A/N: Many thanks to Leiasky for the great beta-ing, even as I just kept sending her page after page after page after page after ... well, you get the idea!

Please keep reading and responding - that way I know you're interested and I'll keep posting!

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A NEW BEGINNING, ch. 14: Helpless

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It was a long night, followed by a long day, followed by another long night. Simon did not leave Elijah’s side for more than a few minutes at a time. Normally, it was to pull Millie or one of the other adults into the hall to let them know of the boy’s condition. More often than not it was so he could go back out to get more medicine that he knew would do nothing to save the child, but perhaps ease his pain.

If Simon was a permanent fixture in the room, then so was Cadie. She had refused to leave Elijah as his condition had worsened, and she was still with him now, more than twenty hours after his health had gone from bad to pathetic.

With a sigh, Simon leaned his head back in his chair. He had finally convinced Millie to get some rest, only getting her as far as the room next door, but still … Now, as night again descended around them, Simon went about to check his patient’s vitals with the knowledge that for the second time in two months, he was going to have to watch a child die.

Cadie watched him as he moved about the room, her blurry eyes making out his form as he took Elijah’s temperature, checked his pulse, listened to his heart with those steady hands that she knew had once worked his trade with more assuredness than anything else.

While her pain over Elijah’s impending death had been stifling, Simon’s pain over these past few days had been suffocating. Cadie had managed to live through it, focusing as much of her energies on Elijah and his thoughts, his needs, shutting out everyone else’s, but she knew that she was dangerously close to overload. As Simon’s body and mind continued to fatigue, hers would continue to as well, causing a break between her conscious self and her abilities and she feared the devastating result. But she couldn’t leave her brother. He needed her.

It was then that the door pushed open just a bit and Kaylee entered the room. Cadie and Simon inhaled sharply at the sight of her, both of them knowing exactly what it meant. Ignoring her husband for the moment, Kaylee rounded the bed and came to sit by Cadie, pressing a kiss to the girl’s temple as she sat next to Elijah and took his frail, pale hand in one of her own.

She had not been by to see him yet, knowing that Simon would be on a constant vigil at his side. Kaylee had feared that if she did go and see the sick boy, she would also see Simon, see his pain and his anguish and be powerless to stay away from him for a moment longer. But it didn’t matter now, she knew that Elijah was dying and the boy was dear to her, as dear as all the others and he didn’t deserve her neglect.

Kaylee wiped a few tears away, and then turned to Cadie whose eyes were also brimming. Wrapping her free arm around the girl’s shoulders, Kaylee pulled her to her side and started to rock her a bit, humming as she did with Rylee. And that was all Simon could take.

Before he broke down completely, he hurried from the room, almost tripping over his son on his way out.

Blinking back his tears, Simon asked concernedly, “Daniel, what are you doing here?”

The boy shrugged a bit and then turned his bright blue eyes back to the closed door behind his father. “I dunno. Mom said she was coming and I thought maybe I should sit with him too.”

A lump rising in his throat, Simon leaned down and picked up his son, walking with him back out into the clinic and sitting on a couch in the corner of the room. “You don’t have to, you know,” he told him gently, noting how his son sniffled a bit, even as Simon ran a hand through his dark hair.

He shrugged again, but would not meet his father’s gaze. “I know.” The two of them said nothing for several moments and then finally Daniel raised his eyes to his father and Simon saw the tears there. His own eyes welling at the distress his son was in, he waited in anticipation as Daniel asked, “How come you can’t save him?”

Simon’s breath caught in his throat. How could he explain this to his son? And why did he have to? Not only was this the second time in as many months that Simon had felt completely useless as a doctor, it was also the second time he’d had to explain death to his son and he knew his daughter’s angelic face would be next.

Pulling Daniel to his chest, Simon hugged him fiercely and whispered, “I just can’t.”

Simon felt Daniel’s arms snake around his neck, one of his little hands patting him softly on the back. “It’s okay, dad,” he whispered. “I love you.”

