A/N: This chapter is rated NC-17, you have been warned.

Thanks to Leiasky and Kaynara for the beta. And keep those comments coming … I’ve got the worst writer’s block trying to finish up the third part of this trilogy. Your encouragement keeps me going!

Simon regarded Kaylee from the doorway to the patio. Once they’d returned from the hospital, barely a word spoken between them, she had drifted outdoors, perching herself on the edge of one of their deck chairs, staring at the sky as it darkened from blue to black.

He had tried a half a dozen times to approach her, to ask her what had happened that had not only landed her in the hospital, but why she’d been so bereft when he’d found her with Eli. But each time Simon took a step towards her, he took it right back; what could he possibly say that would help? And what if whatever he said ended up hurting her more?

Shuddering slightly, he swallowed hard as he remembered Helen’s whispered explanation of how she’d found Kaylee at the orphanage. While Simon did not and could not believe that Kaylee would knowingly injure herself, even he had to admit that the scene Helen had described and the behaviors his love was exhibiting painted that picture. What could he possibly hope to do for her now?

Sighing softly, he glanced back into their living room, noting the time. Regardless of whether he felt he should talk with her, he knew he had to – it was time for her medication.

Returning to her side a few minutes later with a glass of water and two pills, Simon knelt beside her and said softly, “Kaylee.”

Pulling her eyes from the dark sky, Kaylee looked to him with such sadness and regret he felt his breath catch in his throat. Doing his best not to give into the despair her felt at his own helplessness, Simon offered her the medication. “It’s time to take these.”

With a shaky hand, Kaylee reached for the small pills, placing them in her mouth and then, trembling even harder, took the glass from him, sipping some water down and taking a big swallow. As she handed the drink back to him, Simon took it, his hand touching hers and he started at how cold she was. Rising, he moved to sit behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her back to him. “You’re freezing,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her chilled skin.

Nodding slightly, Kaylee glanced to him over her shoulder, a mixture of pain and anxiety now warring with her sadness. With a heavy sigh that seemed to deflate her entire body, she turned fully into his embrace and sank against his chest. Simon tightened his arms around her, holding fast as she trembled a bit and snuggled even closer.

He wished he had the power to protect her from everything – just as he’d wished he’d had the power to heal River. But once again, Simon found himself incapable of helping the two most important women in his life.

Simon sat with her in silence, more than reluctant to ask the question he knew he had to. Kaylee was content to let the quiet remain, her small form seeming unbelievably frail as she curled herself tighter against him.

Taking a deep breath and reaffirming his hold on her, Simon finally whispered into her hair, “Can you tell me what happened?”

More silence. For a moment he worried that perhaps she hadn’t heard him, but a small sigh confirmed that she had. Simon let the quiet stretch on, determined to learn the truth, but unwilling to cause her already fragile psyche more damage.

“Ain’t nothin’ to tell.” Her voice was a bit shaky and hoarse and Simon wondered briefly how much she’d been crying, how many tears she’d shed alone and scared, without his knowledge. The thought saddened him immensely.

“The glass broke. I got cut.”

Sighing heavily, Simon closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself and then admitted, “Kaylee, I saw your chart. Those cuts you have – you couldn’t have gotten them accidentally.” She gasped almost inaudibly, but Simon felt her stiffen in his arms and he knew he’d hit close to home. “What happened?”

Reluctant to move from both the warmth and comfort of Simon’s arms, Kaylee shifted slightly, getting as much distance as she could without disentangling herself. Her voice low, she told him, “I was tryin’ to clean up. Din’t want none o’ the lil’ ones gettin’ cut.”

“Kaylee.” Simon allowed his voice to convey some of his anger – not anger directed at her, but at the entire situation and his inability to help. “Why did you cut yourself?”

Releasing a heavy sigh, she closed her eyes, blinking back a few hot tears. She had known Simon would realize the truth and call her on it, but her heart splintered just a bit more as she realized how incredibly foolish and childish it must all seem.

“It din’t hurt,” she told him softly, her eyes focused on the bandage covering her hand. Taking a deep breath, she finally lifted empty eyes to his face and breathed again, “It din’t hurt, Simon. I didn’t feel nothin’.”

More sadness welled in his gut as Simon registered her words and saw the small beads of tears fall from the corners of her already swollen eyes. Pulling her close to him once again, Simon held her tight even as she tried to pull away.

