CHAPTER 2 - THE WORST GORRAM PARTY IN THE 'VERSE

It was two months and one outstandingly successful, yet danger-fraught, heist since Harriet's disastrous family outing. She'd pretty much settled back into the routine of the Serenity way of life. Her ribs had healed, but the pain of her brothers' betrayal had not. She figured on that being around for a while. But she could cope with it, surrounded by the not always content or happy, but certainly loyal, crew of Serenity.

This particular morning, she was kneading dough in the galley when a thought struck her. Tying her large white apron neatly around her waist, she wandered towards the engine room and hovered in the doorway, looking around for Kaylee. She could see two small feet emblazoned with bright green nail varnish poking out from beneath the engine's superstructure.

"Kaylee?"

"Uh-huh? Right here! Just fixing the" *grunt* "secondary grav. boot. It's been playin' up something awful!"

With a further groan, Kaylee squirmed out from beneath the engine holding a long piece of flexible tubing. "Wha's'up?"

"Not much, but I was just thinking, ain't it your birthday comin' up?"

"Yeah! It's in two days time right enough," Kaylee's face shone, "but I didn't think as anyone 'ad remember! How did ya?"

"Oh," said Harriet with faux vagueness, "jus' this little thing I like to call a memory, you might 'a heard of it - sorta thought to myself this mornin' "now, what was I doin' this time last year?" 'n' then I realised I was makin' your birthday cake! So what's it to be? I ain't got no chocolate, and ain't likely to get none out here in middle of no and where, but I can do ya coffee or lemon..."

"Ohh! Coffee please... with walnuts?" Kaylee tried hopefully, Harriet nodded.

"Walnuts 's something I can do."

"Actually," began Kaylee, "I was thinkin' about my birthday and all... Wouldn't it be real shiny to have a party? I don't mean," she went on pleadingly, seeing the uncertain look on Hat's face, "invitin' folks and such, I jus' mean for Serenity. We've all been workin' real hard, what with that Alliance near miss last month and all the smugglin'... Wouldn't it be shiny just to let off some steam?"

"Well," said Hat dubiously, "I dunno, I mean, the cooking ain't nothin', and doin' party food, well, it'd be fun, but I ain't so sure as the Captian'll go for it. Is it what you'd really like?"

"More'n a little," said Kaylee.

"And I bet the Doc could do with some steam release and all... " smiled Hat thoughtfully. Kaylee blushed.

"Maybe I was thinkin' sommat sim'lar, but don't say nothin' to no one, will ya?"

"Your secret is safe with me," grinned Hat. "OK, leave it with me and I'll talk to the Captain, see if we can't get him to agree, 'kay?"

"Oh, Harriet, Thank you! That's just shiny!" Glowed Kaylee.

"Right - you get back to work and show willin' and I'll get started on the cake."

***

Harriet was stirring something in a large earthenware bowl when Mal came in, looking for some company (not that he would ever admit it, even to himself).

"Hey, watcha doin'?"

"Mixin' up Kaylee's birthday cake. You know it's in a coupla days, don't ya?"

"I had a vague idea something of that nature were comin' up, yes." He smiled and reached for a cup.

"Mal," said Hat, turning round and wiping her hands on her apron with deliberation, "there was somethin' I wanted to talk to you about..."

"*Wuo duh MA*[12]!" groaned Mal "Why do I get the feelin' I ain't gonna like this?"

"Oh, you'll like it alright, you're gonna love it!" Harriet's sarcasm was manifest.

"Gorramit, woman! All I'm lookin' for is a decent cup of coffee! Is that the way this here conflab's goin'?" He sighed playfully and, as though being forced, said, "yes, you make better coffee than Jayne, what d'you want me to say? So does a space monkey as ain't never made coffee before, I'm hear to tell ya! Look, I just wanna drink the damn coffee, not discuss it!"

Harriet sighed. "Hey, I ain't fishin' for no compliments, actually this is about something altogether different... Kaylee just wants a little bitty party for her birthday, is all." Harriet held her breath, waiting for the come back.

"A what?" Spluttered Mal, "this ain't no ocean liner party ship, it's a workin' boat! Where the hell she get an idea like that?"

"Aw, come on, Mal, she's only gonna be twenty. Jus' 'cos you're a crusty old man, don't mean she has to be! Let her have her party. I'll cook those tiny little pizzas and those chicken protein on sticks - you love them..." Harriet was aware her voice had taken on a wheedling tone, but couldn't help herself. "Oh *tyen shiao duh*[13]! Mal! You know you're gonna wind up agreein' eventually, why not embrace the inevitable and enjoy your coffee in peace!"

"Now, you wouldn't be tellin' me how to run my own boat, would ya, Harriet?" growled Mal, suddenly steely.

"Oh gorramit, Mal, how's about you grow up and take advice for a change! Why say no when it ain't gonna benefit no one?"

"Grow up?" Mal yelled, but it suddenly seemed like too much effort to argue. "Fine, Harriet, but may I just remind you what happened last time we got to birthday celebrating? Ship blew up, Zo and I had those near death experience thingys. Quite a palaver, which you, I might add, weren't none too happy with neither. But, if you're willin' to take that chance, then go ahead, Kaylee can have her party and with my blessin'. Just remember, if there looks to be any need for persons being shot and or blown up, don't go picking on me!"

"Right then," said Harriet, "if this party calls for a death, I'll volunteer for ritual suicide to appease the wacky birthday gods! Happy now?"

"Fine!" snapped Mal.

"Good then, fine!" rejoined Harriet and turned to stir her mixture.

Silence filled the kitchen for a while, Mal grumpily slurping his coffee and Hat whisking and measuring. As she returned across the galley from putting the cake in the oven, however, Harriet threw her arms around Mal from behind as he sat at the table and pressed a light kiss on his cheek.

"You're a good man, Malcolm Reynolds," she whispered. Mal thought he could probably get used to letting Hat have her way a bit more often if that was the result.

"And I was thinkin'," she went on cheerfully as if, all this time, the room had been filled with party conversation, "as how we ain't far from Tolmec, you know, that shiny moon with all the nice lakes? Couldn't we set down there by the shore and have the party in the cargo bay, with the doors open? A nice summer night, a few streamers, it'll be more'n shiny! Besides, we ain't been there in a while an' the people are right neighbourly, mayhap we can pick up some goods to trade."

"Whatever," sighed Mal, "but I'm tellin' you this ain't gonna go so smooth!"

***

At supper that evening, just as everyone was finishing up, Hat, looking significantly at Mal, said: "Hang on people, before you go, I think the Captain has a little announcement to make. Mal...," she prompted.

He sighed heavily. "Some folks... folks as should actually be mindin' their own businesses," he glared beadily at Hat, "have minded me as it's Kaylee's birthday in a few. So, as I understand it's her birthday wish, and probably her dyin' one too if past experience is anything to go by," he added testily, "we're havin' a party."

"Oh, I love my captain!" squealed Kaylee and hugged him. Mal tried to look moody, but smiled sweetly at her, overcome by her enthusiasm.

"But let me make this abundantly clear, anything goes horribly wrong and we end up gettin' blown to smithereens, don't say as I didn't warn you!"

"Mal," sighed Harriet to the others, "seems to think Serenity is cursed."

"Not cursed in general," explained Mal, "just cursed partywise in partic'lar."

