Author’s Notes

This fic takes place after the last episode of the show. Movie will not be happening. The story will contain five chapters and end at about 21,000 words.

The characters don’t belong to me; Joss is boss.

A huge thank you to my beta-testers: Ann, Rivendellrose, Warrior Zoe, and Noandwhere.

Chapter One

Kaylee followed Inara from the engine room to the companion’s shuttle, wondering why Inara wished to speak with her in private and what could account for the look on her friend’s face. Granted, Inara had never been sunshine and sparkles – that was Kaylee’s territory – but lately the companion had seemed sullen, and today even more so. As she walked, Kaylee wiped her hands on the outer thigh area of her jumpsuit. Inara’s shuttle was full of such rich beauty, gorgeousness that made one’s eyes hurt just trying to absorb it, that the mechanic wanted to ensure no engine grease sullied it.

“I think Simon’s startin’ to really notice me,” Kaylee whispered excitedly as they neared the shuttle. Her voice was low enough that she didn’t think anyone would overhear. Jayne and Book were lifting weights together but they were far enough away that Kaylee didn’t think she’d have to risk one of Jayne’s derisive remarks about Simon.

“He’s been so much sweeter lately,” Kaylee continued. “Didja see how happy he looked at the card game after lunch? He’s way more relaxed. And River too,” Kaylee added, as they entered the shuttle, an elegantly draped piece of fabric brushing against her side. Inara began to pour tea. “She looks better than ever.”

Inara listened to Kaylee’s joy and was miserable at the thought that she would not be around to see the romance blossom as it inevitably would. She would miss it, as she would miss whatever wonders, sorrows, and strange events happened to Kaylee in the weeks, months, and years to follow. Whatever happiness, disappointments, and fears Kaylee would experience, the two women would have to discuss only via a wave. Inara would be deprived of feeling Kaylee’s warmth, experiencing a spontaneous hug, and feeling Kaylee’s sincere energy in the room. The companion nearly gulped at the thought. `Will I forget how to be real, forget what raw honesty even is when I return to my world surrounded by companions and clients?’ she wondered.

‘Then again, perhaps that is exactly why I’m leaving,’ Inara said to herself.

“Simon says it’s the new meds she’s been on,” Kaylee continued. “I can understand her so much better lately and she seems so much less weirded out by things. I really feel like the Tams are part of our crew now; even the Cap’n sees it. We – “

Kaylee broke off her sentence. The doomed look on Inara’s face remained, despite the companion’s best efforts to hold up the mask of professionalism. Kaylee suddenly realized that Inara’s recent melancholy was not a figment of her imagination and, horrifyingly, that she was about to receive some very bad news.

“I have something to tell you,” Inara began softly. “I – I’ve made one of the hardest decisions in my life.” She paused, and then spoke again. “I’m leaving Serenity.”

As she heard the words, Kaylee squinted, wondering if that really was the beginnings of a tear in the corner of one of Inara’s flawless eyes. Kaylee couldn’t be sure. And then her vision blurred as she herself began to bawl shortly after Inara stated that she had something to tell, thus wringing the companion’s heart out even more.

“Why?” Kaylee gasped when Inara was finished, sobbing the word out through her tears. “Why?”

Inara was silent for a moment or two before she took a breath. “Kaylee,” she began softly, placing her arms around the young woman.

“It’s the Cap’n, isn’t it?” Kaylee demanded. “You’re leavin’ ‘cause of him. You and him can’t get it together and you gotta be away from each other.”

“I won’t lie to you,” Inara admitted. “Although that is not the sole reason, it is…a major one.”

Kaylee had always known – as would even a deaf-blind mute – about the fire between Inara and Mal, two people she loved so much. She also knew, always, that she couldn’t do anything to rectify the situation. It wasn’t a matter of rewiring a circuit or jamming a replacement part inside a break. Maybe it was more akin to holding two non-compatible machines together and mutely understanding that they could never be re-fashioned into a usable, harmonious part. She had always tried to ignore Mal and Inara’s thunderstorms, hoping they would dissipate.

