The Past is Always Two Steps Behind

The kitchen of Serenity, normally a lively place during the past week, was now silent. Kaylee sat wringing her hands next to Book. Knees drawn up to her chest, River sat in a corner not fully comprehending what was troubling the crew so much. Kaylee’ s head whipped around at the sound of footsteps in the corridor. Simon walked in and surveyed the faces before him. “I don’t see what’s bothering everyone so much,” Simon chimed in, “Ian saved us. All of us.” Book looked up, “No one’s doubting he saved us. What’s disturbing is how. I mean, a man who can single-handedly wipe out a ship full of reavers without any weapons but knives could certainly take us out.” “He wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Kaylee said, as if thinking out loud, “I know he wouldn’t. Not us preacher.” “That may be,” Book responded kindly, “but it makes the captain nervous. Kinda surprised me too.” “He walks ahead of all of us,” River said. “We don’t see his footsteps behind him, he’s dusted them over. He’s like a warm blanket though…soft…fuzzy. Safe.” Kaylee smiled in River’s direction. Simon drew his eyebrows down as he usually did when River said something cryptic. Book smiled at her, “Child, I am sure there is nothing wrong with him. We just need to know what and who he is.” “Is he ok Simon,” River asked. Simon sighed and nodded, “Apart from some bruising on his hands, he’s physically fine. He seems to be very withdrawn and remote though. He wouldn’t talk to me at all though he was compliant during my examination. How much longer are the others going to be?” Book looked at a clock on the wall of the kitchen, “Shouldn’t be much longer now.”

Inara sat on a crate in the cargo bay, her heart racing. She knew Mal was not happy about the situation. He had gone into the reaver ship with Zoe, Wash and Jayne. The smell of the horrible ship wafting through the airlock was nauseating and made Inara reel. Now she waited for their return anxiously though she was not at all sure if she wanted Ian’s story to be true. Her past welled up in a torrent and mixed with the present. What was Ian really doing here? Footsteps from the airlock brought her from the thoughts that busied her fro the last 30 minutes. When the inner door slid open Inara put her perfumed hand under her nose. Jayne walked through with his head down and passed her without a look or a word, his air filter still on his face. Zoe’s face was drawn and pale as she removed her mask. Mal turned and shut the airlock. “What did you find,” Inara asked Zoe who promptly walked passed her and up the stairs. Inara walked quickly to Malcolm, “Mal what is it? Did you find any of the reavers?” “Yeah,” Mal’s voice cracked and he looked down, “we found what was left of them.” “They’re all dead? Just like Ian said?” Mal began taking off his vest and shirt, “Yeah, the whole lot of them; slaughtered professionally.” Inara turned with him and caught his arm, “How do you mean professionally?” Malcolm sat and took his boots off, tugging at one, “What I mean is they were killed with precision. Spines severed, stabs to the heart, ears, crushed skulls, oh and some were cut in half at the waist. Six were lying within four feet of one another with their heads severed. No sign of gunfire, gas or biological agents. Most were killed in groups of three. Very surgical.” Inara bowed her head, “Mal I don’t know what to say…I only know him…” “We’ll talk about what you know later. Right now I am going to burn these clothes, take a bath and blow that gorram, chou ba guai, chou wan ba dan, se mi mi de ren, gan ni niang of a ship into as many pieces as I can. Then we’ll talk.” Inara watch Malcolm’s naked form climb the stairs to the main hallway. She stood alone in the cargo bay then sat back on her crate. Inara briefly kicked herself for not leaving Serenity when she said she was. Now this, complication, from her past. She would have to tell Mal all that she knew now and the fact of hiding things from him did not appeal to her. With a little hope, luck and divine grace, Ian would give Malcolm what he needed to hear. She heard the hiss and clunk of the airlock disengaging from Serenity. She walked upstairs, busy with her thoughts.