“I can’t, I can’t feel anythin’.” Her breath came in short pants as she struggled to breathe. Simon, his doctor instincts kicking in, placed his fingers to her wrist and felt her speeding heart rate.

“Kaylee,” he ordered, taking her face in his hands and forcing her wild eyes to lock with his blue ones. “Kaylee, look at me. You have to focus. Just breathe.” Shuddering with the effort of drawing in long, deep breaths, Kaylee kept her green eyes locked on Simon’s as he breathed with her, the exercise helping his own panicked heart rate to slow.

As he watched her calm herself, and felt her heart rate come back under control, Simon pressed a kiss to her forehead. Her face was still exceptionally pale, much paler than he liked, but Simon would take what he could get at the moment.

For her part, Kaylee was simply struggling to form a coherent thought. Most of her mental and emotional faculties had been gripped with both irrational fear and haunting images since the news of her family’s abduction had really hit home. More unbidden images sprang to mind now … blood running from the cut in her arm … those tiny and peaceful babies sleeping and crying in the hospital’s nursery … Simon’s pained face when he’d been forced – all those months ago – to tell her of their loss …

“I was wrong.”

Simon forced his attention back to Kaylee, pulling his mind from the desolate place it had wandered to. Looking back to her hollow eyes, he asked, “Shen me?”

Lifting those dead, dark green orbs to his face, she repeated, “I was wrong ‘fore. Me not gettin’ pregnant ain’t my punishment for killin’ our baby.” As Simon released an audible gasp, Kaylee finished quietly, “This is. My whole family’s gonna die ‘cause o’ what I did.”

Before Simon could react, Kaylee bolted to her feet, anger now replacing the despair in her eyes. Ripping ferociously at the bandage covering her arm, Kaylee began sobbing and screaming simultaneously, the wild sound catching Simon off guard.

As he watched, dumfounded and frozen, the white bandages fell in shreds at her feet. Simon finally propelled himself into action. Reaching her before she dug her nails into the still fresh wound and weave, Simon held her wrists tightly in his strong hands.

“Kaylee, stop this!” His voice cracked on the last word and he swallowed hard, determined to be strong for her.

“Let me go, Simon!: I ain’t never gonna see ‘em ‘gain! I ain’t never gonna … “ Her words dissolved into angry tears and body shuddering sobs. Simon tugged gently on her wrists and pulled her to him, wrapping strong arms around her shaking form and keeping her on her feet.

Gently pressing a kiss to her temple, Simon whispered, “Mal will find them, Kaylee.” Deep shuddering breaths replaced her tears and Simon continued to hold her, whispering soothing words into her hair. Eventually, he just kept repeating, “I love you,” over and over and over again and Kaylee snaked her good arm out and around his shoulder, pressing them tightly together.

“Help me, Simon,” she finally whispered. “Please.”

Squeezing his eyes closed, Simon answered with another kiss to her cheek. “I’m here.”

Mal rounded the corner more than ready to put the hurt on Badger and stopped short, disappointed and a bit annoyed to find Zoe already administering a weave to their informant’s cheek.

Glancing to Jayne, the big merc simply shrugged while wiping his favorite knife, Boo, across the dirty shammy in his hand. “He moved.”

“I had to scratch my gorram ear,” Badger retorted hotly, wincing as Zoe pressed a bit too hard on the cut. His beady eyes full of anger directed at Jayne were now flashing annoyance at the Amazon woman.

“Still moved,” Jayne responded. Re-sheathing his knife, Jayne crossed his huge arms over his chest and glared at their captive. “So, you gonna talk now?”

“Can’t ‘magine why I would,” Badger told him, looking to Zoe as she finished and moved to wash her hands and clean up.

“Well, Badge, ‘magine this.” Mal took the seat Zoe had vacated, slapping his captive’s knee and getting a scowl from the little man in return. “I actually told Jayne not to hurt ya yet.” Studying the cut, Mal shrugged and explained, “He don’t listen to well. So ‘magine what he’ll hear when I actually tell ‘im to be a bit more aggressive.”

“Yeah, he’s real non-specific,” Jayne growled, towering over Mal’s shoulder and giving Badger his most feral grin.

“Still not feelin’ too much like sharing,” Badger responded petulantly.

Zoe turned to face them, wiping her now clean hands and leaning against the counter. “We could always push him out the airlock, sir,” she said, her tone completely serious.

