Hanging in the Balance

Author’s Notes:

This story takes place about two years after the movie but in this alternative timeline version, all of Serenity’s core crew survived the events of the BDM.

Please note that this fic alternates between two timelines: one in the past (and thus told in past tense) and one in the present (told in present tense).

***

I. One Year Ago -- On Serenity

It wasn’t the way that Zoe and Wash wanted to end their association with Malcolm Reynolds.

“I can’t stop you,” the captain said. “Guess I gotta accept that I’m losing the best first mate and best damn pilot ever.”

His words were complimentary but his face was brittle and angry. Wash tried to brighten the mood.

“That’s not true, Captain! River’s a better pilot than I can ever be. What with her ability to read the minds of the pilots of every other ship,” he enthused as he gestured. “She’ll be flying Serenity using just her brain before you know it –she won’t even need to touch the control panel.”

Zoe smiled, though her insides felt torn up and painful, and it wasn’t due just to the occasional nausea that still plagued her. “She’s a better fighter than me too, sir. I can’t single-handedly take down three dozen Reavers.”

Mal brushed their remarks aside and spoke with a stiff formality. “Well, you two are entitled to make your own decisions, questionable as they may be. If you ever change your minds, you and the little one are welcome back on Serenity anytime.”

Zoe and Wash looked at each other. Their leaving was a compromise, born out of numerous arguments, some of which were so intense that they questioned their entire plan. One time they did the unthinkable and questioned whether they should even stay together at all. Zoe didn’t want to leave Serenity. Wash still wasn’t completely sold on having a baby, but if he could compromise on that point then he definitely was not going to compromise on his belief that a starship was no place to raise a child.

“Thank you, sir,” Zoe managed.

The couple’s bags were packed and loaded onto the mule. Zoe hugged Mal and it was awkward due to her size then. Wash and Mal exchanged a hollow handshake.

“You’re making a gorram mistake!” Mal exclaimed once Zoe and Wash turned their backs, and the outburst ripped Serenity’s stale air. Even Mal was surprised.

Zoe’s eyes bulged. “Sir, we – “ she began.

Wash cut in. This had been brewing between the two of them for weeks and the lid finally bubbled off the top. “Look, Mal. I’m not raising my kid on a ship,” he said, firmly. “Especially not one that’s always in the thick of some trouble.”

“You ain’t gonna be any safer on Darendra,” Mal said, and his voice was low and cold. “Cut off from us.”

Zoe stepped in between the two of them, and both men instinctively backed down from sparring. She noticed that being seven months pregnant had given her the ability to have that effect on people. Pregnancy definitely did not help her on their jobs, though.

“Stop it, you two,” she said. “Let’s not leave it like this.”

But they did. No apologies were offered and no more goodbyes spoken. When the due date drew near, Kaylee waved the couple and said that Simon would love to deliver the baby but Serenity was deep in space, headed even deeper for a job, and they wouldn’t be anywhere near Darendra in time. Leon, named for Wash’s maternal grandfather, was delivered in a hospital on the planet.

***

II. Present Time – On Darendra

Darendra is the planet that most folks, especially those with an unconventional and anti-Alliance streak, aim to relocate to. Anyone who can afford it does so. It is far enough away from the core that the Alliance mostly leaves it alone. It is near enough, however, that supplies are usually sufficient and shortages rare. Some of the best teachers in the ‘verse, eager to do their jobs without Alliance control, settle here and teach in innovative classrooms – classrooms that tend to produce bright and inquisitive children. Although employment isn’t plentiful, there are some good jobs to be had on the planet. Darendra also harbors strong community groups and boasts low crime rates. Although the climate is typically hot and dry, the planet has enough water for swimming centers, and it has gardens, farmers’ markets, and other luxuries.

Zoe had been adamant that, if they were to leave Serenity, they would live here on Darendra. Wash had a few other places in mind but, just glad that they wouldn’t be raising their child on the ship or his polluted home world, he decided to compromise despite the expense of Darendra. And so, Zoe and Wash have made this planet their home.

A friend from Wash’s flight school – who is also raising his family here -- had some connections and managed to get Zoe and Wash to the top of a waiting list for an apartment. Recent successful heists have allowed the couple to put away enough money for the down payment on a one-bedroom flat on the ninth floor. The apartment is sparse. They don’t have much furniture beyond their bed, a dresser, a sofa, a table with two chairs, and Leon’s crib and other baby accoutrements. The kitchen is a walk-up and in serious need of additional counter space, and the bathroom cramped. Their neighbors are a loud couple who constantly scream at each other.

