A/N: Thanks to Leiasky for the beta - as always!

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A NEW DAY, ch. 25: Forgive & Forget

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“They’ve gotten so big,” River breathed as she looked down into Emma’s face.

Kaylee smiled, so happy to see River bonding with her newest niece. “Yeah, well, they tend to do that,” Kaylee commented easily. She was also thrilled to have River and Jayne nearby. It warmed her heart to know that their family might still have a chance of mending, and Kaylee viewed this visit as their first step towards things maybe getting back to normal.

“River!”

Or maybe not.

The sound of Simon’s angry voice startled both women, and caused Emma to start fussing in River’s arms. Trying to hush the child, River stood and rocked her a bit, pacing up and down the length of the living room, as Simon entered from the back of the house, his eyes ablaze.

Meeting his angry gaze, River swallowed hard, guessing that somehow he knew and as Jayne rounded the corner behind him, his eyes darting to Simon and then to her, she knew that she had her husband to thank for her brother’s current mood.

Placing Emma down in a bassinet by Kaylee, River faced her brother’s gaze unflinchingly. His chest heaving with anger, he stepped close to her and dropped his voice, keeping it low so as not to upset the twins. “Tell me my family is safe,” he bit out. Kaylee let out an audible gasp at the question, her eyes widening in fear at what exactly Simon could mean, the mistrust for River that she was trying to move past beating in her chest.

Nodding once, River’s eyes immediately filled with tears as she realized the type of distress she had unwittingly caused her brother. “Yes, Simon, you’re all safe. We weren’t followed, I swear.”

“You’re sure?” Simon asked her, his tone still full of anger at what he perceived to be her carelessness.

Unable to speak, River could only nod. She watched as his gaze lost some of its fire, as Simon’s chest began to rise and lower as his breathing returned to normal. Dropping his head to his hands, he rubbed his face harshly, trying to wipe away the sudden weariness he felt.

Looking back to his sister after several more moments, he told her, “I can’t keep doing this. We can’t.”

Nodding once, River said shakily, “I know. That’s why I came. I want to fix it.”

With a look of incredulity, Simon asked her, “Do you really think you can?”

Biting her lip to keep more of her tears in, River nodded once and told him, “I have to believe so, otherwise I ….” Meeting his gaze, River tried to pour all the love and concern she felt for her brother and his family into the look. Quietly, she finished, “I have to, because I could never survive the alternative.”

“It’s okay, daddy.”

Everyone’s heads turned in the direction of the small voice and it was Rylee who stepped into the room. Her hands were folded behind her back, the evidence of tears welling in her eyes. Standing between her father and her aunt, it was Simon who received her full attention. “It’s okay. Aunt River won’t hurt us, ever again. You can trust her.”

Kneeling down to his daughter’s level, Simon took her by the shoulders and said quietly, “Sweetheart, it’s not that easy.”

“Yes, it is,” she told him firmly with only the assuredness that youth and her abilities could bring. “It is. You’re making it harder. You’re blaming her for wanting a life, like you and mama. That’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t always fair,” Simon muttered bitterly, the words out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying.

Placing a light hand to his cheek, Rylee made him meet her gaze. As Simon’s blue eyes locked with her brown, he had to gasp at the likeness she shared with his sister. He had seen it before of course, many times, but right now, in this moment, the look of pain and hope her gaze conveyed reminded him of River so clearly, he thought for sure his heart would break.

“Please, daddy. You and Aunt River, you’re broken now. You need to fix it.” Rylee’s tone was so sure, so strong that Simon had a difficult time dismissing her, but he still did it anyway.

Shaking his head, he had no words for his daughter. He could not continue to watch as her heart broke for what she was feeling from the siblings. Noting her own brother’s distress and her niece’s, River knelt down beside Rylee and turned the girl to face her.

“Rylee, baby, it’s okay. Your daddy and I, we’re adults, we’ll figure it out.” River tried to keep her voice happy and light, but Rylee knew better and she told her so.

