understand, Kaylee knew that; Simon didn’t understand that she lived with a small, tiny fear in her gut everyday that she would wake one morning and he would again be gone, lost to her as he had been all those years ago; lost to her and their beautiful children. He didn’t understand, because she had never told him, not after their first few months back together. She’d felt so silly dwelling on what was past when she had such a great life, a great future with him – the man of her dreams and the father of her children. She didn’t tell him that she still awoke sometimes in the middle of the night, crying silent tears brought on by an all too vivid dream. Or that some mornings when he’d wake before her and head out of their bunk, she would awaken, shaking with an uncontrollable fright when he wasn’t there.

As she was doing right now. Sinking to the floor underneath the window, Kaylee let her head fall into her hands. She knew it was unreasonable for her to fear one woman and Simon’s mother of all people. But that woman had once believed that keeping Kaylee and Simon apart was the right thing to do and she could not shake the feeling that his mother might suddenly swing back to that belief, ruining Kaylee’s life and shattering her heart in the process.

Concerned, Simon crawled across the bed, and knelt in front of her. Reaching out, he put a finger under her chin and lifted her face to meet his. “Please Simon,” she whispered, her voice rough with emotion. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t do this to us, to me.”

Placing both his hands on her cheeks, he whispered, “Kaylee, what are you afraid of?”

Swallowing thickly, she held his blue-eyed gaze for a moment and then finally said, “Do you think I forgot that year you was gone? Do you think I don’t have a flash of all that time we was apart at least once a day? Well, I do, Simon. I do. And the thought that it could happen ‘gain scares me to death.” She bit her lip, trying to keep her tears in and knowing it was a futile gesture. “And now, you wanna risk our life to contact your mother, a woman who was more than happy to play with your brain four years ago? How can you think that ain’t gonna scare me?”

Shaking his head sadly, Simon felt guilt, shame and anger well in his chest. How could he have been so blind, so stupid as to believe that what was past was past? It hadn’t been fair for him to just assume that Kaylee could or would so easily move past what had been a very difficult time in her life. Even though he wished that she could, he knew it was unfair to assume that she would.

“Kaylee, you know I would take that year back if I could,” he told her, his voice breaking slightly as he forced his own growing emotion down. “But I can’t.”

She nodded weakly, and felt shame for making him feel guilty for something he had not only already apologized for, but had no control over. “I know that, Simon, it’s just …” She wasn’t sure she could or would finish the thought. Kaylee was worried that if she said the words, that he would be angry or disappointed or hurt and she couldn’t take it if he distanced himself from her, not now. But deciding it would be better to get it off her chest, she said quietly, “It’s jus’, I don’t understand why you wanna go riskin’ all we got by contactin’ her?”

Reaching out, Simon pulled her to him in a tight embrace and felt her sob against his shoulder. He didn’t want to risk their life for anything. In fact, Simon knew he would die to protect what they had, all they had, from ever being threatened again. But once again his loyalty to his sister warred with his loyalty to his wife and children and it was killing him just a little bit each minute to know he would have to make a choice.

Standing, Simon wrapped an arm around Kaylee’s shoulders and another under her knees and lifted her up, cradling her against him as he brought her back to bed. Once they were again lying in each other’s arms, Simon held her as she cried some more, trying to keep his own guilt from consuming him. Lying on his side to face her, Simon reached out and kissed her gently, tasting the saltiness of her tears. Wiping the small trail of stains away with his thumb, he told her, “Kaylee, I don’t want to risk our life for anything. You and the kids are my whole world and I could not live without you.” He paused as her tears again welled in her eyes, and she buried her head against the top of his chest. Running his hand through her hair, he continued. “But, if my mother can help River, then I have to ask her to. She’s River’s mother too and she deserves the chance to help her daughter. Despite her previous actions.”

Kaylee nodded once against his chest. She could never, would never and had never asked Simon to choose between her and River. She couldn’t start now, it wouldn’t be fair and it would only serve to destroy a small part of the man she was so desperately in love with. “Just please, please be careful,” she begged, looking back into his blue eyes and placing a light hand against his cheek.

He nodded once and kissed her again, tenderly and then pulled her to his chest, holding her until he knew she was asleep. “I love you, Kaylee” he whispered in her ear just as she drifted off.

“Love you,” was her muffled reply. Simon got very little sleep that night as he held and stared at his beautiful wife, praying that the decision to help his sister would not place her or their children in danger.

***

Rylee was having that nightmare again, the one where her father was in terrible, terrible danger and she and her mother and brother were powerless to save him. She was reaching for him, trying to close her tiny hand around his wrist so that the faceless stranger who was dragging him away would not succeed. But Rylee was not strong enough and with a strangled cry, she finally awoke bolting upright in bed, her breathing heavy.

With big, fat tears welling in her eyes, she stood on shaky legs and padded towards her door. She knew, somehow, that her parents should not be interrupted, it was why she hadn’t called for her mother again, as she had the night before. Glancing both ways down the darkened hall before stepping out of her room, she crossed the small corridor to where she knew her brother would be sleeping.

She and Daniel had always been close, which was why she knew she’d be okay if he would let her stay with him. Over the past few days as her feelings of trepidation had grown, Rylee had been finding it more and more difficult to play with the other kids, her memories and emotions often getting the best of her. So, when she’d stop suddenly in the middle of a game, confused and disoriented, Daniel was always there, guiding her off to the side and sitting with her, his hand over hers until she felt better. He was a good big brother and she knew she was lucky to have him.

His door creaked slightly as she pushed it open, causing him to turn over and blink sleep-filled eyes in her direction. “Ry?” His voice was filled with exhaustion, but as she approached him and he took in her tears, he sat up fully shaking his head to clear it.

Climbing up next to him on the bed, Daniel watched as his sister cried, uncertain what to do. She didn’t normally come to him, but would instead run to their mother, only managing to calm down once she was again safe in their mom’s embrace. Of course, he had heard her screaming the night before and he guessed now, that she was again troubled by some dream that made sleep impossible for her.

Placing a hand to her shoulder, he watched with anticipation as she lifted her big brown eyes to lock on his blue ones. “Rylee, what s’matter?”

Shaking her head quickly, Rylee wiped her tears on the sleeve of her pajamas and asked in a broken voice, “Can I stay in here with you? I had a bad dream.”

Daniel frowned at her, not totally convinced he was the person who could help his sister. Motioning towards the door, he asked, “Don’t you want me to get mom?”

Shaking her head even more fiercely then before, Rylee wrapped a strong hand around his and said, “No. They need time together.”

Realizing this was an argument he would not win, Daniel sighed heavily and then scooted over, leaving plenty of room for his sister’s little form to curl up next to him. As he laid facing her, watching as her frightened eyes finally fell closed with sleep, he reached out a hand and rubbed her back, waiting until she was out before going back to sleep himself.

***

Comments are fun and shiny!