Simon was looking for River. He always seemed to be looking for River, anymore. It was ironic that after he had spent so much time and energy to get her out of the Academy, he still found himself engaged in a protracted game of hide and seek.

She liked to watch the stars drift by and talk to Wash, so he checked the bridge but she wasn’t there. Nor was she in the galley. Shepard Book hadn’t seen her and when Simon asked the Captain he got a resounding no. The captain had his own problems. They had received a job offer for when they landed on New Canaan and he needed to talk to Jayne. He couldn’t seem to find the big mercenary in any of the usual places though. As he walked away Simon could hear the captain complaining about the apparent epidemic of missing people and possible holes in the space time continuum. Simon looked in the cargo bay and once again came up short. He remembered River liked to watch Kaylee in the engine room sometimes. He had found his sister there one day last week, helping the mechanic. Kaylee would bark out the names of tools she wanted River to hand to her in a perfect imitation of a stuffy surgeon demanding a scalpel and the two girls would burst into giggles. The sound of their normal ordinary laughter had been so pleasant Simon hadn’t the heart to be offended. He just let them laugh.

When the doctor approached the engine room this time, he heard Kaylee’s giggle drift through the corridor and he smiled, thinking that he must have found his sister at last. When he ducked through the door to the engine room, he heard a deeper guffaw and found himself looking at a cozy little scene that did not include River. Kaylee sat crossed legged on the floor, surrounding by tools, with the usual smudge of grease on her face. Seated on the floor facing her, however, was Jayne. He was holding a large awkwardly shaped engine part of some sort on his lap, holding it steady as Kaylee attended to it.

Kaylee looked up and smiled at Simon when he entered, “Hey Simon!” “Hello,” he returned the greeting a little stiffly. Something in the air was giving him an uncomfortable feeling, like he was interrupting. Maybe it was the sudden hostile glare Jayne had given him when he walked in. For a moment he thought he perceived a territorial edge to it but he cast that impression away. There was nothing in the engine room Jayne would be interested in. That glare and the feeling of easy camaraderie he had obviously stumbled onto between them annoyed Simon suddenly, anyway. “The captain’s looking for you.” He informed Jayne curtly.

The big made an ugly face at him before turning a gentler expression toward Kaylee, “You need anything else?” He asked her.

She smiled at him, “I can manage the last little bit but I could use a hand puttin’ it back in place.”

“’kay. I’ll swing back ‘round later.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jayne.”

The big man carefully laid the part down on the floor and threw one last scowl at Simon before exiting. Simon turned to Kaylee, “Trying to train the un-trainable man-ape?” he asked lightly but she didn’t smile back at him like he expected.

“He’s not . . .” She shook her head.

“What?”

“I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” She said sounding exasperated, “Jayne’s Jayne. Just-“ She waved her arms around vaguely, “stay out of his way or something.”

Simon was almost wishing he had stayed out of her way. Not wanting to talk about it anymore he returned to his original purpose, “Have you seen River, anywhere?” For a second he thought she looked- disappointed, angry maybe- something but it was gone too quickly for him to be sure.

“Nope. Sorry.” She turned to rifle through her tool box and wouldn’t look at him.

He’d done it again, somehow- said the wrong thing. “Okay. Thanks.” She nodded and he waited, hoping she would turn back around but she didn’t. With a sigh he stepped back out the door. He wandered the ship some more, not really expecting to find his sister- apparently she didn’t feel like being found right now but he was too restless to go back to the infirmary. His wandering brought him into the galley but he didn’t feel much like eating either. He kept wandering.

Simon moved to step over the threshold onto the upper deck of the cargo bay when a massive hand flattened against his chest and pushed him back roughly. He fell back, knocking his tail bone painfully against the wall. Letting out a rare string of curses, Simon rubbed at his back and grimaced. When he stuck his head out into the corridor he could see Jayne’s retreating back. He could also hear Jayne whistling cheerfully as though he were deliberately trying to add insult to injury.

“What is his problem?!” Simon demanded of the world at large with a frustrated cry. River popped up suddenly and surveyed him with that critical, detached look that she wore so often now.

“You’re in the way.” She told him seriously.

In Jayne’s way? How? He’d stepped aside just so the other man could get past. How could he possibly be in Jayne’s way? Why was everybody telling him to stay out of Jayne’s way? What- Simon realized suddenly that he was now standing in the middle of the corridor.

“Sorry, mei-mei.” He smiled a little ruefully before stepping back to let her pass. He was letting Jayne’s hostility distract him.

River frowned at him. “You don’t understand her.” She said and she turned back the way she came instead of continuing past him.

That was certainly true, Simon thought watching his sister walk away. Remembering suddenly that he had spent the whole morning looking for her, he hurried after hastily.

He lost her again, somewhere around the galley but came face to face with Shepard Book. The older man raised an eyebrow at Simon’s flushed face.