“But why do you gotta leave?” Kaylee asked a little later, when her voice had returned. “Can’t you just go on like before? You two could keep fightin’ an’ stuff, like usual.”

“I’m sorry, Kaylee. Truly, I am. But I think it’s for the best – for everyone – if I depart.”

Kaylee understood then that Inara’s mind was made up and nothing was going to change it. Intense pain burned her. The realization that her bond with Inara was not strong enough to withstand the pressures of her situation with Mal hurt Kaylee nearly as much as a rejection from Simon would have. `Why does that gotta be more important than what Inara and I got together, our friendship?’ Kaylee silently lamented. She felt anger welling up inside, directed both towards the Captain and the companion.

“I have a gift for you,” Inara began softly, after more tears and more pleas for reconsideration were exchanged.

She gracefully rose from her seat and opened a drawer. Inara held a small wooden box in her soft hand and presented it to Kaylee.

Wide-eyed, Kaylee opened the lid. Nestled inside the box was a bracelet. It was round and simple, boasting just one glittery jewel. Kaylee’s eyes widened at the mouth-watering gift.

“It reminds me of you,” Inara said, tapping the jewel. “You’re bright and sparkly like that. The jewel amplifies the beauty of the bracelet, just as you light up the ‘verse.”

A new round of tears erupted from Kaylee. She didn’t think of herself as much of a jewel; that was really Inara’s realm and now Inara was leaving.

Inara hugged the distraught mechanic, trying to squelch any questions as to whether she had made the correct decision.

*** Wash and Zoe found themselves alone in the galley one morning. Zoe sat at the table, nursing a wound to her upper arm, as Wash opened cabinets.

“You’re going to have Simon look at that again today, aren’t you?” Wash called, as he examined the remaining cans of food.

“Don’t suppose there’s a need to,” Zoe replied, trying to mask a grimace. “Doc looked at it yesterday.”

“How’s the pain?” Wash asked. He knew pretty well by now when Zoe was attempting to appear stoic over something that truly was bothering her.

“’Bout the same.” Zoe smiled at the look of consternation on her husband’s face. His eyes and brow were always so expressive. She cast off her usual terseness to try to reassure him. “The pain ain’t too bad, and doc said it’s healin’ just the way it should be. So I ain’t gonna worry over it and don’t want you to either. No point in it.”

Wash walked over to where his wife sat and gently kissed her forehead. “All right,” he murmured. “I’ll stop worrying about that knife wound. And besides,” he began, this time a genuine smile spreading across his face as he waved an arm with a flourish, “we have so much else to worry about! There’s the fact that the buyers bolted on you and Mal, and so we didn’t get paid. We can’t find anyone else to buy the goods either. There’s the fact that every time I look in those cabinets, we have fewer and fewer protein bars and cans of food. And there’s the fact that our fuel supplies are low and the ship is practically falling apart despite Kaylee’s best efforts. Hey, a knife wound isn’t so scary when compared with imminent starvation!”

“I know I can always count on you to cheer me up, dear,” Zoe deadpanned, though with a half-smile that Wash knew denoted a measure of true amusement.

Zoe already knew the truth to Wash’s words. Indeed Serenity’s luck had been abysmal as of late. The entire ‘verse was falling on even harder economic conditions than usual. Jobs were harder and harder to come by, and actually getting paid was another matter entirely. Zoe read Cortex reports that indicated that even the rich were struggling nowadays, not that she felt much sympathy for them.

Zoe brought her mouth close to one of Wash’s ears, mindful that anyone else might walk in on the dining room. “These is scary times,” she admitted. “So much to worry ‘bout.” Her voice now hovered near a whisper. “Honey. You havin’ second thoughts?”

“No,” Wash said, resolutely. “No, we agreed that there would never be a really good time to have a baby. And so we shouldn’t wait. I’m glad we’re trying. Really.”