As Badger’s eyes widened in horror, Mal sat back and sighed. “True. I hate to add to all that space trash already floatin’ by, but …” He sighed again and then looked to Jayne. “You might as well.”

“You wouldn’t?” Badger breathed, watching with a wary eye as Jayne lumbered forward, Mal rising to make room. As the burly man’s meaty paw wrapped around Badger’s impossibly scrawny arm, he finally gave in. “All right, all right. What’d ya wanna know?”

“We’ve already been through that, Badger.” Mal really could not believe how often they’d had to rely on this piece of go se to give them business or keep them flying. Gotta make some new contacts.

“Look, I don’t know where they are or what they do with their cargo-“

In a flash of action that caught both Zoe and Jayne off guard, Mal rushed Badger, lifting the man from his seat and pinning him to the wall with his elbow crushing uncomfortably against the smaller man’s windpipe. Badger’s hands, already cuffed behind his back, slammed into the wall and he struggled to breathe as Mal whispered vehemently, “They’re people, Badger. People, not cargo.”

Mal watched as the man’s eyes bugged out of his head and his face turned from bright red to a light shade of blue. He’d have no problem ending this rodent’s life, but that wouldn’t help him get Kaylee’s family back and that was all that mattered right now.

“Sir.” Zoe placed a hand to his shoulder, giving him an easy, but firm shove back, wrapping her other hand around Badger’s elbow as the man sank to his knees once Mal’s grip was gone.

Sputtering, angry and embarrassed, Badger glared hotly at Mal as he took deep breaths and fought to get his rage under control. Zoe watched her captain and then turned back to their captive. “Maybe you wanna tell us somethin’ before we kill you.” She shrugged. “It’s just a thought.”

Coughing a few times, Badger finally managed to force out something useful. “They normally hit the Persephone route right afore they hit one comin’ off Ariel. You might have time to get to ‘em.”

“Times and dates, Badger,” Zoe ordered.

Rolling his eyes, Badger muttered something under his breath and then said, “I’d guess less than ten hours.”

“We need coordinates.”

“No, we don’t.”

All eyes in the room snapped towards the doorway to find River standing there, pale as a ghost. With one hand resting against the door jamb, she regarded Badger steadily, her head cocked to one side. After a few long moments of silence, she blinked once and then shifted her wide-eyed gaze to Mal. “We don’t need anything else from him,” she reported in a whisper and than floated away as silently as she had arrived.

Smirking, Mal slowly swiveled his head back to look at the little man and said in a drawl, “Well, well, well. What are we gonna do with you now?”

Kaylee awoke and found herself in bed, the room mostly dark except for a sliver of golden light coming from the bathroom. Feeling a small stab of pain in her arm, she glanced to the side of the bed and made out Simon’s dark shadow as he redressed her wounds in silence. She had no idea how long she’d been asleep or how she’d gotten into bed, but she could remember their last conversation and she shuddered at what she’d said and how she behaved.

“Simon.”

Her voice was hoarse and it surprised him a bit. He’d been so focused on working in the darkness that he hadn’t noticed her wake. Reaching over to the bedside table, he flipped on the small lamp and watched as Kaylee shielded her face with her good hand at the new light source. Blinking rapidly, her green eyes adjusted and she forced herself to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

Frowning softly, Simon made sure her arm was wrapped tightly and then edged closer, running a hand through her soft hair. “Don’t be,” he told her quietly. “I just want to help. I want you to know that I’m here, no matter what.” Leaning down, he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and whispered, “I love you, Kaylee. Nothing will change that.”

Swallowing thickly, she murmured, “I know. I love you, too.” As he leaned back to again study her pale, stricken face, Kaylee blinked back a few more tears and then murmured, “It scared me.”

His brow furrowing as he tried to put two and two together, Simon asked, “Shen me?”

“When I cut myself an’ it didn’t hurt,” she explained, turning her head slightly to the side. A lone tear rolled from the corner of her eye down into her hair and Simon caught the next one with his thumb as she added, “I ain’t never felt so hollow afore, so dead. Not even after Miranda or nothin’. I feel like …” Her voice faltered as she realized what she was about to say. She realized it would sound foolish and possibly weak and that wasn’t who she was nor was it the woman Simon deserved.

But Simon refused to let her hide any longer. “Feel like what, bao bei?” he asked quietly, his hand still running soothingly through her hair, his other resting gently against her waist.