Simon bit his lip to stifle a sob, and finally pulled back, wiping at his stinging eyes hurriedly as he said, “I love you too, Daniel. You know that right?”

Daniel nodded, his blue eyes wide and then he asked Simon another question that the parent was not prepared for. “Do you and mama still love each other?”

And thankfully, he didn’t have to answer. “Of course, we do, baby.”

Kaylee’s quiet voice interrupted the two and both of her men turned their bright blue eyes to her. Kaylee stifled her own sob, seeing the same pain, the same hurt, just at varying degrees, reflected in their gazes. Kneeling down at the arm of the couch, Kaylee reached out and ran a hand through Daniel’s hair, keeping her gaze locked on his face, even as Simon’s eyes stayed riveted to hers.

“Your daddy an’ I love each other very much. We’re just havin’ a rough patch is all.” Somehow, Kaylee wasn’t sure how, her voice stayed steady. She watched as Daniel’s eyes drifted from her to Simon and back again, and she swallowed her rising emotion down hard.

A gleam lighting his eyes and taking away some of his sadness Daniel bounced a bit on Simon’s lap and said, “Then kiss him!” Completely used to his parents’ normal displays of affection, Daniel was not a typical four-year-old embarrassed by something like a kiss.

Smiling slightly at her son’s enjoyment, Kaylee instantly felt her cheeks flush as she darted her eyes over to her husband’s face. She knew she couldn’t, that if she did, if she felt Simon’s mouth on hers, if he reached out to cup her face as he always did, she would melt and it would be over. He would think all was forgiven and Kaylee could not do that. The little boy sitting in Simon’s lap and her little girl back asleep at her parents’ house were too important to her.

Taking the option away from him, Kaylee leaned in quickly and pecked Simon on the cheek, rising almost instantly and holding out her hand to Daniel. “Come on, lil’ one. It’s time for bed.”

As Daniel turned a disappointed expression to his father, and kissed him good night, Simon stared at his wife, noting how she refused to meet his gaze, again. Feeling more hurt and loss than he’d ever thought possible, Simon was about to say something he knew he’d regret, when he saw Kaylee stagger a bit on her feet, even as Daniel jumped down off his lap and grabbed her outstretched hand.

His doctor instincts kicking in, Simon was up and by her side in a second, trying to steady her even as she pushed him away. “I’m fine, Simon,” she told him bitterly. “Jus’ tired is all.”

And with that, she left him behind, knowing the pained gaze he was casting in her direction, but unable to face him. As she and Daniel made their way back home, Kaylee was thankful for the dim light. That way her son could not see the tears that spilled silently down her cheeks. That way he would not ask why she was so upset and she would not have to tell him it was because their family, the one his father seemed willing to forfeit for his sister, was going to get bigger.

***

River awoke in the middle of the night, Jayne’s snoring form next to her. Reeling from a pain so deep it felt like a knife slicing through her, River took a deep breath and tried to find its source. With a sudden realization, she bolted out of bed, pulling on a robe as she hurried down the hall to Elijah’s room.

When she pushed open the door, she saw Cadie there, lying next to the boy as always and she watched with a pained expression as the little girl was rocking herself back and forth murmuring incoherently. Not having time to wonder where Simon was, River rushed to the bed, and scooped Cadie up in her arms, even as the girl tried to fight her.

“No!” She wailed loudly and River tried to shush her, to calm her, by rocking her a bit. “No, Elijah! He needs me!”

“Come on, little one,” River murmured in response, holding her tight to her chest and taking her out of the room. “You need some rest.”

Cadie squirmed some more, but her body tired and strained could not keep up the fight and by the time River had taken her out of the room and shut the door, she was almost asleep. With tears running silently down her face, she murmured, “He’s gonna die and I can’t help him.”

“I know, baby,” River whispered, fighting her own tears as she brought her back to the room she shared with Jayne. Sitting in the rocking chair in the far corner, River held the girl tight to her as she started to slip into a dreamless sleep, working overtime to keep the frightful and scary emotions of those around Cadie at bay.

