Red Run 6: Fightin’

Serenity, Firefly, and any mention of the ‘Verse associated with them is entirely the property of the storytelling genius Joss Whedon, and also the property of the evil, vapid Fox Corporation. This fanfic is not for reproduction nor for sale. It is freely distributed as an effort of appreciation.

19 hours out from Ita Moon

Jayne turned and looked at Zoë. “Huh?” he asked.

“I said, ‘now’.” Zoë whispered urgently.

“Oh yeah. Right.” Jayne pushed his chair back from the table. He hitched up his pants. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. The risk had grown substantially in the last few minutes, given the nature of the confrontation before him. In fact, unbelievably risky. “Who’d a thought Mal was knockin’ River around?” Jayne thought to himself. Nevertheless, Jayne had given his word, and now he had to cover. Kaylee looked up at him. “Be careful.”

Inara echoed her, with variation. “Yes, do be careful. And thank you, Jayne.”

Jayne responded gruffly without looking at her, his mind occupied with survival. “Yeah…no problem.”

He wasn’t sure how he was gonna pull this off.

The direct approach offered some temptation. Just make his move and be done. ‘Course there were a lotta pitfalls to barrelin’ straight in on somethin’ like this. Maybe a side on approach would be better. If he split the room on the left side, there was a chance of coming in behind Simon and---but gorramit,…River was standing more to that direction. Be like trying to sneak up on a radar unit. Simon’d miss him sure, but River never would. That left Mal’s side.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t as much area to maneuver on Mal’s side of the room as there was on River and Simon’s side. He’d damn near have to brush Mal’s right sleeve to pass him. The odds of doing that undetected were impossible, although by this time he’d settle for simply being ignored. Done right, he could be in position, carry out his mission, and be back before any of the combatants took note. Tough enough before, but with the atmosphere soundin’ like it did now, he’d probably never make it both in AND out again. Jayne weighed the pros and cons. He had one pro…and about 15,000 cons.

It were a bad hand no matter how you looked at it, but sometimes you have to play out a bad hand. He edged around Zoë and Inara in order to start from Mal’s side of the table. Girding up his courage he stepped into it.

“You struck my sister?” Simon repeated, his voice carrying the possessive ire of siblings in its tone.

Mal leveled a token protest. “There are all manner of strikin’ a person. I wanna make that point.”

Simon furiously began taking his coat off in preparation for a fight. River grabbed Simon and attempted to calm him. “It’s okay, Simon. In context, what he did was okay. Just calm down.”

Her voice sounded both needy and desperate. Not surprisingly, a tone that was easily misinterpreted by Simon.

Simon shook his head in horror at Mal. “I can’t believe this. I CAN NOT believe this. You’ve beaten her, and now you’ve convinced her that it was all okay. Co-dependency, Stockholm Syndrome….I can’t believe this.”

Mal held up his hand to stop the doctor’s train of thought. “Whoa, doctor. Weren’t no convincin’. She come to the idea that it were a good thing all on her own. Fact is…she was happy ‘bout it.” Mal winced just as soon as the last word was out of his mouth.

“My sister was happy about being beaten?” asked Simon scornfully. He raised his finger accusingly. “You know I worked on Osirus. In the trauma ward. Remember the “Good night Kiss”? Well guess what else I saw there? That’s right. Boyfriends bringing in girlfriends they’d beaten. Husbands bringing in wives. Or their children. And each one of the victims telling the same story to the police. ‘He didn’t mean to’, ‘It’s not his fault, I made him mad’, or my personal favorite ‘give him time, I know he’ll change.’ And do you know what the boyfriends were saying? The same thing you are. ‘She deserved it.’ ‘She likes it.’ And now you take advantage of my sister? This is more than I can take.”

Simon persisted in removing his jacket in spite of River’s attempt to stop him. “I may not be able to beat you Captain, but I think in another little while you’ll at least know you’ve been in a fight.” He raised his fists too high and too far in a comical parody of a boxing stance.

Mal sighed, seeing no way around it, and began to remove his own jacket. That’s when he spotted the stealthy approach of Jayne behind him. Desperate for a diversion…or a distraction….or hell, even a delay….Mal gestured frantically for Jayne to approach more closely.

Jayne recognized at once that he was humped. But that part of him that wouldn’t give up told him that he had to try.

“Don’t make eye contact,” Jayne repeated to himself. “If you don’t look, he won’t see you. Just edge around him and keep going. Focus on the target…don’t look at Mal.”

“JAYNE,” Mal spoke more forcefully, and with increased volumne.

“Focus…gorramit…focus!,” Jayne told himself fiercely. Another 3 feet and he’d be around Mal.

Mal stepped into his path.

At the table, Kaylee spoke dejectedly, “He’s humped.”

Inara and Zoë nodded, too upset at the outcome to speak.

Mal stepped closer to Jayne and dropped his arm on the shoulder of the visibly uncomfortable Jayne. “Doctor, you may not believe me, and you may not believe your sister, but how ‘bout the man who saved your life yesterday? Jayne’s flown with me now for many a year. He knows what I’m capable of, and not. And I’m sure he’ll tell you right now, that it is not my custom to smack women. Ain’t that right Jayne?”

“Gorramit,” Jayne thought venomously. “Ain’t fair. Get this ruttin’ close…and—“

Simon snarled at Mal. “Oh nice try. But do you really think JAYNE is going to be on your side? I’ve seen how you treat him. Your constant slights against him. Your talking behind his back. Like he’s going to back you up on this. I’ve seen Jayne do many things, but I’ve never seen him strike a woman.“

Jayne stood flummoxed at this rare praise. “Well…gosh. Thanks doc.” Noticing Mal’s suddenly switched demeanor at this seeming change of allegiance, Jayne quickly began temporizing. “Course I ain’t never know Mal to hit a woman….’cept that Saffron broad.”

Both men turned sub-zero stares upon him, evaluating the viper in their midst.

Jayne stood stoic momentarily, realizing that he was a man defeated. The blow would come from he knew not where. Perhaps it would be an enraged Mal, feeling himself vilified by Jayne, the man he’d taken aboard long ago, and been twice betrayed by. There’d be no stopping the airlock door this time if it was Mal.

Or it could be Simon, the Mad Doctor, beaten and verbally abused by Jayne since the moment he came aboard, ready to paralyze a man just to make the point about teamwork, already feeling a kinship to Jayne because Jayne had recently saved his life…now abandoned by Jayne at the moment he needed support. No telling what he’d do if Jayne chose Mal over him.

And River…? “Oh gorramit…I’ll just eat my gun right now. Cowards way out? My ass. Fool didn’t even half know what he was talkin’ ‘bout.” Jayne thought. There was no doubt about it. No matter whose side he ended up on…it meant his death.

The shock of inspiration that suddenly struck him therefore seemed all the more poignant, a revelation that seemed almost Buddha inspired in it’s cunning. The very bizarreness of it galvanized him. Spoke to his core. Like an attack at dawn. Or using a security system against itself. His enemies would never suspect this was a trick because it was something that was literally beyond his ability. It were gorram Spiritual….the Touch from Beyond…and he could use that! If wishes were horses, we WOULD all be eatin’ steak!

The proper tone of voice, the right inflection….essential for this to work! Softly, and spoken with resignation. “Look fellas…I’m not on anybody’s side here.” A rare moment of honesty…which would also lend authenticity…forced him to admit to a simple truth though. “’Cept maybe my own. I just need to get somethin’ out of the kitchen and then I’ll be outta yer way.” Then the masterstroke. “I bear no ill will toward any of you.”

Mal froze, eyes wide.

Simon was seemingly thunderstruck.

River, unnoticed, rolled her eyes in annoyance.

Jayne repeated the mantra over and over. “Not one smile….totally serious look. Not one smile….totally serious look. Not one….” With this in focus, he gazed serenely at both men.

Mal swiftly looked at Simon, suspicious of some trick. Simon, he found, was staring just as intently at Mal….equally suspicious.

Simultaneously, it struck both men that neither was using Jayne to achieve an advantage.

Mal stepped back from Jayne apologetically. “Sorry ‘bout that Jayne.”

“Very sorry, Mr. Cobb…I mean…..Jayne. Of course, feel free,” Simon hesitantly gestured toward the kitchen.

Jayne tersely nodded his appreciation, and rounded the bar into the kitchen proper. At the table, Kaylee was pounding Zoë’s arm repeatedly. “DID YOU SEE?! DID YOU SEE?! He’s going to make it. He’s going to make it!”

Zoë tempered the young woman’s enthusiasm with a simple reminder. “He’s done good. But just hold on.” Her tone became more grim. “He’s still gotta make it back.”

Behind him the argument commenced again. Something about using some Core Rules of Boxing, or some such, when they got to the throw down. More of Mal’s delaying tactics at work. Jayne frankly was too intent to pay attention…now that he neared his goal. For the moment, the heat seemed to be off him, but he dare not attract the attention of the combatants nearby. All the plans that he and Zoë had worked on in case of this eventuality could be ruined in a moment if he managed to reveal a portion of their plan.

He casually opened the cupboards, hoping that no one was watching. Why they had ever decided to keep this one item in the kitchen cupboards was beyond Jayne. “Keep them in your bunk or in the emergency supplies…but in the damn cupboard?” he thought. Naturally enough, now that they needed the damn thing, he couldn’t find squat. They’d kept tons of them at one time, but every time some emergency came up, they’d use one. Now it looked like they were out.

He was nearly ready to abandon his quest when he spotted one last remaining vial at the extreme rear of the cupboard. Glancing over his shoulder and confirming he was being unobserved, Jayne grabbed the vial and hugged it to his chest. Then he began rearranging items in the cupboard….giving the appearance of a man who was frantically looking for some absent dishtowel.

The vial crushed against his chest seemed to weigh a ton.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t just secrete the substance in a pocket and run. In order to be properly used, the vial had to be prepared. Commonly found kitchen substances needed to be mixed into it in order to achieve the proper chemical composition. Which Jayne wryly admitted to himself was why they stored the damn things here in the first place. Ease of access to the components.

The other problem was that the material needed to be heated. And there was a time factor involved after it was heated. If not used within thirty minutes after heating, the stuff tended to go bad. And when it went bad, it went bad in a big way.

His next task was to gather the components. He did this without incident.

Now he just needed a bowl big enough to mix it in.

He opened the dish cupboard—

And ducked as a midsized saucepan flew past his head, nearly clipping his ear off, before it fell with an echo-y resonant crash to the metal floor.