Ian sat at the end of the table drawn and somber. Malcolm thought it best that the entire crew heard all that was to be said. Kaylee thought it looked a lot like an interrogation so she hung back with her arms folded across her stomach. Malcoln sat across from Ian withhis hands clasped on the table, “Well Mr. McFarren, you wanna tell us what went on in that ship?” “Not particularly,” Ian answered softly. Kaylee huffed, “I don’t see what the big deal is Captain, he just did what you all were gonna do.” Zoe answered, “Sweetie,he just single-handedly killed forty reavers with no weapons. It aint about what he done. It’s about who he is.” “I’m not questioning why here,” Malcolm said firmly, “I hope you understand that it makes me more than a little nervous to have someone with those kinda killin’ talents on my ship. Professional talents. Now it makes me question if this whole gorram mission is what you say it is.” “Captain, I can apreciate your nervousness,” Ian was plainly stumbling, “What you saw today is part of the past. A past I have tried very hard to escape from. I can assure you that this mission is about what I told you.”

“That’s all I can ask of anyone,” Malcolm caught Inara’s gaze and pushed back form the table. “Kaylee how we lookin’ on repairs to the drive and support systems?” “Engines are up Cap. I could use a hand on the power conduit systems to make things go faster.” “I can help there and with the data links,” Ian volunteered. Kaylee smiled at him. “Good,” Malcolm seemed relieved, “let me know when the peripherals come back online. I want to get outta here as soon as we can. Wash let’s get navigation up and running. Zoe I need you on the sensor array so we can see if there are any more of those damned mines out there.” “Aye that,” Zoe nodded. Ian, Kaylee, Wash and Zoe filed out of the dining room. Malcolm put one hand on the bulkhead and leaned against it, thinking. Inara glided to him, tense and suggestive. “Mal, when can we talk,” Inara whispered. Mal was quiet, “Well we got some minor repairs to do here. Don’t wanna be here if those reavers come lookin’ for their comrades.” “Can we talk in a hour,” Inara asked even more quietly than before. “Ummm sure. What’s so…” Inara cut him off, “Not here. Please Mal.” “Okay, one hour or there-abouts.” Inara smiled and walked away. Malcolm had one of those “funny feelings” about this situation. It seemed on the up-and-up a week ago, but now, like spoiling milk, things seemed to changing for the worse. Mal could not put his finger on it, but the feeling nagged him now that they found out a little more about Ian. Inara wanting to talk to him secretly only added more uncertainty. As he walked into the cockpit Mal saw the reaver ship slowly tumbling away. He smiled knowing that here was something tangible he could deal with. “Wash, the lasers online yet?” Wash smiled, “C’mon Mal, let me take a couple of shots. Please, please.” Mal smiled and chuckled, “Yeah but only a couple. And be sure to put it on pulse, if I can find the gorram manual.”