“No, you won’t. You’ll let your pride and your hurt keep you apart and we won’t be a family anymore.” And with that last bit strangled into a sob, the girl bolted from the room, running up the stairs and slamming her door.

All the adults stood in silence, no one making a move to go after the four-year-old as they knew there was nothing they could say to ease her pain. Straightening slowly, Simon paced away from his sister, standing with his arms over his chest, gazing out the front window. The sun would be setting soon and Simon was glad, he wanted this day to be over, so he could forget it had ever happened.

“Is she right?”

It was River’s voice that reached out to him now, but Simon did not turn at the sound. He didn’t have an answer. But River kept pushing, because she wanted one, she felt she deserved one.

“Simon, is Rylee right? Are we never going to move past this?” She did her best to keep her voice steady, but the thought of losing her brother for good caused a stab of pain to shoot through her that was sharper than any gun shot or knife wound. In fact, it was unbearable and River’s hand flew to her stomach as she doubled over, trying vainly to catch her breath.

Jayne moved to her side as fast as he could, and even Kaylee, who had placed Ethan down next to his sister, rose now and entered the room fully, still regarding the incredible scene before her with wide eyes.

As River turned her head to meet Jayne’s concerned gaze, she could only whisper to him, “I told you this was a bad idea.”

Helping her to straighten up, Jayne wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her hair, “Yeah, well, next time I’ll listen t’ya.”

River tried to smile at him, but it was a useless gesture. Taking a deep breath and waiting for the pain to recede, she looked back towards her brother, who was still studying the landscape. Waiting another minute, she finally said, “Simon, I need to know.”

Releasing a huge breath, Simon finally turned to regard his family. He saw the hurt in River’s eyes, it was as he’d expected. He saw the anger in Jayne’s and the confusion in Kaylee’s and he remembered, with painful clarity his daugther’s words of just minutes before. Slowly, quietly, he said, “I think you better tell me everything about what happened on Osiris.”

“Osiris?” Kaylee asked, finally joining the conversation. Moving to stand at Simon’s side, she turned a quizzical look to River and Jayne, addressing her sister. “I thought you tol’ me you went to visit your ma.”

Nodding once, River said, “Well, we did see her, but that wasn’t the entire reason for our visit.” Taking a deep breath, she looked to Jayne noticing how pale he was at the exertion of staying on his feet. Guiding him into a chair, River watched as Simon and Kaylee sat on a couch across the room. Sitting on their hearth next to Jayne’s side, she placed a hand over his and swallowed hard before continuing.

“I went, we went, looking for the antidote.” Kaylee’s hand flew to her mouth at this admission, the severity and danger of the situation finally hitting home. Simon had already placed his hand over hers and he squeezed tightly now, hoping to calm her.

“River,” Kaylee breathed, blinking back tears. “Why? Why would you take that risk again? ‘Specially after what happened to Ry? How do you know you ain’t brought ‘em here again?”

River met Kaylee’s concerned gaze and told her honestly, “Kaylee, I promise you, I would never make that mistake twice. You all are safe here.”

Her answer was sufficient for now, especially as Kaylee knew this was the reason Simon had asked her just moments ago. Fixing her with a hard stare, she still scolded the younger woman. “River, you coulda been killed.” Glancing quickly to Jayne, she put the pieces together. “You almost were, weren’t ya?”

Nodding once, Jayne did not speak as this was River’s story to tell and she continued. “We were on Osiris for three months, working leads, making contacts, trying to crack through security systems and we were running out of options.” Pausing, River focused her eyes on her brother and smiled slightly. “I’d really thought we’d find it,” she told him. “I did. I thought it would be there, waiting. I thought when we found it that it would be a sign that I was meant to be a mom.”

Simon’s hard gaze did not soften at this admission and with more coldness building in her gut at his detachment, she cleared her throat and continued to explain. “Then I found the doctor, the man from the Academy who had synthesized the virus in the first place. The records were vague and out of date, but they alluded to a cure, so we went to see him.” Turning her eyes to Jayne, she saw that his gaze was locked on her face. Blinking back tears as she remembered that awful night, she had to pause again.

