Title: Pirenity Author: Goldy Disclaimer: Firefly does not belong to me. Summary: The crew dresses up as pirates for Halloween. Yes. Really. Post-BDM. Pairings: Mal/Inara, and some Simon/Kaylee. Word Count: 2, 755 A/N: Originally written for Halloween, a little bit crackfic-y, a lot shippy.

**

His first mate was wearing an eye patch. An eye patch. Worse, there were colourful trinkets littering the galley table—green frothing drinks, festive handfuls of candy, and twisted snarled things. With little triangular eyes that glowed.

Ai ya. Not none of it made any sense.

“Kaylee, what… what are they, exactly?”

Kaylee’s beam actually made him step backwards a few inches. “Jack-o-lanterns! Ain’t they just the cutest things ever?”

Her hair was done up in ringlets and she was wearing a polka-dotted dress, apparently under some sort of false impression that it made her look like a pirate. Looked more like she was about to go up into the mountains and take up yodeling, but he didn’t quite have the heart to tell her so.

Mal studied the horribly deformed faces. “Yeah. Cute. Listen, they ain’t gonna catch fire or nothing, are they?”

“Aww, Cap’n, don’t you worry,” Kaylee said. “You should try’n enjoy yourself. ‘Bout time we all relaxed some, after…”

Kaylee faltered, trailing off into silence.

Mal sighed. Hell, anything that made Zoe smile couldn’t be bad. Only reason he let Kaylee get away with this fèi huà Halloween shindig.

“Anyway, you gotta dress up!” Kaylee said. “All of us gotta, or won’t be the same!”

“I don’t dress up.”

“Sure ya’ do, Cap’n. You do all the time—‘cause you like ‘em dresses—” Kaylee’s eyes brightened—”Simon!”

What? Mal mouthed, before turning and getting an eyeful of the doctor. He yelped.

Simon’s once-smooth chin was covered in a clump of thick hair—thick, curly brown hair.

“I don’t—” Simon fidgeted with the hair, pressing one finger into it experimentally. It made Mal go a little cross-eyed, truth be told, what with the gaping and all. “Do you think it looks… authentic?”

Mal wasn’t rightfully sure how to answer that.

Much to his relief, Kaylee got there first. “Aww, it’s real shiny, honey!” she dropped her voice. “Even all scruffy like ya’ are, you still make the best lookin’ pirate!”

“Hey!” Mal said.

“After the Cap’n,” Kaylee amended.

Simon seemed reassured. “River helped,” he said. “I think she enjoyed it more than I did.” Simon looked down at what Kaylee was wearing, and then back into her face. “And you are… no—let me guess—” Simon fiddled with the back of his ear—“uh, the…”

“Oh, do you like?” Kaylee said, taking a step back and curtseying.

“Yes, it’s…” Simon paused, before saying, “it suits you.”

Kaylee grinned, and reached up a hand to pat Simon on his… very hairy cheek. “Ooh, feels all… coarse,” Kaylee whispered.

Definitely turning into a conversation Mal didn’t want to be a part of.

“Great,” Mal said. “I’ll just…”

“Mistletoe,” Kaylee crooned, nose against the doctor’s.

Mal looked up. Damn. “Ain’t mistletoe for Christmas—”

Clearly, that did not matter to Kaylee and Simon.

He backed up rather hastily, before turning and smacking into someone. Someone warm. And soft. And not pulling away overly quickly. Generously providing him with the opportunity to get a whiff of her hair.

“Oh—Mal, hi.”

“Inara….” Suddenly curious, he eyed her up and down, feeling a touch of disappointment. “You didn’t dress up.”

“On the contrary,” Inara said, smiling. “I believe it is you who didn’t dress up.”

“Well… yeah,” he said. He studied the carefully placed hair, a few soft strands escaping her bun to frame her face… the shapely dress, designed to show off her curves, the swell of the top of her breasts. He swallowed. Audibly. “But you… I mean, you always dress…”

One eyebrow arched upwards. “Yes?”

“You always… I mean, you always look….” The swallow came again, and he searched his suddenly very blank mind for something suave, possibly even charming. “…like that.”

“Hmm,” Inara said. “As complimentary as that is, I did, indeed, dress up.”

