A/N: Warning - Here, there be angst!

Thanks to all for the comments, you guys have been just great!

And thanks again to Leiasky for all the beta work and for always giving me the kick in the butt I need to keep going.

***

Best Intentions, ch. 7

***

The first day of Kaylee’s disappearance, Simon and Inara packed their things and left the estate hurriedly. Inara had already arranged for an apartment for them in the city, one owned by the Guild. It was a beautiful penthouse, high up in the city’s center, but neither of them enjoyed it; they were barely there as they searched all day and night for Kaylee, returning only when their bodies dictated the need for sleep. With an almost disgusted snort they both realized, that under any other circumstances, Liliana and Edward Serra would be thrilled at the two of them sharing an opulent penthouse together.

On the second day, Simon and Inara split up. The young woman headed to House Madrassa asking her friends and fellow Companions to look for Kaylee when they were out in public, she figured the more eyes they had searching the better off they would be. Simon, fearing the worst, canvassed the area hospitals and emergency rooms. He asked to speak with Doctor Butler when he went to Sihnon Memorial and the man promised he would keep an eye out. Simon liked him.

The third day brought more of the same. This time they started with all the mechanics shops down by the port, asking if a young woman fitting Kaylee’s description had come looking for work. They were always turned away, each negative response bruising Inara and Simon’s hearts as they tried not to despair.

When they started searching the city’s hotels, it became difficult to get any information. In a place like Sihnon, discretion was more than the better part of valor, it was a way of life. Attempting to bribe or wheedle information from the front desk clerks at any of the facilities was tantamount to breaking out of an Alliance prison. Since Simon had some experience with that, he felt they had a chance, but as the fourth day wound to a close, they were again empty handed.

Not wanting to, but knowing they needed to exhaust every option, Inara and Simon did check the prisons and jails on the fifth day, thinking that Kaylee might have been caught and wrongfully imprisoned. Grateful this time when they walked away with nothing, they did get a minor lead that evening as they settled for a quick dinner at an outdoor café. The maitre’d said he’d seen a girl matching Kaylee’s description the first day she’d been gone, but she had not been back since and he did not know where she’d been heading. With an apologetic smile he walked away, leaving them both deflated.

As the sixth day turned into seven, Simon finally found himself losing hope. The longer they went without finding her the more he feared the worst. He knew that Kaylee could not have gotten off planet so quickly. While they did have some money from their last job, it wasn’t enough to get her anywhere. Where could she be? Having no answers, it was late when Simon returned to the penthouse he was sharing with Inara. Noting that his friend was not home yet, he wandered out to the roof where he could see the city at night in all its glory. It was an absolutely beautiful place and the realization only made his eyes burn. Kaylee should be here with him now, he should be holding her and telling her he loved her and naming shooting stars after her … she should be here.

Pounding his fist against the roof’s railing, he took a deep breath and tried to swallow back his fear. He didn’t know what he’d do if he couldn’t find her. After Simon had met Kaylee, a little over a year ago now, he’d been unable to picture his life without her. Even before they’d been together, when he’d just been an idiot, saying and doing all the wrong things, he’d quickly grown accustomed to her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes shone with an internal light. She was unlike anyone Simon had ever known. He’d wanted to be close before Miranda, wanted it very badly, but River had taken up all his attention and most of his time. He’d been driven by a deep, almost inhuman need to help his sister and that had eclipsed everything and everyone else.

Except Kaylee; her bright, sunny smile had always managed to peek through the cracks and reach him at his worst moments. Just like it had before the Reaver battle; just as it had when he’d finally woken, his body still healing from his gunshot wound; just as it had when they’d finally succumbed to their passions and given into their desires; just as it had everyday since he’d been wandering out in the black.

Life could be lonely, Simon knew that firsthand. His life on Osiris had been full of people, but meaningless. His life up until a week ago had been full of Kaylee and that had been more than enough. He was angry at her and himself for not making that plain; for being unable to convince her that she was all he needed. He would do better if he ever again got the chance – no, when he again got the chance.

“Hey.”

Simon turned abruptly at the call and met Inara’s weary gaze. Sighing heavily, he asked, “Anything?”

