Ut promptum: Joss / Omnimodus /Mutant Hostilis pwn. Incendia , Serenus , quod oh etiam , vestri animus. :)

Eh, it's not quite as I imagined it. It was definitely better in my head, lol, but oh well.

No, I haven't forgotten about my other stuff, I just needed to write this while I put the finishing touches on the next chapters of War Stories and Memoirs of a Companion.

Rated PG-13 for suggested sexual content.

*** Simon, the boob:

"That was-"

"Don' worry 'bout it."

"I'm sorry, that's never happened before."

"I said it don' mat-You done this before?"

"I didn't say that."

"You said 'that's never happened before.' Means that sumthin' was happenin' before." Kaylee sat up and turned to glare at Simon.

"Kaylee, I-"

"You what?"

Simon was very confused and frustrated by the sudden turn in events, especially after his less than satisfactory performance of a few moments ago. "I just don't see what you're so upset about."

"Of course you don't!" she exclaimed angrily, hopping up and beginning to pull her clothes back on. "You don' understand nuthin' 'less it's in some fancy book or other." she was giving off every indication that she might start frothing at the mouth any second now. "All this time, I thought t'were just 'cause you's so proper and all, but here I find t'were just me!"

"Kaylee..." Simon plead, but it was no use, she was already gone.

---

Judging by the racket coming from the engine room, Kaylee was still furious with him. This puzzled him a great deal, as he wasn't sure what he had said to upset her. Simon, while knowledgable and worldly concerning all things intellectual, was, quite frankly, a boob when it came to understanding women. And the hook, line, and sinker here was that he failed to grasp how one innocent-enough little comment from him had been taken in such a different light by Kaylee.

"Kaylee?" he asked softly, hovering in the doorway, not entirely certain that she wouldn't lob the wrench in her hand at him. Luckily, she didn't, but unfortunately, she ignored him completely. "Kaylee?" he tried again, louder this time, putting one foot across the threshhold.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you talkin' to me?" she asked without looking at him, beating her wrench savagely against a piece of metal in her hand that Simon didn't recognize.

"Who else would I be talking to?" This was clearly the wrong response. Her withering glare could have made greater men than himself suddenly finding the need for a shower and new underpants.

"I don' know, Doctor, why don' you enlighten me?" she stood, drawing herself up to her full height-which, despite how small she was, made her seem much more formidable.

"I'm really at a loss here." Simon said, fighting the urge to shrink back from her singular fury.

"Oh, you've lost sumthin' all right."

"If you could just tell me what I did to offend you, maybe I can make amends."

"Shouldn' have to say." she told him, crossing her arms.

"Then I won't know how to avoid it in the future." he replied, frowning.

Kaylee snorted at this, "Future?" she asked incredulously, as if to say "How can you possibly think we could ever have a future after what you've done?" Now, if only Simon could figure out what he'd done, maybe he could fix this.

"Yes, future. I may not always be the best at expressing my feelings for you, but I would like to... have more practice at it." he gave her a hopeful smile as he stepped fully into the room. He noticed-or rather hoped-her eyes softened a tiny bit.

"That whatcha said to the other girls, or on'y the ones you was charmin' back into your bunk?"

"Other girls?" Simon repeated, his blank face a clear indication of his innocence. "What are you talking about, other girls?" he asked.

"Oh, you know, the ones thatcha didn' lose yer nerve for."

A hot blush splashed across his face at her bringing up that particular shortcoming again, and comprehension was slowly dawning on him. "Kaylee... I've never been with other girls like... like I just was with you."

"What, you been with boys?"

"What?! No!" he refuted. "Why would you think that?"

"You been with critters?"

"Kaylee, what are you talking about?"

"How often do you touch yerself?"

"Shen me?" Simon asked, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. "I, uh, I don't see how that's of any relevance..." You could have fried eggs on his face.

Kaylee seemed to be calming down from her rage now. In fact, she looked about to die of silent laughter. "'Parently it's of every relevance." she told him. "Oh, t'all makes so much sense now." she laughed.

"I... I don't follow."

"No, you wouldn't." a gruff voice said from the doorway. Simon spun around to see Jayne practically crying with glee. As if this day could get any worse.

"This is a private conversation." Simon spluttered, his blood pressure rising as the two of them continued to laugh.

"Then you shouldn'ta been havin' it so loud-like." Jayne croaked between laughs.

Kaylee held up her hand like she intended to speak, finally gasping out the words, "No-really, Jayne, don' need you here makin' it more-"

"Hi-larious?" Jayne asked, causing a fresh round of laughter from Kaylee.

Taking several deep breaths, she at last managed to quell her giggles. "Difficult." she said.

"Whatever." Jayne rolled his eyes and laughed himself down to the cargo bay.

Simon felt that he might spontaneously combust any moment now. His eyes turned to the mechanic, imploring her to change the subject. "Er, yes, well... You were mad... And I was... apologizing." he said. "Shall we get back to it?"

"No need." Kaylee said with a final giggle. "'Pears it was jus' a misunderstandin'." she told him, flouncing to his side.

"Oh..." he said, "Okay." Someday, he would probably shoot himself in the foot for this conversation, but until then, he would remain a clueless boob. And that somewhat distant realization seemed ridiculously unimportant compared to the look Kaylee was giving him, especially when the words, "Care to give it another shot?" fell from her lips.

*** Jayne.

"I'm sor-"

"I know."

"I was just nervous, and-"

"Hush now." Kaylee was dressing again.

"Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"I, uh... You know."

"I'm not mad. I just think-"

"That's good. I'd hate for you to be mad at me. Again."

Kaylee sighed, "I just think... Well, maybe it weren't meant to be."

"Oh." Simon said, looking away.

"At least we tried. Can say we don' have no regrets. We gave it a go, it jus' didn' work out."

"Easy for you to say." Would his habit of saying the wrong thing ever break?

"I s'pose. Least now I won' be wundrin'." She didn't give him a chance to reply. She left the room in a mighty hurry, before he could make her feel guilty for it. Didn't help that she still had a hankering. A burning need and desire that his ineptitude had failed to quench.

Kaylee found herself in the cargo bay, with a pretty good idea of why her feet had carried her here. Behind those puppy-dog eyes was the girl that Mal had caught in his engine room, oiling up his first mechanic. The logical thing to do would've been to go back to her bunk and cool off, but the heat coursing through her was frying that system of her brain at the moment. It just wanted the satisfaction she'd been denied twice today, and didn't care as to the source. Oh, she would regret this later, no doubt.

"You all right?" the gruff voice asked. "Yer all red-You runnin' a temper'ture?"

"I'll say." she replied as Jayne's calloused hand touched her forehead as her softer ones slid into the waistband of his pants, giving him a hungry look.

"Kay?" he asked in surprise, "You feelin' all right? Should I go find the doc?"

She gave a little laugh, "He don' have the medicine I need."

There could be no doubt that Jayne understood what she had meant, what with them pressed up against each other and all. Jayne, however, was having a rare moment of chivalry. "You sure you know whatcher doin' baobei?" he asked, closing his eyes against the feel of her fingers against his skin.

"Don' turn inter a gentleman on me now, Jayne." she told him. Being Jayne, he humored her request, not needing much more encouragement than that.