"Well aren't you just the life and soul!" observed Wash. "Don't worry Mal, I'll keep a look out. I'm well versed in disaster scenarios. Oh sure, you say: "it's a party, what can go wrong?" and before you know it the streamers have caughten alight from a candle and 'whoomph!' Bags I party policeman! Nothin' of a cataclysmic nature gonna happen on my watch."

"Ain't it good to know," sighed Zoë, "that my husband and my Captain are both insane? Gives me a lovely, shiny feelin'!"

"Well nothin's gonna spoil my party, I jus' know it!" exclaimed Kaylee. "And I think as we should all dress up real nice. You know, spiff up a bit? I can wear my layer dress and, Captain," she grinned at him, struck by a sudden whim of inspiration, "you could wear your Tight Pants! You look so handsome in them!"

Mal groaned. "Whoa there, Little Kaylee! It's one thing me sayin' as you could have a party, it'd be quite another makin' me get up fancy. Ain't gonna happen!"

"Now Captain," chided Inara, "how can you disappoint your public like that? Sure, we'd all like to see you in your terribly fine outfit!"

"Hell yes," said Jayne. "What'll you be wearin', Hat? Bet you scrub up real pretty when you've a mind... " He leered across the table at her.

Harriet leaned over and took the strawberry tart off Jayne's plate and passed it to Kaylee with a tutting sound of punishment. Then she smiled. "I might just wear a clean apron..." she ventured laughing, "or maybe leave it off all together..."

"So that'd a'd mean... you'd be wearin' nothin'?" Said Jayne hopefully.

"Noo! I'd be wearin' my overall dumb-ass!"

"Ruttin' shame!"

"If we are dressing up," said Inara, "you should too, Harriet. Why don't you come to my shuttle some time and try on some of my things? Sure, you're shorter than me, but, otherwise, I reckon we're about even. I'm bound to have something you can wear."

"Ok 'Nara, thanks, I will," grinned Harriet. "It'd be kinda nice to be a little different at the party, you know, not a cook for a spell..." Her voice turned wistful.

Mal looked at her dryly. "Very well, Cinders, you shall go to the ball." As they all exited from the galley, he tuned to Wash. "Wash, plot a course for Tolmec." But then he couldn't help muttering, the voice of doom, "something bad is gonna happen, I know it!"

***

A bare seven hours later Serenity touched down gently in a cornfield on the serene moon, Tolmec. A late summer morning was in progress. Butterflies flitted above the stalks and crickets chirped. Albeit he'd gone to bed a mere five hours earlier, Mal couldn't resist being up to sample the delights of the very pleasant little moon. As far as the eye could see the golden corn stood waiting, almost craving the cut of the scythe. Wash came up behind him as he stood at the cargo bay door.

He turned and smiled. "Now ain't that a gladsome sight! Looks like we came at just about the right time. There's always a fair amount of stuff to be traded at harvest!"

"It's harvest and then some!" Said Wash, looking at the aureate fields. "I guess they ain't got out this far with the cropping yet."

"Well," said Mal, "let's round up a gang and head into town, see what's doin'."

***

The Captain, Zoë, hell the whole of the crew, save Wash who'd stayed behind to tinker and Jayne who didn't like farm land - something to do with his childhood - wandered along in the dust, heading to farmers' central. The picket fences and wooden walls of the small town were all around them, but something was up.

"Well, this is just downright eerie!" The captain stopped in the middle of the street turning this way and that. The rest of the crew milled about looking into the hardware store, full of farming implements and the grocers, full of seed and animal feed. Over everything lay a sullen silence.

"Just where the *diyu*[14] is everyone at?" demanded Mal, to no one in particular. Zoë, squintin' down the bright street, gestured to the saloon doors of a scruffy looking bar, from which a pair of booted, turned-up feet protruded.

"I think there's one of 'em, right there, Sir," she said.

***

The bar was deserted save for the dead body and looked disused. The crew clustered round the prone form, showing various degrees of interest. Kaylee and Inara stood well back huddled together, looking spooked. Zoë and Hat hung over the body curiously and Mal and Simon hunkered down next to it.

"Well," Mal leaned over and poked the body, "appears to be a stiff. Any further thoughts, Doc? Coprsification well advanced or whatever?"

Simon knelt by the body, lifting up a hand, checking for vital signs. "Well, he's certainly dead. Not long though, I'd guess..."

"What, a coupla days?" queried Mal.

Simon looked up at Mal seriously. "More like a couple of hours!"

"Reavers?" Zoë's voice was business-like with an edge of fear.

Mal shook his head. "Nope this ain't their work. This was done by regla'r folks shootin' at each other." He fingered a neat bullet wound to the left-hand side of the skull. There were two more bloodier wounds to the chest.

"'Sides," pointed out Hat, looking critically at the dead man, "there ain't no desecration and such. Reavers tend to really live it up with a corpse, have some fun, if you take my meanin'."

"I do." said Mal, catching her eye and holding it for a spell, "though I wouldn't name it "fun" as such." He turned to the others. "But we've got no call to get nervous. We've all seen what Reavers do to a body and Hat's right, this ain't got the look of it."

"Well, what's..." began Zoë, when a noise from behind the long central bar of the saloon had them all whipping round, Zoë and Mal cocking their guns in anticipation.

"Can I get you folks a drink?" asked an old man wryly, shuffling out from behind the bar. "You all looks like you could use one, after your close encounter with Curly, there!" He laughed, a gurgling noise which turned halfway into a cough. He was dressed in the worst type of settler garb, making up for the thinness of garments and skins by a peculiar layering, with the result that he looked like nothing less that a heap of rags and dead animals with a head sticking out.

Mal, continuing to cover the man with his gun as he wandered forward, said, "yeah, he's a welcome sight and no mistake. Care to enlighten us on the situation hereabouts, old timer?"

"Well, that fella there's Curly Turner, one o' the many nephews of ol' Jim Turner what has a ranch up at Willow Creek. Prob'ly a come in ta town to pick up some feed or the like, but I'm reckonin' he won't be headin' back any time soon." He sniggered, poking the corpse with his foot and then strolled back to the bar, stuck his arm over the counter and came up with a bottle of whiskey. He yanked at the top with his teeth, spat out the cork and took a stiff gulp. Then, as they watched, he continued to gulp down the liquor as though it was water.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" Hat's soft remonstrance turned into a shout. She went over to the man and put a hand on his arm. "Whoa! Go easy there, that ain't no mare's milk you're guzzlin'!" She gently lifted the bottle from his fingers and reached for a cleanish glass. Then, gesturing to the others with her head, she led the old man to a table, set one of the many fallen chairs upright and sat him down. The others gathered round.

The old man nodded at Mal and Zoë. "Care to quit pointing them tom fool things at me?" He gestured to their guns; "it's that kinda caper what got us into this mess in the first place!"

Mal shrugged and laid his gun flat on the table, lifting his hand up carefully and waiving it in the air. "Look, no fire arms. Now, just what 'mess' are we talkin' on?"

"It's by way of bein' a feud," explained the old man, turning his glass of golden liquor round in his hands and gazing into its depths. "Old man Turner up at Willow Creek and Missus Leong at the Lazy 'L' have been goin' at it like cat and dog, for, oh, months n'more now, ever since Jim Turner shot the old lady's favourite horse, Charlie. My, but that was some damn fine horseflesh, could run like the wind and stealthy too, more 'n a little like a jaguar or such..." he sighed lost in a horse reverie.

