Firefly, Serenity, and all related proprietary characters are the intellectual property of Joss Whedon and corporations with whom I have no affiliation. Said property does not belong to me, and the fictional story below is of my own creation. (I don’t own ‘em, just like to play with ‘em!)

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“Do? Jayne, I’m not sure there’s anyone, anywhere, who can make River better, Simon included.” Inara shifted Kaylee to sit up next to her on the bed, but Kaylee was unwilling to completely let go yet, so she ended up leaning her head on Inara’s shoulder. “However, I think it’s good that you would like to help. The two of you seem to be getting along better lately.” “Feel bad is all. Ain’t right what they did to her.” Jayne’s voice had softened some with that last admission. “Is it bad that I’m glad she can do all that stuff? Ya know, back there in that room… we were gonna die fer sure, but she saved our sorry—” “Jayne! Manners!” Kaylee’s interruption was unexpected, but it seemed to have the desired effect as Jayne shut up. “I’m all manner of thankful she stopped them Reavers, but River’s scary sometimes. Day before the job on Lilac, I was in the bay when Simon found her sitting on a railing over my head ‘bout twelve feet up. When Simon tried to make her get down, she pulled him over the railing, and just kept sittin’ there smilin’ like nothin’ was wrong. Landed right on top of me, hurt like crazy, but if he’d hit the deck, he woulda broke somethin’ fer sure.” “Sorry ya got hurt, Kaylee-bear, but that idiot had it comin’. Thinks he’s lord ‘n’ master of the whole gorram boat, especially when it comes to his sister. Treats her like a little kid, but she ain’t… prob’ly that more’n anythin’ else that gets her all riled up. I can remember my sisters when they was teenagers, they hated bein’ told what ta do all the time.” Jayne appeared almost wistful as he reminisced. Inara almost died of shock. Who would have thought Jayne, of all people, could have insight pertaining to little girls, much less any concerning River? “Jayne, you never told us you have siblings. You could be right about River. She might be seventeen on the outside, but she’s still younger than that on the inside, if what little she’s told me about the Academy is any indication. As far as I can tell, the drugs they used stunted her emotional and social development. She acts more like fourteen than seventeen most days.” Kaylee chuckled. “I can remember being quite the troublemaker at that age. Prob’ly got scolded at least once every day from thirteen to sixteen before I learned any better.” Jayne’s discomfort from being in an unfamiliar environment had faded some, but he was still on edge and his voice betrayed as much. “So whadda I do? Not like I can just space her brother, she’d go ballistic. An’ much as I hate to admire him, he’s persistent ‘bout controllin’ her ‘cause he thinks it’ll help’er.” Inara pondered the question for moment. He’s so much smarter than he lets on, why can’t he be like this all the time? “Perhaps Kaylee and I, maybe Zoë, can find ways to keep Simon distracted or occupied more of the time. If he’s paying attention to other people, he won’t have as much time to dote on River. But I think the best way to help River is not to do anything special at all. She seems to like just sitting with people, light conversation sometimes. I would imagine it makes her feel more normal if we don’t treat her like she’s different.” “Why don’t ya ask River to sit with ya nex’ time yer gonna clean yer guns an’ such? They all gotta be unloaded anyways, not like she could get in any real trouble even if she’s havin’ a bad day. She might like that.” Kaylee had relinquished her position on Inara’s shoulder and was now sitting upright. “That’s not half bad, Kaylee-bear. Hell, maybe she might know somethin’ ‘bout ‘em even I don’t. She’s like one of them fancy books the doc has on medicine an’ such, she knows all manner of interestin’ things. Told me the other day that ages ago, back on Earth-That-Was, there was this place called Rome, and she told me some story about some guy that basically owned everything there was to own, ‘til he got murdered by a bunch of people he thought were friends.” Inara was careful to avoid laughing aloud, but on the inside, she was near bursting. I’ll have to ask River later what prompted her to tell Jayne about Julius Caesar. Her stories always have a point, even if none of us get it right away. “Just make sure that you leave all your ammunition in your bunk, please? Not even any in your pockets, we wouldn’t want to have any accidents.” “Sure thing, ‘Nara.” Jayne got up and placed the chair carefully back at the desk. “Thanks for