River could feel the little one’s mind struggling to stay whole. So wrapped up in her own hurt, she had missed Cadie’s slow descent into madness and River was certain that it was only because of her close proximity to her tonight that she had been able to pinpoint where that pain that had awoken her was coming from. Rocking back and forth and singing softly, River rested her cheek on top of the girl’s head staring out the window at the full moon above.

She knew what it was like to have your mind severed from your reality. River knew the devastation of that as clearly as anyone and it pained her to know that Cadie had been so close to suffering it at such a young age. But River had been neglecting her, she had been forgoing her duties as the young girl’s mentor, deciding instead to selfishly wrap herself up in her own pain and her brother’s, which, as evidenced by the amount of hurt swelling around them, didn’t do anyone any good.

Lost in thought, River didn’t know Jayne was awake, until he was by her side, kneeling down and resting a light hand to her shoulder. His warm touch permeated the thin cloth of her robe and she turned her head to him, smiling at him. Glancing between her and Cadie, an unspoken question rose to his lips and River shrugged simply, whispering, “She needed me.”

Jayne smiled slightly at that admission and reaching out placed a gentle, soft kiss to her mouth. River returned the kiss and then let him take the girl from her arms. He took her back to the bed, where River and Jayne laid down with Cadie between them. Propping her head up on her arms, River rubbed the girl’s back long into the night, only sleeping when she knew that Cadie was again safe and whole.

***

Across the yards and in the Frye’s home, Rylee awoke from a violent dream. With sweat pouring down her face and tears in her eyes, she cried out loud and long for her mother, only quieting once Kaylee had entered the room and wrapped her arms around the girl’s trembling form.

Rocking her back and forth, Kaylee smoothed her hair and whispered reassurances to her, even as Rylee continued to whimper. She didn’t know why, but she kept having that dream about some faceless people trying to take her daddy and now her mommy away. She didn’t like them, and she buried her face into her mother’s chest, trying to scrub the visions from her mind.

“You wanna tell me about it, baby?” Kaylee asked, resting her cheek on top of Rylee’s dark hair.

Rylee shook her head fiercely, not at all wanting to repeat the images she’d seen or the feelings they’d evoked. Concern still welling in her chest for her little girl’s fright, Kaylee told her, “You’ll feel better, if’n you talk about it.”

Shaking her head again, Rylee pulled back and said, “No, I won’t. Ain’t nothin’ gonna make me feel better till Aunt River can help me.”

The words stung at Kaylee in a way she had never expected. Blinking away sudden tears, Kaylee pushed some of her daughter’s hair behind her ear as she tried to ask casually, “What d’ya mean?”

Frowning at her, Rylee couldn’t understand why her mother seemed so confused or upset that she wanted aunt River’s help. Who else could she learn how to be a reader from?

“Well, aunt River, she knows all these t’niques or somethin’,” Rylee said, tripping over the words that were much too sophisticated for her vocabulary.

More fear and anger rising in her than concern, Kaylee questioned, “Techniques for what?”

Now truly confused, Rylee locked her big brown eyes on her mother’s wide green ones and asked, “Mama, didn’t daddy tell you I was a reader like aunt River?”

***

Kaylee was angry, there was no other word for what she was feeling. Rage sounded good, but somehow lacked the immediacy of her emotions at the moment - angry fit the bill perfectly.

After sitting with her daughter for a bit more, she had left her with her mother, telling them both she would be back. Now, in the middle of the night and in her pajamas and boots no less, she was storming her way across the yards towards Millie’s clinic where she could still see a light on inside. Good, he better be awake.

Shoving open the door, Simon turned quickly at the sound, his tired eyes perking up a bit at the sight of his wife and then saddening quickly as he noticed the way her chest was heaving, her lips pursed together, her eyes squinted to slits. All the signs of anger she normally displayed which he had not forgotten.

Closing the door with barely a slam, although she wanted to rip it from its hinges, she crossed the distance between them and got into his face. "Simon Tam," she bit out, trying to ignore the feel of him so close. "How dare you not tell me our daughter is a reader!"