The resulting cacophony of sound brought instant silence from the other side of the counter.

“Gorram that Kaylee and her dish stackin’” Jayne thought, unduly. If Mal glanced behind the counter, he’d spot all the gear and he’d know what was up.

He raised his head above the counter until his eyes could be seen by Simon and Mal. Thankfully no one was moving to assist him.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, and then ducked back down. He waited for the argument to resume and grabbed an appropriate bowl.

Swiftly he mixed the components and placed them inside the heating unit.

The mixture was done quickly enough. Jayne sidled in front of the heating unit, blocking the view of anyone behind him, and swiftly threw a hand towel over the mixture. The gas emitted from the mixture was powerful, and non-odorless. He hoped the towel would mask it until its time for use. Plus which the towel would hide the identity of the bowl’s contents until after he bypassed Mal.

From this moment on, delay was an enemy.

Grabbing up the bowl, he briskly stepped around the corner of the kitchen counter and headed for the table, he took two steps and—

Felt his left arm gripped by Mal.

Timidly, he raised his eyes.

The people clustered around the table were in paroxysms of despair.

Mal nodded mildly. “Just wanted to say again I were sorry for tryin’ to drag you in to somethin’ not your affair.”

Jayne’s tension filled breath spasmed out in an explosive burst of words. “NoproblemMalthanks.”

He took another step and felt his right arm gripped.

“This is gorram nightmare,” he thought with passion. He turned to look into the puppy like eyes of Simon Tam.

Simon, naturally not to be outdone in chivalry by Malcolm Reynolds, offered his apologies. “Truly, Jayne, thank you for all you’ve done for us.”

Rapidly nodding his head, Jayne backed away. “No….no…no problem.”

He stepped quickly to the table with his burden and placed it in front of Zoë. She quickly peeked under the towel and then dropped it back into place. Simon, River, and Mal continued to watch for a moment before turning back to their own affairs. In order to assuage any interest, Zoë pretended nonchalance. When Simon turned around and began to roll up his shirtsleeves, she gratefully reached over and took Jayne’s left hand in a warriors grip.

His hands were still shaking.

Kaylee timorously asked the question they were all curious about. “What were it like?”

Jayne fearfully glanced at her. “What were it like? It were like a gorram minefield out there. No matter which way you went…no matter what ya did….you was gonna trip somethin’. Look at me, my gorram hands is still shakin’. Airlock door, mad doctor, killer psycho woman….you just knew it were comin’. Couple a times I thought---“ Overcome by the experience, Jayne became unable to continue.

Zoë gripped his hand more fiercely. “You think there was a one of us sittin’ here didn’t feel the same as you?”

Inara stroked his shoulder in support. “We were all terrified of having to do it. Thank you for taking on the burden.”

“Thank you so much Jayne,” Kaylee offered.

Jayne stilled his breathing. “We better get started. We’ve only got about thirty minutes before it goes bad.”

Zoë nodded her agreement.

River, following the dynamics throughout the whole affair, could finally stand no more. Rushing to the table, she berated all of them caustically. “It’s unbelievable the way you people carry on!” She whipped the towel away from the bowl. “For God’s sake, it’s not combat….it’s POPCORN,” she exclaimed in vexation.

Beginning the turn to carry her back to the confrontation between her brother and Mal, River paused in her motion and quickly snatched up a few kernels, defying anyone by eye to deny her this portion. Throwing a handful into her mouth, her visage dissolved into an expression of blissful harmony at the bountiful flavor. Catching herself, she favored the group with one last admonishing eye before returning to her brother’s side.

Kaylee spoke first. “Don’t listen to her Jayne.”

Inara: “Yeah, she’s crazy.”

Zoë: “It were a brave thing.”

Red Run 7: Consolin’

Serenity, Firefly, and any mention of the ‘Verse associated with them is entirely the property of the storytelling genius Joss Whedon, and also the property of the evil, vapid Fox Corporation. This fanfic is not for reproduction nor for sale. It is freely distributed as an effort of appreciation.

Strolling rapidly away from the table, and its collection of self absorbed popcorn hedonists, River stepped to her brothers side.

Simon was inviting Mal to throw the first punch.

Weary of the drama, River reached out, grabbed Simon’s ear and twisted it.

“Owwwww owwww owwwww,” yelled Simon. “River…be careful. 16 lbs of pressure is all you need to tear someone’s ear off.” (From the kitchen table, Zoë loudly admonished Jayne to stop laughing.)

“Fourteen,” she corrected him. “Now are you going to listen to me for 60 seconds, or do I tear it off?”

Swiftly. “I’m listening. Just let me get my breath okay?”

She released his ear and he stood. “River…you could have injured me permanently.”

Lifting her arm again in a threatening motion, she replied, “And if you don’t let me explain what happened between Mal and myself…I will.”

Simon gestured at her angrily. “Go on then sister mine.”

River drew in a deep breath. “Earlier today, I was suffering a fugue state, and beginning to have repetitive ideation, and Mal slapped me. His slap brought me back to reality. Although I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t want to make it part and parcel of any ongoing treatment, I was grateful at the time for his slapping me. Thus his statement that I “liked” being slapped.”

Simon pointed his finger lazily at her while forming the shape of a gun. “And after he slapped you….you decided that you didn’t want him to tell me to stop your treatments because…..” He gestured helplessly. “I can’t even think why you’d ask him to tell me to not stop your treatments.”

She replied simply and sincerely. “Because they don’t work Simon. Just like I told you. But I didn’t want to stop the treatments because I wanted everything to continue as it has before now…between both you and I…and…….well…..that’s not important. But I did want them to continue so that everything would still look the same.”

Gesturing in confusion and ignoring River for the moment, Simon bent to the floor and picked up his jacket. Placing his arms inside the sleeves, he gracelessly made his way to Mal, who assumed a fighting stance.

Simon tutted in annoyance. “Captain…please. I’m not going to fight you. I’m sorry…again…for having misjudged you. It seems I spend a lot of my time recently being forced to apologize for either my behavior..or River’s.”

“No problem,” Mal responded. “Well..actually…it were quite a problem. The kinda problem that’ll make a man look over his shoulder constant like. The kinda problem that’ll keep a man awake at night. Give him the cold night sweats. Bring him screamin’ from his bunk in the middle of the night kinda problems. But we’ll call it square for all that.”

“I’m grateful again,” the doctor responded. “Which is why I’m almost frightened to ask you these next series of questions…given that your answers might induce me to commit bodily violence on my own flesh and blood while aboard your ship. And that would be a helluva way to say thank you after what I’ve just put you through.”

Mal nodded his head. “It would that.”

“Nevertheless, it would appear that you are….as you stated earlier….smarter than me on some issues that involve her—“

Mal interrupted. “Might be better to say, I got more facts…not smarter than.”

Simon nodded sagely. “No, Captain…I’m going to stick with my statement and say that you are smarter than I…because I don’t think you can describe any other human being who would spend his time in stopover ports talking to backworld country doctors unnecessarily for several hours, when he could be enjoying ANY other activity, as a smart man.”

Mal diplomatically said nothing.

“Oh no Captain, I think that any man who’d waste his time on unnecessary and unneeded expeditions to find a cure that is no longer required can most certainly NOT be classified among the intelligencia. In fact Captain, I’d take it as a kindness if you’d make a plaque for me that I can hang outside my bunk. “Moronic Neanderthal Stupid Quack Doctor”. Or perhaps, “Sham Medical Person”. Maybe even “Blind Dumbass”. What do you think?”

Jayne, from across the room. “Can I get a vote?”

Inara and Kaylee: “Shuusshhh.”

Ignoring Jayne, Simon continued. “Do you have siblings, Captain?”

Mal answered gravely. “No, I do not doctor.”

“But if you did…you’d do anything for them?”

Mal guardedly responded. “I would hope that I would.”

Simon seized this answer. “Yes. YES. Indeed! You would hope that a SIBLING would do whatever they could.” Then bitterly, “You would also hope that sibling wouldn’t lie to you too.”

Behind him, River hung her head, her face hidden by her hair.

Mal, frostily: “Doctor…I know your feelings are hurt, but I’m going to ask you…being as you just stated that you feel you owe me some gratitude today…to pause one moment and allow a bit of steam to bleed off your emotions.”

Simon stood hesitantly.

“Please,” Mal whispered.

Simon sighed and gripped both of Mal’s arms at the shoulder. Without looking at his sister, he stepped behind Mal and moved toward the rear of the cabin…directly away from River.

At the kitchen table, Kaylee made as though to rise.

Swiftly and silently, Mal gestured for her to remain in place, and also sent a request via his face for her to trust him.

Obviously concerned, Kaylee nevertheless took her seat and, after a moment, nodded.

River began to back out of the room. Moving as fast as he dared, Mal ran to position himself in front of her, blocking her exit. He studiously kept his hands away from any weapons and his thoughts firmly fixed on friendship and caring.

“Move out of the way, Mal.” River said, using his diminutive for the first time.

Instead, he sat down on the steps.

“I’m not joking,” she said.

He sighed. “And I’m not moving.”

Glancing behind her, he used a subtle old Browncoat hand signal to Zoë. One that meant, “hands up”.

Slowly, Zoë moved her hands back onto the table from where they had automatically fallen. Away from her carbine. She wasn’t happy about it though. None of the others at the table noticed either Zoë’s movements nor Mal’s extremely subtle signal. Only Zoë noticed, and Mal--

And maybe one other.

“This is all your fault,” she said.

“No,” he answered, too low for anyone other than River to hear.

“He hates me now,” she said, in the same fashion.

Mal shook his head. “No...he doesn’t.”

“I could kill you,” she whispered.

He nodded. “Yeah. But it won’t make you feel no better.”

She didn’t reply.

He went on. “And if you did…then what you really are scared of would come to be.”

She jerked back as though slapped. Her head spun to look at the others gathered at the table. “I….” She started.

“I’ll stand with you,” he said.

“No,” she said…a single tear streaming from her left eye.

Kaylee had the best angle to see River. She’d held her piece when the Captain told her to leave Simon be. She could still see Simon in the antechamber off the kitchen. Sitting with his head clutched in his hands, staring at the floor. But when Kaylee saw the tear come off River, she knew this time she wasn’t gonna sit still.

Mal saw Kaylee start to rise and seeing the determination there, realized he had few options. He made three hand signals at this point.