Sighing heavily, Kaylee closed her eyes and forced the words out in a rush. “Like I’m empty. Like there ain’t nothin’ left an’ I ain’t never gonna feel again.”

Simon had been fairly certain that his already aching heart could not hurt more. But Kaylee’s words proved him wrong. He was the one who should feel dead on the inside – hell, if it hadn’t been for Kaylee he probably would be – dead, lifeless, unable to feel or love anyone except his beloved sister. Kaylee had given him so much and now it seemed a foolish act of his planning was going to take those same traits away from her.

“You will, Kaylee, you will.” Simon wished he knew of a way to heal her, heal this pain, but there was nothing. Leaning over her again, he kissed her forehead, and kept whispering, “You will,” even as his lips traveled from her forehead to her eyelids to her cheeks and finally to her soft lips.

Kaylee had expected to again feel nothing once Simon’s lips closed over hers, but she found instead her body responded in an instant at the contact. Reaching her good hand up and wrapping it around his neck, she kept his mouth on hers, forcing him to part his lips as her tongue thrust hungrily against them. As his tongue found hers, Kaylee tightened her hand on his neck, slipping her fingers through his hair. She wished her other arm was better so she could more firmly hold him, but as her tongue explored his mouth and they kissed each other breathless, she realized she didn’t really need it.

Forced to part for air, Simon pulled away from her panting. His forehead resting against hers, he breathed, “Kaylee-“

Kissing him again, Kaylee moved her lips from his, across his cheek until her tongue swirled around his ear. “Don’t, Simon. No talkin’.” As he wrapped one strong arm around her shoulders, her continued ministrations causing him to shudder, she whispered hotly, “Make love to me.”

The words sent a jolt of need and desire straight to his groin and Simon felt his pants tightening uncomfortably. Unable to meet her gaze as her mouth moved down his neck and began to nip at the skin of his shoulder, he trembled and murmured, “Are you sure?”

Nodding once, Kaylee sucked on the flesh for another moment, before finally pulling away. Struggling to sit up, she accepted his help and waited until they were facing each other before speaking. Resting her hand to his cheek, she said, “I wanna feel, Simon.” Moving the hand she held to his face down to the front of his shirt, she wrapped her fist into the material and drew his mouth back to hers. “Make me feel,” she whispered, her breath tickling his lips before she crushed her mouth hungrily over his.

Despite Simon’s better judgment, his body could not deny her. Wrapping one hand into her hair and kissing her more urgently than before, Simon moved his other arm back around her waist, pulling her body flush with his. Kaylee moaned against his mouth as she felt his hardening length press into her thigh and Simon groaned as her free hand roamed down the front of his chest to his pants. Her dexterous fingers made short work of the fastenings and within a minute she had freed him from the confines of his pants and shorts. As her fingertips lightly brushed against him, Simon nibbled at her lips before lowering his mouth to her neck and sucking even harder on the skin there.

Kaylee’s head fell back as he pushed aside the collar of her shirt to expose more skin, his tongue and teeth alternately laving and grazing the flesh. Each pass of his mouth made her body tremble with anticipation and Kaylee delighted in it. Her core was already warm and getting hotter as Simon’s sure hands moved down her body. Cupping her breasts through her clothes and gently massaging them, his expert fingers tweaked the already hard nipples, eliciting a small squeal of pleasure from her.

Discouraged by the amount of clothing they were still wearing, Simon forced himself to pull his mouth from her neck. Smiling softly at the adorable pout that clouded her face, he reached for the buttons of her tunic, taking time to unfasten each one. His fingers slipped under the fabric to brush against her heated skin and Kaylee let out a shuddering breath as he finally reached the buttons between her heaving breasts. Passing light hands over the sensitive flesh, Simon’s smile grew deeper as Kaylee’s pants came faster. Her eyes, wild with passion, met his coy gaze and he watched her return his small grin as she moved her hand up to meet his, placing it firmly inside her shirt and over one of her almost bared breasts.

“You always were good at giving instruction,” he murmured as he brought his mouth back to her swollen lips and kissed her again, this time taking a moment to tease her lips with his tongue before crushing them together.

Squirming beneath him as he leaned over her more fully, Kaylee managed to respond, “You were always pretty good at followin’ ‘em.”