Mal coughed. "You were sayin' as how there's a feud?" he prompted.

"Hm?" the old man pulled himself back from contemplating the beauty of a good horse. "Well, Missus Leong, she loved that horse, way more'n any of her good-for-nothing brood, I might add. And that was the start of it, half a year back. Since then the two families have been takin' pot shots at each other with this gorram town in between. Everyone's took sides and it's been pretty much a blood bath ever since. Ain't hardly no one left now, 'scept old'uns like me and the younger folk. Lots'a orphans and such now too. Ain't even got the manpower to get the harvest in proper. That's why you'd a seen it all standing on the stalk, leavin' it ta rot. Them as are left are holed up in either ranch and don't much venture out. It's a sad state'a affairs, but there it is!"

"It's a tale of woe, right enough," agreed Mal. "But I ain't sure as we can help much 'sept by clearing out a here fast before the shootin' starts again! Kaylee, it's lookin' like we may have ta find a new venue for yer do. This place don't look so neighbourly no more."

"Um, Captain," Book spoke from his position leaning against the bar, listening to the story, "I wonder if we might maybe be of some use here? Well, myself and Inara that is..."

"ME?" Inara sounded rather perturbed.

"Well, Shepherd, what d'you have in mind?" asked Mal.

"Perhaps, as people of peace, Inara and I might be able to assist in mediating this little disagreement?"

"Ain't hardly 'little'," put in Hat, sharply.

Book turned to her and, speaking mostly to her, continued to put his case. "There ain't many as would shoot at either a preacher or a companion without giving them a spell to say their piece first. Perhaps Inara and I could visit with the folk on each ranch, see if we could put an end to the killing. They must surely want an end by now?"

The old man quavered. "D'you really think ya could? I reckon most of 'em is ready and willin' to stop by now but just can't find the way. Neither side can get near each other, not without a bullet in their guts!"

Harriet looked at Mal, but spoke to Book. "I guess it's true that neither of ya are likely targets. It'd be the humanitarian thing to do, I s'pose."

Mal nodded at her and turned to Book. "Well, Preacher, if you and 'Nara are willin'," he shrugged, "I ain't got call to stop you tryin'. Might be more'n a bit dangerous though, I'm thinking." He turned to Inara. "You sure you wanna do this?"

Inara shrugged far more gracefully than Mal. "The Shepherd's right," she informed them. "Companions have often been used over the years as go-betweens and negotiators because of our particular status and discretion. I'd be willing to give it a try."

"Right, then," said Mal. "You two come back to Serenity and grab anything you need. I'm reckoning by the look of Curly that here ain't the safest place to be for longer'n strictly necessary. Mr er..."

He looked at the old man, who responded, "Goldy, they call me, on account o' having' come here lookin' for that very thing. Di'n't find none tho."

"Mr Goldy here," Mal went on, "can no doubt point you two in the direction of the warring parties. But walk soft both o' you. Can't afford to lose either one!"

***

The crew had left the town someway behind and were nearing Serenity, when they saw the figure of Wash hurrying towards them gesticulating wildly.

"Mal," he yelled, as soon as he was near enough for them to hear, "a wave's come in from Badger. Reckons he's got some work for us, but he needs it done urgent."

***

"I hope 'Nara and the Shepherd are gonna be all right!" Said Harriet, fretting. "I ain't so sure as we should'a just left 'em behind like that!" She pealed potatoes distractedly, chopped each one in half and fed them into a large stew pot bubbling on the hob.

"Quit, mothering!" said Mal. "They're both grown ups, a darn sight more grown up than me, apparently!" he shot her a look and she smiled softly. He gripped her shoulder as he came to stand beside her and massaged it gently. "I'm sure they'll be just fine. We'll see Badger, get the cargo and then go back and check on them if Tolmec is on the way to the drop spot, which it's as like to be as not, seeing as it ain't more'n 3 hours from Persephone. What the hell is this, any how?" He was staring into the pot, using a wooden spoon to poke about in its depths.

Harriet slapped at his hand and he withdrew it swiftly. "It's traditional Irish stew; my mum's old recipe. It's mighty tasty, but it don't become so 'til you've let it set for a spell in the oven - preferably at a really low temperature over night and it says here," she pretended to read from her home made recipe book, "'can be totally ruined if senior officers of any rank are allowed to peck at it', so get your hands off!"

Mal laughed. "This senior officer better go an see as Wash knows where to fly this gorram ship anyhow. I'm real lookin' forward to tasting that concoction in a bit though!"

"Who says you're gettin' any of it?" queried Harriet to his rear as he ran up the steps. She could hear his chuckle echo down the corridor as he headed for the bridge.

***

"Kaylee?" Mal stuck his head round the engine room door, but the room was deserted. Serenity would be landing at Eavesdown Docks within the next few minutes and Mal needed to find her. He cursed and yelled "Kayleee!" at the top of his lungs. Barrelling back along the corridor, he stopped still and quiet at the head of the steps down into the galley. Harriet was bent over one of the units doing something complicated with what looked like strings of protein. She was speaking to someone out of sight, clearly curled up in the lounge area to one side.

"I reckon as how you should stop the pussy-footin' around caper, that you been doin'," she was saying to whomever it was, "ain't nobody got their fall by dancin' round each other!"

"Oh! I get ya!" laughed a voice, distinctly Kaylee's to Mal's grim satisfaction. "An' you'd know Hat, seein' as how you never dance around anyone, do ya?" Kaylee's voice positively dripped sarcasm.

Hat snorted and turned round to grin mischievously at the unseen Kaylee. "Ain't got the slightest notion who yer referin' to, young lady, but if'n you mean me an' our beloved lead'..." Mal coughed and Hat stopped talking instantaneously, swivelling back round to the look at her cooking and trying to pretend she hadn't just turned crimson.

Kaylee laughed until Mal said, "Kaylee, don't pay you to put yer feet up and talk to the hired help!" A glare at Hat who, still looking at her culinary creating, stuck out her tongue where Mal couldn't see and rolled her eyes. "I pay you to keep Serenity afloat! I was gonna see if you wanted to 'company us to see Badger. Thought as we could stop off at the spares yard on the way back, see if they've got that extender couplin' you was naggin' me about, but if you're too much of a lady, too busy gossipin' for that, then..." He shrugged and made to leave.

Kaylee was on him in a second. "Oh Cap, I'd love to. Can I really? I ain't never met Badge proper, 'cept that one time and I was more'n a little distracted then, what with the shimmer wine and my shiny dress and all!"

"Well," Mal smiled, "be down in the bay in 3 minutes or we'll go without you! . And you," he leant across to Harriet, as he strolled out, "I'd give up the dancin' and stick to the cookin', if I were you! There's a darn sight more return in it!" He raised an eyebrow suggestively and Hat smiled softly at his retreating back.

***

The cargo nets covering Badger's 'office' provided some shade, but it was still pretty hot and stuffy as Mal, Zoë, Jayne and Kaylee stood in the centre of the room. They had not been asked to sit down. Mal, glancing around, also noticed that there seemed to be a certain amount more firepower encircling them than was usual.