Joining him on the terrace, she moved to his side and mimicked his posture, her elbows resting on the railing. Shaking her head slowly, she muttered, “No.”

They stood in silence for a while watching the stars and the lights. It was a tension filled quiet, as both of them tried to refrain from saying what they really felt. Neither of them wanted to admit defeat.

“Do you think she …?” Simon couldn’t finish the question and so he didn’t, blinking quickly as his eyes again burned.

“No,” Inara told him firmly, placing a light hand to his arm. As he turned to face her, she saw the sadness in his eyes and she felt a few tears of her own pool in her eyes. “No, Simon, she’s not dead. She’s not. We just have to keep looking.”

“But where?” His voice was a strangled cry as he let his desperation seep through. “We’ve looked everywhere.”

“Then we’ll look again,” Inara told him firmly, refusing to give into her own fear. She really wished Mal were here. “She couldn’t have just disappeared, Simon. She has to be somewhere.”

“Why?” Simon’s voice was a whisper, but Inara heard it and waited for him to continue. As he fell onto a lounge chair, his head in his hands he asked again, “Why did she do it?”

“She thought she was making the right choice for you both,” Inara tried to rationalize. She didn’t agree with her friend, not in the slightest. Inara knew firsthand how difficult relationships could be, and yet somehow she and Mal had made it work; granted it had only been four months, but still – Inara had to believe it was just the beginning of something true and lasting.

Moving again to Simon’s side, Inara sat beside him and continued quietly. “Kaylee is my dearest friend, Simon and trust me, I know she loves you.” As Simon turned a startled gaze to her, Inara confided, “Whose shuttle does she visit quite frequently?” Smiling slightly at her, he nodded once and she continued. “But she has always had a tiny fear that even after you finally noticed her, even after the two of you were together, she wouldn’t be enough for you. You and I may think it’s ridiculous, but it’s what Kaylee feels. And being here, especially with my wretched excuse for a family, just brought those insecurities to the surface.”

“Inara, I can’t live without her,” Simon whispered, surprised to be stating his emotions so plainly. “I just can’t. She thinks that I want this kind of life again,” he said, gesturing to the apartment and the city around them. “But it’s meaningless without her. I wish I knew how to convince her of that.” Dropping his chin to his chest, he muttered, “I hope I get the chance.”

“You will,” Inara said firmly, placing an arm around his shoulder and squeezing him to her comfortingly. Smiling to her, Simon nodded once and they again sat in silence.

Rising, Inara pulled him to his feet. “Come on, I’ll bet you haven’t eaten today.”

Frowning at her, Simon said, “You go ahead, I’m really not hungry.”

Fixing him with a firm look that Simon had only ever seen directed at the captain, she told him, “Simon Tam, you’re not going to do anyone any good by starving yourself. You’re going to eat.”

Knowing the kind of cold shoulder he could get if he refused, Simon followed her into the apartment, turning before he did to take in one last look at the beautiful night. “Come back to me Kaylee,” he whispered to the moon.

***

It was night time again and Kaylee hated it. She could never sleep when the darkness came and the stars appeared. She had been working and living in the temple for a week now, but barely sleeping. With a heavy sigh, she rolled off her mat and padded out into the building’s courtyard, pulling her knees into her chest as she sat on a stone bench and gazed up at the moon.

She felt more tears come and she cried them, knowing it was useless to fight it. Her sadness had not diminished since she’d arrived; she felt a bit more peaceful, but no less sad and no less lonely. She still missed Simon, wanted Simon, but she knew that was still an impossible dream.

Burying her face in her knees her shoulders shook a bit with her tears and she jumped as a light hand touched her shoulder. Looking up she saw Dasya standing over her, the normal look of concern and peace coloring his features. He was the monk who had greeted her that first day and they had developed a nice rapport; he was a good man, kind and caring and he reminded her a bit of the Shepherd.

Wiping her cheeks she smiled weakly at him and said quietly, “Sorry, I hope my cryin’ didn’t wake ya.”

“Not at all Kaylee,” Dasya said softly, sitting beside her. “But it seems a shame to be crying on a night such as this. The stars and moon are apt to be offended.”