Simon smiled against her mouth, as the hand already inside her undone shirt ran down her side and wrapped around the small of her back. Laying her out fully on the bed, he parted her knees carefully with one of his own, covering her warm, supple body with his. He was careful of her injured arm, and worked the rest of the buttons on her shirt so that the flimsy fabric finally fell to her sides, exposing her chest and stomach to him.

Leaning away, Simon stared at the perfection of her for a moment, his hand moving back around to the front to draw lazy circles on her flat stomach. Shifting again, Kaylee’s hips rubbed against his erection and Simon hissed sharply at the contact, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. “Don’t keep me waitin’,” she reminded him, doing her best to rid him of his shirt with just the one hand.

Regaining use of his senses, Simon noticed her struggle and sat up. Quickly unbuttoning his shirt, he dropped the garment onto the floor and then stood, shrugging out of his pants and unders all at once. Moving back to her, Kaylee’s eyes flicked up and down his deliciously naked form and Simon did not miss the lustful fire burning in her eyes.

Sitting back down beside her, he slowly undid the clasp of her trousers, taking extra care to brush his fingers against her. He tried hard to hide his smile of satisfaction when she let out a low mewl in the back of her throat, but apparently, he didn’t try hard enough. “You’re doin’ that on purpose,” she panted, barely able to say the words as her body responded to his touch.

Not answering her, Simon finally pulled the pants off her legs, removing her panties as well. Discarding them beside his shirt, he looked back to her now naked form and released the smallest sigh of content.

Kaylee caught him staring, and felt her despair rising again. She just wanted him, inside her, making love to her so hard he could break her. She needed that, needed that release and that distraction. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew it was selfish and probably wrong, but she didn’t care.

Reaching out her hand to him, Kaylee waited until he’d grasped it firmly in his own, before tugging him back on top of her. “Please, Simon,” she breathed as their lips met again. “Make me feel.”

Her desperation was almost his complete undoing. Kissing her again, Simon gently nudged her thighs apart with one of his knees and, positioning himself at her wet and warm entrance, he slid his throbbing length inside of her. He entered her in one smooth motion, just the way she liked and Kaylee’s hips instinctively rose off the bed to meet the welcome intrusion.

Both of them gasping as they again let the exquisite feel of their joined bodies wash over them, Simon gently cupped her cheeks in his hands as he began to move. He went slowly, pushing into her as far as he could before pulling back out almost completely and then repeating the motion. Kaylee, her mouth open in a silent pant, wrapped her good hand around his shoulder, digging her nails in so hard Simon knew they would leave marks.

Kaylee was finally lost somewhere she wanted to be; she was lost in Simon. As she had been before, she was lost in his touch, his words, his breath as it came in small puffs against her cheek and her shoulder and her breasts, as his mouth moved along her flushed skin while he worked himself inside her. She wanted to do more than lie there, wanted Simon to get pleasure from their coupling as well, but his touch had left her boneless and so Kaylee did all she could to hold on tight and focus only on him.

Simon watched her closely, looking for any signs of distress, any sign that she might have realized this wasn’t what she needed after all. But instead, all he saw were her closed eyelids and all he could hear were her soft little murmurs of his name as it escaped her swollen lips in breathless bursts. And he could feel her, ai ya, he could feel her. Her wet heat enveloped him, making him wish he could stay buried in her forever. He realized now, as his own movements became more erratic, that she was close, her inner walls tightening around him and flooding his already slick cock with more of her juices. She would come soon and Simon increased his rhythm, his thrusts shorter and harder as Kaylee’s pants turned into cries of pleasure.

“Simon!” His name tore from her lips as one final thrust brought about her end. He held her, his arms around her lower back and her shoulders as she trembled, his own release almost coming simultaneously. Simon buried his face in the crook of Kaylee’s neck, inhaling her wonderfully sweet scent and the smell of their coupling on her skin.

He continued to hold her as her body continued to ride out the aftermath of her orgasm, but as one minute ticked by into two and Simon regained his own senses, he realized she was shaking much too hard. A sudden lump rising in his throat, Simon pushed himself onto his elbows, gazing at her strained face in the light and noticed the tears falling from under her tightly closed lids.

Gently wiping at her cheeks with his thumbs, Simon stayed buried within her as he whispered, “Bao bei? Did I hurt you? Are you all right?”

Shaking her head once, Kaylee fought to control her breathing so she could actually speak. Forcing her eyes open, she offered him a weak, sad smile. “No, sweetie, that was amazing, I just …” More tears fell and the sobs choked her throat, making any other explanation impossible.