His eyes widening, Simon sighed heavily and then relaxed a bit. Seeing Kaylee's still fuming stance however, he decided some distance between them was probably the best for everyone. Rising off his stool, he paced away from her a bit and then turned around and said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Kaylee's voice rose in volume even as Simon tried to quiet her. But she could not help it. He thought 'sorry' was going to make this all right? "Sorry?" she repeated again, advancing on him. "Somehow, I don't think sorry is the best you can do."

Seething, she stared him down, not taking any joy in the fact that she won the contest. His shoulders slumping forward in defeat, Simon shuffled over to the couch on the far side of the room, where he had sat with their son no more than five hours before. Sitting down heavily, Simon leaned his head back, closing his eyes. With a tired sigh, he murmured, "Kaylee, can we not do this right now?"

"And when would you like to do it, Simon?" she asked, dropping her voice down to a low growl. "When would you like to discuss our daughter's future? Because I'd sure hate to inconvenience you."

At the sarcasm in her voice, Simon's head snapped up and he let his blue eyes meet her gaze, returning some of the anger he saw burning there. "You're the one who stopped talking to me, remember?" His voice was bitter and he didn't care. "You're the one who kicked me out of our bed. So how about we don't go around pointing fingers?"

Kaylee thought about his words for a moment and knew he had a point, although she didn't want to admit it. "Simon, we're talkin' 'bout our daughter here. She's only four and you knew something huge like this and couldn't find the time to tell me?" Even as she spoke the words, she felt a bit guilty. If it was full disclosure she wanted than she probably shouldn't be the one to cast the first lot.

Sighing again, Simon let his head fall back and murmured, "I know, Kaylee. But I just didn't know how to tell you. And honestly, there's been a lot going on."

“River’s been helping her?” It was a question, although Kaylee was fairly sure she knew the answer and while it should have bothered her, based on the current tension between her and her sister, she was relieved – relieved that Rylee had someone like River to help her. God knows she and Simon had been poor excuses for parents in the past four days.

Simon looked to her and nodded once, opening his mouth to say something and then shutting it again. Leaning his head back against the couch, he again closed his eyes and tried not to think about how badly he wanted to hold his wife. He knew there was no way it was going to happen – not now.

“She had ‘nother nighmare,” Kaylee admitted, her voice still quiet. As Simon snapped a concerned gaze on her, she told him quickly, “No, she’s okay. It’s just …” Trailing off, Kaylee sighed slightly and finally said, “It’s just a lot o’ things about our little girl are startin’ to make a lot more sense.” She smiled weakly at him and watched as he quickly looked away.

“I’m glad something is,” he muttered bitterly.

Swallowing down her remaining anger, Kaylee realized this wasn't the time to be having this discussion. Glancing around the room, she felt even worse as she remembered where she was and why Simon was here, spending every waking minute for the past day and a half at Elijah's bedside. She should have been more sensitive to what both Elijah and her husband were going through.

Walking over to him, Kaylee noted the weariness of his body and the tautness of his face. She had seen Simon like this only a handful of times before and each situation had been more dire than the last. She had known of course that Elijah was dying, but she had been so mad at Simon, she had forgotten how incredibly difficult it would be for him.

Sitting down gingerly on the couch beside him, but not touching him, she asked quietly, "It's bad, isn't it?"

"I can't save him." Simon said the words in a breathless whisper and Kaylee's heart immediately broke for him. "There's nothing I can do, and I just can't ..." He paused, fighting back his own despair, trying to hide the pain in his voice. "I just can't believe I've failed. Again."

Her eyes widening, Kaylee wished he would turn to face her so she could tell him it was all right. "Failed how? Who have you ever failed?"

Sighing again, Simon did not open his eyes to meet her gaze. He could tell by the tone in her voice that she was concerned, and he knew that if he took one look into her beautiful green eyes, he would melt, right there, on the spot, only to have her walk away from him again - and he couldn't take it.