“Are you alright, son?” He asked. “You look a mite . . . flustered.”

“It’s just- “ He was surprised by the sharp, harried tone of his own voice but wasn’t sure how to explain about this morning, when nothing seemed to go right. Book motioned toward the table, got him to sit down, handed him a cup of tea and pretty soon the whole of it was pouring out- his endless search for River and Kaylee’s irritation with him. Book listened patiently, drawing out the details calmly. Simon ended the tale by describing Jayne’s painful hostility. It was like all his little problems had decided to gang up on him at once. Simon sighed and rubbed at his face tiredly.

“Do you want my advice?” Book asked gently.

“Yes.” Simon sighed, resigned. At this point he would take anything he could get.

“River’s recovery was always going to be slow and painful. There is nothing you can do about that but what you have been doing- be patient and be there for here. As for Kaylee- well, I’m not really in a position to give romantic advice accept to say it might be necessary for you to make a choice.” Simon didn’t ask what choice Book was referring to. He knew all too well. “And in regards to Jayne,” Book continued, “have you tried asking him what the source of his hostility for you is?”

Simon gave him a look of open-mouthed incredulity. Book chuckled a little, “I realize that Jayne is not gen’rally the communicative type but if you really want to change his behavior, you have to know the root cause of it.”

“So I should just ask him?” Simon couldn’t keep the doubt out of his voice.

Book shrugged, “What have you got to lose?”

What indeed, Simon asked himself. He excused himself politely and returned to the infirmary. He had some recently published findings on irregularities of brain chemistry as discovered in rats treated with certain drugs, he had picked up from the local Cortex which he had been meaning to go through. It was quiet on the ship, since most everyone had gone off to attend to their most recent job. He had even managed to get River to take her medication and a nap. It was the perfect opportunity to wrestle with the complex material but he found himself distracted all afternoon by Book’s suggestion.

Simon couldn’t see what he could do about Kaylee or River but what if he had a chance to deal with Jayne’s enmity, maybe even reduce it a little? Of course, what would guarantee that Jayne would answer any of his questions truthfully if at all, assuming the mercenary didn’t just shove him through a bulk head for daring to ask in the first place? He glanced down at the info in his hands describing the connection between behaviors and drug compounds. Hmm, maybe he had some options after all . . . Simon reached hastily for his encyclopedia of medical knowledge and started to take some notes.

His research was interrupted a few hours later when the others returned from the job, bloodied and not a little bruised. Apparently things had not gone well. Jayne actually had a small caliber gunshot wound to the leg. The bullet had passed straight thru the fleshy outer area of his leg- hardly more than a scratch for a man in Jayne’s line of work but it would still need extensive stitching and Simon couldn’t help but be pleased. Who would have thought he would have the chance to put his plan into action so soon?

The doctor put Jayne under as soon as possible, mostly because he didn’t want to listen to his inevitable complaints but also because he didn’t want to be asked any inconvenient questions. He saw to the leg wound quickly and efficiently and checked the captain and Zoë too, making sure the minor injuries weren’t hiding anything more serious. When he was satisfied they both limped off to get some rest. Then Simon waited patiently for Jayne to come around. It wouldn’t take more than an hour or two. Jayne was so big nothing seemed to keep his system down for long. As soon as Simon noticed the signs of approaching consciousness, he reached for the vial he had prepared and dosed Jayne smoothly.

“Go se but I feel ruttin’ strange.” Jayne observed in an almost bewildered tone.

“That would be the drugs I gave you.” Simon said coolly, looking up from the infirmary counter and over his shoulder at the newly awakened Jayne.

“What drugs?”

“Part of it is the sedative but there are some other things in there, as well. It’s actually a little cocktail the Alliance uses for interrogation. It won’t hurt you.”

“Interrogation?” Jayne asked uncertainly, still struggling to become fully awake.

Simon turned to stand beside Jayne’s bed. “I think it’s time we had a talk- and I’d like you to tell me the truth. Hence the drugs.”

“What’d we got to talk ‘bout?” The big man demanded, as Simon checked his pupil response calmly. Jayne tried to move but his body didn’t seem to be responding real well. Normally being so helpless would have produced a panic induced rage but the drugs had taken care of that too. Simon surveyed him critically.

“How do you feel?”

“Okay. Can’t even feel my leg. It’s a bit cold in here though.” Jayne frowned. He hadn’t intended to say that. No way in hell he would admit to even that little weakness in front of anyone, least of all the doc. Simon pulled a blanket over his legs and looked into his eyes again. He nodded at whatever he saw.

“You look about ready.”

"Ready for what? What the gorram hell we got to talk about?” Jayne demanded again though the tone lacked it usual intimidation factor as he blinked and frowned, trying to clear his vision.