Simon, his initial fears put to rest, knew her sadness now was again focused on her family and so, with one more brush to her lips, he rolled onto his back, bringing Kaylee with him and holding her to his chest.

Wrapping his arms around her tightly, he whispered into her hair, “Everything’s going to be all right, Kaylee.”

She nodded once, and gently laid her injured arm over his stomach. “Just hold me, ‘kay?”

Embracing her more tightly in silent answer, Simon found himself praying to the Shepherd as she continued to cry.

Inara wondered if she might be making an irrevocable mistake. She sat nervously in a small office, the room lined with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, all crammed with papers and books. She had been waiting for a little over ten minutes and she knew it was the prolonged time alone with her thoughts that was causing her doubt.

Mal and Serenity had been off chasing after Kaylee’s family for only a little over two days. But in those two days, Kaylee had wound up in the hospital for cutting herself and Simon had finally taken his leave from work, choosing to stay home with her. The Tams seemed to be getting on fairly well with the Butlers and so Inara had found herself bored. Bored and still curious …

She wanted to see her daughter, wanted to know her. And that desire, one that had been a constant in the past six months was what had propelled her to this small room in the orphanage Kaylee had been volunteering at. The same orphanage her daughter had been adopted from a little over ten years ago.

The sound of the door opening jolted Inara from her thoughts and she rose to face the woman who entered. Extending her hand, she asked, “Tabitha Marshall, I presume?”

The other woman shook the offered hand and then gestured Inara back to her seat. As she sat behind her desk, the director told her, “Tabby, please, Miss Serra?”

Nodding once in acknowledgement, Inara corrected, “Inara, thank you. I do appreciate you seeing me on such short notice.”

Smiling kindly, Tabby told her, “Well, Kaylee has mentioned you often enough. How is she?”

“About as well as can be expected,” Inara answered vaguely, the mention of her hurting friend causing her guilt to resurface. “She’s actually the reason I came.”

“Oh?”

“Well, I realize that Kaylee was going to be on her honeymoon by now anyway, so you might have already made other arrangements.” Ai ya, she was rambling. Snap out of it, Inara. Taking a deep breath, she paused and then said, “I actually came to see if I might volunteer for a bit in her place.”

The slightly shocked look that flashed in the woman’s eyes was not lost on Inara. Tabby sat back in her chair and regarded Inara for a moment in silence. “Well, we can always use the help. We’ll need to do a background check of course …” She let another pause fall between them and then asked, “Have you ever worked with children before?”

Fixing Tabitha was a small smirk, Inara told her, “If you’d ever met my nang peng you, you wouldn’t be asking that question.”

Barking out a sharp laugh, Tabby stood and extended her hand to Inara. “Oh, you’ll do very well here.” Shuffling through a few papers on her desk, she handed her one and said, “Fill this out and we’ll get that check done right away. You should be able to come back tomorrow morning as long as nothing flags us.”

Accepting the form, Inara nodded once, murmuring a ‘thank you’ as Tabby again left. Sinking into her seat, Inara closed her eyes for a moment and whispered a silent prayer. Oh Buddha, please let me have made the right decision.

Rafe tossed in his narrow bunk and sighed mightily. When exactly had it become impossible for him to sleep without River’s warm form next to him? He had already been to the bridge, asking her to come to bed, but with that enigmatic smile she favored, she’d simply told him to go ahead without her. And now, he was simply abusing his mattress as he tossed from one side to the other.

Sighing heavily once again, he threw an arm over his eyes, trying to count sheep or some fool thing. He was so focused on his own breathing, he didn’t hear the whisper of the screen as it slid open and closed. But he did feel the dip in the mattress as River settled onto the bunk.

Snapping his eyes open, he smiled lazily at her as she straddled his prone form, her knees on either side of his hips. Resting his hands at her waist, his smile deepened as she lowered her mouth to his, kissing him almost chastely, her hair tickling his bare chest.

As she pulled away, her liquid eyes staring into his blue, he asked her, “Finally feelin’ sleepy, Riv?”

Cocking an eyebrow at him, River wiggled a bit, getting a slight groan from him as her hips placed delicious pressure on his groin. “Not so much sleepy, no,” she told him coyly. Dipping her head close once again, she smiled against his mouth as he cradled the back of her head in his hand and kissed her urgently.