"Captain Reynolds!" Badger greeted him tersely and then leant back in his chair, propping his feet on the desk before him.

"Badger," Mal nodded, "got word you maybe had a job for us. But, heard tell, you need it done quick. Well, here I am."

"Certainly do, Captain!" Badger stood up and wandered round his desk to face Mal. "Got a client what's got some livestock needs to get off world damn quick. The feds are showing way too much of an interest in his business affairs, if you get my drift, needs to make this particular cargo vanish pronto."

"That we can do, dependin'," said Mal, "on what livestock we're talking. Last time we moved cattle I swore to myself and my crew as how we'd never transport steer again unless we was real hard strapped. Took more'n a week to get my cargo bay clean again! This here cargo better be a mite smaller'n that or housetrained if we're gonna take the deal."

"It's your lucky day, Sergeant Reynolds!" Badger smiled a frankly disturbing smile. "This partic'lar cargo is smaller than cows and what's more, they're housetrained!"

"And they'd be?" Mal was looking a mite wary.

"'Undred of 'em, indentured servants to a man, should fit nicely in Seren'ty's hold."

"*Fay-fay duh pee-yen*[15]! You're askin' me to carry slaves?" Mal voice was gruff and deadly.

"Ain't gonna be a problem for ya, Cap'n, is it?" Badger asked innocently.

"You're gorram right, it's a problem," growled Mal, folding his arms, "ain't gonna do it, Badger! You'd best be findin' yerself some other stooge. Serenity don't carry slaves!"

"That's a gorram shame," sighed Badger, shaking his head, "'cos I ain't got no one else I can get to do it as quick as needs be and my client needs it doin' - now! I weren't askin', I were tellin'. So you better get Serenity prepped for her virgin debut as a slaver or I might go lookin' about me for some kinda hincentive."

"More money?" asked Jayne, hopefully.

"Nah, not that kinda hincentive," grinned Badger. "Lads." He nodded to a couple of his hired guns and flicked a hand. Hands gripped the shoulders of both Kaylee, who squealed nervously, and Zoë, who swore and struggled venomously till Mal, noticing the vast array of weaponry hung about the slightly jumpy men restraining them and realising they were outnumbered, said, "Zoë, *bee-jway*[16]!" Zoë stopped struggling immediately and a serious, communicative look passed between them.

Badger relaxed against the side of his desk. "So, Cap'n Reynolds, you do the job nice and easy, do as you're told, you come back 'ere, not only will you get a pretty payment for yer troubles, but yer'll get ya women folk back, none the worse. 'Course, you cross me in any way, yer'll get a whole heap o'troubles and their mutilated corpses. Do I make meself clear?" Kaylee squeaked again until Zoë shushed her with a look.

Mal nodded and rubbed his temple distractedly. "Wash and the Doc are really gonna kill me!" he muttered.

***

"*Lao tyen, boo*[17]!"

"You did what?!?" Wash and Simon's voices both raised in a cacophony of yelling.

"I didn't have no choice! *Dong ma*[18]?" Mal said earnestly in response. "We'd a tried to take 'em outta there with us, we'd all be dead. Zoë and Kaylee as well!"

"Oh *Wuo duh ma*[19]!" Wash's voice was ragged. "How could you do it, Mal? We gotta gather ourselves, get more fire power, go back in there an'."

"Yeah!" said Simon, "I think I could shoot to kill just about now!" His face was grim.

Mal shook his head. "Can't do that neither. We go in, shoot the hell outta Badger's place; it'll only bring the Feds down on us. We'll get pinched one way or another. Either Badger'll pin us or we'll be arrested for sure. Serenity searched. You want to lose yer sister too, Doc? An'," he added as an afterthought, "the girls'd still get killed, like as not!"

Wash, sitting at the table, had his head in his hands, "Zoë! *Tah-shr SUO-yo DEE-yure duh biao-tze duh MAH*[20]!" he moaned. He looked up at Mal determinedly. "We gotta do something, can't just sit here - this is Niska all over again!" He shuddered at the memory.

"No it ain't," Mal shook his head, "not nothing like! Niska tortured us, Wash. You an' me, for nothing more that the jolly or the 'reputation' or what have you. Badger has the girls for leverage. Won't do nothing to 'em 'scept we muck this up. We do the job, we do it RIGHT and we get 'em back none the worse. End of story. So that's just what we're gonna do!"

"Just exactly," said Harriet shrewdly, who'd been watching the discussion from the sidelines, a look of intense worry on her face and had rightly guessed that Mal was holding something back, "what is the "job", Mal?"

Mal looked across the table at her, their eyes locking, a look of apology and pleading in his, stern resolve in hers. He opened his mouth to speak, when Jayne's voice crackled over the com.

"Mal, cargo's arrived!"

***

Harriet watched from the middle platform of the catwalk as Mal and Jayne herded the men, women and children, some as young as seven, into the cargo-bay and tried to make them comfortable.

Mal came slowly up the steps to face her.

She glared at him. "*Tyen shiao-duh*[21]! Slaves, we're transporting slaves? An' not just any slaves, they're bound for them *gos se*[22] mines on Andover, ain't they?" She was incredulous.

He glared back. "Hey, I don't like it no more than you do, but we ain't got a choice."

"Don't know why yer fixin' to make 'em comfy, once we deliver 'em they won't last more'n a few weeks in those mines - especially the kids, hell, they'll be dead on delivery, practic'ly!"

"What the *diyu*[23] are you expectin' from me, Hat?" Mal whispered furiously, not wanting their conversation overheard by any of the "cargo". "We don't deliver, we've as good as murdered Zoë and Kaylee, you want that on yer conscience?"

"No more'n you do, Mal!" Hat murmured back, just as heatedly, "but we deliver 'em, we've as good as murdered a hundred people - men, women and children, for God's sake! Just 'cos we don't ruttin' know 'em personal like, don't make it any less bad or them any less dead!"

Mal glowered. "Hat," he said urgently, "I'm doin' my best. Let me think gorramit! I need time... Don't you trust me?"

Hat looked him in the eye for a long minute, grim as anything. "Right this instant? Not so much, no!"

Mal stared at her in horror for a stretched second, his mouth set in a bleak line, then he turned sharply and headed up the stairs. Hat watched him go with a dreary sigh.

***

Hat was preparing supper; after all, they all needed to eat, whether the world was falling down around their ears or not.

Simon wandered into the galley, shadowed by River looking moody.

"Hey!" Simon sounded despondent.

"How'ya barin' up, Doc?" asked Harriet.

"Ok, I guess," Simon sounded as forlorn as he looked. "What do you think Mal is planning? He's got a plan right?"

"Of course!" Hat tired to sound confident but it was hard. "I s'pect he's got somethin' up his sleeve, you know the Captain. Big with the plottin', a lot less big with the fillin' the rest of us the hell in!" She sighed. "Yer know, I guess I'm findin' it hard my own self, the idea that we're just gonna dump those poor folks down there at Andover an' leave em to be worked to death. Just don't sit right, is all."

"We've not got a choice though, have we?" Simon's voice was serious. "If we don't do it, think what Badger might do to Kaylee. and Zoë," he added as an afterthought. "That's not what the Captain's planning is it, Hat? I mean, you'd know if it was, wouldn't you?"