Day 30

The nightmare of the reaver ships was now three days behind them. Serenity sped thorugh the darkness of interstellar space, well above the galactic plane now. Ian sat in the shuttle opposite Inara’s enveloped in his own thoughts. The mood around the ship was somber the last few days and Ian knew that no one really trusted him now. Still the excitement of discovery was beginning to grow hot in his veins.Still over eight days away, they had not picked up any data from the probe. The Gayne Ballet Suite washed softly through the stark interior of the shuttle. Ian stretched out his mind as deep into the space ahead as he possibly could. There was no feeling at all. Three days from now they would stop and assess the situation from what Captain Reynolds suggested was a safe distance. Ian heard the door hiss and turned to see Inara’s lithe form gliding through the doorway. He smiled at her and she smiled broadly back. Her dress, of the finest silk, clung to her exquisite figure in alluring ways. “So you have dared a visit to the ship’s piriah,” Ian joked. Inara smiled ad sat beside him, “Yes I wanted to see if you would cook me and eat me.” “Hmmm,” Ian grabbed his chin, “I don’t know if I brought my recipie books with me”. “Come now Ian, it’s not that bad. You just surprised everyone. Including me.” Ian put his head down, “Inara I left all that behind years ago. It would seem that it did not leave me behind. Damned them for what they did to me…for what they taught me!” Inara was quiet for a few moments, “I never asked who they were. It was part of my training not to ask. Did they kill the group I was with in Tokyo?” Ian propped his massive arm on his knee and his voice was soft now, “I knew they would. No one could know who we were and what we represented. When I fell in love with you I could no tbear the thought of your death. So I told your house mother that we were going to run away and get married…live happily ever after. I figured that would get you pulled immediately. They also sent me home. The end fro the others was swift.” Inara’s stomach turned slightly and her feelings drifted between revulsion an thankfulness, “Why didn’t you ever try to contact me again Ian? In time perhaps…” “It was impossible without joepardizing your life. I knew they would watch me and wait for me to go to you. Then you would be dead too. I couldn’t bear that to happen. So, I burried myself in my work and forgot I was human.” “Who are they,” Inara sat gently beside Ian and delicately placed her hand on his arm. Ian looked in her face and smiled weakly, “They, are a very old organization. Assissins for hire and I was one of them. One of the best they ever had. The jobs were varied…stealing data, abductions, outright killing and demolitions to name a few. Inara, what I had to do to the reavers was mere child’s play to some of the things I have done. The number of people I have killed is staggering and there is not a pennance in existance that can allow me to atone for my sins.” Ian pulled his arm from her touch, “But that is something that I will have to live with.” An intese swell of sympathy rolled through Inara’s heart for Ian and she carressed his face, “What did they do to you Ian? The man I was with on Earth could not have been a murderer, it was not in his nature.” Ian smiled longingly at her and took her hand in his, “Inara, I have thought long about that. Perhaps that really is my nature. Maybe that’s why they chose me instead of likking me. It is a possibility I have to face.” Ian’s eyes softened, “I believe now that my time with you was only a respite from what I really was. Those few days were the only time in my life when I had absolutely no pain;felt no fear. I was truly free then and there is no way I can thank you for that.” “Ian people can change,” Inara pleaded passionately, “what you felt and what we experienced those days is also part of you nature. You can be that person again. I know you can.” Inara pulled Ian into the nape of her neck. Her breath came in short pants as the emotion, long buried, now welled up in her heart. Ian’s hands were she remembered them and they brought back to her a time in her life when excitement was still alive at the prospect of meeting someone new. Her innocence was still with her then and there was still mystery in the universe;still time for her fairy tale to come true. A time before the ugliness of men, governments and life had sullied her dreams. Ian raised his lips to her ear and spoke softly, “Inara, how I wish we could both go back there. I cannot run from what I have become nor drag you down with me. I have loved you with every ounce of my being since that first day and that love will forever remain untainted. It is the one place I can retreat to. It is the one place to which I can escape when my life closes in on me. You may never know the magnitude of the gift you gave me.” Inara stroked his hair and kissed his earlobe, “Let’s leave. We can go anywhere you want and leave all this behind. Throw away the past and make a future.” “Inara,” Ian pulled his head back and looked into her liquid brown eyes, “you don’t know how many times I have htught of just that thing. But you can never leave your past behind. It is part of what shapes your future. As much as I would dream it to, my future cannot include you. There is no future in me Inara. The Jesuit order I joined has been able to hide me from my former organization so far. But there is no life for me or anyone with me without the constant threat of death from them. That is something I could not bring on another.” “Oh, Ian,” Inara’s eyes became misty with emotion, “I am willing to take that chance. I am not some soft damsel who needs to be…” “You are in love with someone else Inara,” Ian cut her off. “What…” the words hit Inara like a hammer and she starred at Ian with astonishment. He put his large hand on her chest, “I can feel it in your heart Inara. You are in love with Captain Reynolds. You are in love with what I was and what we were and what we could have been. Malcolm is the here and now.” “But, how do you know…” Inara started to ask and Ian put hid finger to her lips. “I can feel it Inara. He loves you also and would do anything to protect you. He is the type of man you could build a future with. Make a family with him Inara if you are so inclined. I would be happy knowing that.” Inara looked into his eyes for several then threw her arms around him, squeezing tightly, “I will always love you Ian. Nothing will ever change that.” His muscular arms closed around her, “You are part of my soul and I will carry you with me until I die. Nothing can ever alter that.” Ian stood up, still holding Inara, her feet dangleing off the floor. Gently he set her down on the deck plates. Stooping slightly he kissed her forhead and brushed her hair from her face. He smiled once more, then turned and walked thorugh the doorway. Inara stood with her arms wrapped around her waist, mind reeling and emotions in turmoil. As she looked at the stars, Gayne’s adagio played a requiem for the love she bore Ian.