this, both of ya. Feel a bit better now that I got a plan.” “Yer welcome, Jayne. Glad I could help.” Kaylee’s smile had finally returned. Inara stood and slid the curtain back for Jayne. “Your visit was unexpected, Jayne, but it was very pleasant, and hopefully productive. Perhaps you might consider another if you would like to discuss this again.” Jayne nodded as he reached the door and slid it open. “Somethin’ to think on. But right now, I got myself a genius to find. Gotta make sure she didn’t hurt herself when she hit her brother.” With a wave towards Kaylee, Jayne stepped out of the shuttle and shut the door behind him. As soon as Jayne’s steps had faded, Kaylee nearly squealed in excitement. “Oh ‘Nara, this is just shiny! If Jayne’s worried ‘bout River, maybe he’ll start bein’ nicer to everybody now. She’s the one person that irritated him the most the last six months, and if he’s gettin’ along with her, maybe he’ll get along with everybody.” Inara still felt a little skeptical, but for what reason, she couldn’t determine. “Maybe, bǎo bèi… maybe.” Jayne had been looking all over the ship, and after half an hour, he abandoned his search. Gorramit, the one time I’m actually lookin’ for her, and she’s off hidin’ someplace. Arriving in the lounge, he acknowledged Zoë with a grunt. She looked up from her book and nodded, but made no attempt at conversation, so Jayne collapsed onto the couch. Can’t hide forever, maybe if she walks off by herself after dinner, I can ask her then. Jayne sighed audibly before leaning back and staring towards the kitchen. Wonder what’s for dinner… hope Simon ain’t cookin’ again, always tastes like gŏu shĭ. River walked into the lounge to find Jayne on the couch, lost in thought, and Zoë sitting in a chair. “She came to thank him. Sometimes the girl doesn’t know how to tell gē ge what she needs and what she doesn’t, so he won’t listen to the girl.” Startled, Jayne’s head snapped around to face River. “Yer welcome, I guess. Weren’t no trouble.” Jayne slid over to one side, leaving a seat next to him. “Wanna sit here for a bit and rest ‘til Mal gets finished with his wave and we can eat dinner? Yer brother went past a bit ago, think he’s busy with somethin’ or other in his bunk, won’t bother you none.” Zoë’s eyes narrowed as she looked up from her book, but when River smiled, Zoë decided she could relax a little. “Have about fifteen minutes before the food is ready still. Captain’s turn to cook, think I’ll go set the table for him.” Zoë got up and walked into the adjacent kitchen, close enough to respond to a problem, but far away enough not to be intruding. River didn’t seem to like being baby-sat. Much to her surprise, Mal was already setting the table. “Hey Zoë, good timing. Can you go get Kaylee and ‘Nara? Just about to set the table, ten minutes ‘til dinner’s served.” Mal turned back to the stove, stirring the pot on the range while shuffling through the spice rack with his other hand. Finding the rosemary packet, Mal gleefully added a bit to the pot before returning it to the rack. “Sure thing, sir. Back in a few.” Zoë strode out of the kitchen towards Inara’s shuttle, pleased that she had a few moments of free time. River’s eyes shone, her smile bright. “He invites the girl to sit with him? She accepts, and she has a gift for him. Saw these back on the moon, decided he would like them, so she stole them from the purple-bellies. Decided that the next time he did something nice, the girl would give them to him. Pull your legs up.” Jayne’s face contorted in confusion, but once he complied, River sat down on the couch and reached underneath, pulling out a large package almost as big as her own body, wrapped in brown paper. “Ya stole somethin’ from the Alliance, something for me? Well that’s just shiny!” Jayne pulled a knife out of his boot and carefully sliced the edge of the paper. Tearing it back, Jayne found a large black case, which opened to reveal a number of scopes for various weapons in recessed padding. “Wŏ de mā, do you know what ya just gave me? There’s a scope here fer practically every gun I own! Must be worth at least two million platinum… I love it, best gorram thing anybody ever gave me!” Suddenly Jayne’s glee faded, and he lowered his voice to a whisper. “But you gotta tell the others ‘bout how ya got it tonight at dinner. They ain’t gonna believe me, and I don’t wanna get spaced for stealin’ somethin’ that probably half a Fed squad is out lookin’ for. That kinda thing attracts all manner of unnecessary attention.” River frowned. “The girl doesn’t understand. She thought stealing from the purple-bellies made everyone happy. Chuán zhăng steals from the Alliance at every opportunity, even goes out of his way