The first one was an attention signal. These were reserved for calling a specific member of a squad and singling them out. In this case, the signal meant, “Zoë.” The second one was a universal signal for “stop”.

The third signal had been devised by Mal and Zoë after the war. Each crewmember on board Serenity had a hand signal that specified their name. Only Zoë and Mal practiced these signals, and only they were aware of their existence.

The last signal used meant “Kaylee.”

Placed together, the message was: “Zoë…stop Kaylee.”

Thus it came to pass that Inara and Jayne were treated to a sight that had only been witnessed by a few men in the ‘Verse. One of those men was Mal. All the other men who’d ever seen this sight had seen it in pitch-black darkness, and were now dead.

Jayne and Inara got to see it in harsh ship light. Kaylee missed it because it all happened behind her.

And Mal missed it…cause he didn’t look. Cause he didn’t want to see what he’d started.

What Inara and Jayne saw was this. They saw Zoë go from a seemingly relaxed crouch…the type of slouchiness that any sailor might have when he’s relaxing at DownTime…into an 80 kilo woman of muscular build who threw herself backwards out of her chair, who then ran around Jayne’s chair, and who then cleared the left side of the table only to grapple Kaylee from behind.

A smothering left hand placed across Kaylee’s lips stifled any sound she might have made.

The entire movement was completed in less than a second….and the sound of Jayne crunching his popcorn was louder.

Only Jayne noticed something discordant about the movement, something that would have been unrecognizable to Inara. He noticed that Zoë’s empty right hand caressed the right side of Kaylee’s neck, starting from the back, and moving toward the front of the head. Jayne nodded grimly at the habitually ingrained motion.

That hand with a knife in it would have sliced every vein and artery in the right side of Kaylee’s neck, and simultaneously ripped out her vocal cords.

Silent kill.

Without the knife, Zoë had her hands full.

Kaylee threw herself back against Zoë. At first, in panic, but then in fury when she realized that Zoë was trying to stop her from going to River. Zoë whispered fiercely into Kaylee’s ear. “Sit down. Captain knows what he’s doin’.”

She might as well have tried to put out a fire by spittin’ on it.

“This was all much easier in the war,” Zoë reasoned to herself. “Wonder why? Oh, that’s right…I don’t wanna kill her.” A particularly violent shove from Kaylee caused a reevaluation in Zoë. “Leastways, I didn’t start off wantin’ to.”

Behind them, River turned and saw the struggle. She whipped her head back to Mal.

He tried reason. “She ain’t bein’ hurt. Zoë’s just puttin’ her in her chair so’s we can keep talkin’”

River looked back at the tussle. Zoë was entirely failing to put Kaylee in her chair. Probably because Kaylee, although entirely against the idea of killing people, had spent her formative youth in a farming community surrounded by strapping males. Zoë didn’t know before she grabbed to, but she’d picked to go toe-to-toe with a 1000 time veteran of every greased pig contest, mud wrestlin’, and haystack rollin’ that Kaylee’s town had thrown at her.

Zoë was having a tough time. The fact that she was trying to remain silent during this wasn’t helping her.

River glanced again at Mal, and Mal saw her jawline tighten.

Mal whispered to himself, “Oh hell.”

Red Run 8: Groupin’

17.5 hours out from Ita Moon

Again, the unexpected hero of the hour appeared in the form of Jayne Cobb.

Gripping Zoë by the neck, and Kaylee by one arm, Jayne slung the two women bodily into chairs at the table. Not the chairs they’d previously occupied, but close enough. “What in the gorram hell is wrong with you? You almost knocked the table over”, Jayne shouted. He pointed to the bowl perched at the end. “Do you know what I had to go through to get that?!”

Mal saw River relax.

When Zoë started to rise again…as was her nature…Jayne grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her again into the seat.

Mal yelled out to her. “Zoë! Stand down! Jayne…take your hands off her. Then be apologizin’ to both of ‘em.” Secretly, Mal was thankin’ Jayne mighty hard. Without him, River would have made a move in support of her friend Kaylee. Who knew where that mighta gone?

Jayne let go of her, and never taking his eyes off Zoë said, “Pardon there, Kaylee. Zoë…ya got my pardon if you’ll take it.”

She remained silent.

Jayne said, “Suit yourself.”

Zoë then said, “I take your pardon.”

Jayne nodded, satisfied. “I can rub your neck if I hurt it any. My hands is good with massagin’.”

Zoë, horrified at the thought of Jayne’s hands touching her any further, turned to look up at him. “Oh God, no! I’ll be fine.” She chuckled at his words though. Her chuckle was the real forgiveness.

Jayne took a seat between the two ladies.

Kaylee’s stock were simple people, and her most endearing quality was the manner in which she wore her emotions on her sleeve. Thus Kaylee, still upset, fixed her eye on Zoë. Then pointed at herself, and then back to Zoë. Sign language for “you and me…soon!”

Zoë shrugged. “Captain told me to. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. He’s got some cockeyed idea about helpin’ River, and he didn’t want you interferin’ right then” Zoë smiled at Kaylee. “But if you still wanna go after this is all over we can do pillows at 10 paces.”

Kaylee looked startled for a moment, and then snorted her laughter. Kaylee just wasn’t made to hold a grudge.

Jayne suddenly had that faraway look in his eye again. Zoë quietly reached over and wrapped her hand around his pinkie finger and caught his eye.

Jayne sobered up immediately…and abandoned the visual fantasy he’d been working on. He slowly reached across with his other hand and worked Zoë’s grip loose from his pinkie. She allowed it.

He met her eye. “Gotcha, “ he replied, in answer to her silent warning.

River turned back to look at Mal. “I guess we better do this before someone in the crew really and truly gets hurt. You’re too stubborn to let it drop.”

Now that they were at crunch time, Mal grew evasive. “Only if you’re ready for it.” Forgetting that he’d as much as frog marched her to this point.

She couldn’t help it. She laughed at him. He was such a boob sometimes. Then he got the irony and startin’ laughing. “At least he’s a boob who can laugh at himself”, she thought.

They walked over to the table. Mal directed an instruction to Kaylee. “Kaylee, would you mind goin’ to see if Simon would care to join us? Please explain to him that its me askin’ as a call against that apology he thinks he owes me.”

She shook her head slowly. “I’ll give it a try, Captain. May take some doin’”

He nodded reassuringly. “S’all right. We got time. Use what you need.” Mal knew that after Kaylee was done; Simon would show up.

Once Kaylee moved to the back of the room, Mal asked his question. “Zoë…what were the problem with puttin’ Kaylee in her chair?”

“Sir…it’s a lot easier to kill the folk you’re attackin’, ‘stead a wrestlin’ with ‘em.” Zoë hung her head in apparent shame. “And ‘sides which…I done got slow.”

Jayne and Inara shared a look. Jayne mouthed the word, “Slow?” his face filled with shocked surprise. Inara expressed her ignorance to Jayne of such things with an objecting grimace.

Zoe stood up from her chair. She passed Mal on the way to the kitchen counter. He questioned her with a glance.

She gestured over her shoulder. “Forgot the salt.”

“Salt?” Mal asked. He approached the table. “Wha---who in the gorram hell said you pirates could make popcorn? I was savin’ that last vial of popcorn for a special occasion. I shoved it to the back of the cabinet so’s nobody could find it.” He pinned the culprits with his glare. “I’m sailin’ with gorram thieves. Didn’t even know it til now.” Half mad, Mal asked, “Whose idea was this?”

Inara, and Zoë both pointed at Jayne. He pointed back at them.

“Explain, Jayne.”

“Well Mal,” Jayne tried to answer while his cheeks were full. It came out as “Wor Malph”. Swallowing heroically, he went on. “Well, me and Zoë was sittin’ here and it looked like the argument was only getting started….and you can’t watch an argument without popcorn…so I told Zoë to give me the nudge when it looked like it were about half over…and everybody else was scared to go make it. So it…kinda….fell to me.”

“Is that right?” Mal asked sternly.

“Weren’t no easy thing either, Mal.” Jayne stated, in a plea for sympathy.

Mal nodded his head vigorously. “I’m totally graspin’ how you could be outwitted by popcorn, Jayne.”

Kaylee reappeared with Simon following her closely, surreptitiously dropping his hand from her hip as they drew closer to the group. Placing his gaze solely on Malcolm, Simon avoided looking at River. Instead of retaking her position at the table, Kaylee elected to stand slightly behind and to the right of Simon. Inara, Jayne, and Zoë were repositioned at their places at table. River was standing in the direction of the crew quarters passageway, and Mal was standing between the kitchen counter and the rest of the group….midway between all of them.

“We gone through a lot lately…and I ain’t just talkin’ about the events of today.” Drawing in a deep breath Mal continued. “I’m thinkin’ that we need to be comin’ to some better understandings.” He waited for any challenge.

None of them disputed this.

Mal gathered his thoughts. “Lookin’ around…I know something. I know that y’all are it. Right now, there ain’t another person in the ‘Verse we can trust outside this room.” Jayne shifted uncomfortable. Mal continued. “With the possible exception of Jayne’s mother. Although Jayne, “Mal waited until Jayne looked at him “don’t go openin’ any packages we might get, nor eatin’ any of the contents until Simon runs a poison scan on ‘em. Could be any new packages from your Mother ain’t really come from her.”

Jayne protested mildly. “Mom and I got a code worked out. Special way she folds the tape and puts scratches on the paper. That way I know it come from her.” He nodded knowingly. “I done thought about someone else using her packages to poison me afore now.”

Simon broke his gaze from Mal and looked at Jayne. “I’m trying to imagine anyone being more—.” He broke off and tried again. “Do you teach classes in paranoia?”

Jayne bristled at the charge. Then leaned toward Inara. She explained, “Paranoid is someone who constantly thinks he’s being watched, and takes overly elaborate steps to protect themselves.”

Jayne subsided. “Oh.” In sudden generosity. “Sure thing doc. I can come up with a list a some basic stuff to look out for. We’ll talk after this business.” Mistakenly touched by Simon’s language, Jayne went on. “And thank you for the kind words.” He nodded his kinship at the doc then addressed the Captain. “But I take your meanin’ Mal. I won’t be openin’ none of ‘em soon.”

Simon reacquired Mal’s eye.

Mal whispered, “Best let it go.”

Simon nodded in resignation.

Mal continued. “As I was sayin’, we are it. We’ve fought together. We seen some of our own die.”

