A/N: Sorry for all you folks looking for NC-17. No porn yet. I was considering just having Kaylee sex Simon up good, but I just can't see him going for it without his head exploding. And since I totally went AU shortly after "Objects in Space", I'm gonna do it my way.

So instead, we get angst (which I am not usually good at, so hang on)! Besides, both of our intrepid heroes have some personal issues to work out regarding their relationship, and it gives me a chance to wax poetic. So I broke this whole thing up into a currently-unspecified number of parts.

It also gives me more room to work. Per someone's request, I can't leave unconscious Mal and Jayne alone. Now that River's fixed up her brother, whatever shall she do with them? Lipstick? Arrange them in suggestive poses? Suggestions welcome.

P.S. I know Simon seems much more coherent than usual. I figure that once you've got the girl naked and on top of you, propriety has long since left, so you can speak your mind without fear.

*******

"Kaylee. Stop." Simon put his hands on her shoulders - good lord, but her skin was soft....nope, can't think about that right now - and pushed her back up. "We should talk about this."

Kaylee pouted. "Why? You're a doctor, I'm pretty sure you know where everything goes." She crossed her arms and looked sour. He was going to do it again. Why couldn't he just shut his gorram mouth?

"Well, yes, but...." Simon stopped for a moment to gather his thoughts.

'Yep', Kaylee fumed in her head, 'here it comes. Open your mouth wider, Simon, ya gotta fit both feet in there.'

"I guess I didn't consider our relationship starting out this way."

Wait. What? Kaylee softened instantly. He wasn't totally panicking and throwing her out. He seemed to be speaking coherently. And did he say "relationship?" He was certainly thinking ahead - not that she minded, and since he brought it up first....well, maybe she should play along and let him surprise her. "So...you assumin' we have a relationship now? We ain't even been on a date - dead cows don't count, mister. Not very proper, takin' a girl to bed 'fore takin' her somewhere nice." Kaylee was suddenly in much better spirits, and couldn't help winding him up. It was a very bad habit the crew had, and she wasn't making it any better. Simon was just too easy to tease.

"Nor is it very proper to take advantage of a man when he's drunk." Simon cocked his head. "Back up a second. Does that mean you want to go on a real date?"

"I dunno. What kinda date you plannin'?"

"Good question. What did you do for dates where you come from?"

"Hmmmm. If the guy was really sweet, he'd take me to the general store for sodas. But mostly, we just made out in the barn." Kaylee's wry smile indicated that there was a lot more of the latter than the former. "How about a proper gentlemen from the Core? How'd you show a lady a good time?"

"Well, there was usually dinner, followed by some dancing, or maybe a movie. No barns." Simon actually sounded a bit disappointed. He was pretty sure Kaylee in a barn could be quite entertaining.

"No makin' out?"

"I didn't say we actually watched the movie."

"Huh. We'll go with yours; manure ain't exactly a turn on. An' if ya ain't up to foolin' around in here, then you're buyin' me breakfast."

Simon cleared his throat and looked down, clearly embarassed. "Well, about that. I was saving up for River's new shoes, and - "

"River's shoes are fine, Simon! Don't be a boob!" River's disembodied voice carried through the door. Simon frowned. He'd really have to talk to her about eavesdropping.

Kaylee laughed. "Two 'gainst one. Best get dressed. 'Sides, I still got ya 'til tonight." She cocked a suggestive eyebrow and bopped him on the nose. "An' if you keep bein' such a sweetie and talkin' all pretty, it looks to be a good night."

"Oh, yes. The wager. You say you beat my sister - my mind reading sister, no less - at cards?"

'Yep."

Simon gave her a suspicious look. He was pretty sure the girls had set him up, but decided to let it pass. "Well, then, I guess I'm honor bound to fulfill the bet and do as you say. How about I take a shower and brush my teeth first? I believe they're fuzzy, and I seem to smell like Jayne. We land in an hour, right? Shall we meet in the cargo bay then?" He looked down. "With clothes?"

"'K, but I can help ya with the shower." Kaylee had to try one last time. She already got him naked. Why not press the advantage?

Simon shook his head, dropping the banter for a moment and turning serious. "No. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right." He smiled again, shyly. "You deserve it."

Kaylee's eyes lit up as she bounded out of bed to grab her clothes. "Shiny. Don't be late, Simon. That's an order."

**

"'Nara! 'Nara! Ya gotta help me! 'Nara!" Kaylee pounded on the door to Inara's shuttle, practically dancing with nerves. Oh, God, a real, honest-to-goodness date with Simon. A flowered sundress and sandals weren't going to cut it on this occasion. She needed a professional.

Inara opened the door to her shuttle, her robe clutched around her. "My goodness, Kaylee, are you alright?" She spun as the excitable mechanic burst past her and ran to the bed, throwing herself down on it. "What's wrong?"

"I got date with Simon!" Kaylee was practically yelling. "But I ain't got anything to wear, an' I don't know how to act, an' he's all fancy and all I got is that silly dress from that party, an' I ain't the type a girl for this anyway, an' - "

"Hold it." Inara put up her hand, trying very, very hard not to laugh. "One thing at a time. You say you have a date with Simon?" Kaylee nodded. "And that date is more of an Osiris type of date than a Whitefall type of date?" Kaylee nodded again. "OK then. Nice clothes, a bit of makeup, and no guns. We can do that." Inara rallied to the cause and began rooting around in a trunk, finally pulling out a dress and handing it to Kaylee. "Here, I think this will fit."

