A/N: Where to begin - I started this story last summer, and it's been finished for quite a while. I had some final tweaks to make, which is why it's taken so long to get it posted.

It is based on a specific prompt table provided by the ridiculously talented Leiasky. ~ Her story using the same table can be found by clicking here. It's a great story and I highly recommend it. ~

This first chapter (as well as many of the others) are pretty much PG to PG-13, but there will be a few that stray into the NC-17 arena. Each chapter will be marked appropriately.

This story would not have been possible without the unflagging encouragement of Leiasky! Not only is she an outstanding writer, but she's a great beta and an even better friend! Thank you.

I really hope you all like this. It was a labor of love, I can assure you. And it is angst-ridden, fluffy, smutty and hero-ical too!

And remember, comments make the chapters come faster ... really, it's scientific fact!

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The Right To Love - Chapter 1 (Prompts 1-10)

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001. Dreams

Simon was not a dreamer, never had been. That had been River’s domain. She had delighted in lands of make believe, flitting about with imaginary playmates and tales of wonder. She had been the one to skip through spectrums of color, bathing in the glow – she danced with untold grace from one pretend moment to the next.

Not Simon; while his sister lived in a rainbow, Simon lived in the black and white, the absolute and the void, the right and wrong, the true and false version of the universe. He did not skip about or play or wander along in flights of fancy. His friends were math and science, the hard truths, the cold veracity of yes and no.

But here, in the black, where Simon felt everything should be cast in a light of greater contrast, he found the grayscale cumbersome. This world he had unknowingly flung himself and his sister into was one full of colors his mind could barely register, inconsistencies his eye could barely behold. He had no choice, in this world, this new and scary world, but to dream.

So he learned. And now, Simon dreamed. He had to.

002. Nightmares

Because his reality was a nightmare.

His reality was filled with foreignness: strange people and harsh surroundings. Simon struggled, every day, he struggled with the knowledge that he was sorely out of his element. That he was the only person standing between his sister and certain psychosis. That if he didn’t hold it together they would both fall apart.

It was bad enough to be taken so suddenly from everything he’d ever known. Simon had tried to prepare himself in those last months before finally breaking River out of the Academy. He had tried to live meagerly, cutting back on indulgences like rich foods or a new shirt. He rarely spent his money on himself anyway, but still, he knew there were things he was accustomed to that would be unavailable to him once he had his sister back and they were on the run. He’d just never had any idea how much he would miss real eggs and a hot shower.

To add insult to injury, he was forced to adapt to this new life under the scrutiny of brusque, petty people – criminals, really. The man-ape-gone-wrong-thing and a Captain so full of his own bravado that he could barely see a foot in front of his face. Simon hated them, hated them for their jibes and sneers, but more than that hated them for their ease. He loathed the fact that these uneducated ruffians could so easily fit into this life of nothing while Simon continued to find it a struggle, a nightmare he woke up from every night, sweating in his too-small bed on scratchy sheets.

Simon knew, deep, deep down in a place he very rarely acknowledged, that he owed these people something as well. He owed the Captain a debt of gratitude that grew more and more unpayable as the days passed. The man had given him and River a sanctuary when he’d had no reason or incentive to do so. And occasionally, begrudgingly, Simon would find himself enjoying the man’s company. He did seem to have some moral compass, a fact that the doctor was more aware of the moment he’d been saved from a fiery death.

The only one he still didn’t and would never like was Jayne. The man was far too bulky and mean for someone with a girl’s name. Of course, he was also ridiculously dense, turning Simon and his sister in and assuming the Alliance wouldn’t bother with his colorful record in the process. It was an uneasy truce, the one that had been forged between them, but Simon would maintain it, if only to call upon the big man in the future when his brute strength and gruffness would be necessary.

But despite the hesitant familial unit they had reluctantly been absorbed by; despite River’s growing ease with these people and this life; despite Kaylee’s big smile and light laugh, Simon still went to sleep every night and woke every morning with a cold knot of dread in his stomach – dread inspired by the fact that he was living a nightmare.

003. Daydreams

Of course, Simon had even less use for daydreams. He could not, in good conscious, justify spending hours, or even just minutes, lost in a fantasy world that did not exist. It just didn’t seem right or proper or any of the things Simon associated with himself.