By no visible sign did Zoë react.

“And we ain’t out of this yet. Not by a long shot. May be we ain’t never gonna be out of it….although I got some ideas on that score too. Still and all though, it means we could be lookin’ at the only trustworthy folk we’re ever gonna see again…right here in this room.”

“There cain’t be no lies between us.” He paused to let that sink in. “And today is not the day to be mincin’ words. Today we are gonna be speakin’ hard and painful, and there ain’t no way outta that. And its gotta be done.” He glanced at each of them individually, lingering for a few moments on each.

Pacing around the room, Mal’s coat swished at his moment. That and the sound of his footfalls being the only noise, so rapt was his audience.

“I’ll go first,” he said.

They waited.

“Gorram this ain’t easy.” He said, after several seconds, with a tremor in his voice. He plunged on, speaking slightly too rapidly. “What I’m scared of is that one day I’ll make a bad decision and every one of you will die ‘cause of it.”

Jayne, predictably. “Well….Yeah Mal…that’s pretty much the way I’d been assumin’ it would go.”

“Thanks Jayne,” Mal replied scornfully. “You’re always a….comfort…to me.”

Inara rose from her seat and walked to Mal. Standing before him she took his hands. “You’ve seen a lot Mal. Too much. More death and dying than any other of us have seen…with perhaps the exception of Zoë. And after all these deaths, you still don’t understand that it’s not you who decides?”

“That ain’t exactly my meanin’…”

She interrupted. “I think it is. I think you are a bit arrogant in your attitude, if you believe that my death will have anything to do with you. Oh, I’ll acknowledge that I might die because you tell us to go one way and not the other, and that one of those directions might have been more favorable in letting us continue to live…but you act like I have no choice in following you. You are completely wrong in that. I…or any of us….could chose right now to live simply by surrendering ourselves to the Alliance. It would probably mean a harsh period of interrogation, and then prison for a time, and yes even the outside chance of being executed, but it’s an option to us. Why are you so arrogant to believe that following you is our only option?”

Mal: “You…want to leave?”

“No…not at all. I’ve done more good for myself, and for people, and maybe for the ‘Verse, here in the last six months than I’ve done in my entire life before now. And I’m fully aware that I might die. And I’ve made the decision that it’s worth it. Bizarrely, I feel happier here among you people than I feel at the fanciest dress ball. I could be admired more and pampered more there, and I wouldn’t have to cook evening meals,” A few knowing chuckles patterned the room at her comment. “But it would all be so hollow now. An illusion.” She toughened her voice. “But don’t ever think you’ve taken my choice from me.” Then smiling, “Didn’t you fight in some small war on that point once?”

Tightened to the point of immobility, Malcolm throat was unable to even whisper a gratitude.

Simon appeared at this elbow. “Captain. I’ll add to what Inara has said. River’s and my range of options isn’t as extensive, not desirable options in any event, and I know you are the type of man who will recognize that in the future…if you aren’t already aware of it. Once you do realize that, you might be tempted to think that you are responsible for our deaths…if it should come to that. Perhaps you’d make the mistake of thinking that by having nowhere else to go that you had somehow especially failed us.

“I couldn’t stop you from thinking that…if you chose. But I think I can offer you a balance to counter it. You see, Captain…River and I had nowhere else to go when we arrived at Serenity. We’d have died on Boros most likely…killed by operatives of the Alliance, or dragged back to their idea of justice. And unlike Inara, I don’t think River can look forward to a simple few years in prison. I think they’d keep her forever. Not that I think she’d allow that now. She’d die before she allowed that. I’d die to prevent that. We’d both be long dead before now….if not for you.

“So even if we die tomorrow, and even if you feel like you are the immediate cause of our deaths, then I can only say that it would be balanced by the fact that we currently live because of you. We’ve enjoyed a year of life among many good people. A year of life that we wouldn’t have known.” Simon then glanced at Kaylee, who shyly took his hand. “And I owe you for having given me the chance to meet other people and experience so many other things as well. If I were able to Captain…I’d….” Now himself to emotional to speak, Simon backed away.

Jayne stood to deliver his comment. “Yeah, Mal. Don’t sweat it none. We all get the short stick in this crap ‘Verse ‘ventually.” He moved to sit back down, then paused. “But if you could make it so’s we’s fightin’ when we gets killed…I’d kinda prefer that.”

Mal, ironically “I’ll…do what I can, Jayne.”

Jayne saluted him with an upraised thumb and a wink.

Zoë stood up and moved to stand next to the Captain. “Take my seat, sir. It’s my turn.”

Mal relinquished the spot and moved around to the table. Dropping myself carefully into the chair, Mal leaned over and pulled the popcorn bowl toward himself, ignoring the pleadingly pained look from Jayne.

Unlike Mal, Zoë chose to look directly at no one before beginning. Standing in a stiffened position that more resembled a military stance than anything else, Zoë stared directly toward the wall. In appearance, she looked like a young recruit giving a report to a superior. Her speech was characterized by its lack of neither upbeat nor downbeat inflection.

“I got some of the same fears the Captain got. I don’t wanna lose nobody I’m responsible for. I’m afraid that I’ll make a mistake while I’m doin’ my duty. I’m afraid of failin’.” She cleared her throat. “Course it ain’t quite so bad for me. The Captain’s always been there to tell me the plan, and if we mess up then I know it ain’t for nothing I’ve planned. Course, likewise, if we succeed, I cain’t quite claim the credit either. That’s the burden and the reward of bein’ in charge.”

“After the war, I just wasn’t ready to feel nothin’. Couldn’t feel nothin’. I had my duty to the Captain, and I guessed you’d call it my loyalty, but I couldn’t get worked up about nothin’. We’d kinda used up all our feelings during the war. Least it seemed that way to me. So when the Captain got all excited about getting Serenity and bein’ free to roam the ‘Verse, I went along ‘cause I figured he’d need me. And ‘cause I didn’t have nothin’ else to do.

“Then we had Wash come on board.” She suddenly laughed, and her voice grew momentarily animated. “He was awful. He had this cheesy moustache, and he was always talking funny, and cracking jokes. I hated him.”

“And I’d treat him so badly…remember Mal?…..I’d snap at him and make fun of him. And I wouldn’t laugh at his jokes.”

“When did that all change Zoë? Mal, asked quietly, already knowing the story.

She smiled. “I walked up to the bridge one day to check on something, and I see Wash doing something on the floor. I couldn’t tell what it was. So I crept up on him. I’m pretty good at creepin. And I seen him playing with these toy dinosaurs. And he was makin’ them talk to each other.

‘We’ll go forth together…you and I. As long as you can forget for the moment that you are a carnivore…..and I am a brontosaur.

‘Yes, though I am a carnivore…together we will go….and drink clear waters…and eat pine nuts from the trees of…pine nut trees.’ And he made them dance together across the floor.

“Can you imagine? There he is…a grown man playin’ with dinosaurs.

“And I just felt something in my chest move, and it was like I could suddenly feel again. And he turned around and saw me looking at him, and scrambled to try and hide them. It was just so funny. And I started laughing. And he stopped trying to hide them and looked at me, and said, “It’s not what you think.” I laughed that whole day.

“After that, whenever I was near him, I could feel things.

“I know I ain’t always been one to show my feelings much…especially when we’re headed to a fight. But the last couple of years, I’ve had them. I may not a shown them to many folk, but they was there. Now I been feelin’ empty lately, worse even than I felt after I come back from the War.”

“And I’m scared about it. Now that he’s gone, I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to feel again,” she said mournfully. “The last couple of days, we’ve been interested in one thing and another, and I’ve felt involved, but I ain’t sure it’s gonna continue.” “I’m afraid I’m gonna go back to never feelin’ again,” she repeated. “And this time…maybe forever.”

Inara sat stricken. Jayne was unconsciously pushing his fist into the tabletop. River shuffled from foot to foot.

Simon opened his mouth.

Zoë spoke to him. “I just come to tell you what I’m afeared of. If you don’t mind doctor, I’d rather no other words be spoken.”

Zoë moved back to the table and took a seat.

Red Run 9: Holdin’

Standing in front of everyone, Kaylee wiped her perspiring hands on her olive green pants, and gave every appearance of a woman in trouble. Although trying to hide this, it was still apparent to the people collected in the hall that Kaylee just wasn’t use to the formal atmosphere to be found in the current meeting. Informal roundtables were more her speed; this gathering was a little much for a farm raised girl from a border planet. She was game to try though. That much was also clear. “I’m scared a quite a few things,” she started readily enough.

“Louder,” yelled Jayne.

“I say…I…I..I’m scared a quite a few things,” Kaylee repeated uneasily. “I ain’t much scared of the same things that most of y’all have said. I’m scarred a snakes, and big dogs. And I’m scared about my family findin’ out what I’m doin’, and my daddy whippin’ me for havin’ done some of things I done, but not so much worried about that. I’m worried that the Alliance will catch all a us, but I don’t know how much they’d be wantin’ me so I don’t worry so much about that. I worry about the Captain sometimes. And I worry about Simon and River a lot. The Alliance has been lookin’ for them for some time, and I’m scared what they’d do if they found ‘em.

“I guess that’s mostly what I worry about…the folks around me. I get scared when they get scared…and I got scared when we was at Mr. Universe’s…when I thought I’d die. But I got mad too, and wasn’t so much scared after that, and since then I been much happy.” Looking at Simon while she said this. “I guess I don’t worry too much about what will happen in the future cause I’m thinkin’ about right now. I guess I ain’t got much to be scared of.”

With that she became embarrassed and faulted herself, incorrectly as it turned out. “I guess I’m no good at this. I’m sorry for messin’ this up.”

With that she half-bowed and backed away behind Simon, hiding her face behind his back.

Inara arose. Moving in delicate and purposeful strides, her legs graceful and lending her the appearance of gliding, she approached the speaking area, but abruptly stopped and faced Kaylee.

Seeing Inara’s scrutiny, Kaylee looked at the Companion and then nervously at everyone else. Inara smiled gently, and then stepped close to Kaylee, almost crowding Simon into taking a hasty step away, but he instead instinctively stood firm.

A couple of the crewmembers, including River, had the wrong angle, so all they saw was Inara’s back. The others were treated to the sight of a wild-eyed, and thoroughly confused Kaylee, as Inara slowly and sensuously leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth. It was not a chaste kiss, although it was not overly long in duration. Inara then pulled back from Kaylee. A very red faced and obviously embarrassed…but also not completely unaroused…Kaylee.