"Oh, 'Nara," Kaylee breathed. The dress was gorgeous, and probably cost more than her entire wardrobe. "This is too nice, I can't wear it. I ain't one of them fancy girls." Her eyes welled up with tears. "An' Simon's gotta like a girl all dressed up. He's always dressin' so pretty, an' all I got is grease." She sniffled.

"Kaylee, stop crying." Inara's voice was firm. "You'll get the dress wet." Kaylee hiccuped a laugh. "And you're wrong."

That got Kaylee's attention. "Shen me?"

Inara sighed. Kaylee had such an inferiority complex about the doctor. Inara would be the first to admit that Simon nearly always managed to say the wrong thing, but it seems he'd finally managed to ask Kaylee out without insulting her. That showed promise. Now she just had to convince Kaylee. "Did Simon ever suggest that you should wear something special?"

"No. But I think he'd want - "

"Hang on. Did he ever suggest that you weren't worth spending his time on?"

"No."

"What did he say?"

"He said 'you deserve it', an' said if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right." She brightened. "An' he also said 'relationship'." The tears were gone, replace by a beaming smile.

"Well, then. I think he's made his intentions clear."

"He did?"

"Yes. It appears he's gotten over whatever was holding him back."

"Might have somethin' to do with me goin' into his room an' gettin' all naked."

Inara's eyes widened and she was silent a moment. "I see. Yes, that might do it. How did you manage that?"

"Got him drunk. River helped."

"Well, I'd say the fact that he didn't die of a heart attack and still wants to spend time with you is a good sign. So it comes down to what you want, mei mei. I don't think Simon would bat an eye if you showed up wearing your greasiest coveralls."

"Well, I do kinda like the idea of surpisin' him. Just to make it special like."

"Do you think he's able to absorb any more surprises?"

"He'd better be. I got a bunch of 'em."

**

"Well, son, it sounds like Kaylee has quite a day planned." Shepherd Book leaned against the door to the infirmary, where Simon was tidying up and laying out supplies in case they were needed while he was out.

"So it would seem. She's quite excitable that way. Did you need anything?" Simon easily fell into doctor mode when he was in this particular room.

"No, just stopping by to wish you luck." He paused a moment, as if deciding to say what else was on his mind. "Also, I overheard your discussion with her this morning."

Simon blushed. "I see. I honestly didn't plan that at all, Shepherd. She and River were in on it together."

"I wasn't faulting you, Doctor. You handled it well - which for you is quite a feat, as I understand it - and treated the girl honorably, especially in the face of her, shall we say, rather strong arguments." Book looked serious, but his eyes were dancing with mirth. "I believe she's made a fine choice in you. Besides, it does my old heart good to see a sweet girl like Kaylee get pampered by a rich, Core-bred doctor."

Simon snorted. "I'm not any of those things anymore, Book." Then his head snapped up, eyes looking panicked. "Oh God! What if she thinks I still am, and I'm going to disappoint her horribly!"

Book couldn't take it anymore, so he burst into laughter. "I see you saved the fumbling for me. You really are pure stupid, son." Simon's eyes narrowed at the insult, panic subsiding. "But if you're truly worried, let me demonstrate something to you." Simon nodded for him to proceed. "When the Captain, Jayne, Wash, or Zoe - or even Inara and I, for the most part - address you, what do we generally call you by?"

Simon thought a moment. "Well, I suppose you generally call me 'Doctor', or in Jayne's case, 'Doc', among several other colorful choices."

"Right. And what does your sister call you?"

That one was easy. "Simon, of course. It is my name, after all."

"Also right. Why?"

"Why am I named Simon? I suppose my father picked it...."

"No, I meant why does River call you 'Simon' and nearly everyone else uses 'Doctor'?" Simon just looked mystified. "Let me save you the trouble here, son. It's because River doesn't think of you as the ship's doctor first, she thinks of you as a person - her brother - first. The Doctor part is far less important to her than the Simon part. So she calls you by name and not by title."

Simon was quiet while he digested this. "I guess that makes sense. Where are we going with this?"

"What does Kaylee call you?"

Simon cracked a sarcastic smile. "Depends on the day." Book glared, not willing to let Simon get off track. "Well....she usually calls me Simon, too."

Book levelled a finger at the doctor. "Exactly. Consider that when questioning the lady's motives."

Simon sighed in relief. He really did feel better. "Thank you, Shepherd. That does ease my mind a bit."

"You're welcome." Book turned to leave. "Oh, one more thing, Simon." He stressed the name.

"Yes?"

"I know Miss Frye is quite excitable, but do remember what the Bible says about fornication."

Simon blushed again, but held his eyes up. He appreciated the Shepherd's counsel, but when it came down to it, an enthusiastic Kaylee was hard to ignore. And if today's date went OK, then....well, he was only human. "Of course. I'll file it right next to the part about kneecaps."