Glancing up at the sky, Kaylee nodded once and sighed. “Oh, they sure are pretty, I just …”

“You are missing your friends, your beloved,” Dasya finished for her. It hadn’t taken much prodding for Kaylee to confess her whole story to the man, and he had been trying in his gentle, non-threatening way to give her advice all week. He had talked to her about inner peace and listening to her heart, but Kaylee had consistently rebuffed him, doing her best to hold firm to her decision. But her resolve was fading.

Nodding once, Kaylee unfolded her legs and said, “Yes. I’m missin’ Simon somethin’ fierce.”

Taking her hand in his, the man asked, “Then why don’t you go to him, child?” As Kaylee’s protest rose to her lips, Dasya raised a finger and said, “Yes, of course, I know. You feel that you are holding him back, preventing him from leading a different kind of life.” Kaylee nodded and he continued. “But Kaylee, I have asked you a few different times this week if he’s ever told you as much. And you know what? You’ve never answered my question.”

Swallowing hard, Kaylee knew that was true; she had been avoiding that one answer because she knew it completely nullified most of her concerns. Taking a deep breath, she finally admitted, “No, he’s never told me that. In fact, when I asked him about it, he said he didn’t want that life if I wasn’t in it. He said we could figure it out.”

“And why did you not believe him?” Dasya questioned, seeing that Kaylee had finally started to find enlightenment.

Shrugging lightly, she said, “I dunno.”

As he frowned at her, Kaylee again sighed and stood, pacing away from him. Wrapping her arms around herself, Kaylee wished, with every bone and muscle that Simon was with her now. He should be here holding her, telling her he loved her and she him, wishing on shooting stars … he should be here.

“I think you do know, Kaylee,” Dasya told her, his soft voice reaching her through her musings. “And I think that once you truly listen, the answers you need will be illuminated.”

Rising he stood before her and placed a light hand to her forehead. “This will only prevent you from achieving what you desire, from getting what you want.” Placing another hand lightly against her heart, he said, “This will allow it to happen. The heart is stronger than the mind, Kaylee. Stop letting the weaker voice dominate you.”

And with those words of wisdom he was gone again into the night and Kaylee was alone. Blinking back a few more tears, she wandered back to the bench and sat heavily on the cold stone. Wrapping her legs underneath her, she closed her eyes and focused her breathing as Dasya had taught her. Inara had taught her too once, trying to get her to meditate after Early had been on board and she’d been scared all the time. But Kaylee hadn’t taken to it then as she did now.

Breathing in and out and concentrating only on that rhythmic sound and her heartbeat, Kaylee silenced everything else but what her heart was saying. And then she listened.

***

The next morning Kaylee awoke, excited for the first time in a while. Sending a wave to Serenity and unable to get an answer, Kaylee swallowed her feelings of unease as she sent a wave to the Serras. She didn’t want to call them, but she had to find Simon, and she was prepared to do whatever it took.

It was Lili who the servant summoned to the screen and fixing the woman with one of her brightest smiles, Kaylee said, “Good mornin’, Lili. I hope you slept well.”

The woman’s jaw fell slack at the sight of Kaylee. “Oh, Kaylee, my dear, are you all right? We’ve been worried sick about you.”

Doubting that were true, Kaylee kept her skepticism to herself as she said, “Yes, ma’am, I’m just fine. Just needed some time to myself, is all. I’m actually waving to find Simon. I can’t get a hold o’ Serenity.”

“Oh, well, Simon’s not here, dear. He and Inara left the morning you disappeared.” Lili watched the younger woman, noting how her face fell, just the tiniest bit, at this information.

“Oh, they did?” Kaylee swallowed thickly, unwilling to give the other woman the satisfaction of knowing how disappointed she was. “Did they say where they was goin’?”

Shaking her head slightly, Lili lied. “No, dear. I’m sorry, they didn’t. Do you want my help finding them?”

Not wanting to be beholding to her, Kaylee shook her head once and said, “No ma’am, that’s fine. I’m sure I can track ‘em down.” She flipped off the screen hurriedly, knowing she couldn’t keep the look of sadness from her features for a second longer.

