Disclaimer: Don't own it, if i did i woulda kicked Fox's ass until they didn't cancel Serenity.

A/N: Okay, so it's probably pretty bad. it's unedited, as i wrote it about ten minutes ago. the late night ramblings of a person who can't be bothered going to bed. i also know that the storyline has been done before. alot. i did get my inspiration from a story i read on here a little while ago, by Jane0904, but i swear i didn't mean to actually steal the storyline (btw- it's entitled 'Adventures' and everyone should read it. it's really good!!) anyway, i apologize for any spelling or grammar issues there could be. like i said- late night ramblings. Please review. i like nice reviews but if it really sux then that's good to know too!! and now on with it!!!

************************************** Finding Serenity **************************************

I always knew I’d die in Serenity. It was my destiny. It was how I had to die. Anywhere else wouldn’t have been right. This was the way I was meant to go. Here, where my heart was. The place that took life away, and gave it back. Truth be told, I should have died in the Valley. Back in those days, when I actually believed in the goodness of mankind. I believed in that which I was fighting for- freedom. The chance to be the man I wanted to be without the gorramm government looking over my shoulder all the time. The minute I stopped believing in the cause, my heart stopped. Somehow my body kept going. It continued to function without a heartbeat. For so many years I was running on empty, and yet kept running. To this day I’ll know how I managed that. Couple years later, and I felt like maybe my fuel tank was slowly being filled up. I had myself a crew, a boat, someone to love (although she never knew it). Instead of functioning, I started living. Maybe it was the presence of Kaylee- anyone whose ever been in the same room as that girlie knows that she had enough energy to light an entire ship, if they could figure out a way to plug her in. Maybe it was the presence of the Tam’s- something to protect, to fight for again. Maybe it was… no, there was no way it could be Jayne. No, it wasn’t any one person giving me the will to live, it was these people. Plural. I was around people again, living like a human being, seeing people the way they were, instead of shells of an ideal world. In each of my crew was carried a piece of myself; whether it be cheer, love, protectiveness, sensitivity or faith. All these pieces started filling me up again, and for the first time in so many years, I felt almost whole. I lived. That was until it all fell apart. At first they started leaving me slowly. First Inara left me alone. Dunno what it was about me that she couldn’t accept. I was damaged goods. I knew that, she knew that; hell everyone who’d ever met me knew that!!! She coulda stayed, but all that fanciful companion training told her that she got too close, and she pushed away. She came back after Miranda, but she didn’t stay long. I began losing more pieces, and then I pushed her away. It wasn’t deliberate, but that didn’t matter. She was gone, retreated back into her life of Companion comfort and security. I never saw her again. There went my sensitivity. Then Book left. That mystery of a man found a better cause I guess. He probably thought that he’d done all he could for me, and found a different place of God-forsakenedness to preach at. Then he died; killed almost by my own hand. There went my faith- not in God, but in mankind. Next thing I lost was Wash. That hit the crew harder than anything else that had happened. He didn’t have a choice in leaving though, he was taken. No, that’s a lie. He could have taken his leave back on Haven; he knew what he was getting himself into when he made that flight. He died doing what he loved most, and that hurt all the more. I lost my sense of humour with him. I don’t think I laughed again. The next person I lost came completely out of the blue. Well, not really I guess. Just as Serenity filled my hole, Wash filled Zoe, and being on the boat with all those memories was too much for her. She found out she was pregnant a few weeks after Miranda, and took her leave. Said she couldn’t risk losing another person she loved. I understood, let her go, but this was the hardest thing I’d done. She’d been my rock through all these years, my voice of reason. Time to say farewell to some of my sanity. Never was quite the same after she left. Jayne wasn’t entirely unexpected. I guess three years on the same boat was too much for that drifter. He’d formed relationships, friendships, camaraderie. It wasn’t like the Jayne of old. I reckon he got scared and bolted. That, and the money was too good. Trust Jayne to forsake so many years of a good deal on a better offer. What was left of the Malcolm of old- the materialism of women, money and a good meal went with Jayne. The human part of me. Kaylee was one I thought’d never leave, and she didn’t, voluntarily. Her and Doc’ finally got their act together after a coupla years, and I’d barely seen a happier couple in my life. Even had a little one; a girl called Lotte. Poor bub didn’t make it to her first birthday- cot death. Broke li’l Kaylee’s heart. Still she stayed with me though. Working on Serenity started to heal her, till one day she tripped in the engine room and hit her head. Seeing that image of my little mechanic with blood dripping down her forehead was… even some of the things I’d seen in the war couldn’t compare to that. She spent three weeks in a coma before dying peacefully in her sleep. My innocence and joviality slipped into the afterlife when she did. I found it ironic that the last one’s left on my boat we’re those I once swore I was going to kick off. And yet there they were- trying to keep Serenity flying on the combined effort of three people. But Simon was a broken man, River was losing grip on the sanity she’d gained after Miranda and I was… well let’s just say I was a mess. This boat and these siblings were the only things I had left- the reason I lived. Then they announced that they were leaving. They couldn’t stay where they were; not with all the memories. I understood. We set Serenity down on Whitefall (ironic- the place I decided to keep the Tams, and the place they decided to leave me). They offered to let me live with them, but I couldn’t. They left, and I lost my reason to fight. To live. All that was left was my empty shell- Serenity. The first time I died, it was in Serenity. I could have kept going again, could have kept functioning, but I was tired. I figured I’d lived life, and couldn’t go any further. The second time I died, I was in Serenity, remembering the days we spent here in the mess. The last thing I saw before I died- late one night in the middle of the desert- was the stars through the windshield on the bridge. My destiny fulfilled, I was whole again on Serenity. ************************************* -Fred (ps- please please review!!!)