Firefly, Serenity, and all related proprietary characters are the intellectual property of Joss Whedon and corporations with whom I have no affiliation. Said property does not belong to me, and the fictional story below is of my own creation. (I don’t own ‘em, just like to play with ‘em!) ********************** However, much to River’s chagrin, Jayne seemed skeptical. “Peek? Ya mean look inside my head with that mind-readin’ thing ya do? Not so sure ya should be doin’ that… man like me’s seen and thought on all manner of unsavory things ya shouldn’t never know ‘bout. Wait a minute, why’d ya even ask? Not like I can stop you if you wanna look.” “It’s rude to take without asking, touching what isn’t yours. No better than the scientists at the Academy, playing with my brain without asking first. Please? I’ll be quick, I know what I’m looking for, won’t go wandering off. I know what’s private, know not to look at those, not polite.” It worked so well on Mal that River decided this would be a good opportunity to test her “sad puppy dog” look. Gorram she’s a quick learner. “Hey, settle now… the “sad puppy eyes” might work on Mal, but most folk just find it irritating.” She prob’ly knows that’s a lie, but can’t be givin’ her the wrong idea. “Are you sayin’ yer a Reader, but ya don’t just listen in whenever it suits you? I thought yer brother said ya can’t control it, you always hear everythin’ anybody thinks ‘bout.” “Simple gē ge, doesn’t explain anything right… thinks everyone is best off knowing only the basics, thinks complications make the world go crazy, but he’s wrong, only crazy one is me.” River looked off towards the bay doors for a moment, deep in thought, before looking back at Jayne. “People are like stores, can’t know every item for sale just by looking at them, can’t have everything in the window. Windows would be too small, so the store owner puts pretty things in the window, convince people to come in and look around.” This is gettin’ disturbing, I can actually understand what the good gorram she’s sayin’. “So all’s you see is what’s in the windows? You mean ya can only tell what it is what we’re thinkin’ right then ‘cause it’s obvious, trying to get yer attention.” “Unless I peek… if I peek, I can go inside. But each store is different, things are not always in the same place. Every store has common items, but each is unique. Never gone inside your store before, wouldn’t have been right. Only looked inside my own and some people at the Academy.” River involuntarily shuddered as she remembered that last experience. “So how’s it work? I mean, it ain’t gonna hurt me none, is it?” Jayne was still a little unnerved by the prospect of someone being able to look into his mind. “I have to keep a wall around my mind to keep everyone else out. So if I want to look, I have to make a tiny hole. Too small and I can’t get anything, too big and I’ll see everyone. Then I have to find you… usually easiest if I can touch the person I’m looking for.” River shuddered again at the memory of being forced to look into the mind of a fellow Academy student. “Not sure if it will work… never tried it on someone who wasn’t like me, they all had a brain like mine. You need to make me stop if it starts to hurt you. Do you know the safe word my brother used on me?” Jayne nodded, but now his voice showed a sense of wariness and unease. “I thought ya told yer brother it hurts you when people use that. Don’t wanna hurt ya.” “This is important, have to be able to stop me. Not sure if I could hear you, when I look past my wall, everything is loud. I’m afraid that using physical force might trigger me, I could kill you when I’m like that, couldn’t stop myself.” River got up and walked across the bay to sit down against the wall. “Shouldn’t do this, it isn’t safe. Need to find another way to find your name, not worth the risk.” Head buried in her knees, River couldn’t look at Jayne. Being selfish… this isn’t right. Jayne was torn. Why the hell am I gettin’ bent outta shape over her? Jus’ told me she could gorram kill me, but I ain’t even worried ‘bout that! Wanna help her, but she don’t want me to, an’ all I can think ‘bout is why? Walking over to River, Jayne plunked himself down a few feet away. Feel like I’m supposed to sit close, but she ain’t exactly stable… smart to stay where she can’t reach. “What’d I do now? Didn’t mean ta upset ya…” “Not your fault. Mine. I want you to trust, but you can’t yet, and you shouldn’t. Can’t get too close, would compromise your objectivity.” River’s words were somewhat muffled as she spoke into her dress. “Why don’t you let me worry about who I can and can’t trust? An’ I say that I can trust you, on ‘count of the hundreds of reasons and millions of opportunities you’ve had ta backstab or kill me, an’ you still ain’t done it.” At this, River looked sideways at him and shrugged. Well at least she ain’t screamin’ or attractin’ attention… “I thought ya said I wasn’t a mercenary, but they’s the only people in the ‘verse that gotta be objective when push comes to shove. Only reason they’re ever good at it is ‘cause they don’t care ‘bout anything or anybody else but the job. Why’d you want