"*Wuh de tyen, ah*[24]!" Hat finally snapped. "Why does everyone always seem to think I know what goes on in that ruttin' madman's mind?" She exclaimed, exasperated. "I really have no idea what he's thinking and frankly I don't have a desire to!"

"Children should always listen to Daddy," said River solemnly, "but sometimes Mummy makes his decisions for him, doesn't she, Simon? Good or bad, she doesn't know. Bad or good they're always right 'cos Mummy made them... sometimes there good and bad like ice-cream."

"I really have no idea what she's talking about," said Simon apologetically to Harriet.

"Hmm," Hat looked shrewdly at River. "I better not be 'Mummy' in your twisted little notion, young lady and I'll thank you to remember that our conscience is our own to keep and no one else's!"

"Conscience is its own reward," smiled River. "It punishes us, but it punishes him the more."

Simon looked from Hat to River confusedly. Hat was enlightened.

"Top 3%," she grinned, "you gotta learn to pay more attention! . You ain't wrong though," she smiled softly at River. "He tortures himself enough, figure I shouldn't be doin' for him, right?"

River looked at Hat with an air of having made things right, just as Jayne swung into the room, hanging round the doorway to the corridor leading to the bridge.

"Hat, Doc - Cap said to come get ya. Wave's come through form 'Nara and the preacher. It's strategisin' time. Looks like we might get some action and about gorram time too!" He grinned enthusiastically.

Harriet and Simon both followed him hurriedly as he swung back out of the room. River followed too, unseen and mostly forgotten by them all.

***

Mal was leaning over the com. on the bridge with Wash peering over his shoulder, when Hat, Simon and Jayne arrived. Book was speaking and was clearly in the middle of a narrative of events.

"So then Inara used, what I think you'd term, her wiles, Captain, and Mr Turner was induced to come to the negotiating table. Mrs Leong, upon my personal invite also agreed to come." He twinkled and half smiled at the memory. "Goldy and Inara are in there now. The negotiations are continuing. We're using the Saloon as a base. It seemed appropriate and whilst, as I'm sure you'll agree, a quantity of alcohol can cause a man to fight, a little spirit eases the cogs of communication a mite. I'm confident that we shall reach a solution, but I'd not put money on exactly when that solution might be arrived at." He smiled depreciatingly.

"Well then, Shepherd," said Mal, all business-like, "you and 'Nara continue with your speechifyin'. As I said, we've got a fair few troubles of our own to iron out. 'Course any suggestions you got in that quarter would be handy..." He looked hopefully into the tiny camera. Book looked sorrowfully back.

"If either of us think of anything, we'll let you know. If you do come up with a plan though, I wager this town wouldn't turn away any folks wanting to lend a hand with the harvest. Could be Tolmec'd be as good a place as any for your cargo to find a new home..."

"Now that ain't a bad thought, preacher," smiled Mal. "We get this *niou-se*[25] sorted out, I reckon you might just have something there."

Book turned to one side and nodded. "Um, Captain, it seems we're reaching a critical stage. I'd better leave you. My thoughts go with you though, I hope you manage to sort this one out."

"Thanks!" said Mal dryly and cut the connection.

***

Wash sat, watching the stars and piloting, trying to keep his mind off Zoë and Kaylee. He heard footsteps. Mal stepped onto the bridge.

"Wash." It was a statement rather than a question. "Hat's just dished up the evening's chow, thought I'd take over from you so as you could go get some. I ain't all that welcome a body down there right now."

"No." Wash's voice was taught. "I can understand that."

"Wash," Mal was trying to keep the pleading out of his voice, "you know I'd a done anything to protect her if I could! She's my right hand woman, my first mate, been together a long time and I will get her back, I swear it."

Wash sighed, realising that he wasn't the only one suffering in this situation. "I know it, Mal." He looked up at the Captain, as Mal registered the use of his name rather than title; a thing Wash did to elicit closeness sometimes. "I'm so gorram scared I can't think. What if we don't get her back? Or Kaylee? What if Badger hurts 'em bad? Being angry makes me feel better than being so gorram helpless!"

"You got every right to be angry at me." Said Mal, "so you keep on doin' it if it makes ya feel better. I shouldn't a never put 'em in the way of harm in the first place. It was my fault. I failed 'em! Hell, take a swing at me if you want, it's what I deserve!!" He shook his head restlessly.

"Nah Mal," Wash smiled gently. "Ain't no one in the 'verse can beat Cap Mal Reynolds up half as well as he does his own self. For the gorram last time, none of this was your fault, it's life conspiring against us as usual, that's all!"

Mal shook his head once more. "It's a kindness, but I know I've messed up and I'll put it right."

"For the love of God, Mal," Wash was practically yelling, "you keep on like this I swear I'm gonna tell Hat, get her to sort you out."

"Too late for that," grinned Mal, sarcastically, "she's already chewed me out the best part of twice today, I ain't that lucky that'd I get a third tongue lashin'!"

"Well, perhaps you should listen to her sometime, girl speaks a lot of sense."

"It's possible you're right, Wash," winced Mal. "So far she's said as how I'm too partial to those I care about and I ain't thinkin' enough about those I don't know and that she don't trust me to make the right decisions." The words seemed to stick in his throat. "I'm thinkin' there ain't much more she can throw at me... You look all in. Get out of that ruttin' chair and go get the one thing Hat dishes out that makes folks feel good! Oh and I'd take it as a kindness if you could try stop Jayne from molestin' the cargo, they got enough to deal with once they gets to Andover without havin' to deal with a sex-crazed mercenary on the journey!"

Wash chuckled and headed down to the galley, whilst Mal sank gratefully into the solitude of the pilot's chair.

***

"So, I hear that you no longer trust our glorious Captain?" Wash pushed back his chair and looked seriously at Hat. He'd thought he was way too churned up to eat, but one whiff of Hat's stew and he'd succumbed. Then he'd succumbed some more. Hat, who was clearing the table, looked up.

"He told you that? I mighta known it would rankle!" She shook her head. "It's beginin' to look like I may have to apologise and you know how I hate doin' that. You got any suggestions as to how I get out of this one?"

"Uh-uh! Don't go lookin at me!" Wash waived his hands enthusiastically in front of his body in the universal symbol for 'no way'. "That dinner was mighty fine but not good enough for me to start acting as go-between for the two most volatile people on this ship of fools! Besides, I heard tell as you wanna sell my lovely wife down the river for a whole passel of folks we don't rightly know and I'm fair cross at you for that!"

"Oh, Wash! It weren't like that! I just don't know that we can hand those poor saps over with clear consciences, is all." Hat could see that Wash was smiling gently, only half-serious.

But now he looked grave as he nodded. "I know what you mean, Hat. It don't sit too well with me neither, but you'll forgive me if I'm a little biased here. I want my wife back and I don't really care how we do it!"

Hat looked at him seriously. "I know you do, Wash, and, please believe me, between us we will get Zoë and Kaylee back, no matter what."

As they talked Wash had risen and had begun following her around the kitchen as she tided. Now she turned and put her arms round him, pulling him into a consoling embrace. "We will get 'em back, I swear!" she whispered, unconsciously echoing Mal's earlier words to him. He put her off gently, tears starting in his eyes. "I know you will, if you can." He said chokingly and headed for his bunk.