Inara leaned her head sideways enough to speak into Kaylee’s right ear. None of the crew were able to determine the course of the conversation, although Mal and Jayne both heard the word, “charm” spoken loudly enough to be recognized.

Mal and Jayne speculated later that Simon must have heard more than they, given his proximity, but if he did, and although they asked him many times, Simon never said…either then or later.

Inara next smiled a dazzling smile at Kaylee, who then reached up and hugged Inara quickly but tightly. Her comment of, “Thank you Inara. So much”, was easily heard by everyone in the party.

With that, Inara stepped back from Kaylee and turned to face the crowd. “My name is Inara Serra,” she began. “I’m a registered guild Companion. I have a catalog of fears that I could reveal to you, but if I were to do so, they would take up hours of our time. Suffice it to say that I am an extremely fearful person.”

The other people in the room heard her words…but refrained from immediately accepting them. They’d seen Inara in action a time or two.

“What I most fear is something that I am bound by Guild rule never to reveal. Among my order, it is considered a taboo subject to ever admit to anyone outside the Order that we ever consider such things. It’s thought that admitting to it would somehow hurt the reputation of Companions. So we employ ritual pomp to distract ourselves, and we change the subject when it arises as a topic of conversation from people outside the Guild. I was once asked about this by Kaylee right before I went to my annual physical on Ariel, and I was unable to answer her beyond a vague statement.

“I’m going to trust all of you now by telling you our shameful secret. What most Companions fear, and indeed what I fear the most, is that I will always be alone.”

Jayne raised his hand like a schoolboy asking for permission to speak.

Inara spoke to him formally, something that ordinarily would have seemed inappropriate, given the general animosity that characterized their relationship, but seemed highly appropriate in the present. “I can see you have a question Jayne. I’ll be presumptuous and say that I think I know what you are going to ask. Will you allow me to answer what I think is your question, and then if I’m wrong, you can ask later?”

Jayne nodded.

“I think Jayne was going to ask me something to the effect of how a Companion could ever find themselves alone…if they chose not to be. Is that correct Jayne?”

Clearing suffering from a shattered world view, Jayne spoke, “Yeah…you Companions can be with damn near anybody in the ‘Verse.”

Inara dipped her head in agreement. “Yes. It often seems that way. And my order likes to encourage the public perception that Companions are universally glamorous and happy, and that we acquire all that we desire from life. What they don’t like to reveal to the public is the fact that Registered Companions have a suicide rate of almost 15%, and that many Companions report depression, apathy, and lack of fulfillment in their annual psychological reports.

“So although it is possible for Companions to physically, even sexually, be with whatever person they want--outside of those already in committed relationships and some other limits--it doesn’t always mean that the Companion finds fulfillment from being with them. A highly sought after vid-star can seem like a wonderful addition to a companion…until you get to know them. I guess the closest analogy would be the old party cliché about being alone in a room full of people. That hollowness that I described a while ago when I was speaking to Mal…that’s a symptom of what I’m talking about. Attaining everything. Being an object of desire. And being completely dissatisfied with it all.

“What some Companions end up longing for is not the glittery trophy man that sees their Companions as some prize that they’ve won, or as some object they purchased, but instead find themselves looking for someone who understands them…values them for themselves, and not what they offer because of their status as a Companion. It’s not uncommon for Companions to slip the net of Guild influence and run off with someone that shows them interest….typically with a person who is unaware of their profession as a Companion. Companions have even been known to disguise themselves in various ways, and act in deviously romantic fashion. The Guild treats such Companions as outcasts, and can be quite ingenious in devising punishments. But the threat of Guild punishment is often outweighed by that fear. The fear of loneliness.”

“Even when you are surrounded by people, you can still feel horribly alone…unaccepted….and unloved...and hollow. That’s my fear.”

Inara reached down and gathered the hem of her dress in one hand and stepped back toward the table.

After a time, Simon stepped forward in her place.

“My greatest fear is…difficult for me to pick out. I suppose I could say the Alliance, but that wouldn’t be true. We were captured once, you know, on Ariel, and what surprised me about myself was how I reacted when I was in custody. I felt no fear. Once we were captured, there was nothing else to do. I relaxed. We’d done all we could and we had lost. I even went so far as to tell one of the arresting officers that he’d have to shoot me or actually tell me what was going on, so fearless had I become. At the time, I couldn’t understand the jeopardy, and since then I’ve been unconcerned about what it might have meant to me personally. Now…illogically….irrationally…stupidly…I find it hard to picture myself being afraid in Alliance custody.” Blinking rapidly, he continued. “No doubt I would…if I were captured….after a time…become afraid for myself. But I’ve spent so much time being frightened of them that I can’t picture being frightened for myself—“ He ceased his mild ramble and recollected himself.

“I fear for my sister. I fear for her sanity. I fear for her being killed by the Alliance. I fear that she is harboring something horrible inside of her.”

River began looking around as though for an escape route. Mal prepared himself to move.

Simon went on. “But what I most fear is that she will never be the way that I once knew her.”

River stopped moving and looked at him. He was not looking at her, but it was out of embarrassment, not his previous anger.

Tugging at a nonexistent loose thread on his jacket, Simon continued. “You can fool yourself…sometimes. You can delude yourself that you are acting nobly. That you are acting in someone’s best interest. You can even convince yourself that you are being smart, or professional while doing so. And you can do all these things, and never face the truth. The truth that you are being selfish.” Turning to River he spoke from his heart. “I’ve been so selfish. I’ve wanted the little girl who use to play Unification War with me. I’ve wanted my berry-picking sister. I’ve wanted my spell-correcting sister. And I’ve wanted her on my terms. Instead of just letting her be…what she is.”

Raising his eyes he looked directly at River. “I’m afraid that my sister will never forgive me for placing my desires before her needs.”

Maintaining a neutral face, River slowly began to shuffle toward Simon. A shuffle that turned into beseeching run as she raised her arms in preparation for the hug. As soon as they held each other, her face collapsed into sorrow and she began sobbing her denials of all he had said.

“You are so stupid, Simon. You’ve gave up everything for me. Even when Mom and Dad--” Her weeping became uncontrollable. “You’ve looked after me, and it was so wrong for you to have to give up so much. You worked so hard. Everything you left behind. Everything that’s happened to you. I could never---. I can never---.” Satisfying herself with simply clinging to her adored brother for the moment, River cried until she couldn’t anymore.

When they finally separated, she suddenly grabbed him again and said, “I love you so much.”

As she pulled away, Simon repeated her words back to her. Rubbing her sweatered arms, Simon gravely regarded her, clumsily wiping his eyes with his handkerchief.

Suddenly remembering their audience, both siblings became self-conscious, still affected by their breeding and the social norm that emotional displays were anathema among the upper crust society classes of Osiruis

Moving away from the group, Simon and River held hands for the moment.

Jayne Cobb shoved his chair violently away from the table, and strode to the center of the room. The Tams paused in their steps to watch him.

“Got some things to say. Can’t say I wanna say ‘em. Can’t say you’ll like hearin’ ‘em.” Jayne stated, almost defiantly. Fiercely he defied them by look to object to his speaking. “May not surprise any of ya too much to know I done bad things. Lots a bad things.” Wiping his nose with the back of his hand, he spoke in remembrance. “Seems like I always been doin’ bad things. Even when I was a shaver. Bad seed, my teachers called me. Got to be they wouldn’t have me in the school. I didn’t mind none. Just let me run around more. But seems like I had that name on me from then on. Bad Seed. Troublemaker. Saw the inside of a jail cell before I was 12. Killed my first man when I turned 15. Drinkin’, whorin’…I done it all. Got older and left my planet after a fracas. Hit the ‘Verse and kept on hittin’.

Jayne worked his jaws without speaking, grinding his teeth together. “’Bout a year back if y’all will remember, we set down on Higgins Moon. Found out I had a statue of me built. Found out folk around there thought I was some kinda hero. Weren’t true a course. One fella there knew it pure too. Fella named Stitch Hessian. I tossed ole Stitch outta our plane to save myself, then killed Stitch in front of the whole town when he tried to kill me. ‘Course he did kill a young fella….fella that didn’t know no better.”

Jayne paced to the crew stairs, hesitated, and returned, continuing to orbit the room while growling out his thoughts. “Some snot nosed brat…ain’t even had his first woman, most like.” Jayne gazed off into the distance, seeing the scene again behind his eyes. “Never will now either…cause a me.”

Shaking his head to clear the memory, Jayne recollected his thoughts. “Talked with Mal about it. Why’d a kid go and do that? Save me? ME! Damn dirt scratchers…dyin’ for someone they ain’t never hardly met.” Jayne swallowed convulsively. “Givin’ up knowin’ a woman…havin’ kids….livin’….on account a me. Damn dirt farmers,” Jayne whispered, without heat.

“I thought on it. I thought on it a lot. I didn’t even kill him and I thought on him more than any man I DID kill. Kept thinkin’ there was somethin’ there…somethin’ to see. But I couldn’t see it. It just looked….weird. Like lookin’ at the world thru an outa focus rifle scope. It wouldn’t come clear.

Couple months later, we pull the Ariel job. I’m still thinkin’ ‘bout everythin’, but not in the front of my head. I’d done pushed it back. What I was thinkin’ about was how things was worse on Serenity. River’d carved me up some, and I was still raw ‘bout it. But that weren’t my major thinkin’. What I was thinkin’ on was how things had been better afore they came. Back when it was just Mal, Kaylee, Wash, Zoë, Inara and me. Things was easier. And I had too much on my mind right then. I didn’t like ‘em bein’ here no more. I wanted things to go back. I wanted ‘em GONE!”

“I know some a ya don’t know about this. Some of ya do.” Jayne cleared his throat. “It were me that turned ‘em in to the Feds.”

In the act of taking some popcorn, Zoë paused and sat back in her chair, glancing at Mal to see what his orders might be. Seeing no surprise from him, she realized that he’d been one of the ones to know about Jayne’s treachery. Seeing that her leader had known, Zoë then contented herself with clenching her fists repeatedly, instead of blowing Jayne’s head off, as she wanted to do.

Inara shook her head sadly. “Oh Jayne…” was all she said.