me to be objective if I ain’t a merc?” “I was wrong.” Jayne was stunned. First time I ever heard her say that… girl’s never wrong about anything. “Not all of us are mind-readin’ geniuses. Can you please explain for me?” River got up and walked back over to the weight bench. “Since you asked nicely…” Taking some weight off it, she lay down and started lifting, but her voice had changed, a man’s voice that Jayne didn’t recognize. “A mercenary is what you do, not what you are.” River pressed the bar again. “Mercenaries aren’t the only ones who need to be objective.” Another lift, and now River was in a rhythm. “Objectivity is essential to maintain focus.” Lift. “Too close and you’ll get emotional.” Lift. “Emotions mean losing focus, which leads to mistakes.” Another lift, and suddenly River was wishing she had taken more weight off the bar. “Mistakes get people dead.” Lift. “Dead friends are the worst.” After one final lift, River returned the bar to the rack. “That’s why you’re a bodyguard. You don’t want your friends to die. That’s the objective, you have to keep us all alive until you die.” River sat up and resumed her earlier position, leaning her neck back against the bar, her voice normal again. “I was wrong before, it isn’t that I don’t want you to get too close, because you are already are. It’s that I don’t want you to fail, but it is inevitable. Everyone dies. If we die first, it will break you.” That can’t be ruttin’ true! This may be the best gorram job I’ve ever had, but it’s just a job. I ain’t gonna be too happy if one of ‘em ends up dead, but it won’t be the end of the ‘verse. Zoë an’ I ain’t never got on, same fer the doc, an’ up ‘til now ‘Nara would sooner spit on me than say somethin’ nice. If Mal ever stops gettin’ lucky an’ one of those bullets ends up somewhere terminal, I’d prob’ly lose this job, but that’d be expected. Kaylee’s just too gorram shiny ta die, so it ain’t gonna be her. An’ she ain’t gonna die neither, ‘less those freaks with the blue gloves find ‘er, an’ I’d put a bullet in ‘er head myself ‘fore I let that happen. The ferocity of this last thought was so fierce that Jayne unconsciously slammed his fist into the deck plating covering the bay floor. “I would appreciate that, if they ever do find me. You couldn’t stop them, no matter what you did, without advance warning. Their weapon would kill you before you could even raise your gun or throw a punch. I don’t want to go back.” Jayne was jolted from his self-reflection, having forgotten she was sitting only a few yards away. “Sorry… couldn’t help it. Your thoughts were practically screaming at me.” “I’ll… umm… think quieter?” Jayne winced at the thought that River would prefer death over being taken by the Academy. River shook her head. “I have to get used to it. Without those images from Miranda, everything seems louder now.” Getting up, she walked over to Jayne and offered her hands. “I know your name now.” Jayne gently took both of River’s hands and pulled himself to his feet, careful not to squeeze. So small, could probably break ‘em if I weren’t payin’ attention. “You’re gonna call me hù wèi zhĕ, aren’t you?” River nodded. “Can’t fool you. The others would be surprised how smart you can be, if only you would show them.” “So now that ya answered my question, and we figured out that little problem, how about ya tell me what it is ya need help with?” Jayne let go of one hand, but kept the other. Walking over to the bench, he sat down again, River next to him. “I need to make gē ge understand that he can’t help me, but I do not wish to cause him serious physical injury. Gē ge only sees with his eyes and he only hears with his ears. Very frustrating, and I must find a way to release that, or I could harm him, even without realizing it.” River had begun gripping the bench with her free hand. “Yer sayin’ yer brother’s drugs ain’t workin’ anymore? Ain’t that gonna… umm…” Jayne realized there wasn’t a tactful way to ask the question, so he decided it was better left unsaid. River shook her head. “I won’t become insane. The drugs never really did anything to begin with, except make me sleep. How ‘crazy’ I am on any given day is mostly a function of how stressed everyone around me is. If all is well, or if everyone is focused on one thing, I mostly have ‘good days.’ When everyone is scared is the worst.” Jayne pondered this new information. When Mal opened that box she was in, everyone was throwin’ a fit… and when she went nuts on Ariel, I was arguing with the doc and scared they were gonna screw up my plan… when she got that gun in the bay the night that bounty hunter came, everyone was throwin’ a fit again… the whole Miranda thing, everyone was fēng kuáng dì from the job on Lilac all the way ‘til she locked herself in that room with the Reavers… but she was all calm-like when we had to get Mal an’ Wash back from Niska… ‘cause we was all focused on that an’ workin’ together. Gorramit, she’s right! “So basically, if we’re ok, yer ok?” River shrugged. “Something like that. One of the very few things in the universe I don’t comprehend.” Jayne smirked. “Modest too. Why don’t ya just tell him like ya told me? I