***

Harriet headed bunkwards once the galley was clear, but, although it was late, sleep eluded her. After half an hour of pacing fretfully round her tiny space she diagnosed the problem. Manfully she climbed the ladder from her room and walked through the upper corridor of the ship. Silence reigned. Wash had taken himself off to his and Zoë's bunk for a restless night of fretting, by rights the bridge should be deserted, the course for Andover set. Yet Harriet could see the bigger form of the Captain, slumped in the pilot's chair looking out into the Black.

She walked up the steps lightly, but she thought from the slight tilt of his head that he heard her.

"Mal?" No answer, but he swung the chair round slightly so that she could see his face and looked at her. He looked thoroughly drained and exhausted, frightened to death and riddled with responsibility.

She stepped over to him. "I'm so sorry! I honestly didn't mean one of those things I said earlier!"

He grunted. "So am I!" he said with a horrible weariness and resignation. "I'm sorry I can't save 'em all! I would if I could!" His voice cracked.

Hat looked at him, emphasising the meaning of her words as the only thing that would comfort him. "You're the Captain, Mal! That's what it means. You have to be the one to make the decisions and you have to protect your crew, you are NOT responsible for the dreadful things *tyen-sah duh uh-muo*[26] do to each other. You can't be! You're gonna save Zoë and Kaylee and I know you'll do your best for those folks in the hold too. You can't do no more than that! No one can!"

She put her hand on his shoulder and his hand came up, almost involuntarily, to cover it. "It's a kindness," he glanced up at her, a tiny twinkle deep in his eyes, "but it ain't good enough. You're right! We hand those folks over to them as are waitin' at Andover, we've as good as killed 'em ourselves. Gotta think. Gotta be a way to save 'em all, Zoë and Kaylee and those poor bastards downstairs," he gestured towards the hold. Then he sighed, rubbed his forehead and shook Hat's hand thoughtfully.

"Well," said Hat, "we'll both do the plottin'. You're exhausted, but yer'll sleep better if we come up with a masterful plan. We'll just sit here an' spec'late a while." She swung round and sat on the floor of the bridge, pressed up against his knees, her head resting against his thigh. She looked up at him from her vantage point and smiled sympathetically. She was rewarded with a tentative, but dimpled smile from Mal.

They sat there for a long time, watching the Black and thinking, Mal's hand absently resting on Hat's head.

Very quietly into the silence she said, "Mal, I do trust you, you know. You're a good man." She was answered by nothing but a heavy sigh and she looked up to see he was asleep. She stood up as softly as she was able and went to the lockers by the bridge door. Taking out one of the rough blankets stored there, she tucked it lightly around the Captain and, ever so tenderly, kissed him on the forehead before heading off to her own bunk and what little sleep there was to be had.

***

Kaylee nibbled on a biscuit and swung her legs. They'd been in captivity for 24 hours and, though there were bars on the window of the serviceable room, furnished with two beds and a table and guards on the door, Kaylee felt being kidnapped could'a been a lot worse and said so.

"Oh yeah!" growled Zoë fretfully, ''cept I feel as if I'm bein' killed with kindness here. I prefer a ruthless killer to behave more like a, you know, ruthless killer and not give us food and bedding and such. Still, I reckon if the Cap and the others don't come through, Badger'll still kill us just as ruthless tomorrow."

Her matter of fact words made Kaylee pale.

"The Cap will sort this all out though, won't he, Zoë?" Kaylee pleaded for reassurance. "We'll be back on Serenity by tomorrow evening and everything'll be shiny, right?"

Zoë felt bad for downing Kaylee who was usually so up, but she just didn't have the heart to pretend.

"I hope so, Kaylee," she said darkly. "I hope so."

Kaylee looked at her seriously. "I don't hope so, Zoë," she said with a return of that unshakable loyalty, "I know so. Cap'n is always lookin' out for us, we just gotta have faith, is all."

***

Mal woke up with a start as Wash wandered onto the bridge.

"A very good mornin' to you, Mal! You sleep here last night?"

"Figure I musta. Don't remember droppin' off though..." Mal stretched and yawned, "an' I don't remember getting out no blanket neither." He plucked at the offending article with one hand. "You're soundin' a might more chipper this mornin'. We there yet?"

"Should be touchin' down soon as I can get myself near the controls to land this thing..." Wash gestured to the chair in which Mal was sitting and nodded encouragement. Mal glanced down, "oh, uh huh..." He scrambled out and stood to one side rearranging his rather creased clothing. "Figure I've just got time to go freshen up, right?"

"Just about. Go, go!" said Wash through gritted teeth as he slid into Mal's recently vacated seat and fought with the controls.

***

Harriet woke feeling rather optimistic, or at least a little less jaded - even five hours sleep is better than none, she reflected. They'd be landing at Andover in a few minutes. She wouldn't be needed as cook, but as general crewmember, to help with the off loading. Perhaps - a subconscious thought wormed its way into her conscious brain for a single horrific moment - with no other woman on the ship, she might take the opportunity to look a little more like one for a change.

Rejecting her usual khaki overalls, she selected a pink and slightly girly t-shirt, which served to emphasise her narrow waist and shapely bosom and a pair of serviceable, low slung, grey flannel trousers. Tying her hair in a high ponytail and looking herself over with some satisfaction, she headed towards the action.

***

Ten minutes later Mal strolled back to the bridge looking somewhat refreshed and wearing a clean shirt. Wash was just bringing Serenity in to land and Jayne was leaning against the bulkhead making sarcastic comments. Simon and River followed in behind Mal.

"Right," Mal was serious and businesslike. "We play this one straight, but no harm in gettin' a feel for the place. Jayne, Wash, you two run together. Try and get as good a look as you can at the security, but just don't as all hell make it obvious! *Dong ma?*[27]" Jayne and Wash nodded briskly. "And Harriet," Mal paused and glanced round, "where the hell is that woman?"

Jayne let out a low whistle and a soft "*Wuo duh Ma*[28]!" Glancing up and down appreciatively as Hat bounced up the stairs to the bridge. "I'm here!"

Mal did a double take, making no direct comment, but saying; "and about time too! 'Kay, Hat, you and I are gonna make with the schmoozin'. I want you acting all girlish and ditzy with a side order of vague - I must say, that look is just down right perfect! But keep your eyes peeled - any info is good. Oh and feel free to ask dumb blond questions..." Hat opened her mouth but nothing came out. She tried not to look scandalised and hurt. Gorramit, she was hurt, you make an effort to look nice and what do you get? Insults and from the very person who... but any how, what the hell had she expected?

"Right you are, boss!" She said, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. She was not entirely sure she succeeded, as Mal paused and gave her an odd look before saying, "Ok, people, let's get to work, got a cargo to unload here."

He headed for the cargo bay, followed by Simon, saying; "What about us Captain, what's mine and River's role in this?"

Mal turned on the overhead catwalk. "Not a gorram thing!" He answered. "I want you and yer sister staying nicely tucked away on Serenity. Don't want no one takin' too much of an interest in you, 'specially here. Mine owners tend to have a vested interest in keepin' the Alliance sweet thereby getting their whole slavin' activities overlooked. You two settle in, we shouldn't be here too long any how."

"*Tyen shiao-duh*[29] and yet another trip to the big outdoors passes us silently by!" sighed Simon. "Come on River, we'd better get ourselves stowed. Don't want to be a burden to the Captain." His last comment was spat sarcastically at Mal as he and River headed for the guest quarters.