Zoe looked carefully at his face. Had she pushed him too much on this? Was he doing this only because of his bottomless love for her, out of a desire to do anything to make her happy? And was this really such a smart move, given their dire economic straits?

Those questions, however, might all be irrelevant now. “Good,” Zoe said softly. “’Cause I feel nauseous today. And I felt it yesterday too.”

Wash nearly jumped out of his seat. “Really? So do you think -- ?”

Zoe reached for one of his hands and held it. “Hold on, husband. Too soon to say for sure. Maybe somethin’ in that painkiller doc gave me is makin’ me nauseous. ‘Cept I don’t think so, ‘cause I’ve taken it before and didn’t feel this way.” She paused and added, “My monthly is a bit overdue. Still too early to say though.”

Wash’s heartbeat sped up considerably, and he knew his cheeks turned slightly red. “But so we really…we might….”

As Wash fumbled for something coherent to say, Shepherd Book walked into the dining room. “Good morning,” Book greeted.

“Good morning!” Wash replied, with far too much adrenaline.

“It’s nice to see such energy at such an early hour,” the Shepherd chuckled. And then, with his exceptionally ability to size up a situation, “I’m just looking for a cup of tea, but I don’t want to interrupt. I could – “

“Please, come in Shepherd,” Zoe said.

The couple silently watched Book as he heated up water. Book eschewed adding any actual tea to the water; their supplies were so low. He merely drank the warm water, trying to appreciate it for what it was and hoping someday soon they would be able to afford more tea.

Later, Wash and Zoe walked towards the bridge. “We gotta wait a little while longer to be sure,” Zoe was saying. She again looked intently at him.

He knew what that look meant. “I’m fine! I’m happy. I’m excited! And I – uh – I’m scared shitless too!”

*** “Inara’s gone,” River stated plainly.

Simon looked up from his work, slightly startled at his sister’s sudden entrance to the infirmary. He had been counting medical supplies, wishing their stores weren’t so low. He made a note to check in on Zoe and her shoulder wound, wondering whether the warrior was avoiding him because she didn’t want to use up their dwindling supply of painkillers.

“I know,” Simon replied. “She left a few weeks ago.”

He examined the look on his sister’s face, searching her eyes for clues as to her status. River looked calm and alert. Simon had been gradually reducing her dosage – partly due to the difficulty in maintaining supplies and partly due to the fact that it was time to wean her off of them. River’s condition appeared to be the one item on Serenity that was improving.

“Kaylee’s very sad. And lonely.”

“I know,” Simon said quietly. Thoughts of an unhappy Kaylee depressed Simon as well. Somehow it dragged down the entire ‘verse.

River was silent, her eyes scanning Simon’s face. She finally said, “Talk to her.”

Worrying about every person on the ship was taxing for the young doctor; he felt like Atlas, trying to hold up a planet -- but a struggling, straining Atlas at best. Between the lingering injuries of Mal, Zoe, and Jayne, to Kaylee’s mental condition since Inara had left, to memories of how he’d bungled every dialogue with Kaylee he’d ever held, to thoughts that Jayne might again pull what he tried on Ariel despite their conversation about it – Simon had more woes on his plate than he could handle. Taking care of River alone had been a fulltime occupation.

“It – it’s not that easy,” Simon said, feeling an odd sense of discomfort at discussing this with his sister. “There’s so much going on, and I never manage to say what I mean. I can’t seem to ever…” he let his voice drift off as he groped for the right words.

“It doesn’t matter,” River insisted. “Just go to her. Just be honest and say what you mean. That is what you want and what she wants too.” She stepped closer to her brother and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I will be fine,” she said slowly. “You can enjoy life. Despite everything that has happened and everything that will happen, you can.”

Simon’s eyebrows nearly raised at the coherence of River’s words. But then again, an ordinary dialog such as this one was becoming the norm rather than the exception for her.