understood easy enough, no?” “Wouldn’t listen to me. His tests lie to him, but he believes science he can see more easily than his damaged sister, even if she is a genius.” River sighed, letting go of Jayne’s hand and getting up, pacing in a small area in front of Jayne for a few minutes before sitting down again. “If I told you Vera was broken, even if I could tell you exactly what was wrong and how to fix it, but you couldn’t see it yourself, would you believe me?” “No ruttin’ way! Vera’s my best gun, ain’t no way I’d let her get messed up. An’ if I did, I’d know it.” Jayne felt slightly insulted that River would think he’d ever let his favorite weapon fall into disrepair. “There’s nothing wrong with Vera. But you proved my point. Gē ge is you, I am Vera. He can’t see it, because he refuses to believe.” Understanding dawned on Jayne’s face as the terrible reality sunk in. “But… yer not broken… yer not a gun.” River shook her head. “You understand, but you do not comprehend. I will always be broken, can’t be fixed. The tests lie and gē ge believes them, the same way you just told me you would believe Vera was fine. He’ll never stop looking for a cure that does not exist. Gē ge will waste away, too stubborn to admit defeat, and unless I stop him, it will be my fault.” River wasn’t crying, but the sadness that overtook her face was too much for even Jayne to look at. Jayne wasn’t sure what to say. She’s almost always right. But if she’s right about this… “So if the doc can’t fix ya, who can?” Jayne was praying that her answer would not be the one he expected. River’s voice was a whisper now. “Now you comprehend. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I spoke the truth. ‘Can’t be fixed.’ Not by anyone.” That’s not ruttin’ fair… she’s just a gorram girl… “So what d’ya want me to? To help, I mean.” River stood again, but this time she simply sat down on the floor in front of Jayne cross-legged, folding her hands in her lap. “It is my understanding that among your siblings, you have both an older brother and younger sisters. This makes you unique among us. Help me fix gē ge, I need to be his mèi mei now, not his responsibility anymore. Need you to teach me.” Hate to repeat anythin’ her gorram brother’s ever said, but “this must be what goin’ mad feels like.” “Ya want me to do what? How the hell are ya gonna learn anythin’ from the dumbest person on this boat?” River frowned. “You’re not deaf, you heard what I said. Not dumb, and not stupid either.” River reached up and grabbed Jayne’s hands. “I might be a genius, but I don’t know everything. I thought we had an agreement. You have information that can help me, and I am willing to provide compensation if you are willing to share.” River’s eyes were hard and questioning; she couldn’t conceive of a reason for Jayne withdrawing from their bargain and she wanted to know why. Jayne thought for a moment, then nodded to River and she slid backwards, leaving room for Jayne to sit in front of her on the floor with his back against the weight bench. After adjusting his legs to copy River, Jayne put her hands back in her lap, and set his in his own. “Alright, I got two brothers, one older, one younger. I also got five sisters, three older, two younger. So you figure I got all the bases covered as far as gettin’ along with siblin’s and such?” “Correct. See? Not so hard.” River looked off towards the stairs for a moment, thinking someone else was about to enter the bay, but there was no one there. River shook her head and turned back to Jayne. “Start with your younger sisters. When they were my age, how did you know when to help and when to leave them alone?” “Lisa only just turned ten when I left. S’pose she won’t be much help. But Jamie’s two years younger than me… she could be a real brat sometimes. Always tellin’ me to leave ‘er ‘lone or go fetch Kelly when she hurt ‘erself or messed up. Kelly’s the oldest, four years more’n me. She an’ Caleb ‘re twins. Back on Jamie though… once Kelly got married an’ left home, Jamie didn’t never talk to nobody but me an’ Lisa. Caleb wasn’t ‘round much, and Mattie was still a little one, guess I was the only guy near her age that was there. Didn’t seem to need much from me, but fer important stuff, she always sent Lisa to find me, kinda like she used to have me find Kelly.” River contemplated this for a moment. I wish I had more brothers and sisters, they seem important. “When Lisa came to you, how did you know what to do?” Jayne snorted. “Ever since she was old ‘nough to walk, whenever somethin’ went wrong, could always find Jamie in the same spot. Back of the house, there’s a big tree with a hollow spot in the bottom. Near as big as one of these smuggler holds. Loved that gorram hole. Wouldn’t never come out of it ‘til things were right again. I’d just point to the tree, an’ Kelly’d go runnin’.” Jayne’s expression was almost wistful. “Used to think it was funny ‘til one day Lisa came up behind me while I was settin’ a snare fer the rabbits in the garden. Scared the gŏu shĭ outta me, ‘bout ready to yell at ‘er ‘til I saw ‘er pointin’ at the tree.” If there was one thing River took pride in, it was her ability to