A/N: I just watched the BDM again (like, just watched) and something about it always bothered me: how did Simon hold it together while he was watching River being tortured before rescuing her?

Here's what I think may have been running through his head.

This is a stream-of-consciousness, not beta'd piece of fic, so please keep that in mind. Also, written in first person which is a bit different for me.

Any feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated!

***

No Harm

***

I am a doctor; a surgeon. I took an oath along with all my colleagues, even the ones in this room, an oath that clearly states “do no harm.” But I want to. I want to kill them.

It’s not a passing moment of rage, not a burst of anger that will fade. This is a deep-seated fire that has been curling in my belly for a few years now. For the past three years, as I’ve learned a little more each day about what these doctors, my peers, are doing to my baby sister.

They should die, they deserve to. River is … she’s screaming and shaking and I can tell she’s injured. I can only imagine the mental anguish she’s suffering. There’s another oath I’ve heard, more of a code actually – “an eye for an eye.” I wish that was the one I had sworn to uphold.

Doctor Mathias is talking again. I should be listening, but his voice boils my blood. I’m actually glad for the scepter I’m carrying and the gloves covering my hands. No one can see my white knuckles from the death grip on the disguised weapon. He’s not worth such anger; he’s only a puppet, a cowardly man, who has to torment my sister in order to validate himself. He brags about Parliament and high-ranking officials as if it can justify what he’s doing. As if their pats on the head and nods of approval can excuse what has happened to River.

I should kill him. I could do it, my anger is pumping adrenaline into my system and it gives me the confidence I need. But I’d never get past the other techs milling about. In the end, my act of revenge would only serve to end my life, leaving River writhing in that chair with needles sticking out of her head until she finally falls unconscious and never again wakes up.

I won’t take that chance. I haven’t done all this to throw it away on a fit of revenge. I won’t. River is worth more than that. River is all that matters. I’ll do what I came here to do; get her out, take her away, keep her safe. I will leave these pseudo-physicians to their torture and the hell that awaits them when they pass on from this world.

I want to kill them. I won’t, but it’s not because of that foolish oath. It’s because today I’m not a doctor, I’m a brother and killing these men won’t save River. And my need to save her far outweighs my homicidal desires.

I want them to bleed, to scream, to writhe. I want them to feel pain. And worst of all, I want to be the one to inflict it. But I will do no harm.