Having formed a bond with both River and Simon, Kaylee’s reaction was the most visibly distressed. “You done what?!” she screamed. Pressing forward she attempted to move past Simon and get to the mercenary; Simon had all he could do to keep the suddenly enraged woman from reaching him. Jayne, for his part, made no move to protect himself, seemingly satisfied…perhaps even anxious…for Kaylee to hurt him.

“Kaylee! Kaylee! Calm down. It’s all right. River and I found out about it later. We were the most hurt by it, and we forgave him for what he did. It’s all right!” Simon said soothingly.

Kaylee was having none of it. She whirled on Simon. “Ain’t no forgivin’ that! You coulda died!” Throwing off Simon’s grip, she retreated. “Ain’t no forgivin’ that,” she repeated.

“Amen,” said Zoë, staring hard at Jayne, her decision clearly supporting the Kaylee version of justice.

Mal approached Kaylee, and also directed his next words to Zoë, “Jayne done a bad thing. I about killed him myself over it. But it’s done. Fact that you three didn’t know it ‘til now don’t change that.”

River took Kaylee’s hand. “Don’t blame Jayne. I’d put a knife to him and he was still upset.” She smiled at Kaylee, rubbing the other girl’s hands in her own. “’Sides which…he just got stupid…the money was too good.”

Mal flashed a look at Jayne. Found the other man looking at him. Somehow Mal knew that Jayne had never told River and Simon the details of their conversation. Again, River somehow knew. Looking at Jayne, Mal knew that Jayne had figured this out also.

Kaylee missed the exchange between Mal and Jayne, and it would have meant nothing to her anyway. “I don’t care River. The money weren’t the point. He betrayed you. He betrayed US.”

“Amen,” repeated Zoë.

Jayne, chomping his jaw and pursing his lips during this entire time, finally spoke. “That’s right.” Looking at Kaylee. “I did.”

The group grew silent.

“I had a dead ex-partner whisperin’ in one ear and I had a dead dirt scratchin’ mudder whisperin’ in my other…and I still turned around and missed what they’d been sayin’.”

They all waited.

“I spent my time after Ariel lookin’ over my shoulder wonderin’ when Simon and River…or the rest of y’all….was gonna figure it out. Waitin’ for Mal to change his mind and put a bullet in my head. Waitin’ fer….hell, I don’t know what fer.

“But then I got hurt getting’ the Lasiter, and was stove up on doc’s table. That’s when he told me that we was a team. Told me we needed to move past. Told me he wasn’t gonna do nothin’ to me when he was doctorin’ me.”

Zoë, quickly, “We all make mistakes.”

Mal, jumping on it. “Zoë!”

Ten years of loyalty and trust bonds were tested for a few moments, and for a few moments, nearly broken…before the full flavor of trust worked its way into Zoë and reminded her. She still didn’t trust herself to speak again though.

As he stated his next words, Jayne sneered them at Zoë, personally,…and nearly caused his own death.

“But I didn’t care WHAT the doc had said.” Jayne waited for a response but none came. “I just wanted to be sure that I wasn’t gonna be shot…or have my brain fried.” Quick glance at River. “But I wasn’t takin’ his words to value. Didn’t take ‘em to value…until….”

Jayne rubbed his hands. “Do any of you know that I don’t like Reavers?”

The sudden non-sequiter caught all of them by surprise. Every single one of them in the crew knew that Jayne Cobb, tough mercenary, was positively nightlight scared of Reavers…although he’d never say such. Inara was the first to recover.

“I think I’ve noticed a time or two when you showed more….hostility…toward them than during other fights.”

Bowing his head, Jayne muttered into his chest while nodding. “That’s puttin’ it mild. Truth is….I’m plum scared a Reavers.” Which then blew away everyone’s theory that he’d never admit to it. He looked around to see if anyone was laughing. No one was.

Confused to the point of irritation, Mal asked. “Jayne, what does--?”

Raising both arms, Jayne’s hands fluttered in front of his body in the sign for patience. “I’m getting’ there Mal. Just…hold your steak.”

“So’s anyway…I never did listen to the doc. Thought ‘bout his words, but didn’t THINK about ‘em…if you know what I mean.

Then we hit Miranda. Seen all them dead folk. And we watched that vid playback from the woman that died. The one et by that Reaver.

“And I started thinkin’. That had been one of their own. That Reaver had been with ‘em. Some farmer, or comp tech, or maybe just a janitor. Mighta even known that woman. Worked with her maybe. But sure ‘nough had the same notions as her about the Alliance and life and all before he got turned.

“And so we’re walkin’ away…and then it hit me. That Reaver…he was one of them. He were suppose to watch their back. Like Stich Hessian had said. He were suppose to be there for ‘em. Only he weren’t. He eat ‘em instead. He looked at ‘em and he saw a big pile a meat, and he eat ‘em.”

“And then, it were like that rifle scope got sighted. I seen Stitch, and that kid and I seen somethin’ else. It were real quick in my head. I didn’t see that woman and the Reaver standed there no more. Instead a that woman sendin’ out her message, I seen Simon talkin’. He’s sayin’ the same words she was, and movin’ the same way she was… and then he gets attacked. Only it weren’t no Reaver. It was me. I attacked him. And I wasn’t pullin’ his meat off…it was big chunks a money. And he was screamin’and I kept pullin’. And he died.” Jayne’s hands began shaking and he looked at them, seeing in his own mind the vision of hands covered in blood….and money. “I was suppose to watch his back.” Jayne finished lamely.

Jayne shuddered us the vision again left his mind. “That’s when I realized that I weren’t actin’ no better than a Reaver.”

“And now…that’s what I’m most scared ah…one day I’m gonna look in the mirror, and something the same…or worse…than a Reaver is gonna be lookin’ back at me.” Ashamed suddenly with his open expression of thoughts, Jayne slowly began to move out of the center of the room. As he moved past Simon though, he paused and looked Simon directly in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. And then Jayne shamefacedly began to move away again.

At first, no one could believe what they’d heard. It was Simon, top 3% of his class, who recovered first.

He grabbed Jayne’s arm as the larger man moved to pass, and thrust out his hand to Jayne. With grave solemnity, and his own voice cracking, Simon looked at Jayne and said. “Apology accepted…..Mr. Cobb.”

The assembled people speculated often about what happened next with Jayne’s left hand. His right hand was clearly shaking Simon’s. They could all see Jayne reach up to his face though with his left, and he certainly did something. Some speculated later that he was brushing, (or picking) his nose. Some suggested he was brushing back an errant hair. Some suggested he was picking popcorn out of his teeth.

No one ever suggested that he was wiping away a single tear.

And though Simon, the only one who was positioned to see, was asked many times by the crew what had happened, Simon never said…either then or later.

Red Run 10: Revealin’

Serenity, Firefly, and any mention of the ‘Verse associated with them is entirely the property of the fraking genius Joss Whedon, and also the property of the moronic Fox Corporation. This fanfic is not for reproduction nor for sale. It is freely distributed as an effort of appreciation.

16.45 hours out from Ita Moon

More sedately than he had first approached the center of the room, Jayne returned to his chair.

Inara touched his arm gratefully as he passed, in appreciation for his efforts at reconciliation…if not his tactless language when offering it…before he regained his seat.

As Jayne sat, Zoë stood up and moved to another chair at the extreme end of the table. The chair fartherest away from Jayne. Openly staring at the man after she moved, her contempt for him obvious, Zoë attempted to send him the clear signal that not everyone accepted his attempts to reconcile.

Noticing this, Jayne contrived to give the impression that he hadn’t. Steadfastly not looking in Zoë’s direction, and placing his attention on Mal, the pretense of formality around the gathering continued, strained though it now obviously was by the disturbing revelations.

No one was currently speaking, and the quietude of the moment began to create a feeling of impatience among the assembled. Manifested in coughs, the shuffling of feet, and squirming in chairs, this impatience permeated the group until all of them were looking at the last person left who had not yet spoken.

River.

Looking at the floor, at the ceiling, at any other point except in the eyes of her shipmates, River jerkily worked her head to the side, never resting on one point for long. In all outward manner looking very similar to the young River who had come aboard ship the year before. Recognizing that indeed she was upset, but that this behavior also had the feeling of deliberate postponement to it, Mal cleared his throat meaningfully, giving River one more chance to step up on her own.

River stood in place, near Simon, ignoring Mal’s silent instruction, unwilling to move forward into the speaking area. Finally, Mal stepped next to her, again hiding their conversation from the others and speaking softly. “Girl…it’s your turn.”

“Mal…I can’t,” she said, her voice trembling. “There are too many people focusing on me. Simon and I…we’re talking…and I don’t….” The broken and exhausted quality of her voice appealed wordlessly to him to cease. “I don’t want to do this now.”

The dark eyes of Captain Reynolds studied her. Judging when men reached the limit of endurance was the mark of a good sergeant. A skill equally useful to a captain of a spaceship. Inherent within this skill was it’s opposite, the knowledge of when to push a person to attain their limits. Intuitively he recognized that River’s limits were yet to be plumbed. Her tactic of deliberate delay was just an effort to put off dealing with the dilemma, and although he was sympathetic to her discomfort, now was not the time to back out. But he wasn’t above easing her into the waters either.

Ignoring the last statement made by River, Mal elected to answer her second objection. “If you need a little attention taken off ya, I think I can help with that,” Mal said, compassionately. “I told ya I’d stand with you.”

Mal turned around to address the audience. “I think we’ve all spoken some true words today. Maybe some things that everybody already knew, but with a lotta new bits that ain’t everybody suspected. Some of it is gonna take awhile workin’ through.” He glanced at Zoë and then Jayne in clear meaning. “But I think it’s done us good to say ‘em. Cleared the air. Gotten us ready for what lies ahead. Won’t be no secrets no more ‘tween us. What one knows, we all do. Way it should be now. Way it has to be now. But I think most of ya know that this bit a business today weren’t about the most of us on the crew. It were about River.

“River’s got a lot to be scared about. She’s been poked at and messed with, and run across the ‘Verse bein’ chased by some folk that look like they come from nightmares. She’s been forced to fall in with smugglers and brigands.” Mal smiled broadly as he said this. Sardonic chuckles echoed back to him.

“And she ain’t like us.”

River’s body jerked once as Mal said this, as though he’d slapped her again.

“She’s different. We’ve all seen her fight a bar to a standstill. Seen how she knows things others caint know. Seen her remember things in perfect detail. Some of that she was always able to do…according to her brother. She’s been genius smart since birth. But some of the things she does now was put in her. Done to her. As an experiment. As a way to…make…people…better.