But as his feelings deepened, as his need and want and love deepened, he’d found his mind drifting to a far away place at the oddest of moments. Because in that far away place he said the right thing and could be the man he was striving to be. In those daydreams, he could be with Kaylee, and he needed that.

He’d tried to tell himself that he didn’t – need her that is. He’d tried to deny the rising ache in his heart that he knew indicated the growth of feelings too numerous and precious to count. But Simon, for all his top three percent, could not willingly convince himself of something that was not true.

He did need her. He loved her. The admission was one he only allowed to surface in daydreams, wistful moments that came more fast and furious than he liked to admit. So even though he knew it was not healthy, to lose oneself in realms of make believe, he did, because then he could be with her. There he could tell her he loved her and he didn’t feel guilt, guilt for abandoning his sister, for replacing her in his life with a woman more precious to him than any.

In his daydreams, Simon lived his own life and that life began and ended with Kaylee’s radiant smile.

004. Emotion

River was all emotion. Every moment of every day was one emotion or another, one second of terror followed by minutes of dread continued on in hours of blissful unawareness. River had no choice, she was ruled by her emotions, her mind incapable of any other response.

Simon was no emotion. Or at least he tried to be. He tried to hold everyone and everything, but his precious mei mei, out at arm’s length where there was no complication, no confusion, no emotion. But his arm was tiring and he was losing the battle.

Kaylee kept pushing. Everyday she seemed to get closer and everyday he seemed to let her. How else could he explain the sake story? He had never recounted that tale to anyone, his embarrassment often too great to even mention his late night debauchery, let alone retell it in shocking detail. But her sweet laugh and dancing eyes had pulled it from him. And as she’d snuck closer, edging towards him on the couch, Simon had felt his arm slacken, he had felt that barrier he’d been erecting start to crumble. For the first time in a long while, he’d actually felt.

And he didn’t mind.

005. Hot

She hated this feeling. It burned. It was rage. Hot and humid and welling inside of her like a volcano ready to erupt. She felt it, crawling along her skin, pouring through her and she knew she was powerless to stop it.

Normally, when she felt this heat, this unbearable burning, she had Simon’s cool presence to rely on. His soft, blue glow always managed to temper the pain of the burn. But he was not here now; he was too far away to protect her.

So she screamed. River screamed and fell back and Jayne was there. Why was he always calling her moonbrain? And with a strangled whisper she said the one word she knew would set him on edge, “Reavers.”

006. Cold

As she felt his blood run cold, she shivered. This was bad, so very, very bad. Even as the heat of the day rose, the sun in the sky burning brightly overhead, River could feel the chill of encroaching death. Even as the wind whipped around them, even as the bastardized ship, barely able to contain its own burn, sped to grab them, all River could feel was the frigid reach of anger. Crouching, low in her seat, staying out of the range of bullets and harpoons that whizzed by, River was cold.

007. Lust

There weren’t too many things to want, not this far out in the black. Food, shelter, clothing, they were nice, but as far as wanting, there was really only one thing Simon knew with certainty he wanted – and he couldn’t have it.

With the same resolute certainty, he knew he couldn’t have Kaylee. Even as he watched her distraught form huff away from him and into the crowd that swirled on Beaumonde. Simon’s eyes followed her as far as they could trying in vain to memorize her – every inch, every smile, every curve. He knew that he was only indulging now, holding on because he couldn’t let go; he didn’t need these last few seconds to burn her beauty into his mind. The image had been seared into his psyche the minute she’d looked to him on Persephone all those months ago, twirling that bright umbrella, smiling and asking, “Wanna?”

From that minute, Simon had wanted too – desperately. And now, he would never get the chance.

008. Hate

His hate for Mal burned bright and hot in his blood as the older and slightly stronger man, slammed him hard onto the galley’s wooden table. Truthfully, Simon could understand his anger, to a point, but what he could not stomach was the way in which the captain was content to dress him down in front of the crew, including Kaylee.

She probably already thought him incredibly weak, running back to the ship after all that had happened on Beaumonde. He did his best now not to look at her so he wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in her eyes or the disgust at how cowardly he was.