But the apartment also is clean and cozy, and provides enough space for Zoe, Wash, and their son. If they manage to save more and get lucky, they can move to a two-bedroom when Leon is older.

Wash has a job at the docks piloting a planet-side transport ship. It doesn’t ever leave atmo and is used to transport cargo throughout the colonies on the planet. His boss is a complete hundan and the hours are long (he was told 9-10 per day but it’s usually 11-13), but the work itself appeals to him more than anything else available on Darendra and the pay is quite respectable.

Zoe compromised more when it comes to employment; at least parts of Wash’s job appeal to him. Zoe works about twenty hours per week at a factory, and the job is mind-numbingly boring, an agony to get through. But the factory is keeping to their promise of giving her the hours that she wants, and the pay is not too bad. When she and Wash are both at work, they pay a tidy sum to an elderly woman, Cara, who babysits anywhere from 3-10 children at a time in her apartment. Cara is friendly and competent, and they trust her. This is fortunate. They don’t have much of a choice as the other daycare options available are out of their price range.

Gone is their freedom of accepting jobs as they come and then going on to something else. Wash tends to fly the same schedule and has to put up with the same churlish boss day after day. Zoe’s job is the definition of routine.

Leon is the beautiful baby that Zoe predicted she and Wash were capable of creating. He smiles and gurgles, and responds merrily to his father’s silliness. During Wash’s one day off per week, he and Zoe hold Leon in their bed and play with him.

Zoe reverently touches his smooth hands and feet, marveling that this amazing creature came from her body. She looks at his eyes, and they are so aware and, to her, sparkling. Wash has to keep his own toy dinosaurs safely away from Leon because the baby puts everything inside his mouth. Wash instead whips out the play rings that Inara gave them as a going away present. Leon’s interest constantly wanders and Wash soon locates the cloth book that Simon gave. He reads to Leon, saying each line with animation and occasionally singing the lines, as Leon drools and chews on the cloth pages. Zoe laughs, watching the two she loves. She knows that when Leon’s a little older, his playtime with his father is going to provide even more “wacky fun”.

Later on, they pack up the baby in his stroller and head for the park. It contains several actual trees and a fountain, and a refreshing cool breeze passes through today. The couple knows that they have lucked out with their surroundings. Other couples with children visit the park and sometimes they find themselves in conversation with them. One pair who they run into frequently have a daughter Leon’s age and Zoe actually finds herself looking forward to the fact that the two children will be in the same school.

After the park, they stop at the market and pick up food and other staples. Zoe has calculated that they have enough money for two real meals this week; the rest will all be standard nutrition bars and supplements. The lines are irritatingly long and Leon begins to wail. Zoe seems used to his cries but they still sting Wash. Zoe looks over each potential item of purchase and makes sure she selects the freshest vegetable.

The next day, Wash is back to work. It’s a rough day. He doesn’t get home until late and Zoe, exhausted from caring for the baby by herself for thirteen hours, is sleeping. Wash reaches for his dinner – the standard nutrition bar and crackers. For the first time in his life, he’s been beginning to notice that his posterior gets sore from sitting all day.

As he eats, he turns the news on and scrolls through it haphazardly. He doesn’t want to go to bed just yet but has to be up at 06:00 tomorrow for a series of early deliveries. If he’s even ten minutes late, his pay is docked. Wash rises from the table, rubbing the back of his neck. The fact that he has to get up so early means that he won’t get to see Leon awake tomorrow either.

Wash pads down the short hallway to the bedroom, passing by Leon’s crib stationed outside. He peers at the sleeping baby, wishing he could see him better in the darkness. But he doesn’t want to turn a light on and risk waking either Zoe or Leon. He gently touches Leon’s hand, a tiny balled up fist. Wash marvels at the size of this little person.

Before entering the bedroom, he pushes away the omnipresent financial worries. They have to move to a bigger place eventually – when Leon’s older, he can’t be sleeping in the hallway. Finances are Zoe’s area and the woman watches their spending on every item, down to each minute they spend with the light on and every second-hand sock that Leon outgrows.

At the side of the bed, Wash quickly slips off his flight suit and crawls under the covers, leaving his clothing in a heap on the floor. He’s exhausted and he promises that he will grab a minute to pick up after himself tomorrow. He doesn’t want to experience another sour look or comment from Zoe over sloppiness, which he admits has been a problem on his end lately.