“Yeah?” Mal said. “And you’re parading as, what, exactly?”

“A princess,” Inara said primly.

“A princess.”

She nodded, and said, quite seriously, “I imagine I was engaged to marry a rich and handsome nobleman—”

“I’ll bet.”

“—before I was kidnapped by a ship full of pirates to be held for ransom.”

“And is your noble prince on his way to rescue you?”

Inara leaned forward again, thus ensuring he got another gratuitous whiff of her hair.

“Of course,” she said mildly. “But princess Inara had secretly been hoping for more adventure in her life.”

“Is that so?”

“It is,” Inara said. “And she has proved herself to be quite resourceful.”

“Sounds like she didn’t much want to marry his Royal Pompousness,” Mal said.

Inara frowned. “I never said he was pompous.”

“It was implied.”

She eyed him for a moment, before leaning in close to him, her voice dropping to a husky tone, “And as you know, the princess is always ravished by the pirates’ Captain.”

His blood. Suddenly going places that weren’t his head.

“That is… huh…”

Inara pulled away with a self-satisfied smirk.

It took Mal perhaps a mite too long to stop staring with his mouth hanging open.

So it was understandable that Jayne slapping him on the back would be surprising. That he might even be forgiven for stumbling forward a few feet.

“Chùsheng xai-jiao de xiang huo,” Mal spat, recovering his dignity (such as it was), as best he could. “What are—“ Mal narrowed his eyes. “What happened to your leg?”

“Oh, uh…” Jayne leaned back and wiggled his leg in the air—or what was left of it.

“Is that… where the hell is your foot?”

“Wooden leg,” Jayne said proudly. “Real good looking, ain’t it? River set it up.”

“Don’t know if I should be asking, but you sure she didn’t chop it off?”

Jayne blinked, bending over to study the wooden stump that was once a foot. “Don’t rightly think so, Mal.”

“Cap’n!” Kaylee called out. “Mistletoe!”

Mal looked up. What was she thinking, planting that stuff all over the place?

He glanced back at Jayne. Who was still studying his wooden leg.

Well, there was for certain no power in the ‘verse that could get him to kiss Jayne.

“Bad luck, not kissing, Cap’n,” Kaylee yelled again.

“It ain’t Christmas!” Mal hollered back.

“Yet!” Kaylee called.

Mal edged towards Zoe, doing his best to ignore the twisted pumpkin faces, and the way his crew had made a beeline for the bowl of brown candy on the table.

Zoe was propped up against the counter, languidly sipping a drink. “Having a good time, sir?”

Mal grunted, reaching for one of the green frothing drinks himself. Might even be a relief if it killed him.

“It’s always such a treat, watchin’ a man’s crew parade around and make fools of themselves,” Mal said. “Shame it don’t happen more often.”

A small smile curled at her lips. “Should’a dressed up, sir. Would fit in better.”

“I don’t dress up.” Mal paused. “Well, okay—when there’s a job, or I need a disguise… but I don’t dress up for Halloween. Ain’t… proper.”

Zoe delicately adjusted her eye-patch. “Never was a holiday Wash liked better.”

Mal glanced at her, surprised—she so rarely brought Wash up. But her smile was only wistful, not unhappy, and Mal relaxed.

“Don’t reckon it’ll hurt us overly much, then, to carry on the tradition,” Mal said, taking a sip of his drink. “Do him proud.”

Zoe smirked. “Especially if there’s ravishing.”

Mal spat his drink back out, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You heard that?”

Zoe nodded.

“Tianna,” Mal said. “Everyone heard.”

Zoe nodded again. “Think Jayne’s awful disappointed he didn’t dress up as the Captain his own self.”

Mal rubbed at his forehead. “This can’t be—”

“Ain’t there a policy on this boat against shipboard romances?” Zoe said. “Something ‘bout it being messy and complicated?”

“Yeah, well,” Mal said. “I don’t count.”

“Why not?”

“Cause it’s my rule,” Mal said. “And I’m Captain.”

Zoe’s eyebrows raised half a tick before settling back down again. “I see, sir.”

***

Kaylee was having a miserable time. It weren’t fair. Whole thing had been her idea, after all. Worse—Jayne was eating all the candy, and she hadn’t even had any yet!