As the minutes ticked by, Simon finally asked, “What happened, River?”

Swallowing hard, River turned her watery eyes back to him and bit out, “He didn’t have it. He never made it.” Fighting back her overwhelming grief at the lost opportunity, she continued. “And then Jayne was shot and we had to go. We had to get off of Osiris and quick. We spent a few weeks making sure we weren’t being followed. The Alliance knew I was on planet, but the warrants for us, Simon, they’ve expired. Only a highly ambitious officer with a long memory would be interested in us now.”

Looking back to her husband, she murmured, “You were right.” Turning back to face Simon and Kaylee, she repeated, “You were right.” Rising, she paced the room, getting more worked up as she finally allowed the situation to hit home. “Everyone was right, I see that now. I’m sorry it took me so long, it shouldn’t have taken me so long. I risked the family I love more than anything in this ‘verse for a dream.” Turning to Simon again, her eyes were full of tears, her heart breaking as she felt distance from him still.

“Please, Simon, please forgive me for this.” Kneeling before him, she took his hands and whispered, “I know we both have our own families now, our own concerns, I know that, but …” She couldn’t finish the statement, because the more she pleaded the more she felt Simon shutting down, closing himself off from her.

Pulling back from him as if physically shocked, River backed across the room, staring at him with her tear-filled eyes. Jayne and Kaylee looked between the two siblings in confusion, trying to understand exactly what was happening. Kaylee could read the anger on her husband’s face, she had seen it before, and she had known that River’s visit could easily bring it out, but she had not expected this level of hate to color his features. And truthfully, it scared her a bit.

Reaching out, she placed a hand to his cheek, and whispered, “Sweetie?”

Not turning to meet her gaze, Simon rose instead and advanced on his sister’s trembling form. With anger in his eyes, he asked her quietly, “You think that makes it right, River? You think an apology can take away Rylee’s pain? What happened to her? It can’t, because if it could, she’d be fine by now.”

Pausing he stepped back and continued. “Do you have any idea how much Kaylee and I have apologized to her? For being inattentive, for being bad parents, for not being there when she needed us. Do you? And you know what I’ve discovered, it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ won’t fix this, because-“

“Because it didn’t fix me,” River finished for him, her voice hardly more than a whisper.

Simon blinked a bit at her words, surprised by her interruption. Shaking his head, he dropped her gaze and mumbled, “No, that’s not what I was going to say.”

Reaching out to him tentatively, River touched his shoulder, grateful when he did not back away from her. “Yes, it is. Because despite everything Rylee’s told you, everything Kaylee’s told you, everything I’ve told you, you’re still blaming yourself.”

Simon’s head snapped up at this statement and while anger again blazed there, it quickly retreated, replaced by the shame and fear he was actually feeling. River had hoped that over the past four months, Simon would have had time to come to terms with the fact that what had happened was not his fault, but she saw now, that had not been the case. If anything he had just buried those feelings of remorse deeper, ingraining them into his make-up.

Kaylee rose now at River’s words, and stood behind her husband, her hand on his back. She remembered with startling clarity her discussion with River right before she and Jayne had left Harvest. As the days and weeks had gone by and they had settled into their new life, she had assumed that Simon had worked past those feelings of guilt, so she had not pushed him to talk about them. But she would now, especially if it meant making her family whole again.

“Simon, sweetie, talk to me.” Kaylee’s insistent voice forced him to turn around and Simon instantly regretted it. He could see the fear and sadness in her eyes, on her face and knowing that he had put it there, knowing that he had again failed to protect her, from himself, only made matters worse.

“Kaylee, there’s nothing to …” Simon trailed off, honestly having no idea what to tell his beautiful wife.

Luckily, River did. “He’s still blaming himself for all that’s happened,” she stated firmly. “He blames himself for the miscarriage, because if he’d have gotten me out of the Academy sooner, he thinks it could have been prevented. And that’s what started all this.”