Still asleep, Zoe instinctively reaches for Wash when she senses him reach the bed. She wraps her arms around him and he relaxes into the comfort of her touch.

He thinks back to the last time they made love, probably about a week ago now. It was pleasurable and intense, even -- almost back to the way it was before Leon. For quite a while after the baby was born, they couldn’t. It hurt Zoe too much and she wasn’t in the mood that often anyway, which was exactly as Wash had feared. Zoe distrusts doctors but forced herself to make an appointment, to see if something could be done for the pain. The doctor told Zoe that it was a simple matter of hormonal changes due to breastfeeding, prescribed a few things which Darendra blessedly had in stock and at a reasonable price, and the pain is now gone. Wash drifts off into sleep, thankful for good doctors and suppliers.

***

III. Six Years Ago – On Serenity

Wash slept soundly in his bunk. Delicious and hazy visions of the night before lapped themselves over and over again in his mind and his dreams. Zoe in his arms. Zoe smiling. Zoe kissing him. Zoe doing things with him that Wash had only dreamed of just a short while ago.

He slowly regained consciousness. He mused that it must be a good sign that no one had contacted him; the job on Pacquin must have been going well. That hopefully meant that Zoe was safe and sound as well. Mal and Zoe had departed early that morning, with orders for the rest of the crew to stay behind on the ship. The Captain had said this job would likely keep himself and Zoe occupied planetside for a few days.

Wash shifted position and suddenly felt something brush against his foot. He smiled. It must have been an article of clothing that either he or Zoe had shed so quickly and merrily last night. Wash extended his toes and touched them against the cloth again. He wondered what exact item of apparel it was. He then dimly remembered that he had actually shed most of his clothing before reaching the bed last night.

With a dose of excitement, Wash brought the item up to his hands. He couldn’t resist a joyous grin. It was a black bra. He ran the material against his face – it was surprisingly soft – and he sniffed it.

He had won over the woman who he had adoringly been courting for months. Wash had always been successful with women but Zoe was the first one who’d made his heartstrings jump. She made him dizzy with happiness. He wanted more than a fling from her and it looked like he was going to get what he wanted.

In fact, they had discussed that very topic last night.

“You lookin’ for someone to keep your bed warm or you lookin’ for somethin’ more long-term?” Zoe had asked. She’d been smiling as she asked it, in post-coital bliss.

Wash had decided that now was the time to be dead serious and nix the humor. Her question was honest and it deserved a non-frivolous answer. Besides, with the way he’d been courting her she probably already knew the answer. If he had just wanted to get laid, he could’ve found that elsewhere.

“Something more long-term,” he answered, not knowing that she picked right up on his sincerity and was pleased by it.

“I, uh….I could see myself really having some feelings for you,” he continued, and then felt his face blushing. “That sounded like something out of a wanquan yuchun romance novel, didn’t it?” He silently added to himself, `Way to impress a stoic warrior woman, huh?’

But Zoe reached her fingers up and caressed the side of his face. “It didn’t,” she answered. “Been feeling the same way myself actually.”

It had taken every once of willpower Wash possessed to keep from breaking out into a boyish grin. He settled for covering her lips with his own and conveying how he felt with a kiss.

***

Several days later, the crew found itself quite a bit less poor, having pulled off a successful heist. Zoe surprised Mal by asking if they could stay planetside for another night. Wash ignored the look of consternation on the captain’s face when he and Zoe headed off Serenity together.

Wash knew this little place in the port town. The inn wasn’t much, but its rooms were cozy, clean, and soundproofed well. The food served at the inn was tasty and at a bargain price. He and Zoe pooled their money and delightedly realized they had enough for one night at the inn and dinner.

“I wish we had enough for a room with a tub,” Wash said, at the inn’s dinner hall. He remembered that Zoe had said she loved taking a bath but it was a luxury she could rarely afford.

“You like ‘em too?” she asked. The dining room was not spacious but the aroma emanating from the kitchen was enticing. The temperature was pleasantly warm inside, which provided a comfort against the chill outdoors. A roaring fireplace heated the dinning room. The inn’s owners had hung a couple large, multi-colored rugs to brighten the walls and give the room a domestic feel. Most of them were in shades of browns, reds, and other earthy hues. One wall was comprised of large stones.