Where could they have gone? Kaylee wracked her brain, trying to think of what Simon and Inara would do, especially since Serenity wasn’t around. Trying to quell her rising discomfort, she decided that she’d pack her things and set out to look for them just after the noon meal. They had to be somewhere and she would find them, maybe by starting at Inara’s old training house; she had mentioned to Kaylee she wanted to go visit with her friends.

Knowing she had a plan, Kaylee got ready to leave and then went to prepare lunch, he heart and soul feeling light for the first time in a long time.

***

“You got the trace, didn’t you?”

“Yes, Mrs. Serra, we did.” The man who looked to her now was rough around the edges, someone that Inara’s Malcolm would probably associate with, but not an upstanding woman like Liliana Serra.

“So, when can you do it?”

“We’re staking out the place now, as soon as the girl comes out, we’ll be sure to get her off planet. You won’t have to worry about her no more.” The man’s tone was harsh and a bit threatening, which only made Lili smile with content.

“Good.”

***

Kaylee had only taken a few steps from the monastery when she felt eyes following her. All of her years on Serenity had served her well, and she knew she was being watched, possibly tracked. Trying not to alter her gait too noticeably, Kaylee kept her head high, moving forward with purpose. At the next corner, she crossed sides of the street, surreptitiously glancing over her shoulder and finding the man who was trying not to be noticed. He was following her.

Her breath quickening as she feared the worst, Kaylee sped up a bit, weaving and darting through the other pedestrians. The man quickened his pace as well, still staying a good ten steps behind her, but not letting her get away. Kaylee was panting now, and people were staring at her as she dodged past, but she didn’t care; she needed to get somewhere safe.

Deciding to try and circle back to the monastery, she crossed the street again, this time darting out into traffic instead of crossing at a corner. And that was the last thing Kaylee remembered.

***

“Take us into the world, River,” Mal instructed, watching as the girl had already started to drop Serenity through Ariel’s upper atmosphere. Mal had been all manner of nervous about landing on a planet like this one, but the codes and clearances Edward and his contact had supplied them with had panned out. Now with an audible sigh, they were on their way to the meet.

“Not out of the woods yet.”

River’s small voice startled Mal from his musings and with a curious expression, he turned to regard her. She had not pulled her eyes from the controls, and she did not turn to look at him even as he continued to stare. “What’s that now, lil’ one?”

“Still lost,” she said softly. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment and when they reopened she did bring them to his face, causing Mal’s breath to hitch in his throat. They were so big, so open, so innocent and at this very moment, so very scared. “Still lost in the woods.”

Going to her side, Mal knelt in front of her and rested a light hand to her shoulder. “Who is, darlin’?”

Swallowing hard, River thought about not telling him, about keeping it a secret, but she knew that wouldn’t be fair. Locking her brown eyes on his blue, she said quietly, “All of us.”

***

Simon and Inara had decided to stick together on this eighth day of their search. They were both exhausted, trying to sleep every night but finding little success and they felt the chances of them missing something lessened if they searched together.

Having decided to again check the mechanics shops, thinking that was the most logical place for Kaylee to seek work and solace, they wandered from one to the other, still coming up empty. As Simon pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger he heard the comm in his pocket sound. Pulling it out quickly, he thumbed it on and asked, “Yes?”

“Simon, this is Eli Butler.”

His heart leaping into his throat, Simon gave Inara a worried look as he asked, “Yes, Doctor Butler. How can I help you?”

“I think I can help you, son.” The man’s voice crackled through the comm, but there was no mistaking the heavy sigh that escaped his lips before he said, “I found your girl.”

***

Simon barely remembered the ride to the hospital or anything that happened between Doctor Butler telling him he found Kaylee and him standing outside her operating room, waiting for news. With his instincts kicking in and his adrenaline pumping through his system, every question he asked, every step he took was almost by rote, coming back to him as easily as his years of training.