“I’ll say again that I don’t hold to that.”

“And I’ll ask you to recollect what I said before we fought at Mr. Universe’s. I told you then that one day the Alliance would try to meddle. I shouldn’t a said one day they would. I shoulda just pointed at River and said “Look how they’ve meddled already.” Look what they done to children.”

Suddenly carried away with the memory of deaths close to him at the hands of the Alliance, Malcolm hurled the coffee cup he was holding against the wall. It shattered into shards. He indicated River and hollared out. “To children!”

The others remained still and silent, raptly attentive.

Composing himself, Mal spoke again in a few moments more softly. ”They didn’t wait after Miranda. They tried making folk “better” again right off. Now I don’t know what River was like before she come to us. Her brother says she was some different when growin’ up. I can sorta relate to that. Folk said the same thing about me when I got back from the war. Said I weren’t the same. Said I weren’t myself. And they were right.”

Zoë slowly nodded her head in agreement, recognizing her own state of mind after the war. “Truth to tell, I ain’t never gonna be the same man I was before the war. And I’ll say to you now doctor, as one of those painful and hard words that I promised were gonna be spoken here today, that neither will your sister ever again be the same person you remember from your childhood. I’m afraid that, in my judgment, what you most fear has already come to be.”

Simon sought Kaylee’s hand, and she gave it to him strongly. Clutching it like death…and life.

“But it were one thing for YOU to want her to go back to the way she was doc, and it were another thing entirely for her to have moved on…but tried to make everyone around her think she hadn’t. She’s been tryin’ to do that lately. Cain’t be done. She’s had to do a fair amount a trickin’ to try and keep us from knowin’ some things about her. And that’s wrong, and it takes too much trouble. Both for her and for us.

“Jayne has told us this very day all the hurt that can come from a situation like that. We’ve seen some of it. Practical things like wasted food. But we’ve seen in them friendy and airy kinda things to. In the way people treat each other. In what they feel when they are around one another. We ain’t been able to share everything we got with River ‘cause we haven’t known what she can take. She ain’t been able to share with us…cause she ain’t been sure about what she should give. So we ain’t been seein’ her…not the all of her anyway.

“That’s why I pushed this today. I coulda let River keep on doin’ what she has done. A few spilled plates a food that didn’t need to be spilled weren’t gonna kill us. What mighta killed us is her feelin’ like she had to pretend to something that weren’t true. Not tell us something that she knows…or only tell us indirect in her riddlin’ way of speakin’. We need to be movin’ on from that. Course we can’t do that til she’s ready. If she’s ready. And truth to tell, even I don’t know yet if she is. I’m movin’ on the hunch that she is, but I’m in Deep Black right now on what’s to be.” Shaking his head reflectively, he said. “Maybe after Miranda I’m just tired of secrets.”

“But I know we’re all we got right now, and lookin’ back on it you can see where some problems come up that didn’t have to have. For example, Jayne wantin’ things to go back the way they were. He was still wantin’ ‘em kicked off before we went to the Maidenhead. All of us now know what happened ‘cause a that. Now we got River wantin’ things to stay the same. No tellin’ what new trouble could come tryin’ to hold up time. Cause you caint hold up time.” Mal turned and looked at River. “And it’s time.” Guilt hung around River like a cloud. Past actions River had taken that were geared to protect the changes in her, when looked at another way, seemed to be a lack of faith in her friends. Mal recognized there was no help for that…not yet. Responsibility for your actions didn’t necessarily mean things went smooth or that you’d always feel good…it just meant you’re responsible.

River stepped away from her brother. Mal backed away to let her have the center point of the room. River swallowed visibly. “I’m not like most of you,” she began. “Maybe I never was. Things didn’t seem so bad when I was growing up. I came from a wealthy family, and my brother was always there to watch over me.

“I’d never known fear when I was young. Things just seemed to come easily to me. Math, science, even things like dancing. Struggle…heartache…pain. I really never experienced those things.” Caught in her reverie, she went on. “Maybe it would have been better for me if I had. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been as shocked when I went to the…” A grim pause from River. “…Academy.”

Among the assembled crew, most of the faces expressed surprise. Until this moment, most of them had never heard River give such a long speech with as much mental lucidity. Apologizing to Kaylee (unseen by most of the crew) and her statements about the oddness of the crew while liberating popcorn were typically short statements; entirely within the range of River’s normal mode. Even the time when Jubal Early came aboard, it appeared that River had spoken only out of need…never out of recollection. Her sudden clarity of thought was unfamiliar to them. Being unfamiliar, it frightened them slightly.

River sensed this. She spoke to Mal. “This is just making things worse. They’re nervous now. Let’s just stop.” She whispered. “And I’ll run away.”

Mal shook his head ‘no’. “They ain’t goin’ no where. And you ain’t told ‘em yet. You’re just warmin’ ‘em up.” Speaking louder, in an effort to make River’s pause look like simple nervousness, he said. “Don’t be nervous. You seen how bad Jayne sounded when he was speakin’. And he’s still here.”

“Mal…I’m sittin’ right here. No call to be sayin’ that.” Jayne evinced an exaggerated expression of hurt.

Mal winked at Jayne and then glanced at River.

Jayne astonishingly caught the subtle attempt to support River. “Oh,” he said…and relaxed back into his seat.

Mal signaled to River. “Go on.” Obviously disinclined, but driven by something inside of her that she wasn’t quite able to identify, she did. “Pain. That’s what I remember. Doctors, and nurses…men who claimed they were there to help me. Always testing and probing. Not just at my body…but at my mind. They wanted someone graceful…someone smart….someone intuitive. They wanted to make me into a machine for them to use. Spy for them. Kill for them. After a time they just wanted me to try to Read for them. Not words…but other people…and a part of me could after awhile. Reading people was a skill, like other skills.

“But not like other skills either. Those other skills involved me. Math was something I calculated. Dance was something I performed.” Frustration at the limitations of trying to express the process were clear in River’s tone. “It’s hard to describe…but Reading was something that I had to……Share.

“You can’t just look at someone and calculate them like a puzzle, or perform them like a dance step. You have to….Know them. It’s a type of…empathy. You become…like them. A part of them. They become a part of you. And when you can separate yourself and know which of them is you, and which of them is not you, then I suppose it can be wonderful.

With a self-condemning smile, River shook her head, in childish chagrin. “Usually..it wasn’t like that for me. I couldn’t stop it. There were no filters…no way to stop their voices….and it crowded me out. I tried to push it back and I couldn’t. They were in my head…in my mind, and some of them weren’t nice. I couldn’t stop them. Things they’d read…things they’d lived…things they’d imagined. Past. Plans for the future. Feelings. Hungers. All of them there….ever present….unstoppable.”

Jayne interrupted again. “Doc told me one time that you cain’t.” He tapped the back of his head in demonstration. “They done something to you.”

River gloomily agreed. “They cut me. Worse than I cut you, Jayne. Butchered and stabbed and sliced, and then put it back the way they wanted. And they did it over and over and over again until they got what they wanted.”

Her listeners shifted uncomfortably.

“Forever, it seemed…they held me. Probing and cutting, and questioning. Trying to…perfect me. My old life was transported so far away from me; so far away from my daily experience that I could barely remember it. Like a dream, or a fantasy. When Simon finally came to rescue me, it was like I had met someone from another land…another time.” River tilted her head to the side in recollection, whispering her tale. “I had traveled a long way in my mind. Finding my way back was difficult. I’m not sure I’m back yet.”

Moving from the center of the room River gestured at the walls. “This place…Serenity…she’s a wonder to me. I feel safe here. I belong here. When I came here, it was like being reborn,” she said gaily. “I crawled from my box and landed in a place that was new, and strange, but yet familiar and comforting. Nooks and crannies of the ship were my refuge. The struggling of the engine like the beating of a kind heart. Coolant and lube oil the blood of Serenity.” River pirouetted to encompass the whole ship. “ All of it accepting me. Taking me in. Welcoming me.”

Stopping her spin, she pointed at Mal. “Even the master of Serenity said I could stay. Not without some fears. Not without some regrets. But nevertheless accepting me.”

“And for the last year I’ve been….happy. An event I never dared to think could happen to me while I was with the Alliance. I haven’t always been sure of what I was seeing, or doing, while I was here but I was happy with the people around me.”

She waved a finger. “But there was one problem…a serpent in my garden. I’d come here as a broken and abused person. Over time I started to be less so…and I found that I could hold a thought longer, and ideas no longer overwhelmed me, and the thoughts of feelings of others around me began to seem less and less like my own.”

Pulling a chair to her, she flipped it backwards and sat, her hands holding the chair back, facing the majority of the crew, with Mal, Simon and Kaylee standing behind her. The atmosphere reprocesser hummed noticeably as it restarted its cycle, and she delayed a moment, allowing it to fade before continuing. “Then Miranda…the Maidenhead…fighting….killing. Discovering that what they’d placed inside me was a danger to those around me.” She motioned at the walls, still agitated at the thought. “A danger to Serenity.” “Jayne told us how he felt after seeing the death of the woman on tape at Miranda. Similarly, I experienced an…awakening. Miranda was a sea change, a tempest in my mind, ready to overturn my sanity. A lie that needed to be exposed…to break free…to inform the galaxy. Once my conscious mind saw what had been suppressed in me, a cleansing occurred. I got better. Somewhat.” Standing up from her chair she walked over to Kaylee and Simon. “Not completely okay though. Occasionally I still have over-powering visions…blackouts…some other problems. And I am still a Reader, but I can separate and control a lot more. “Once I realized that, I felt I needed to hide it from you.” “Why were you attempting to hide the fact that you’ve become more improved mentally?” Inara asked, bemused.

River moved toward Inara, her hands raised beseechingly, begging to be understood silently. “Because I didn’t want the rest of you to be frightened of me. You’d all grown use to me being…broken. Suddenly turning up better would have meant we’d all need to readjust. Rethink. Redefine who we were. I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me this way. That I’d be…” Spoken quietly, almost in confidence to Inara alone “rejected.”

Inara nodded her head…in far more understanding than anyone other than River might have known. Emotional rejection was a concept Inara understood, or at least its close cousin…refusal.

“We’ve never been harshly judgmental people River. Your improvement only holds satisfaction for us. Mental health on your part wouldn’t occasion fear from us.” Inara said by way of reassurance.