"I'm thinkin' girly ain't such a bad look for you, Hat!" said Jayne as they progressed in convoy down the stairs to the bay. He leered over her from behind plucking at her sleeve. Hat shook him off roughly.

"Jayne, do me a favour and stop thinking with your *jan-doh duh ee-kwai-ro*[30]! Trust me, I may look it, but I really ain't THAT dumb!" Growled Harriet.

Unseen by Jayne and Hat who were following behind him, Mal smiled a satisfied little smirk.

***

The four crewmembers stood on the ramp of Serenity's cargo bay looking out at Andover. The planet appeared to be basically burnt red earth with here and there a scrub tree or a patch of yellowing grass. In the foreground some way in front of Serenity's doors was a high, chicken wire fence. Behind it could be made out a row of long, low wooden huts and, rearing behind, the huge slag heaps of earth and rock spewed from the mines.

"Attractive little world," remarked Wash conversationally.

"Yup, certainly ain't no holidaymakers moon," agreed Mal, heavily. "Still, let's get this done!"

He turned back into the ship, where Jayne was beginning to round up the people and herd them out of Serenity's big bay doors.

"Er, Mal..." Hat caught his arm and gestured to where two men were making their way over the scorched earth to the ship. One was tall and dignified, decked out in the trappings of a gentleman, fine linen and no small amount of gold embroidery. The other was smaller and darker, dressed in serviceable leather and metal, with a large whip attached to his belt.

As they got near enough to be heard, the tall gentleman spoke: "One of you would be Captain Reynolds?" His voice was imperious and peremptory.

"That'd be me." Mal's voice was bland.

"I'm Governor Wilkes and this is my prod, Bull Dog." He indicated the smaller man. "You got a cargo for me?"

Mal gestured behind him. "You can see I have. All present and accounted for. You got the coin for me as agreed?"

"All in good time," said the Governor. "You won't be minding if Bull Dog here checks 'em over first. Need to make sure none's been lost in transit and you ain't keepin' a likely one or two for yourself."

"Sure," Mal was affability itself, "ain't got nothin' to hide. But, likewise, you won't mind as how a coupla my men'll go with yours. Ain't got no notion to be cheated neither."

The Governor laughed. "I like a man as is partic'lar about trade." Mal smiled a tight smile and nodded to Jayne and Wash who fell into step with Bull Dog as he drove the cargo towards the distant fence. Mal and Hat looked on as ragged men and women and skinny children stumbled in the bright sunlight towards their waiting hell.

The Governor looked at the burning sky, followed by a lingering look at Hat, or more particularly at the bare section of flesh where her t-shirt didn't quite meet her trousers. He glanced nonchalantly back towards the fence. "And while we're waiting for the hired help to do their thing, how's about we get out of this godforsaken landscape, go have ourselves some refreshment? Sure the lady here could use it." He grinned lasciviously at Hat who blushed and fanned her eyelashes gently in his direction, feeling like an idiot.

As they turned from Serenity to head over towards a hacienda style dwelling laid out some way from the fence, she caught Mal's eye. From his look it would appear that, however much she felt the fool, she was doing exactly what he wanted her to. His look was warm and appreciative with a hint of humour.

***

"Nice place you have here, Governor, you don't mind my saying," said Mal. He, Harriet and the Governor were seated at a table to one side of a cool courtyard watered by a pool and fountain arrangement. Bougainvillaea bloomed against the walls and the sound of the fountain played gently in the background.

Governor Wilkes smiled. "Sweet, ain't it? An' knowing the likes of those poor idiots are just the other side the fence, makin' me the coin for all this, makes it just that little bit sweeter."

"Imagine it does." Mal's smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Let's just say I ain't a poor man myself, like to see my money around me." He gestured to the fountain and pools. "Ain't any water to be had on this here moon; rock, stone and minerals, that's what this moon has and plenty, but water, nah! Every bit of it has to be shipped in. Which is why you'll appreciate that this here fountain is a very high priced commodity. Water here's dearer than gold and I like to show mine off."

He nodded towards the fountain, leaning over to allow the water to run through his hands. In the distance the noise of a foghorn, ordering the workers down the mines, could be heard. "Can I offer you another glass?" the Governor gestured to Harriet who had finished her glass of frosted juice.

"Thanks, that'd be mighty fine!" she purred. As he gestured for a servant to come up and take her glass, she continued, laying a concerned hand on the Governor's arm, "ain't you at all worried by having so many workers so near by? I'd be awful scared I'd be murdered in my bed by one of that mob fixing on escape!"

The Governor laughed. "That's the beauty of a waterless planet like ours. Makes the hired help awful docile. They only gets as much water as we chose to give 'em. They play up, they die a thirst." He smiled. "'Course, also, cuts down on my security bill, you catch my drift..."

Mal nodded, putting in and explaining to Hat; "How many guards and fences do you really need on a moon where, if a body escapes, he'll die of thirst if he don't give himself up quick. This ain't exactly a forgiving landscape..."

"Well put, sir," laughed the Governor. "It's certainly cheaper to run this kinda enterprise on a world where your employees, or should I say belongings, ain't got no choice but to work for you. It's even better for 'em to go on down the mines of a day rather than stay top side in this heat!"

Harriet glared at him. His complacency at the horrible business he conducted was getting to her. She opened her mouth to spew forth vitriol, just as Mal placed a seemingly possessive, but actually warning hand on her arm.

"I must say I congratulate you on the set up you got here, Governor Wilkes, it's a mighty fine piece of organisation, but I see my boys and yours is done." He nodded to where Wash, Jayne and Bull Dog were coming over from the worker's camp. "So, if everything's in order, I'll be taking my payment and getting gone. Got other jobs waitin' for me and it don't pay to hang around."

"Of course, of course," the Governor was suavity itself. He glanced an enquiry at Bull Dog who nodded curtly. "Well then, seems everything's as it should be. Bull Dog here will fetch your pay. One moment..." Bull Dog disappeared into the house and reappeared some moments later with a wadge of cash, which Mal counted carefully before glancing up. "Pleasure doin' business with you, Governor," he smiled.

"And you." Replied the Governor. He took Hat's hand and kissed it. "And, madam, it was an enchantment all its own to meet you!" Hat tired to hide her distaste as his lips brushed her hand.

"Governor," she said, "a pleasure" and taking Mal's arm headed as quickly as she dared back towards Serenity.

***

"Whoa slow down girl! Ya gonna break sommat!" Mal whispered as Hat towed him determinedly back up Serenity's ramp.

"*Tah-shr suo-yo dee-yure duh biao-tze duh Mah*[31]! Jus' wanna get off this gorram planet, is all," she hissed. "Feel like I'm gonna need about 3 good showers before I'm in any way less grubby!"

Mal grinned. "Well, ain't gonna get that on Serenity and you'll need to go easy on the water anyhow, it ain't as though we got that much our own selves." He smiled smugly. "Serves you right for wearin' such a mighty provocative outfit, don'it? Can't blame the Governor for takin' an interest!"

Harriet glared at him. "Oh for God's sake, Mal! Inara wears stuff way more risqué than this every good gorram day, and do you comment? No. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to change."

Mal smiled indulgently at her as she headed up the cargo bay stairs and hit one of the buttons on the cargo bay panel, closing the doors. "Wash," he called up to the pilot who was moving along the catwalk, "take us outta here."