Now he stood, staring at the swinging doors that led into the room that held Kaylee, his heart in his throat, his breathing shallow as he considered just how bad her injuries must be for Eli Butler to be needed for the surgery himself. Inara had sunk into a chair across the way from him, and she watched him now, watched as he grew more and more agitated as the minutes ticked by; as his hands clenched into fists at his sides and then uncurled only to clench again; watched as he paced a short angry path across the waiting room, never taking his eyes from the doors.

Rising, she went to him and stepped into his path. Simon raised his eyes to her with a bit of surprise and she said to him softly, “Simon, you really should sit down.”

Shaking his head tersely, he again fixed his gaze on the doors and said quietly, “No, not until I know she’s all right.”

Inara sighed heavily, having guessed that would be his answer. So they waited some more, the anticipation nearly killing them both until two doctors emerged and Simon rushed to greet them, addressing the older man whom Inara guessed was Doctor Butler.

“How is she?” he asked hurriedly, his eyes searching the other man’s face with an occupational eye, looking for the clues he knew the man could hide from a layman, but not from another surgeon.

Sighing heavily, Eli dismissed the other doctor and clapped a hand to Simon’s shoulder. “She’s in post-op, son.” Glancing to Inara and smiling to her kindly, he gestured to some chairs across the room and said, “Why don’t we all take a seat?”

Simon went and sat reluctantly, his body wound like a spring, ready to snap at the slightest provocation. He really wanted to see Kaylee, not believing that it was her until he could again see her face, again look into those big green eyes.

Doctor Butler watched Simon’s gaze wander and took the momentary distraction to introduce himself to his friend. “I’m Eli Butler,” he said easily, extending a hand.

Taking it, Inara smiled to him and said, “Inara Serra. Kaylee is a dear friend of mine.”

Nodding once, Eli realized she must be Edward’s daughter but kept the connection to himself. That wasn’t important right now.

“Doctor, please,” Simon begged, again drawing the older man’s attention. “Please, tell me she’s going to be all right.” Lie to me, he thought to himself, knowing that if it wasn’t true, if Kaylee wasn’t going to make it, he couldn’t stand to hear the words.

With a sympathetic look, Eli told him seriously, “She should be all right, Simon, but she’s sustained some pretty extensive injuries. We’ve managed to stop the internal bleeding, and we’ve set her leg, but …” Eli trailed off and wiped a hand over his tired eyes, it had been a long surgery. “Well, there was some head trauma. We’ve drained the fluid surrounding her brain.”

Simon swallowed thickly as Inara’s hand flew to her mouth to cover a gasp. Holding the other man’s gaze he asked quietly, “And?”

“And it’s looking good, so far, but Simon you know better than anyone how critical these cases can be. And that until she wakes up, nothing is certain.”

Simon swallowed again and stared off at nothing, only the sound of Inara’s stifled sob reaching him. Looking to her, he took her hand and squeezed it gently and she tried to smile at him, but it was a useless gesture; Simon could relate.

“What happened?” he asked, not having gotten the whole story from anyone.

The doctor wasn’t completely sure on the details himself, but he offered what information he’d been told. “Apparently, she was being chased, at least that’s what some of the witnesses said, when she darted out into traffic and was hit by a speeding hovercar. It threw her about five feet in the air.”

Inara gasped again at this information and Simon could only nod resolutely, unable to erase the image in his mind of Kaylee’s unconscious body falling to the pavement with a sickening thud. Trying to wipe the memory, he shook his head quickly; it didn’t work.

“I need to see her,” he said quietly, his voice devoid of any emotion.

“Of course, son, as soon as she’s moved out of post-op, you can both see her, but one at a time.” Eli watched the two young people struggle to maintain their emotions and his heart went out to them. It was obvious to him that the young woman whose life he’d just saved was very loved. Looking to them both, he cleared his throat and addressed Simon once more. “There is something else.”

Closing his eyes for a moment and wondering if he really could handle hearing more, Simon took in a deep breath and then turned to regard the doctor. “Yes?”

Holding the younger man’s gaze firmly with his own, he again placed a hand to his shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, son, but she lost the baby.”

His eyes widening at this news, Simon shared a similar look with Inara as he stammered, “B-baby?”

Nodding, Eli said, “She was only about a month along, so she may not have known, but yes, Simon, she was pregnant.”