“Yeah, River, it’s good to see you getting better.” Kaylee said. “You don’t need to feel scared of us finding out.”

“Of course,” said a grinning Simon.

River smiled uncertainly.

Mal couldn’t help but feel satisfaction. The camaraderie and friendship among his crew was going to see this through, and they’d all be better for it. Sometimes it all works out.

At least he thought that until Jayne snapped his fingers.

“I figured this out,” Jayne stated, slapping his hand on the table. “I know what she’s scared of.”

Mal laughed aloud and spoke sarcastically. “Jayne Cobb…folk hero and psychiatrist. No offense Jayne but we didn’t hire you for your mind fixin’.” Laughing again.

Then Mal looked at River.

Her eyes were icily directed at Jayne, depthless and flat.

“River, honey?” Zoë asked, a slight hint of anxiety in her voice.

Jayne stood up, backing away from the table and River.

“I’m right ain’t I?” he asked. Triumphant he spoke to Mal. “Look at her Mal, she knows I know.”

Mal had to admit that it sure looked like it. Also looked like River wasn’t too happy with Jayne knowing either.

From what he mistakenly thought was a safe distance, Jayne muttered, “I aint scared a ya.”

River spoke emotionlessly. “Jayne…you’ve been scared of me even before I cut you. I’m not wrong about that. You still are.”

Jayne, glancing at the others and keeping them at bay by eye, uttered conspiratorially his confidence to her, but loud enough for the whole room to hear, “Maybe. Course that was afore I figured out a couple of ways to kill ya.”

Mal frowned. Simon looked aghast, and began to move forward.

River laughed, which caused Simon to pause in coming to her rescue.

She waved a hand at Jayne dismissively. “No offense Jayne, but I already beat you in a fight once. I’ve no intention to do so again, but I think I could.”

Jayne smirked. “Yeah, you beat me that once. Truth to tell though, you surprised me that night and I’d had a lot to drink, and I wasn’t armed. My first method wouldn’t work so well. Even I’ll admit to that. First off you’d have to be unarmed. I’d have to catch you in the open. Vera’d need to be on auto fire, and it’d be good to have you a long way off.” He paused. “’Course that wouldn’t be the best way. Too many variables.”

“Jayne, if you truly feel sorry for what you did…don’t do this,” she begged, knowing what was coming.

Jayne spoke seriously, and sincerely. “I done both you and your brother wrong. I am sorry for it. That don’t change here and now. I shouldn’t a done what I did, but that don’t change who I am…..or who you are.” Placing his hands on his hips, Jayne leaned forward at the waist in accusation. "And you been worried on it, scared we’d figure it out, so you must know.”

Her silence answered him.

Grimly, he continued. “But like I say, that ain’t the best way to kill ya. The best way would be to cut your throat…while you was sleepin’.”

“Eta kuram nash may” he said precisely.

River dropped her eyes, and did not fall asleep.

Stunned would be the word to describe most of the crew. Even Mal, who secretly had been relying on that as a last ditch method to stop her if she ever went crazy again. Although he never could remember the words exactly.

“Ain’t you suppose to fall down now?” Jayne asked saracastically. “I said the words right…just like doc did back at the Maidenhead.”

River dejectedly nodded agreement. “Spot on. Perfect pitch too. Right in the range that I was trained to respond to.”

“Then why ain’t you knocked out?” asked Jayne knowingly, his suspicions confirmed.

Mal could tell that everyone else in the crew was wondering the same thing. The majority of them…excepting Jayne…liked River well enough, and they’d seen her mental state certainly improve after taking on as the pilot since Miranda, but lurking in the back of most of their minds was the comforting safety net that they held over River. If she ever went a little TOO far, they could always speak a few words and knock her out. River’s news about mental improvement suddenly wasn’t so welcomed.

Jayne clapped his hands together. “I was right. I was right!”

River crossed her arms and stamped her foot. “Only because you’ve been worried about it not working every since you saw it happen. Paranoid jackass.”

“Looks like I was right to worry, don’t it?” Jayne asked mildly. River sighed dramatically and stamped around a little. “Well I guess I might as well put all my cards on the table now. Thanks a lot, Jayne!” she cried, heated.

The mercenary shrugged modestly.

“River?” Simon interrupted, confused. “Why weren’t you effected by the code?”

“That’s a funny story,” she said, her voice belying its comic nature. “After Miranda, I started doing some meditation…trying to figure out exactly what the Alliance had done to me. One evening I hit what experts call an ‘associative cognitive spiral’…basically that means that one memory—the trigger memory, in this case—will lead to other memories, or to an ingrained set of reactions. Once I found one of these associations, it wasn’t hard to find others that the Alliance placed in me. What they failed to take into account was that they would use the same surroundings—an ugly green room at the facility—as the area to conduct my ‘therapy’. Knowing that all of my implanted memories were associated with the green room allowed me to find all of them…luckily without triggering them. My handlers never meant for the green room to be my way of finding out what they had done. That was just one of the tricks that my mind…or yours, or anyone’s…might use to keep a similar experience compartmentalized.”

“Like split personalities?” asked Inara.

River nodded appreciatively at Inara’s analogy. “Something like that. Very similar in fact now that you mention it, although not as extensive in the psyche. I found that when I examined these responses that many of the associations were verbal codes that had been conditioned into me using a combination of Pavlovian factor modeling, and Skinnerian operant conditioning combined with hypnogonic drug therapy. Having made some of these associations on my own—an octopus, an owl, verbal phrases and a host of others—I was able to determine just what my reactions would be if the combination of factors was presented to me. Often via subliminal trigger.”

She tilted her head as though sharing a confidence, or lecturing a class. “Many of those actions I would have taken, you wouldn’t have liked. Things like ‘destroy the ship you are on’…’kill the next person who walks thru the door’…and, the one you’ve all seen already, ‘fall asleep’. When I dumped the green room as being an association, then those commands, although still there, were no longer able to be reached.”

“Like changing the name on a computer file without updating it. The program can’t find the program because the file name has been changed,” muttered Simon.

River looked at Simon and touched the tip of her nose. “Exactly.”

“So you ain’t gonna flip out and be a killer machine?” asked Kaylee hopefully.

River shook her head slowly. “No.” Then she temporized, “Not unless I want to. All the moves and techniques for fighting are still there. They are in a different associative grouping….a different file if you want to call it that.” River didn’t sound completely confident though.

Jayne looked not entirely satisfied with her answer either. “So you can still start kickin’ ass on whoever you want?”

She flashed a delighted grin at him, and bounced on her toes for a moment. “Yep,” she said….her look hardening.

“Thanks. What a comfort,” he hissed back.

Confused and disturbed at what others in the crew might perceive as River’s subtly threatening behavior toward Jayne, Mal considered the cause of it. The possible answer reassured him slightly. River actually WAS frightened of Jayne in some way, and she was reacting to him with such flippancy because this flippancy would appear like confidence to Jayne. Bluster and threat wouldn’t back off a man like Jayne. He’d seen enough of that. That was the sort of response that he’d see as weakness. Not that he needed calming. Just reassurance. That was why he needed a way…in his mind at least… to kill River. He had control then. Having control, he didn’t need to be scared.

Mal hated to admit it, but he sympathized.

“Is this really what River was worried about us finding out?” he asked himself. “That she’d slipped her leash? Gorramit I should have known.” Mal was seriously regretting he’d pushed this meeting now.

On the issue of Jayne, Mal understood that although she was trying to signal the lone wolf in their group to back off, she was also frightening the rest of the crew…albeit only mildly. So far anyway. Still….

“You’re talkin’ a little harshly at Jayne right now. You ain’t entertaining the idea of for real and for true killin’ us, are ya?” Mal asked with deliberate harshness.

“WHAT?! Oh God NO. Never! I don’t want any of you to think I would--” River automatically began to deny this before pausing. Carefully she looked at Mal, curious why he would charge her with this.

Mal did something he’d never tried with River before. He tried to send her a thought. “You scared the others some. Now they’ll relax a little. But Jayne’s different. He had control before. Now he doesn’t. If Jayne thinks you are mildly scared of him, he’ll relax….like two dogs circling each other that don’t fight. If he thinks you are the stronger dog, and he stands no chance, he’ll strike first.”

She nodded imperceptibly.

She addressed Jayne directly. “I DID speak harshly to you Jayne. I’m sorry.” Glancing at Mal, she continued. “I guess you frightened me a little with your talk of killing me.” Suddenly remembering an event she spiced up her alleged fear. “I still remember that backhand you gave me when I cut you.”

Jayne jumped a little at the memory…from satisfaction. “I were forgettin’ ‘bout that.” He fairly bounced on his feet, buoyed as he was by this fact. In unexpected good humor, Jayne said. “Don’t worry none it don’t sound like you’ll be cuttin’ nobody again soon.” Suddenly suspicious of being played, he asked. “Will ya?”

She shook her head. “I’m not planning on it.”

“That’s better,” Mal thought at her.

She formed an ‘okay’ sign with her fingers behind her back. Then reached up and wiped her head of a tiny drop of sweat.

Mal agreed with her movement. If she’d been trying to keep from scaring everyone, then she’d almost blown it. Wiping sweat off after you dodged a bullet wasn’t too unusual.

Inara, following all the byplay, had formed a question. “River…I accept that you bear no ill will toward us. I’m not questioning that at all. But Jayne just asked what I think is a valid question. In your sleep…or buried in your subconscious…are you certain that no further commands lay in wait to be activated? Are there some that were implanted when you weren’t in ‘the green room’?”

As a question, it was logical.

It was reasonable.

It was damning.

By her hastily dropped gaze, and her sudden shuffle of feet, everyone could tell that River was not sure. This served only to increase the unease among all of the crew.

“Oh, this day just keeps gettin’ better and better,” Mal said. Because now not only did they have a potential human time bomb on their hand, a situation Mal had been upset with before Miranda, but they now had no way to stop it…short of a bullet. Worse than that, the rest of the crew knew it. As for a serpent in the garden, you couldn’t ask for a better one than a highly accomplished, Federally funded killing machine that might suddenly flip out if she saw a funny drawing and kill every one she knew. Leaving Mal to wonder: “Who was the gorram idiot that called this meeting?”

The last sight Mal was treated to as the group broke up was River walking slowly past him, not even bothering to flash him a look of annoyance, or hatred, or even pain. Just a numb and beaten child carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Or at least the lives of the only friends and ship that she knew.

In other words, the same thing.