Turning back to his sister, it was Simon’s turn to plead silently with her. His eyes were big and he was begging her not to continue, not to lay out all of his failures before his wife. River snapped her mouth shut at the look, knowing he was serious, knowing that if Simon were to heal, he would need to come to terms with everything in his own time.

“Simon, is that true?” Kaylee tried to keep her voice from breaking, but she found it difficult the level of sadness she felt for her husband making her own heart ache for him.

Turning to look at her once more, Simon leaned down and placed a light kiss against her cheek. “I’ll be back,” he murmured into her ear and then quickly and without another look behind him, he rushed out the door and into the approaching night.

Kaylee ran after him, calling his name and stopping in the doorway. “Simon!” But he did not pause at her call, leaving her with no other choice, but to wrap her arms around herself and cry.

River went to her, and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Is he gonna be okay?” the woman begged, her whole body shaking.

Whispering to her, River said, “I think so, Kaylee. Just give him some time.” But River truthfully, didn’t know and the fear of not knowing only made it worse.

***

It was very late and Simon had not returned. After the family barely ate any supper and Kaylee had finally managed to convince the children to head to bed, with the promise that Simon would be up to kiss them good night as soon as he returned, Kaylee approached her sister.

River and Jayne were sitting on their porch, looking out at the night sky. While they had said they wanted to sit outside, Kaylee knew it had been River’s insistence that had driven them out there; she was waiting just as anxiously for Simon to return.

Sitting beside her on the top step, Kaylee placed her hand over River’s and got the younger woman to meet her gaze. “Please,” she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion. “Please bring him home.”

Nodding once, River placed a kiss to Kaylee’s cheek and then turned to kiss her husband. “I’ll be back soon, don’t worry,” she told him, before getting up and sprinting into the night, her brother’s pain shining a light to him that was brighter to her than any star.

As Jayne and Kaylee watched her form fade, Jayne sighed heavily and took a sip of his now cold coffee. “Don’t worry, yeah right.”

***

Simon had actually not gone very far. He had walked a ways, heading to the east of his new home were a small stream ran just inside a stand of trees. River picked her way through, careful of the branches that were intent on biting at her hair and skin and found him, sitting on a big rock, looking down at the water.

Approaching him slowly, she crawled up onto the rock beside him, and they sat in silence for a few moments, both of them listening to the sound of the running water, and looking up occasionally to all the stars. Aberdeen was by no means industrialized, and so the night sky was clear, giving stargazers the chance to see more constellations, identify more burning worlds than most planets in the known galaxy put together.

It was a spectacular view, but it was not the reason Simon was out here. He was hiding, and River had determined it was time for that to stop. Placing a light hand over one of his, she wrapped their fingers together and told him softly, “Come on, time to go home.”

Shaking his head, Simon would not move from his seat, but River did not drop her hold on him. “Simon, your family needs you and misses you. Kaylee is worried to death. You need to go home.”

With another shake of his head and a heavy sigh, Simon allowed his chin to drop to his chest. Looking at their intertwined hands, Simon reached out with his other and traced over her small fingers. “I’ll only end up failing them again, like I did with you.”

Frowning at him, River told him, “Simon, none of that was ever your fault. It was father’s.”

His eyes locking onto her gaze at this statement, Simon told her, “But I should have known. I should have been able to-“

“Save me?” she asked, her own eyes lighting with a familiar look of disdain. “Simon, come on, you were twenty-one. You had just become one of the youngest surgeons ever on staff at the best hospital in Capitol City. You were on top of the world. No one expected you to come home and make sure your father didn’t sell your baby sister to a group of mad scientists masquerading as a government-sponsored academy.” Leaning towards him, she nudged him playfully and whispered, “I mean, that’s just crazy.”

He smiled slightly at her retelling of those fateful events. “I still could have stopped it,” he commented wistfully.

Her gaze again hardening, River reached out and placed a cool hand to his cheek, getting him to turn his head to her and lock his eyes on her face. “No, you couldn’t have, Simon. The sooner you come to terms with that, the quicker you’ll be able to come to terms with all of it.”

