Thanks again to Washie who was so helpful in beataing this one…Lindas still rasing hell hun. Also much thanks must be given to Eric Sardinas for the title, that man is god…if god had a peace of bronze pipe fixed to his fourth finger on his left hand and played slide really, really loud.

Final thanks to Joss for creating these characters, so I could have my way with them. Please done sue me, because I just came up with the story line, not the other stuff.

Bittersweet

Kaylee had sat with Inara on one of her fine couches for the better part of two hours, just holding the older woman. Inara had been worried, saddened, hurt and confused about their meeting with her old friend and the somewhat icy Monica. Inara had spent much of her time apologising to her lover, feeling guilty for not allowing her to show support for her in public, Inara had also explained why she hadn’t allowed Kaylee to do this.

"I’m so sorry Kaylee, I…it…it's awkward…perhaps part of the reason for why I worried when we first spoke our feelings to each other…" Inara looked away from Kaylee, who promptly cupped the companion's chin and gently turned her head toward her.

" 'Nara…shuu. I told you I would always be here for ya’, sure I was a little er…well down-some when it happened, but I know companions have their rules. I well…I just want ya’ to know I’ll always be here bao bai, whether were allowed to be us or not…" Kaylee smiled, a warm accepting smile that radiated nothing but love. Inara felt her anxiety at the prior run in with the other two companions recede a little, she slid forward on the couch and wrapped herself in Kaylee who waited with arms open.

"I feel I should have told you about these things much earlier…I’m sorry, I guess I hadn’t wanted this time with you marred by the confines of my profession…" Kaylee pulled Inara tighter to her, sighing. Time stood like air in a forgotten tomb.

"So…um the thing with Kyuss…" Kaylee felt like she had just put a needle in her arm, an unwitting volunteer to giving blood. She cringed, but much to Kaylee’s relief Inara squeezed her tighter.

"I’m not sure…it is probably to do with me leaving the companion house…this all started a while ago bao bai, before I came aboard Serenity. You see Monica has always… she’s always felt the need to compete when we were training, perhaps needlessly. At least that’s not how I felt about it at any rate." Inara sighed.

"Kyuss and I were very good friends once upon a time, things did however get complicated as they so often do. Something I'd rather not talk about…"

"Its ok ‘Nara…I…don’t wanna force ya…" Kaylee trailed off as Inara looked up into her face. "You know a few months past you asked me if any of my clients had fallen madly in love with me?" "Yeah…" Kaylee held Inara’s gaze. "and you said you felt like you were slipping?"

"Yes…well that wasn’t something new bao bai…I think that’s perhaps why I left the Companion house…after all my years there, all my years of perfecting what I did. Be it body mind and spirit, how to play the samisen, the flute, how to act properly…everything…" good. Inara went silent for a heart beat. "I think I left because I didn’t know what I wanted, I was so highly regarded…but deep down I guess I knew there was something I was missing…" Inara looked away, but pressed into Kaylee’s shoulder. The younger woman started to stroke her lover's head, hoping it would soothe her. This obviously wasn’t easy for Inara…all she had known for so many years she had started to doubt, she clearly hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself even after this near two years she had been away from the guild house.

"I guess I only truly realized this now… I wanted to see what the world outside of the crystal palace was like…so to speak…I had no grand aspirations; I guess I left to find myself. I realized that in doing so I would probably have to relent on aspirations of being the successor of the current head, but that didn’t worry me…I knew it was more important to find myself, to understand why I was doing what I was doing and what I wanted in life…" Inara sighed audibly again. Kaylee felt both comfortable with her lover here in her arms and not. Here she was, Inara Serra, possibly one of the most highly regarded companions from her house explaining exactly why she threw away her chance at becoming the head of the training house. Kaylee pulled Inara tighter into her body, the warmth comforting her and she hoped Inara too.

"I couldn’t say we were lovers bao bai…as much as I wanted to." Inara looked up again into Kaylee’s eye’s, her dark pools probing the depths of Kaylee’s soul. "It’s complicated… as I once said, to do with Guild Companions having lovers… there are rules and regulations. The final decision as is always up to the guild…I know it sounds harsh… I couldn’t mention anything…Monica would have loved that…" Inara took a deep breath. "And not in the sense of being happy for me… Ye soo…it sounds so paranoid, but its true."

Kaylee felt a little dumb struck, she didn’t know what to do or say, or how to console her lover. She looked across the exquisite shuttle interior, still stroking Inara’s head, hoping to keep her Inara from the pit of despair that she felt was descending on her.

" ‘Nara…" Kaylee uttered quietly. "Why don’t we do that then?"

"What bao bai?"

"That guild stuff…whatever, you gotta jump through hoops, then I'll jump with ya…I wanna be your woman ‘Nara…no lying."

"…Because I'm not sure I want to stay a companion much longer…" The words didn’t so much hang as land heavily in the room. Kaylee stopped, blinked, looked at Inara, whose lovely features seemed so tarnished by worry and concern.

"You..uh…"

"I have spent the last two years trying to find myself Kaylee…I haven’t truly found myself…but I have found enough to know I can no longer be a companion."

" ‘Nara… ya aint doing it on accounta’ me…I mean, I love you so much…but I can-" Inara rose slowly and silenced Kaylee by placing a finger on her lover's lips.

"I will need some time to work things out. It wouldn’t be right away bao bai, but it would be in the not too distant future. I know this is early but…I would like to be able to spend more quality time with you unhindered if you will." Kaylee smiled at her, warm features lighting up like the rays of sun from a small star.

