Mal lay in his bunk, trying to forget Kaylee the wild woman in a pink puffy towel, and failing. The only thing he had to think about was Kaylee or Inara and his break up, and he couldn’t be certain which one was worse to think about. His problem wasn’t that Kaylee revolted him, much the opposite. He wished he could have turned away from her as she stood there, quite obviously naked as the day she was born, but he was sure she was going to physically attack him for that move. He shook his head, women were just too difficult today, all of them.

* Inara looked at him as if she wanted him dead, and he wanted him dead, so it all worked out in his head. She was fully clothed, if you could call one of her night garments clothing. She was screaming at him, “I thought that you had this figured out by now, Mal! I am not going to give up my life for you on faith!”

“What am I s'posed to do, Inara?! Just wait for you here as you go off with a ‘client’?! That ain’t happening!” Mal yelled back. By now the crew knew enough to avoid them when their voices began rising. “I don’t know what you want from me, one minute you’re running away, the next you’re in my bunk, half nekkid, and sweet-talking’ me. I don’t want to be your piece on the side, here!”

“Then what DO you want to be?” Inara demanded her dark eyes on fire but none-the-less beautiful.

“I want to be number one! Not just the fool you come back to after you bedded all of Persephone!” Mal’s answer didn’t slow him down, not now, not after she made him say it. “You nearly killed me when you left Serenity, and I hoped that you would wave us back, tell me that you wanted to be back on this ship of mine, that you missed me. I knew, though, I knew before you were in trouble, before you didn’t demand off at the Training House the second we cleared orbit of Mr. Universe, I knew I would never be that man, never be number one.”

Inara just stared at him, visibly calming in front of his eyes. “Why does number one have to be the only one, Mal? Why does it have to be your way or not at all?” She touched his face gently, they’d been going back and forth about this for some time, and she wasn’t going to give, she knew that, he knew that.

“You’re gorgeous, ‘Nara, you’re everything any man would want to be with, and when they’re with you they’re the only thing in your world. I want that, but I want that for real, not the show you pay for. I don’t want to be them, that’s why,” Mal remained fierce, voice quieter, but he may as well have been yelling it. It was over, whatever it was at any given time, and he knew it. He could love her, he could want her, but never have her, not for real, not to trust.

*

“Kaylee, have you hear a word I’ve been saying to you?” Zoe demanded eyeing the mechanic closely.

“Yeah, you are thinking about having a baby,” Kaylee smiled, but it’s no use, she was too distracted. “I nearly hit the captain today, Zoe.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time the captain was hit by a woman, wouldn’t be the last,” Zoe smirked at her.

“A baby would be nice, all cuddly and drooling all over everything,” Kaylee responded forgetting Zoe’s comment completely. “He or she’d gnaw all of Wash’s dinos like a puppy with a chew toy. Inara and I could get her all dolled up, if you have a girl. Jayne could teach her how to shoot, or him to shoot. Teach them about sex before it’s their time-“ Kaylee’s grin grew with all the thoughts going in her head. “Jayne would be like a big brother, like my big brother, but bigger and older.”

“Something tells me Jayne would be less than interested,” Zoe smiled softly. She wasn’t sure, but she’d missed her monthly, and she was hoping that meant a new member to the crew would be coming soon.

“Ah, he’s all gruff on the outside, sorta like the captain, but he’d be fine with a kid,” Kaylee’s eyes had hazed over into baby land. Simon hadn’t wanted any children, thought that the life he would be ‘forced’ to live wasn’t good enough to have children. “Captain would be a good father, though, and of course, Wash. Wash will have baby names all planned out, and a whole ‘Earth That Was’ of dinosaurs set up and ready before you even have a list of names.”

“That’s my man,” Zoe agreed. She could almost see the two of them playing ‘Earth That Was’ died together.

“I always wanted kids, but don’t know about that no more,” Kaylee shrugged. “Did you think about names yet?”

“Little early for that, both the names and you givin’ up,” Zoe said sternly and smiled again, she’d been doing that a lot lately. “Doc isn’t stupid enough to just let you go for good.”

“Don’t think he’d be the one I’d want to have a family with,” Kaylee frowned suddenly and got up from the couch. “I hear my girl calling.” She headed straight for the engine room, knowing that she needed some time alone with Serenity. She needed to get her head straight about things. It had been quite clear that Simon hadn’t wanted the same things that she did, and she knew that it ranged further than sex. She hadn’t cared about being married as much as both people just feeling the same about each other. It didn’t seem that Simon would feel the same about her.

* “Why do you feel the need to be so blatant? I am certain that everyone aboard this ship is aware of our relationship, Kaylee,” Simon turned to her, a disapproving look on his face, one that he’d used on River only earlier in the day.

“It ain’t about being obvious, Simon, it’s about –“ Kaylee shrugged, he wasn’t going to get it, she’d tried explaining it to him a hundred times or so. “Sometimes you just gotta let it all out, be spontaneous and let yourself go. People have feelings, Simon, and it ain’t no use to keep all those feelings bottled up until you’re in a bunk and on a bed. No one here’s made out of glass, we aren’t the type to break.” She was hurt, he’d been all sweet and they’d been kissing. The second she had tried to strip him out of his shirt, tried to go further he’d shut down.

“I just don’t see the point of making a spectacle of it,” Simone amended, but he knew that it wouldn’t be enough, it never was.

“It’s not a spectacle unless you make be, Simon. It’s not like we’re in the middle of the gorram galley,” Kaylee breathed, exasperated at the situation. She wasn’t the type of girl to want to be carried away in a cloak of darkness to meet a lover, nor did she want to make herself feel like she had to be. He wouldn’t even join her in a shower, and that was not exclusive to sex in the shower. She wasn’t someone’s whore or secret, and didn’t’ need to feel like it. “I’m just tired of you feeling like we’ve got to be sneakin’ off all the time, like someone’s ma is going for a gun if she sees you with me.”

* Kaylee broke off the memory right before the tears hit again. She wasn’t anyone’s secret, whore, or mistress. It just seemed wrong for Simon to be ashamed of her.

“Hey there, Kaylee,” Mal greeted uneasily. Likely she’ll be attacking me now that she’s dressed, he thought, half amused.

“Hey, Capt’n,” Kaylee smiled despite herself.

“How’s your girl doing?” Mal managed.

“A-Okay,” Kaylee continued to smile, glad that Mal wasn’t bringing up anything about her fluffy pink towel. “What brings you to the engine room?”

“You missed dinner, thought maybe something was wrong with your girl,” Mal stated plainly looking around the engine room for nothing in particular.

“Jayne was cooking tonight, Cap’t,” Kaylee’s face was messed into something little kids made at spinach and molded protein. “Besides, if I was there, I couldna made some engine fuel.”

“Don’t think we’ll be able to handle any of that anytime soon,” Mal laughed, “especially not the doc.”

“Nothing broken, nothing to fix, just something in his head,” River walked in between Mal and Kaylee. “Isn’t the head that matters, it can crack, fall down at any time.” “River, what in tar nation are you talking about?” Mal shook his head.

“People must be like cows, forgetting what they are when they’re too far away from where they belong,” River frowned at them. “One of you isn’t out of her element, but then, what does a captain need in an engine room? Nothing here but a hurting head, and juice that make men dance.”

Kaylee and Mal just watched as River walked away, gracefully.