Turned out Simon’s beard weren’t exactly the best idea. Sort of hurt to kiss him, him being all scratchy and the like. So he tried to pull the thing off—only half his skin came off with it, so he rushed off to the infirmary, bleeding all over the floor.

Not nobody cared, neither. Zoe was downing her fourth cocktail, head bopping up and down to music only she could hear. Jayne’s eyes were glazed over, his chin propped up on his hand. Probably ‘cause of a sugar high. From eating all her candy. And Captain was so distracted trying to get into Inara’s pants, he probably wouldn’t notice if Serenity’s engine blowed up and killed them all.

“Inara’s not wearing any pants.”

Kaylee jumped, one of her ringlet pigtails nearly colliding with River’s head. “River? Why—when did ya’… what?” Kaylee squinted. “Is that a parrot sittin’ on your shoulder?”

“Your reasoning is flawed,” River said. “About the Captain. Inara’s not wearing pants.”

“Not wearing pants!” the parrot crooned. “Not wearing pants!”

“River, you know you ain’t supposed to be listening to our thoughts!” Kaylee said. “Some of the stuff we’re thinkin’ is s’posed to be private, sweetie.”

“You were feeling sorry for yourself,” River said. “I couldn’t help it.”

“Couldn’t help it!” the parrot repeated. “Private thoughts! Couldn’t help it!”

River absently patted the parrot on the head.

Kaylee screwed up her nose. “River, why do you got a parrot?”

“I’m in costume,” River explained. “All pirates have parrots. It’s in the readings.”

“In the readings!” the parrot said. “Pirates parrots! In the readings!”

“…oh,” Kaylee said. “Well, that’s nice.”

The parrot caught a mouthful of River’s hair in its mouth, and happily began chewing.

Kaylee edged away.

She wandered over to the Captain and Inara, putting on her best pout. She was still feeling sore about Simon having to go to the infirmary and all.

They were leaning awful close to each other, flirting in a way that was… well, kind of icky. Weren’t anything Kaylee wanted more than for Mal and Inara to be happy. But she didn’t much want to see it. It was like that time she wandered home from the docks and caught her Ma and Pa smooching on the couch, clothes strewn all over the floor. Knew they did it, else she wouldn’t have been born, but that didn’t mean they had to go and be public about it.

Also, they didn’t seem particularly inclined to acknowledge her presence.

“You do look different,” Mal said, tipping his drink towards Inara.

“I told you, I dressed up.”

“That… is not dressing up. Jayne wearing a wooden leg is dressing up. You are not dressed up.”

Inara half-smirked, and let her gaze drop down to her dress—more precisely what was coming out of her dress. Two rounds things, to be exact.

“A little padding,” Inara admitted, “and they’re not usually so perfectly set—”

“No, uh… I see—I mean, I get what you… yeah. Not that you ain’t—you’ve always been very well endowed, you know, if one was looking… pass me that drink?”

“Mal.”

“Drink.”

Kaylee decided that would be a wise time to clear her throat. With what looked like great reluctance, they turned to look at her.

“Kaylee—is everything alright, sweetie?” Inara said, looking as composed as ever—like she hadn’t just been openly talking about her breasts with the Captain.

Kaylee took a moment to file Inara’s technique away in the back of her mind. Could come in handy one day.

She shook her head.

Mal shot her a look that clearly said: my-ship-better-damn-well-be-on-fire-if-you-don’t-want-to-get-tossed-overboard.

“It’s Simon,” Kaylee said, feeling herself get tearful. “Went off to the infirmary earlier. ‘Cause he was bleeding.”

Mal and Inara gave her blank stares.

“Why was he bleeding?” Mal finally said.

Kaylee sniffed. “He pulled off his beard.”

“His beard?” Inara asked.

Mal smiled at the memory. “Yeah, ugly lookin’ thing—”

“Well, he ain’t wearing it now!” Kaylee said, horribly disappointed by their utter lack of sympathy. “And he could’ve caught any manner of diseases.”

“How’s about you go down to the infirmary,” Mal said, real slow too, like she was some sort of stupid, “and see how he’s doing?”