“They’re okay. But I remember you said once you liked them.” He smiled and added, “And I sure wouldn’t mind watching you take a bath.”

Zoe returned the playful look in his eyes. She thought that he meant he wanted to watch her bathe because of the erotic thrill it would give him. Although that was part of the explanation, the main reason Wash wanted it was because he loved to see her experiencing pleasure, loved to watch her doing something she enjoyed. Zoe would come to understand that later on.

Zoe wondered when their server would be back with the food. A home-cooked meal would be nice and something to savor for sure, but she really wanted to be done with dinner and alone with Wash in their room.

Aloneness wouldn’t be happening soon though. The dining hall of the inn consisted of one long, rectangular wooden table. Zoe and Wash had been enjoying some degree of privacy; a large party was sitting at the other end of the table, oblivious to the couple. Unfortunately, the inn’s doors had opened and newcomers were seated closer to Zoe and Wash.

“At least we got our own bathroom,” Zoe said. They had enough money for that amenity; they wouldn’t need to be using a toilet and shower down the hall. Though when they had checked into the room, they had seen that the tiny bathroom was no larger than a closet. The toilet was mere inches from the shower and one had to maneuver around it to reach the shower stall. The sink had dripped steadily.

The bed was nice and roomy though. Its sheets were soft and it was draped with a fluffy comforter. Zoe had seen the room and felt that Wash selected well.

“Am I drinking too much of this?” Wash asked, gesturing at the ale. They couldn’t afford two drinks so they agreed to share one. The ale they ordered wasn’t either Zoe or Wash’s favorite but both liked it well enough to compromise and agree on it.

“You’re doin’ fine. And if you wanna drink more ale and eat less dessert, that’s fine by me too,” Zoe said. In addition to the drink, they would have to share dessert as well. Zoe’s mouth watered thinking of the pie. When they’d been welcomed at the inn, they had been told that, yes, dessert would be available tonight. Zoe couldn’t remember the last time she’d had an extravagance such as berry pie.

Wash observed her say the words with another smile on her face and more twinkling in her eyes. Receiving these looks from Zoe was new for him and each time it was something to relish.

“Hmmm…” Wash began, “maybe we can work out some sort of a compromise plan then. Maybe an ale-for-pie exchange.”

“You’d take ale over pie?” Zoe asked, almost raising an eyebrow.

“I’d take seeing you happy over anything.”

Later, when their bellies were more full and remnants of sugar on their lips, they returned to their room. Zoe closed and locked the door, and pulled Wash into a sensuous kiss. Wash fervently returned it. His hands gently but insistently roamed her body, occasionally tugging at clothing.

Zoe broke off the kiss. “I’m showerin’ first. Still grimy from the job.”

Zoe wished she had something pretty to be wearing when she emerged from the bathroom. But most of her undergarments – except for the black bra she’d left in Wash’s room – had rips and holes in them. The idea of splurging on a negligee or lingerie was a luxury known only to companions and the wealthy. Zoe decided to emerge from the bathroom wrapped in the rough towel.

Wash wouldn’t have cared if she had emerged from the bathroom wearing her body armor. He had turned down the covers and removed every last stitch of his clothing.

“You brought candles,” Zoe observed. With the lights off, the candles provided a rich warmth to the room. Zoe looked at the soothing flames and smiled. “You remembered that I liked ‘em.”

“I aim to please,” Wash said, and couldn’t explain why his voice nearly trembled.

“I’d say you do at that.”

Zoe dropped the towel and moved towards his strong arms.

It was only their third time together. It was the best so far. The first two times had been full of the excitement of discovering new frontiers and finally reaching a long sought-after dream. But they also had their share of the awkwardness that accompanied making love with a new person. Wash had gently queried her on what she liked best, what foreplay brought her the most pleasure, where and how she liked to be touched, what positions she enjoyed the most. His instincts were good but he always found it best to just ask. By tonight, however, he was confident that he had it down.

Zoe was happy to let him take the lead, pilot the ship so to speak, in the bedroom. She would gladly follow an adept leader anytime and he was about as skillful as they came.

Hours later, both were awake and languid. Wash and Zoe were both tired and content, though not yet wanting to fall asleep. He traced patterns along her torso and Zoe just enjoyed the feel of his fingers against her sweaty skin. One of his hands enjoyed moving against the curve of her hip.

“I want to be a mother someday,” Zoe murmured. Upon hearing no response from Wash and perhaps even feeling him stiffen a bit, she added, “Not right now. But someday. What ‘bout you?”