Simon knew he would never be as forceful as Mal or as crude as Jayne or even as funny as Wash. He would always be softer than any of those men, the caring one, the doctor, the man with a crazy sister and a propensity for forsaking everything in the name of love. And while he wanted to believe that Kaylee would find that type of man attractive, he feared that if she ever did – if he ever managed to give in to his feelings for her, it wouldn’t last, because she would soon realize just how incredibly different he was, how incredibly boring. And more than Mal and his self-righteousness, Simon hated that.

009. Love

Simon dabbed at River’s wounds, trying desperately to wipe the blood from the bar brawl off her delicate skin. He hated to watch as more tears welled in her eyes, as her voice broke with so much raw emotion.

He managed to coax a few answers from her, but he still could not interpret half of what she was saying. But what he did know, what he did understand was her plea for him to kill her. It chilled his heart to think of his mei mei suffering to the point where she believed death to be the only solution. But it also only reaffirmed his love for her, his desire, his need, to protect her, to keep her safe, even if that meant protecting and keeping her safe from herself.

He sat with her for a long time after that, long after he’d cleaned her up. She wouldn’t eat, which did not surprise him and finally, after a bit of crying she had allowed him to give her a smoother so she could at least sleep. So Simon sat now, his back against the wall by the door, his legs crossed in front of him, watching her as she slept, his heart aching with so much love for her, he thought for sure it would cleave in half.

“Hey.”

Turning at the small sound, he looked to see Kaylee kneeling beside him. He just as quickly turned his face from her concerned gaze, feeling her rest her hand against his shoulder lightly, as she asked, “Is there anythin’ I can do?”

Shaking his head sadly, Simon was touched by her offer, but he needed her to go. She could not be here right now, because Simon knew, if she stayed, if she tried to comfort him, he would let her and he would fall apart. He would stop being strong and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t let his guard down or River would have no one to hold her up, to keep her afloat.

“We’re fine,” he said quietly, his voice hoarse from the emotion he was trying to contain. “Thank you.”

He did not look back to her, so Simon did not see the tears of hurt and concern that welled in Kaylee’s large green eyes. Patting his shoulder once more, she murmured, “Okay then,” and then left as quietly as she had come.

Only after he was certain she was gone, did Simon release a heavy sigh. Now, his heart was bursting with love for two – the overwhelming love for his sister and his unrequited love for Serenity’s beautiful mechanic.

010. Anger

It wasn’t right, none of it. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair and the cruelity of the ‘verse, of his life, of what had been done to his sister, burned in Simon’s veins like the hottest fire.

It was anger, raging and unrelenting and Simon found he could not control it. As he knelt over the Shepherd’s lifeless body, as his eyes scanned the burning, bombed-out landscape of Haven, Simon knew he had never felt so much anger in his life.

He wanted to hurt someone, hit something. He had never wanted to do that before, not with such intensity. Of course, he had been mad on Lilac a few days ago, when he had blamed Mal for placing his sister in harm’s way. But the anger he’d felt then paled violently in comparison to the rage he felt now.

If he could, he would personally kill every one of the hundans who had rained down this destruction. And he wouldn’t do it with poisons or gases, no. Simon wanted to feel the cold metal of a gun in his hand and have the satisfaction of watching as he blew gaping, bleeding holes into their chests, one after another. He wanted to smell their death, taste it, revel in it – as they so obviously reveled in the deaths of others.

As his chest heaved with more and more anger as they found more and more dead bodies, Simon felt a small, light hand touch his shoulder. Assuming it was River, he turned a burning look to her, ready to tell her to stay out of his rutting mind and leave him in peace.

But as he met Kaylee’s wide and tear-filled green eyes, some of his anger receded, replaced with the love he’d felt for her just hours ago, the desire he had felt for her a few days ago. Reaching up without thought to the hand she’d laid upon his shoulder, Simon squeezed it lightly and held her gaze for a moment more, before they were needed elsewhere, before the horror of their situation again separated them.

And as Simon watched her walk away, he again felt angry.

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Now, leave some nice, shiny comments and no one gets hurt!

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Chapter 2