It was easy for River to become lost in this, lost in the physical sensation of being close to Rafe. His love for her flowed so easily from his mind into hers that River was often overwhelmed by the depth of his emotion. She had no idea when the two of them had become so important to the other, but she craved the contact, the closeness that came with it.

Dropping her hands to his chest, River stretched her body on top of his, her small breasts pressing firmly into his flesh as she pulled herself taut against him. Rafe’s hands moved down and around her waist, one sinking lower to grip at her bottom and push it more firmly against his growing hardness. River gasped into his mouth at the feeling, both physical and emotional that sparked through her at the contact.

Rafe’s tongue battled for dominance with her own and River realized that she wanted to give herself over to this – to him. She wanted to be lost, she wanted to disengage the walls she’d spent the year or so since Miranda building. If she could just feel, she knew the pleasure would be undeniable – and her connection to Rafe would be unbreakable.

As his hands groped at her flesh, trying valiantly to touch every part of her and set her on fire, River slowly pried her walls down, one at a time. She felt one swing away and sighed as another bit of Rafe’s emotions washed through her. Her own body was already burning from his touch, her core beginning to heat from the inside out and River realized how ready she was to be consumed by him, by his love for her. She wanted to do the same for him.

One by one, the walls came down and River felt her mind start to spin out of control. She fought the fear that came. Rafe interpreted her gasp of surprise as one of pleasure and redoubled his efforts, his hands roaming up her thigh and stroking her sides. His hand was warm against her pale skin, his fingers having found the hem of her thin dress and bunched it up just above her hips.

River attacked his mouth with abandon, doing her best to ride the wave of good emotion she felt and ignore the niggling fear that was becoming more and more pronounced. As the walls fell, emotions and images she worked hard to keep at bay flooded through, the good with the bad, and she tightened her hands where they were wrapped around his shoulders, digging in hard as she watched herself cut down a Reaver on Miranda.

Rafe broke his mouth away from hers, surprised by the amount of pressure in her hands as they dug in his flesh. Worried that something was wrong, he lifted one hand to her face, tilting her chin up so he could look in her eyes. The lack of recognition in those brown depths frightened him.

“Riv?” he questioned softly, bringing his other hand up and cradling her cheeks. “River, can you hear me?”

Inhaling sharply, River sat up swiftly as everyone’s emotions on the ship flooded through her consciousness. The captain was sad and missing Inara, worried that their relationship was too good to be true; Zoe was dreaming again of Wash, her hands roaming over her body as she imagined her dead husband’s touch; Jayne was dreaming of Vera – not the gun, the woman – and his despair as he watched her die again in his dreams cut through River like a knife. And there was Badger; trussed up a few feet away, his thoughts murderous and angry at being held against his will.

Finally, there was Rafe, his desire and passion clouded now by fear and concern over River’s behavior. And River, filled to bursting with the emotions of everyone else could no longer sort out her own feelings; she was out of control.

“Too soon,” she murmured, pushing herself off of Rafe and standing on shaky legs. “Too soon, not enough control.” Closing her eyes, she saw more images flash by, the ones that she tried so hard to keep at bay, the ones she tried to pretend belonged to someone else. The ones of her killing and murdering; ones of her covered in blood. When her walls were in place, steady and strong, she could make believe that all of that darkness, all of that badness had happened to someone else; she could pretend that she had never gone to the Academy, that she had never been trained to kill or been taken apart and put back together again. She couldn’t pretend anymore.

“River?” Rafe reached out a hand to her, which she shied away from, backing to the far side of the bunk, her shoulder blades hitting the wall hard. He watched in horror as tears welled in her eyes. Sitting up swiftly and doing his best to ignore the hardness between his legs, he crouched in front of her and whispered, “River, what is it? Did I hurt ya, babe?”

“Too much, too soon,” she whispered again. Bringing large eyes back to his face, she stared for a second more before bolting, the screen door left open hastily in her wake. Sighing, Rafe dropped his chin to his chest doing his best to collect himself. He had never pushed her for anything more physical although Buddha knew he wanted too.

It turned his stomach to think of how eagerly he’d accepted her advances tonight, not even questioning the sudden change in her behavior or if she was truly ready. You are a sick dog, Rafe, he admonished himself, shifting to sit on the edge of his bunk. His erection was lessening quickly and he decided to wait a few more moments before going after his girl.

The fear in her eyes had him worried as did the fact that kissing him had put it there.

Translations: Nang peng you - Boyfriend

Chapter 11