sometimes. Why is stealing weapon parts different? She upset him with her gift, stupid girl, can’t even show gratitude properly.” Tears welled in her eyes, threatening to stain her dress. Jayne felt a sudden rush of panic. If Zoë comes in and sees her crying, gonna be lookin’ at a quick trip to the airlock… “Aww, no! Please, don’t cry! Ya ain’t stupid, just made a mistake is all, happens t’everybody. Not yer fault, ya prob’ly didn’t know how valuable it was, ya just thought I’d like it, and you were right, I like it lots! Just that… well, some of these are fer military weapons, real expensive like. Normal folk ain’t supposed to have ‘em, less they’s criminals like me. Some officer probably threw a fit when these disappeared. Ya know what though?” Jayne waited a moment for River to look at him before continuing, her eyes still teary, but she had calmed a little. “It’s ok, we’ll figure somethin’ out. What we do best, gettin’ in trouble and findin’ some crazy way out, right?” River managed to quell the tears long enough to see the sincerity in Jayne’s face. “He isn’t mad at the girl. He does like the gift. She will have to tell Chuán zhăng for him. Can he carry his gift to the kitchen? It was very heavy and made the girl tired, but she had to hide it where nobody would find it. Oh, dinner is almost ready! The girl is hungry, but she must do this first, must not interrupt piào liang dì fū ren dì jīng xĭ.” Wiping her face on her sleeve, River smiled and slipped off into the kitchen. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, that little girl probably shortens my life at least a week almost every time she opens her gorram mouth… Shutting the lid and hoisting the case onto his shoulder, Jayne started to follow her. “Hey, slow down, this gorram thing is heavy! How the hell d’ya get it up here to start with? Has to weigh twice what you do!” Mal turned at the commotion to find River clearing off one end of the table. “Hey, li’l Albaltross, I just finished setting that. Almost dinner time, we all gotta eat, can’t very well have dinner without dishes.” Walking over to the table, Mal picked up one of the neat stacks of dishes River had created at the other end, only to have his hand slapped. “What the hell, nī zi, I just told you I need the table set for dinner. And we don’t hit the Captain on this boat, I don’t care how crazy you are, you know better.” River just smiled and looked at Mal with her hands crossed behind her back. “Sorry, Chuán zhăng, must do this first, before we eat. He’s coming now, needs space, had to make room for him. Here he is, he can put it on the table now. She stole it for him, to make up for past wrong-doings, make him see the light instead of the dark.” Jayne stumbled into the kitchen, unbalanced by the weight, before easing the case off his shoulder onto the table and sitting down, out of breath. “He thinks you will be angry though, upset because of what she stole, thinks Pandora has cursed Serenity. The girl hopes he is wrong, thinks you won’t be as mad as he fears. But just in case, she wants you to promise not to throw him out the airlock. The girl did this without his consent, she wanted to surprise him. So if you are angry, you should consider throwing her out the airlock instead of him.” Mal stared at the case a moment. “Nī zi, that’s awfully big, how’d you get it on the boat?” River simply shrugged, so Mal turned back to the case and put his hands to the clasps, only to find River holding it shut. “Oh alright, I promise, I ain’t gonna space Jayne. Ain’t gonna space you neither, little witch, you might be a bit peculiar, but even you ain’t gonna ever do something worth getting spaced on purpose, ‘less those bastards with the freaky blue gloves find a way to trigger you again, and that wouldn’t be your fault. Can I please open the gorram case now, find out what got Jayne so riled up?” River nodded and removed her hands, so Mal slid the clasp and lid open. “Shén shèng dì pái xiè wù, li’l Albatross, please tell me I’m hallucinating! Because it looks like that case has about twenty-five military grade gun scopes, any three of which put together are worth more than my whole boat.” “Chuán zhăng is not hallucinating, at least so far as the girl can tell. Perhaps he cannot count though, there are twenty-seven gun scopes in the case, but only sixteen of which are military issue. Furthermore, the value of the contents is not nearly as high as he claims. The girl approximates the cost of manufacturing to be approximately one million, two hundred and eighty-seven thousand, six hundred and thirty-four units of platinum currency, black market value approximately two and a half million platinum. Were his claims to be true, the contents