Simon nodded, looking around the infirmary. There wasn’t much more to do in there today. He thanked his sister and headed for the engine room, despite the jitters that mockingly flitted around inside of him.

River stayed in the infirmary, her bare feet firmly touching the cool floor. She leaned her head back and opened her mind. Soon she was enjoying sharing the feelings that Simon and Kaylee experienced together.

*** Not long afterwards, Simon found his mind reeling. Weren’t they supposed to discuss their goals and expectations for the relationship? Were they supposed to sit down and have a dialog about where they saw themselves in a few years? Or was that not what Kaylee wanted at all, and was she just looking for someone to warm her nights? How was he to even begin asking about this? Should he admit off the top that he had little experience with matters of love and relationships? Or was that so blatantly obvious that it didn’t bear verbalizing? And what did he even want for himself and for their relationship anyway?

On that last question, there was one thing he did know: he wanted to be with Kaylee. He loved her smile, her beauty, and the joy she experienced in everyday happenings; he wanted to spend more time with her and be around her more. That was a start.

“Why you gotta worry so much all the time?” Kaylee asked him, with a laugh. She repositioned herself so she could rub at his temples. At first Simon nearly jumped at her touch before he willed himself to relax into it.

“I don’t know. I suppose it’s just the way I am,” he said. They were inside Simon’s room, behind the closed door since he had lured her away from the engine room.

“Did you worry so much when you were younger?” Kaylee wondered. “Before all of this started with River being taken away?”

“I worried,” Simon admitted. “There were exams to pass and a really tough course of study. But I didn’t worry this much though.”

He tried to calm himself but his fears continued to race as her fingers soothingly touched his temples. So, were they supposed to have sex now? Simon had only done so twice, both times with companions because that was what wealthy people on Osiris did and how most of them experienced sex for the first time. Those occurrences had been so long ago anyway.

“What worries are you thinking about right now?” Kaylee asked, sincerely wanting to get inside his head.

Simon nearly gulped. Well, River said to be honest, he reminded himself before wondering why he was taking advice from a disturbed teenage girl. Then again, Kaylee was always touchingly honest herself. Didn’t she deserve at least that in return?

“I was thinking about my life before all of this,” he admitted. “I, uh, the only times I’ve ever slept with someone before were with companions. Just twice, a long time ago when I was a teenager. I was thinking that it was nice, but it all felt so fake. No offense to Inara,” he quickly added, not even realizing that bringing up her name now may have been a faux pas. “But being with a companion doesn’t really teach you anything about how to be with someone…I mean, how to be real with someone. When you’re paying for someone’s time, it’s really different than when you’re not and um…it just doesn’t seem to help that much. Er – does that make any sense?”

“Actually, I kinda think it does,” Kaylee said. She still had a smile on her face, one of the few since Inara had left. She thought she understood where Simon was coming from and even got an idea as to something that may assuage his fears.

“But there ain’t no pressure here,” she continued. “We could kinda take things nice and slow. Maybe all we’s gotta do today is just kiss.”

“Kiss! Yes! That is a fantastic idea.”

“I mean, it ain’t a race an’ all. Not that I’m all that experienced with relationships and stuff either,” she laughed.

“You are more so than I, though,” Simon pointed out.

“Yeah. But so…I ain’t lookin’ to get hitched right this instant or to rush things along at all.”

Simon couldn’t control his smile. “I’m so relieved,” he admitted.

Kaylee nearly giggled at his innocence. Apparently she wasn’t the only one who could just say what they meant without filtering it. “So, then…how ‘bout a kiss? Just a kiss.”

Simon leaned towards her, hoping he remembered what to do. The kiss came naturally and easily to him. Kissing Kaylee felt right and simple. And it was easy – he didn’t have to think so much about how to do it; it just happened. His eyes lit up and he gently pulled her towards him for a second kiss, this time with his arms wrapped around her. Her lips were somehow deliciously soft.

“The Captain’s going to kill me, isn’t he?” Simon asked.