But even knowing he shouldn’t, he did turn to regard her beautiful face, feeling his heart swell with such love for her, he thought it would burst. “I failed River and Jayne and their baby,” he admitted softly, again avoiding her gaze by studying his hands in his lap. “And I’m going to fail Millie and Elijah and Cadie.” Tears finally welled in his eyes and he pressed his thumb and forefinger against the lids, in an effort to stop them from falling.

Blinking back her own tears, Kaylee reached out and clutched his hand, holding it tightly. He lifted his gaze to meet hers and the sadness she saw there caused her tears to spill. Reaching out, Simon touched a tentative hand to her cheek and whispered, “And if I’ve ever made you doubt how important you are to me, then I have failed you completely.”

Stifling the sob that rose to her lips, Kaylee didn’t know what to say. He was trying so hard to hide his pain from her, but she knew him, better than he would ever have wanted to admit. Finally, he lifted his head from where it had again rested against the couch and he turned his fatigued, blue eyes to her, whispering painfully, "Kaylee, I can't do this now."

She nodded once, She wanted to help him, even though she knew there were so many reasons why she shouldn't, especially now. Even though she knew she had pushed him away, shut him out, Kaylee still loved him with everything she had and it pained her to see him hurt so badly.

Reaching out, Kaylee brushed a light kiss to his cheek and Simon had never been more grateful for her touch in his entire life. When she pulled away, she rested a hand to his face and whispered, "Doin’ everythin’ you can ain’t failin’, Simon.”

Simon nodded once, knowing she was right, but unwilling to forgive himself. "I know, I just - " He let the sentence die, gazing intently into her big eyes. Caressing her cheek lightly with his thumb and brushing away some more of her tears, he curled his fingers up and behind her ear and pulled her mouth to his. The kiss was deep and long, filled with both their desire for each other and their pent-up emotion at all that was left unsaid.

Having to part for air, Kaylee pushed back from him a bit, using all the self-control she could muster. She knew she should go, that if she stayed, things would progress and while she wanted them to, while she wanted him so badly it hurt, she couldn't give in to her passion, not yet, not until they had set a few things straight.

Simon seemed to sense her hesitation and saved her from having to say the words. Rising slowly, he said, “I have to check on Elijah.”

Kaylee nodded once, letting him hold her hand in his until he had to let go and then dropped her head into hands. Her thoughts spun and whirled with confusion, anger and sadness and it took her a few minutes to realize that Simon had been gone for a long while.

Rising, she wiped at her cheeks and headed back towards Elijah’s room, even as the sound of young scream pierced the air. Fear gripping her heart, she rushed the last few steps and stood in the doorway, gripping the wood for support.

Simon was before her, his body hunched over Elijah’s still form, checking vitals he knew were no longer there. Kaylee raced to him and tried to pull him into a tight hug, but he pulled away from her, causing an even bigger sob to rise to her lips.

Turning to her, he asked quietly, “Can you go wake Millie, please?”

Not wanting to leave him, but feeling completely useless, Kaylee bent down and pressed a light kiss to his cheek, before walking from the room to get her friend.

***

Asleep in between River and Jayne, Cadie awoke screaming in terror, while asleep at the Frye’s, Rylee awoke, her blood-curdling cry echoing through the night.

And then everyone was awake.

***

By the time Keller made it to Harvest, he was smelly, sweaty and in a foul mood. The public transport had been filled with the most unsavory people and with a disgusted sneer, Keller made his way out of the throng, looking for the closest hotel and shower he could find.

Emerging a few hours later, he felt like the two-faced liar he was, his shiny veneer once again firmly in place. As he walked the boarded sidewalks of this quaint little port town, he noted the stares he got from these backworld hillbillies. His fancy fits and his confident demeanor no doubt were throwing them off and Keller smiled smugly at the thought. It was about time he got some of the respect Simon had so readily snatched away from him.

The thought of Simon brought an even more violent sneer to his lip. Burying a growl that rose in his throat as he thought of the bloody end he would bring his friend’s life, Keller turned into the local bar and sidled up.

Slapping down a few credits on the wooden surface, he got the barkeep’s attention and went to work. “So, you see a lot of core folk ‘round here?”

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