Simon didn’t want to believe her. He honestly didn’t know if he could let go of the anger he felt towards himself for his own shortcomings. He had been living with it for a pretty long time now and he feared the absence of it, almost as much as he feared the presence. “It’s too hard. It is my fault. Some of it at least, more than I want to admit.”

“No,” she told him firmly. Allowing her voice to drop to a low whisper, she did admit, “Unlike what happened to Rylee, which was my fault.”

Turning to regard her with an incredulous look, Simon blinked quickly, trying to determine if River had just admitted her part in his daughter’s abduction and torture; he was pretty sure she had.

Nodding once at his unspoken question, River said, “Yes, Simon, it was me. It was my selfishness, my drive to find something I thought for sure I was entitled to. My snooping brought father to Harvest and put Rylee in harm’s way. You and Kaylee were right to be furious with me.” Dropping her eyes to the water below, she murmured, “I’m sorry it took me so long to admit it.”

“But you saved her,” Simon added, not at all sure why, after so many months of just wanting River to admit her responsibility, he suddenly felt the need to relieve her guilt.

Smiling slightly, she told him, “Of course, I did. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her or you or Daniel or Kaylee or those twins.” Turning back to look at him, Simon saw her love for his family shining in her eyes. “You are my family, Simon. I would never forsake you, not any of you.”

“Unlike me,” he added dryly, guessing that was where she’d been going.

Shaking her head quickly, River told him, “No, I already told you, you were right to blame me. You were right to take them away, to protect them. Your family should be your first priority, always.”

Looking to her, Simon read her profile like an open book. It was full of emotion that he could see even in the starlight. Full of her commitment to her family, full of love and loyalty to them – full of guilt and sadness for the grief and pain she had caused that she could never apologize for.

Reaching out, Simon turned her face to him and rested his hand lightly to her cheek. Swallowing hard, he told her, “But you’re my family too, mei mei.”

At his statement a few of her tears fell and River held his gaze, waiting and hoping that maybe she could really be his ‘mei mei’ again. And then, with no warning and no other words, Simon tugged gently on the hand she held and pulled her to him in a tight embrace. River fell against him, trying to hold in her sobs, but unable to do so. She felt such immense relief as his forgiveness washed over her that she had to let it out, she had to cry

Burying her head in his shoulder, she kept repeating, “I’m so sorry, Simon. I’m so sorry.”

Simon ran his hand down through her hair, and along her back, trying to calm her. “It’s okay, River,” he told her quietly, not realizing until this moment how much he had missed his sister. “We’re all going to be okay.”

She nodded once and then just let him hold her. There was a comfort that she felt in his embrace that she had never felt in Jayne’s and while she loved her husband with all her heart, she knew that Simon’s love and care for her, when she had been so broken, were the only reason she could love anyone now with her whole heart.

Once her sobs had stopped and she was again able to speak, she pulled back from him and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Is it really okay?” she asked him quietly, still needing to be sure.

Nodding once, Simon reached out and wiped at her tears as well. “I think so. As long as Kaylee can forgive me.”

“Kaylee’s never blamed you,” River told him firmly. Noting the protest he was about to raise, she countered it quickly, saying, “Even then. I know what she said when Rylee was gone. She was hurting and she lashed out. And she’s already apologized for it, so you can’t keep holding it against her.” Placing a hand to his cheek, she told him with a smile, “She loves you, you boob.”

Chuckling at her, Simon took the hand she held to his face and kissed it lightly, before hopping down off the rock and helping her alight to the ground. As she jumped down, River felt another twinge in her gut and winced a bit. Simon’s concern immediately heightened, he asked, “Mei mei?”

She smiled to him and felt the pain recede. “It’s nothing, maybe my scar. It’s been bothering me lately.”

Frowning, Simon wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’ll check it in the morning. You shouldn’t still be feeling that type of pain.”

River nodded once, and leaned against him as they walked back in silence to their family.

***