"Oh ‘Nara, you know I'd never say no to you…I just worry about the little things…what we gonna do for a livin? An' aint we rushing things a bit

I mean…oh…’Nara this is all a bit sudden…"

Kaylee’s smile broke away to a frown, the mechanics practical mind working faster than her beloved Serenity’s engine turned. Inara was painfully aware of how early this was in their relationship, but something deep within her said it didn’t matter, that this relationship was important. The something inside was so deep that Inara knew if she wasn’t careful she wouldn’t have heard it, but of late she was sure she had learnt to listen when her soul whispered. Her soul whispered ‘you are meant to be with her, the guild be dammed.’

Inara’s eyes slid open gazing at Kaylee like the eyes in a panopticon. “That’s why it will take some time Kaylee…but it will work, I …" the darker woman looked away, her face a mix of happiness and anguish. "It must work Kaylee…this is as much for you as it is for me sweetie…I can't be a companion anymore, I know it in my heart of hearts." Kaylee reacted instantly, she virtually pounced on Inara, sliding her arms around the older woman and pulling her into a crushing embrace.

"I’ll always love ya’ ‘Nara…always." Kaylee whispered pressing her lips to Inara’s temple, cheek, mouth. Kaylee slid one hand up to Inara’s cheek, and caressed her smooth skin with a thumb. Kaylee knew that was the best response, the true response. She knew after all, come what may, she could never give up her Inara.

Inara smiled, leaned in, her hands pulling Kaylee into a deep kiss, her tongue slipping into her lover's mouth. Kaylee’s hands fell away from the sides of Inara’s face and came to rest on her golden coloured shoulders, visible at her neck line, her hands stroking the soft, sensuous skin. Their kiss became deeper, noisier. Kaylee moaned, Inara’s hand playing with the base of her neck. Slowly they both pulled away from the kiss, the need for air taking precedent.

"So…um’ you wanna take this somewhere else?" Inara grinned at Kaylee.

"Whats wrong with here bao bai?" Inara countered playfully.

"Oh…nothin’…sept if we go somewhere else we don’t have to clean up the mess." Kaylee grinned. Inara giggled.

"Mmmm…well we do have one more night to take our sweet time…" Inara smiled.

"Mmm… Ya’ know…this doesn’t have to be the last time…I mean, you're welcome to my bunk any time ‘Nara…"

"Oh…I know bao bai…" Inara looked away then said quietly. "where do you think I’m sleeping tomorrow night?" Kaylee’s eyes went wide. "As are you my sweet." Inara smiled, then gracefully slipped off the couch and walked sensuously to the pilot's seat to bring the two swiftly back to their retreat.

…

Inara awoke the next morning heavy of heart, though with arms full of a little softly breathing woman. She still felt the wonderful glow of Kaylee and her lovemaking from the night before, but reality crept in as it often did to weigh down her heart. It wasn’t so much that she wasn’t able to be intimate with Kaylee ever again, that was far from the case. Indeed she was fairly certain she and Kaylee would christen her bunk, as she put it, but it wasn’t quite the fairytale land that the last three days had been.

The companion sighed and consoled herself by snuggling into her warm sleeping Kaylee, stroking the other woman’s hair. She looked so beautiful sleeping, Inara sighed, ‘wuo de ma’ how she wanted to spend the rest of her days with this woman. Still some difficult decisions lay ahead, but Inara was sure the most difficult of all decisions had passed, especially now that she lay next to her love.

Kaylee stirred, eyes fluttering open like a bird taking flight. The mechanic rolled over a little, exposing her chest in between the heavy down duvet. Inara smiled, sliding into Kaylee’s arms.

"Mmmm…" Kaylee smiled. "I like the wake up call." She grinned as Inara kissed her cheek and subsided onto her chest.

"Wish it didn’t have to be one bao bai…" Inara snuggled into Kaylee.

"Shuu…there will be time enough. Besides we get to have a shower together now." Kaylee smiled, as she felt Inara hug her tighter, mumbling her consent.

The two took their shower in a leisurely fashion, enjoying the length of time they could spend under the hot water, sadly though Inara felt that their morning was marred by the impending schedule. Mal had sent a wave to Inara instructing her as to Serenity’s departure time.

It wasn’t an awkward time parse, but it brought with it the realisation that Alice was about to leave Wonderland and that she would, for the most part, have to return to a world of painted smiling faces. Still, she reminded herself, she did now have something to look forward to when she returned from her work, or when the day wrapped up and Kaylee could steal away.

Inara couldn’t help but feel she would slip into some kind of horribly hollow routine, till the time came when she could shed her mask and return to the real "her." She worried that it would be a case of flattening her emotions purely so she could get through the day, much like her long buried feelings for Kaylee had been locked away for far too long. Then again, the end result would be worth it in the long run, and besides, she realized, who's to say it would be that bad. Inara shook herself.

Kaylee strode up, drying herself with a towel and smiling.

"You ok bao bai?"

"Humm?...oh yes, lost in thought…breakfast?" Kaylee smiled at this, her hand touching Inara’s shoulder.

"Don’t fret less its necessary ‘Nara… Ok?"

"Mmmm…I shouldn’t…not till it happens, right."

"Right. Now the most important thing to fret about is what can we have for breakfast that isn’t going to remind us of freeze dried protein…" Inara laughed, Kaylee kissed her on the cheek, and with a casual tossing of towels onto the bathroom floor the two women dressed, packed and headed down for their last meal in private.