listen to other people and focus on what they were saying. But the image Jayne was unintentionally projecting was incredibly humorous, and River was finding it difficult not to laugh. Given the somber tone of the conversation, it would have been highly inappropriate, and River did not want to upset Jayne, not after all the progress they had made. “I think I understand. Set clear boundaries. Tell gē ge that I do not require nor want assistance unless certain parameters are met. You always went to Jamie when she sent for you?” “Course I did. My li’l sis barely ever did it, so I figured if she did, there was a gorram good reason. Most of the time there was, but even the stupid stuff was understandable.” River nodded. “Gē ge should behave similarly then.” She shifted her legs slightly to sit with them folded under her. “What about when you had a disagreement with one of your sisters? I would expect they probably hit you on more than one occasion, I know I’ve struck gē ge at least three times since I’ve met you.” “Doc ever hit you back?” River shook her head. “That’s cause even a prissy Core-boy like him knows menfolk ain’t allowed to hit womenfolk, ain’t kosher ‘less the girl’s tryin’ kill him or some such. Never once hit Kelly, Anna, Jessie, or Lisa. Mighty temptin’ sometimes, but not worth a hangin’. That’s what they do to menfolk that lay hands on women where I’m from. Now my ma didn’t think that was particularly fair that the girls could beat on the boys with no fear of retaliation if they got angry ‘nough, so she decided that if any of ‘em hit one of us boys, they’d get lashed in front of the whole town.” River hung her head. I’ve done far worse than hit him, but gē ge never touched me. “You forgot Jamie.” Jayne squirmed nervously. “Didn’t forget. I hit ‘er once… when I was nineteen.” Images flooded Jayne’s mind, memories from that day. “Told ma I caught ‘er kissin’ some riff-raff from town. She got beat that night when she came home. Only it wasn’t true, cause it was Anna, but I didn’t get that good a look from down the street. Next mornin’ I was workin’ in the barn, Jamie came up from behind me, hit me ‘cross the face with a brandin’ iron. Fer seventeen, she had pretty strong arms, broke right through the skin an’ everythin’. Ripped the gorram thing outta her hands and tossed it ‘cross the barn, we had a pretty good screamin’ match. ‘Bout then she realized there wasn’t nobody else around, and ma would know she was the one that hit me when we went in for lunch.” River nodded solemnly. “Neither of you wanted her to be lashed. Would be humiliating for both of you, and you didn’t want her to hurt. Little sister, have to watch out for her.” Jayne swallowed, the impending admission burning in his throat. “Told ‘er I’d say it was an accident, but she said ma would never believe that. Only other thing I could think of was to say I got drunk that night, and I tried to beat ‘er again after ma got finished with ‘er, so she defended herself with the brandin’ iron.” River was verging on tears. “You had to hit her to make it look real. You could have been killed, but you didn’t care.” Jayne forced himself to smile. Putting a hand under River’s chin, he tilted her head up to look at him. “Didn’t kill me though, did they?” But he couldn’t keep the image from coming to mind of the price he had paid. River twisted away from Jayne and screamed as she saw Jayne’s bloodied teenage body in her mind, his back covered in angry welts. “They lashed you instead! Over and over, they tried to break you!” Jayne quickly scrambled to gather River in his arms, hoping to muffle the screams against his shirt. “Hey now, calm down. All over, in the past.” River quieted some, but Jayne’s luck was running out. Zoë stood at the top of the stairs, staring at him and the girl he held protectively in his arms. “Let go of her, Jayne.” Her voice wasn’t loud, but Jayne knew not to mistake it for a request. But River thrashed and screamed louder as Jayne attempted to disentangle her. Zoë practically ran down to the bay floor, hoping to dissolve whatever conflict was going on with a minimum of bloodshed. Skidding to a stop a few feet away, Zoë was alarmed to see River frantically grasping at Jayne, clearly attempting to stay right where she was. “River, what’s wrong?” Seemingly acknowledging Zoë’s presence for the first time, River froze at the sound of her name. Slowly turning her head, Zoë could see the tears in her eyes. “Nightmares not mine. We were doing so well, but I pushed too far. Saw something I shouldn’t have, something private.” By now Mal and Inara were standing on the catwalk above, Kaylee and Simon just arriving themselves. “Everyone thinks he’s done wrong, screaming it at me, but I’m the one you shouldn’t trust. He tried to help, didn’t know how deep the water was. But he didn’t care, dove in anyway, kept me from drowning; I couldn’t save anyone, I’d be too scared to dive if I couldn’t see the bottom.” River broke into more tears, burying her head in Jayne’s shoulder again. ___________________________________ gŏu shĭ – shit; fēng kuáng dì – crazy; hù wèi zhĕ – bodyguard mèi mei – sister (younger); gē ge – brother (older)