“Oh, Mal, that wouldn’t be right,” Inara said. “Poor Simon.”

Kaylee nodded, touched by Inara’s concern.

River’s parrot squawked from across the room. “Mistletoe!” Squawk. “Mistletoe!”

Mal’s head snapped over. “Is that… a parrot?”

Inara followed his gaze. “I think it’s adorable.”

“It’s eating River’s hair.”

“They do seem quite attached.”

“Simon!” Kaylee cried, waving her arms to get their attention. “He’s probably feelin’ all lonesome, too, left out of the party like he is.”

Jayne rolled over onto his arm, his snore loud enough to make the table vibrate.

“Some party,” Mal said. “Whirlgig of fun.”

“Mal, we should go,” Inara said. “Kaylee’s right.”

Kaylee nodded earnestly.

Mal sighed and pushed in his chair. “This is the last time. Last time with costumes.”

***

“Simon!” Kaylee said, shriek loud enough to make Mal wince. She rushed into the infirmary, coming up short at Simon’s immobile form.

“I think he fell asleep,” Inara said, tilting her head.

“Kaylee,” Mal said. “Just what was in that candy?”

“Dunno,” Kaylee said, fretfully brushing Simon’s hair back. “Bought it from the nicest merchant, back on Persephone. Said he was giving me a special deal on account of my honest smile.” She leaned closer to Simon, inspecting his chin. “He’s still got little pieces of hair stuck to himself.”

“Oh, well…” Inara trailed off. “I’m sure… given enough time, you’ll both learn to adjust.”

Kaylee frowned at the thought. “But he has the smoothest cheek, ‘Nara. Kissing scruffy men ain’t half as sexy as I thought it would be.”

Kaylee jabbed Simon in the shoulder, hope dying in her eyes when he didn’t wake up.

Inara caught Mal’s eye and suppressed a smirk.

“I’m thinking little Kaylee here might have got herself scammed,” Mal said quietly. “Sounds like some hwoon dahn’s idea of a practical joke.”

“Don’t tell her,” Inara whispered back. “You know how she gets.”

Mal nodded, and then paused. “Did you have any candy?”

Inara shook her head. “Why?”

“No reason…” he trailed off, before planting on a smile and saying quite loudly, “Doc’ll be fine come morning, little Kaylee. Why don’t you get yourself back to that party of yours? Still some drinks leftover. And Zoe could use the company.”

“I suppose so, Cap’n,” Kaylee said. “He just… looks all vulnerable, sleeping like so. Don’t he?”

“Like a newborn babe,” Mal said. Kaylee leaned over to kiss Simon’s cheek—realizing her mistake a moment too late. She pulled away and pressed her fingers to her mouth, shooting Simon’s sleeping form a dirty look in the process.

Inara sighed after Kaylee left, settling down on the empty hospital bed. “Well… that was an exciting evening.” She caught Mal looking at her. “What?”

“I like it,” he managed. “Your costume. You look… nice. Hell, you look beautiful. Always do.”

Inara beamed at the compliment, smile faltering only when Simon rolled over and snorted in his sleep.

“Appears we’re running out our welcome,” Mal said. “Guess the only thing left for me to do is offer to escort a princess to her shuttle.”

“I don’t think pirates escort anyone, Mal,” Inara said sadly.

“What? Pirates can’t have levels?”

Inara shook her head. “No, pirate rules are very specific. It’s all adventure and action—stealing buried treasure, kidnapping princesses, rav—‘”

“Alright,” Mal said, holding out a hand. “So I ain’t a pirate. More about rescuing the damsel, obviously. I’d make a fine prince.”

“Hmm,” Inara said. “That’s one way of looking at it.”

“Is that so?” Mal said.

“Unfortunately,” Inara said. “I don’t do too well with the damseling.” She paused. “I could walk you to your bunk.”

“Could,” Mal said. “You planning on taking advantage of me when we get there?”

Inara eyed him up and down. Her tongue flicked out to wet her lips. “I might be.”

From the other hospital bed, Simon contentedly folded his hands under his ear, giving a great yawn.

They ignored him.

“In that case,” Mal said, holding out a hand. “I’ll be willing to take the risk. It’s what us noble types do.”