Falling back into the chair, Simon covered his face with his hands. Kaylee had been pregnant, with his child; this revelation was almost too much for him, in light of everything else. “Simon?” Inara’s shaky voice called to him and anticipating her question, he shook his head slowly. “No, we didn’t know. Kaylee didn’t know, I don’t think.”

Eli gave Inara a sympathetic nod and then rose, saying, “If you need anything at all, just tell the nurse and she’ll have me paged. As soon as Kaylee has been moved, you’ll be the first ones to know.”

As he turned to go, Simon rose and followed, placing a hand on the man’s arm. Turning back to the younger man, he looked as Simon extended a hand. “Thank you, Doctor, for everything.”

Shaking the other man’s hand firmly, Eli told him, “We’re going to do everything we can for her, Simon. Hang in there.”

He nodded once and then the older gentleman was gone. Simon watched him go, his mind reeling with all of this new information. Kaylee had been pregnant, her brain was swelling and her body was desperately fighting for life; and again Simon knew he couldn’t lose her. He wished he could help, do something, use the knowledge he had locked away in his top three percent brain, but he also knew he’d be useless to her as a doctor now; he only hoped he could be helpful and supportive as a lover instead.

“Simon?”

Inara’s hand rested lightly against his shoulder and when Simon turned to face her, he saw that the tears she tried not to cry had fallen down her face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, unable to raise her voice for fear it would crack from her emotions.

Simon nodded once, unable and unwilling to release the sadness he felt. Not until he saw Kaylee, not until he knew she would be okay could he break down. Until then he needed to be strong for her; for them both.

“Would you mind waving Serenity?” Simon asked, his voice still soft. “I’m sure Mal and River will want to know what’s happening.”

“Of course, I was just going to do that,” Inara responded. Taking a step closer to him, she asked, “Will you be all right?”

Shaking his head, he answered truthfully, “No.” Gazing off in the direction he knew Kaylee to be, he added, “Not until I know Kaylee is.”

***

“Wait a minute. What?” Mal could barely process what Inara was telling him. He was sitting in her shuttle, having wanted the privacy and now his mind was reeling as he watched her struggling not to cry and trying to tell him what had happened to Kaylee.

With a sigh, Inara told him quietly, “Please, Mal. Don’t make me say it again. It was awful enough the first time.” She wiped quickly at a few more tears, her eyes dropping to the floor.

Mal watched her, his heart swelling with concern while his head raged with anger at the distance separating him from his family. “Listen, darlin’, we just landed this mornin’, but we’re due to unload the goods in an hour or so. As soon as we’re refueled we’ll be on our way, full burn. Dong ma?”

Inara nodded once and then raised her eyes to the screen, causing Mal’s breath to hitch in his throat. “It’s so terrible, Mal,” Inara murmured. She had not told him of the baby, knowing that was something that Simon and Kaylee would have to decide to share. But the knowledge of it still haunted her; she knew what it was like to lose a child, and she knew that Kaylee would feel the pain of that loss as deeply as any. “Simon’s beside himself and there’s nothing either of us can do.”

Leaning forward a bit, Mal tried to be as reassuring as he could over a wave feed. “You gotta hang in there, ‘Nara. You know how much lil’ Kaylee looks to you. Just be your lovin’, strong self an’ when I get there you can fall apart all ya want, okay?”

Inara smiled lightly at him even as more tears fell and muttered, “I do not fall apart, Mal.”

“Oh, I beg to differ,” he told her, trying to ease her tension with a joke of his own. “I seem to remember you fallin’ pretty hard the night ‘fore I left.”

Turning wide eyes to him, she actually smiled, for real this time, and the expression buoyed his spirits. “You’re gonna be okay,” he assured her. “We all will, lil’ Kaylee included.” Swallowing hard past a sudden lump in his throat, he added, “Just tell her I love her an’ I’m comin’.”

“I will, Mal,” Inara told him, again swallowing down her sobs. “I really wish you were here,” she admitted, her voice again quiet.

Sighing heavily, Mal told her, “So do I, darlin’. So do I.”

*** TBC