“Me? Well, sex-change operations are really expensive so nope, don’t think I could be a mother someday. I’d look terrible in a dress anyway.”

“You goofball,” Zoe laughed. She added, “I’m serious.” Whenever Zoe said she was serious and used the right intonation, she was listened to.

“I haven’t thought about parenthood that much,” Wash admitted. “I’m still young. But someday, yeah sure.”

Years later, long after they were married, the two always remembered that night. There was the joy and abandonment of realizing you're falling in love, that you are now past the initial bullshit and awkwardness. That you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of having serious feelings for the other person, and all the risk and reward that go with it.

***

IV Present Time – On Darendra

Zoe picks up Leon from Cara, the babysitter. She trudges up the stairs towards the flat. Cara had too many other children to look after that day and Leon didn’t relax for his nap. Zoe’s day at work was long and tiresome, her brain is a bit numb with boredom, and she now has a crying, cranky nine-month-old to deal with as well. Wash won’t be home for hours either. However, Zoe knows full well that those facts aren’t the ones that are bothering her. She can handle Leon’s crying spells, her miserable job, and Wash’s working late.

Kaylee waved them two days ago. She said that Serenity has found a job involving a stop on Darendra, and they will be there within 48 hours -- but she didn’t think they would have any time to even stop in and visit. The job will necessitate them going in and getting out quickly. Kaylee sighed that she’d be stuck on the ship as Mal and Jayne took care of business.

Zoe doesn’t know if the part about Serenity needing to leave quickly was honest or a fabricated nicety to cover the fact that Mal doesn’t want to see them. She certainly isn’t about to plead. She knows that Wash, working in the port, will probably see their former home from a distance when it docks. When they discussed it over breakfast, both got lumps in their throats.

Hours later, Zoe receives another wave. Thinking it’s Wash telling her he’s going to be even more late, she nearly gasps when she sees Kaylee’s face.

“We’ve, uh, run into a bit of a problem. We need help! Now!”

Leon is back in the hands of the babysitter, his parents knowing they are going to have to write out some serious IOUs to Cara, especially since Wash’s pay will be cut for leaving his shift without notice. He might even lose his job.

Zoe is glad that she brought her favorite gun with her to Darendra. She and Wash use the element of surprise to free their former colleagues. Mal’s face reflects delighted relief, though not much surprise.

*** “So, uh…you two comin’ back?” Mal stammers.

“Ain’t two of us,” Zoe says. “There’s three now.” Leon is sound asleep in his stroller. While at Cara’s, he slumbered through the entire search and rescue mission and is now at rest again.

“Well, he’s always welcome too,” Mal says, and Zoe at first can hardly believe her ears. Then she thinks about it some more and it makes sense.

Kaylee chirps, “He is just so ke ai!” She sits on the floor by Leon’s stroller and is not going to let this baby out of her grasp under any circumstances.

The crew of Serenity is sitting around the dining room table. It looks so familiar to Wash, so much like home, even though it’s been a solid year since he sat on this chair. He touches his hand to the table’s firm bulk and eyes the glasses and dishes stacked up on the counter. He then glances at Inara. She left the crew, only to later return. Are they all stuck together like glue? Can any of them ever really leave Serenity?

“You even need us aboard this ship now?” Zoe asks. “You got River flyin’ it.”

“And I got her brother tellin’ me that she needs more breaks and she ain’t a gorram solider,” Mal states.

“That’s right,” Simon asserts. As powerful as River is, she’s still unstable and unpredictable. She couldn’t help Mal and Jayne on this last job.

Jayne pipes up, looking at Mal, “Wait, why do we need ‘em? Won’t we gotta split more of our cut again?”

Mal glares at Jayne. “Did you miss the part a couplea hours ago where we nearly got ourselves killed till Zoe and Wash showed up?” Mal is glad that he can use this as his ostensible reason.

“Oh. Right.”

Zoe and Wash look at each other. He speaks. “My wife and I would like to discuss this alone.”

Mal gestures towards the front hall. Wash leads the way to their old bunk, as Zoe follows pushing Leon’s stroller. Wash knows that the discussion might be long and may contain contentiousness. He also is pretty certain how it will turn out. He worries for Leon’s safety but he won’t miss his boss at the docks one bit. As long as he and Zoe are together they can muddle through whatever fate throws at them. They always have.

THE END

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