“We seem to have a problem.” Simon explained, “I know normally you handle your problems by pummeling them but since I would prefer to not to be beaten to death with a two by four we’re going to handle it my way- the civilized way. We are going to talk about it. The drugs are to keep you honest- and civilized. It won’t hurt you,” He reiterated and looking at Jayne mildly added, “You may not even remember this tomorrow. So-“ He took a deep breath, “Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?”

Jayne frowned fuzzily at him. He was quiet for several moments and seemed to be fighting the drugs. Simon reached toward the vial to up the dosage but the big man spoke up suddenly, “You don’t deserve her.”

Simon turned back to him with a confused frown, “Who? Who don’t I deserve? River?”

There was another long pause and the doctor considered the vial again but decided to give the first dose a chance to work. “Who don’t I deserve?” He prompted again.

“Kaylee.” Jayne looked as horrified as he could under the effect of the drugs and shook his head fiercely but his mouth continued on without him, “You’re such a gorram idiot you don’t even know-“ He tone was a little slurred and Simon wasn’t sure if he had broken off because he was still fighting or because the compound made it hard to for him to focus. Then despite the drugs that should have prevented him from moving much Jayne reached out and grabbed the doctor roughly by the arm. “You don’t deserve her.” He repeated, “Coming here, with your stiff shiny ways, making her feel ‘shamed when she’s the-“ Jayne closed his eyes tightly for a moment, “the shiniest, warmest, prettiest . . . thing on this boat.”

Simon regarded Jayne with shock. Was he hearing what he thought he was hearing? Was Jayne confessing to feelings for Kaylee? The drug had apparently taken hold because the big man continued on in the same fierce but meandering tone. He still hadn’t let go of Simon’s arm. He would shake it for emphasis occasionally and his grip was becoming painful.

“-and what’d you ever do to earn- deserve her smiling at you? Nothing!” Jayne’s voice was rising, “Ha! You got her shot! You would have let her bleed to death! I been around all this time; looking out for her, making her laugh . . . and all she wants is you, you worthless piece of . . .” He trailed off into some of the vilest language Simon had ever heard. He tried desperately to comprehend what was happening. This was not what the doctor had expected to hear when he thought this plan up.

“But you-“ Simon was having a hard time articulating his objection, “You said those horrible things to her, that first night at the dinner table when the captain sent you away.”

“That was stupid,” Jayne said grudgingly, “Couldn’t stand to see her making a fool of herself over you, some rich boy’d use her and throw her away.”

Simon ignored this, still struggling to absorb this turn of events. “But she’s- she’s Kaylee.” Simon said rather lamely. Jayne had always been fairly open in his admiration for both Zoë and Inara but Kaylee? The doctor thought back, analyzing Jayne’s interaction with the mechanic. He teased her roughly about this and that, made sure they were on the same team for hoop ball, always said thank-you when Kaylee would cook for them . . . In fact, Kaylee was the one person on the ship Jayne seemed to treat like, well, a human being. The few times Simon had ever notice the difference in Jayne’s behavior he had simply dismissed it, assuming that Kaylee’s indisputable sweetness even got under Jayne’s gruff and dirty exterior. . . and it did. Only, that’s not all it did. Oh God, that morning in the engine room- It had been exactly what he told himself it couldn’t be. Simon felt a rising horror. A thousand little things were falling suddenly into place. His head was starting to spin. The mercenary’s voice intruded on his swirling thoughts.

“What’d ya mean, ‘She’s Kaylee’?” Jayne was demanding, “I know she’s Kaylee! Don’t say her name like that, like nobody would want her! Who wouldn’t want her? ‘Cept you.” He said with contempt, “You hoo dun. She throws herself at you and all you can do is tell her, her ship is a piece of go se and that she’ll never be good enough-“

That was too much for Simon, “I never said that-“ “You never had ta say it. Swanking around, complaining, hating on every little thing-” Jayne looked Simon straight in the eye, “You don’t understand her- and you never will.” “And you do?”

“I know her a helluva lot better than you! She sends most of her share home to her family and she won’t ever take the last biscuit and . . .” Jayne continued on, rapidly cataloguing Kaylee’s virtues from her gentleness and concern for the crew, to her genius in the engine room, to her cooking, even to the way she smiled with her hair falling out of a messy bun. He extemporized for several minutes and Simon let him. Jayne had seen so many things, minute and beautiful details that Simon had never noticed. The doctor’s horror was replaced with a different gut sinking emotion, something like guilt. How was it possible that Jayne saw all these things in Kaylee that Simon had never observed? Jayne trailed off eventually and Simon felt the grip on his arm loosen. The big man was getting tired. He would be unconscious again soon. They locked eyes. “You don’t deserve her.” Jayne said very deliberately, before his eyes closed again.

Maybe, Simon thought rather numbly, he didn’t.