“Yeah. But I’ll ask him real nice not too.”

*** River sat in the dining room, listening to the others’ words and laughter. Jayne played his guitar and hummed along with it. Wash was animatedly telling Mal and Book a story, as Book tapped a toe in time with Jayne’s tune. The crew – except for Zoe -- was drinking the last of the wine made by Kaylee’s own fermentation system. Sweetener had been used to create a cake of sorts, though the sweetener had been scraped from the bottom of the tin, was slightly rancid, and resulted in an odd-tasting confection -- even by the crew’s standards. An old scrap of cardboard had been found in the cargo bay, and someone wrote “Congratulations Zoe and Wash!” on it, and hung it in the dining room.

River glanced at Zoe, who rested her head on her husband’s shoulder. Her eyes drooped a bit. One of her hands was laced with one of her husband’s, and Wash sat so near to her that their thighs touched.

Oceans. When River saw Wash and Zoe together, she felt waves, water, and oceans. Today she felt it even more intensely, with their hopes and fears over their impending arrival approaching and retreating in a rhythmic pattern. It was mingled with their intense love for each other and with the crashing arguments they sometimes had.

River turned her glance to her brother and Kaylee. He had his arm around her shoulders, and a broad and relaxed smile on his face. Kaylee’s cheeks were warm and pink. River listened to the guitar music and felt the heat in the room and how it warmed Simon and Kaylee, and the others. Their budding relationship was reminiscent of fire – the warmth and heat it provided, along with its excitement.

River then glanced at her side. No one sat cuddled next to her, causing her to feel either fire or water. She shook her head, trying to will herself back to the present. There were no actual waves or flames in the room; she reminded herself that this was just the way she experienced the two couples and it would not make sense to anyone else.

But when River willed herself to focus on the present and to attempt to communicate in ways the others might understand, she was hit by something very unlike oceans or fire. It was more like a blunt object pressing against her chest or a taunting child who teased her. No one held her hand or put an arm around her shoulder. It wasn’t only that fact, though, that caused her to feel the weight of aloneness. No one else woke at night, screaming from nightmares of cold metal objects penetrating their brain. Even when River tried, it was hard to communicate with the crew in ways that could be understood.

River shut her eyes and saw a vision of a young woman sitting alone inside a sterile, padded room. There was no entrance or exit. River felt that she was the only one who had been inside this box.

“Hey, River, you want more?” Kaylee was asking, holding one of the bowls out towards her.

River shook her head.

“So how are you doing tonight, River?” Simon asked. “Are you enjoying the party?” This party was quite unlike any of the balls that the young Tams had attended while growing up on Osiris, Simon silently mused.

“It is better,” River said, having momentarily reached into her brother’s mind. “Food isn’t as good here and I want more dancing, but it is a lot better than those other balls. Means more here and isn’t full of things that have no purpose, things that have no water or fire.”

“Well now!” Mal exclaimed, overhearing River’s comment. “So glad to hear you’re enjoying yourself, little lady.” He looked at Simon and added, “You know what in the hell she’s talking about?”

River wanted to reply herself, but before she could, Simon spoke up. “I think what she’s saying is that she likes our celebration here better than the balls we attended when we were children on Osiris. I think she means that people here are more sincere.”

“Yes!” River said, feeling – for the first time tonight – delight. The mental image of the padded box quickly dissipated, replaced by her brother’s smile.

“Aww, honey!” Kaylee exclaimed, genuinely touched. She got up and put an arm around River. “I’m glad you’re likin’ our celebration! I hope someday we can get back to where I grew up and my folks’ll and the town’ll show us a good time. My Dad plays a mean banjo. Him and Jayne oughtta put on a show.”

Mal watched the scene around him. Their jobs, money, and fuel were vanishing, his first mate was pregnant, Kaylee and Simon were together, and Inara was gone. He wondered whether things could even get any worse.

He would soon find out that they would.

***

TO BE CONTINUED

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