of the case would be worth, at an absolute minimum, three and a half million platinum. So does Chuán zhăng have questions for the girl? Or can she go with the recipient to help put his present away in his bunk?” River turned to leave, but stopped halfway to the door, staring off. “Oops, too late now, she miscalculated, and will be unable to escape. Chuán zhăng may as well wait a moment before questioning her.” With that pronouncement, River took a step and leaped into the air, turning to put her back to the table, and landing on the edge, sitting directly in front of Jayne. River’s landing on the table edge coincided exactly with the other crew wandering into the kitchen from the opposite entrance. Mal was left speechless, staring first at River, then at Jayne, before remembering he needed to turn off the stove and turning around to do so. “Albatross, when exactly did you steal that and who from? And please don’t tell me it was from the Feds on Mr. Universe’s moon, because quite frankly the commandant was none too happy with our friend the Operative, and we have no need to borrow trouble, got enough of our own as is.” Mal didn’t need to turn around to know River was grinning like a cat that got the cream, it was evident in her sing-song voice. “Ask the girl no secrets, the girl will tell you no lies.” River looked towards the entrance, and noted the rest of the crew was standing together, staring open-mouthed at her. “The girl bids you all good evening, and wishes to inquire as to how everyone is doing.” Simon snapped to attention at the sound of River’s voice. “Mèi mei, what are you doing sitting on the table? Come down from there, I’m sure Jayne needs to set out dishes. And what’s this Mal’s talking about, what did you steal? River, you shouldn’t steal, it’s wrong, you know better.” Kaylee reacted just in time, grabbing Simon by the shoulders before he did something foolish. “C’mon, Simon, leave her be. Jayne ain’t doing nothin’, and ‘pparently River likes sitting right where she is. You remember what happened last time you tried making her move off that catwalk railing? You go sit down, don’t wanna have to try and catch you again, near broke my back last time.” Kaylee didn’t trust Simon was actually listening to her, so she dragged him over to his usual seat and forced him into it, before sitting down at the other end of the table. Meanwhile, Zoë and Inara had decided to investigate the mysterious case, the lid of which had been obscuring the contents from where they had entered. Inara’s hand flew to her mouth, but Zoë maintained her stony composure. “Sir, why is there a case of military-grade gun scopes on our table? I don’t recall us getting a job.” “The girl stole them. Chuán zhăng doesn’t want to her to say when or from whom she obtained them, but they aren’t for a job. She wanted to give him a gift, for past wrong-doings and hopes for a bright future. She wants him to trust the girl, see the light in addition to the dark, so she wants to show him how well the girl knows him.” Zoë chuckled. “Li’l bit, I’m sure the Captain loves ‘em, and everyone who’s ever met him knows how much he loves stealin’ from the gorram Alliance. But there’s no need for you to go out on a limb for somethin’ like this. Captain doesn’t even have guns for a third of these, why’d you steal the whole case? Actually, come to think of it, how did you steal it anyways? Case must weigh twice what you do.” River had gotten up somewhere in the middle of Zoë’s reply, and as Zoë finished, had shut the case before smoothly hoisting it onto her shoulder and walking across the room to set it down on the floor next to the door. The crew only stared as River began resetting the table. “Chuán zhăng only has guns for seven of the twenty-seven scopes, but he has guns for twenty-three, and he was planning to buy a gun on Persephone that would use a twenty-fourth. She did no harm to Chuán zhăng, only him, so it is right for the girl to give the present to him after he did something nice for the girl, her surprise for him.” Inara was the first to realize who River meant. “Bǎo bèi, do you mean to say that the case was a present for Jayne? Jayne, you didn’t say anything to encourage this, did you? River could have been hurt, or worse!” Jayne started to reply, but River put her hand over his mouth. “Piào liang fū ren is correct, the present was for him. But he didn’t know, didn’t even know the purple-bellies had it. She had to keep it a secret from him, he would have tried to steal it and lots more, and they would have caught him. Chances of the girl getting caught were much lower, only three percent, not sixty-five percent like him. Two times more likely that the girl would have successfully stolen the case, but injured herself carrying it, than the probability of the girl getting caught.” Mal walked over to the table, carrying the large pot of food very carefully. “Well, Albatross, your penchant for giving me migraines with your antics and hijinks notwithstanding, suppose there’s no use crying over spilt milk. Just don’t go runnin’ about and theivin’ anything not locked down, especially what belongs to anyone who works for the Alliance, and especially without someone watchin’ your back. In light of what yer freaky friends with the blue gloves want to do to you if they ever get you back, let’s not be givin’ any government types any extra excuses to hand you over.” Setting the pot down, Mal pulled out his chair and sat down. “Come on everybody, chow time. Food ain’t gonna eat itself.” River slid into a chair beside Jayne before turning to Mal. “The girl agrees, she will abstain from theft in the future if possible, unless Chuán zhăng wants her to steal. But is she to understand that he can keep her gift? She would very much like him to have it, must have proper tools to perfect one’s craft.” River had been practicing her own version of Kaylee’s “sad puppy dog” expression, and this seemed as good an opportunity to test it out on Mal. Mal was not pleased by this new development, although not surprised, that River had picked up on one of Kaylee’s most effective methods for getting what she wanted from him. “Albatross, you pay entirely too much attention to your big sister and her wiles. That said, I suppose if this was going to cause problems, we would have heard something on the Cortex by now. Now let’s all just enjoy our meal.” One glance around the table was sufficient to send the message that the discussion was finished and off-limits. A silence fell over the table for a few moments as the crew ate. Zoë felt most uncomfortable, used to the idle chatter that typically permeated mealtimes. “What did Lord Harrow want, sir?” Mal swallowed, but didn’t look up from his plate, contemplating the gray protein mix with disdain. “Almost forgot about that, Zoë, thanks. Reminds me I ought to tell you all that when we get to Persephone, might be staying for a bit.” Looking up, he quickly glanced around the table before settling on Zoë. “The wave was asking if we could get there in the next two days to do a cattle run for him. But seeing as we’re six days out at full burn, and the cattle have to leave day after tomorrow at latest, had to say thanks, but no. Said we were really sorry and all, and we were heading in that direction anyways, so we’d get there as soon as we can if he could give us work. Lord Harrow was disappointed we won’t be available, and he couldn’t promise a job when we get there, but he did offer us the opportunity to avail ourselves of his considerate hospitality.” Kaylee’s eyes were wide. “Oh, Cap’n, you mean it? He was all manner of shiny at that party, real nice to us and all. He’s one of them high society people. And he said we could stay at his place?” Mal chuckled. “Now hold your horses, Kaylee-bear. First we gotta get there, and this little pit-stop is only on our schedule if there’s no work to be done. Second of all, if we are fixing to be dirt-side guests, we will all be on our absolute best behavior. Expect we could all do with some lessons in that department from our esteemed Ambassador, seeing as how she’s also one of them high society people.” Inara cleared her throat, in an uncharacteristically un-lady-like fashion. “I was actually going to do this after dinner. But since you’ve brought it up, Mal, I thought you would all be interested to know that I no longer wish to be a Companion. It seems no one I find acceptable wishes to contract with me any longer, and I have no need to pay the Guild for a privilege I cannot exercise. As of this morning, I purchased the remainder of my contract with the Guild. I’m afraid you’ll need to find a new nickname, Mal.” _____________________________________________ gŏu shĭ – shit; Réncí de Fózǔ – Merciful Buddha; mèi mei – sister (younger)

gē ge – brother (older); fēng kuáng dì – crazy; bèn lǘ wú zhī – stupid-ass ignorant

Tā mā dì mĕi gè rén zài yŭ zhòu hè shí bā gè hòu dài, tā men dì zŭ xiān sĭ xíng! – Fuck everyone in the ‘verse and eighteen generations of their ancestors to death!

bǎo bèi – precious; Qĭng jìn lái – Please come in; wŏ de mā! – my god! (lit. my mother!)

Chuán zhăng – Captain; piào liang fū ren – pretty lady; piào liang dì fū ren dì jīng xĭ – pretty lady’s surprise

nī zi – little girl; Shén shèng dì pái xiè wù – Holy excrement

jiě jie – sister (older); nǚ zhàn shì – female warrior

hé huā kāi huā – lotus blossom; xiăo hè – little lotus; xiăo hé huā – little lotus flower