He strolled towards the stairs. "Let's go redeem our womenfolk," he said.

***

From the moment Captain Reynolds stalked determinedly into his office, coat billowing more dramatically than a reasonable person had a right to expect a coat of that cut to do, Badger knew, could see in his eyes, that here was a man ready to take his head off (and not metaphorically) given the slightest window. Not that Badger let this show. If anything, Badger became more cocky and self-assured the more untenable he felt his hold on a situation to be. Play it how you want others to see you was his motto.

"Well, well, well. Captain Reynolds, as I live an' breathe and what brings you to my 'umble 'ome?"

"You know full well, Badger, so I suggest we can the social niceties." Mal was icy. "Job's done." He threw a bag of cash across the room. It hit Badger's desk with a heavy clink and coins rolled out knocking into the ornaments and cups placed there. "And I want my womenfolk back, now!"

Behind Mal, Jayne was squaring up, eyeing Badger's henchman with a far less concealed, less contained anger. Tempted as he was to taunt Mal, Badger had a feeling that the big mercenary wouldn't wait. Any procrastinating and he was likely to start shooting indiscriminately. Standing next to the mercenary, looking, if anything, more worrying to Badger, was a smaller man, a look of such intense hatred in his eyes that Badger all but flinched. He caught the eye of one of his henchman hovering in the doorway of another room. The man read the unspoken directive and melted from the scene.

"Well Mal," he began.

The smaller man spoke for the first time. "You don't know me Badger, but I can tell you I ain't a fighting sort normally, but you're holding my wife and you don't bring her out this instant, I'm just gonna shoot you make myself feel better! *Dong ma*[32]?" His hand strayed to the handle of a gun, stuffed in the front of his overall.

Badger grinned cheekily, as from behind the speaker a slightly amused voice said: "Husband, put that gun away, you could have someone's eye out!" Wash and the others swung round to find Zoë and Kaylee standing in the doorway with Badger's henchman. Kaylee greeted them in her own inimitable way with an enormous grin and a little waive of the hand. Mal breathed a sigh of relief, letting out the breath he'd been holding ever since they'd walked in.

"See, Captain Reynolds," Badger said nonchalantly, "never let it be said that Badger don't keep his word. I'm a businessman see, I get fings done any way as is necessary, but I ain't no *shiong tse sha sho*[33]. I've kept my end of the bargain since you've kept yours, so let's not have no fuss. Girl's'll tell you as I din't treat 'em half bad..." he added to Mal's stony face. "Hope we can do business again if I need ya - don't want ta be cuttin' off ya nose to spite ya face, eh?" He pleaded.

Mal raised an eyebrow and Jayne added, "nose, yeah, you all full a snot, ya know that, right?"

Badger glared. "Get ya hound in order, Captain. Don't wanna spoil an amicable conflab with agro now, do we?"

"Can't say as this has been so gorram amicable, Badger," said Mal. "But we got what we came for so we'll be goin'. See ya around, or rather not, I'm hopin'. Come near us again, I ain't gonna be responsible for my men or me, you get me?"

Badger didn't answer, but as Mal and the others were leaving, he called out, "'ere, Captain! You forgotten yer part of the payoff, don' you want yer coin?"

"Keep it Badger, I ain't takin' money from a *chiang-bao hoe-tze duh*[34] deal like this." Mal said over his shoulder without looking back, "best put a down payment on some kinda health insurance, if I were you."

Badger glared and sighed, but turned to gather up the cash, when a huge and hairy hand reached over and gathered up Mal's cut. "The Cap may be too high and mighty to take the coin, but I figure he'll be needin' it sometime." Jayne flashed Badger a smile without one jot of humour and hurried after his boss.

***

"Well, fun and all as the whole kidnapping gig undoubtedly was," said Zoë, "I'm mightily relieved to be back on Serenity!" She smiled at Wash who was practically jumping up and down beside her, pleased to have her back. He pulled out a chair and nudged up behind her at the table. Harriet turned from the stove, a pile of fresh pancakes in her hand. Kaylee bounced in. "Ohh, Hat's special "Welcome Home" pancakes, Su ruttin' perb!"

She slammed into a chair and grinned around the table. River was already there, reaching for a plate and Simon now came in, pleased as anyone to have the girl's back. Mal and Jayne came in from the cargo bay.

"Well, we're sealed up tight," said Mal. "I reckon Persephone ain't such a healthy place for us to be right now."

"Yeah!" Jayne agreed. "Sooner we get gone the better, you ask me."

Mal leaned over and kissed Kaylee's head, hugging her from behind. "It ain't half shiny to get my women back!"

"That it is, Cap," said Hat from the stove, turning round, spatula in hand, like a sword, "so lets talk about what's to be done now."

***

"Well," said Wash. They were all now seated round the table, papers spread in front of them. "As I see it we got three main hurdles."

"And they would be, Wash?" Mal was suddenly all about the job.

"Number one," Wash counted them off on his fingers, "the fence."

"Yeah, well, I ain't denyin' as it's high, but a pair of wire cutters and I don't see it causin' much bother," said Mal.

"Ain't so much the fence as the guard on it," said Jayne. "For all that eyewash Governor Wilkes gave you 'bout not botherin' with security, they do take a few precautions."

"Yeah," put in Wash, "Bull Dog was tellin' us. They have two guards patrolling the perimeter 24 hours."

Zoë and Mal exchanged a look. "I think I can help you with the guards," Zoë put in.

Wash began to say, "but how...?", took one look at Zoë and decided to shut up, muttering; "Yeah, sometimes I figure it's just best not to ask."

"So, fine," said Mal. "Wash, what's number two?"

"Collars." said Wash. "Another nifty security device Bull Dog decided to show off to us. Very proud they are of it! They put collars on a lot of the kids. Keeps the parents docile."

"What do the collars do?" asked Hat, looking sick.

Jayne made a cut-throat motion. "Soon as a kid walks off the compound... stops the parents from tryin' to escape."

"Electrifies 'em or such, huh?" Hat was grim. "*Ta ma duh*[35]! Sooner we stick it to that piece of *gou shi*[36], the better!"

"Too true, Hat," put in Mal, "which is why we gotta keep our heads and think this through. Wash, Kaylee, I'm guessing them collars got some sort of connection to the computer system, make 'em work right? You think you can swing some kinda an upgrade?"

Kaylee looked relieved to be doing something. "I'll talk to Serenity, see what she's got."

"I'm sure we can rustle up a change in instructions," smiled Wash.

"Good, you do that." ordered Mal, "but first, thirdly? I'm guessing it could be the good Governor hisself. Am I close?"

"*Shr ah*[37]!" Wash smiled.

"Well, we know as he ain't gona be keen on alertin' Alliance if he got problems with his slaves runnin' off," said Hat. "So where's the gorram problem? We just let Jayne hit him over the head with sommat heavy, no?"

"Ain't as simple as all that," explained Mal. "We don't want to have ourselves another Niska situation. A Man like Wilkes knows we've crossed him, he's gonna take it personal. Maybe even get Badger involved. But that's as maybe. For sure, if we make off with his entire workforce you can bet your sweet life he'll do more'n just shrug! Don't wanna end up runnin' more than we already are," he glanced at River and Simon, "and I ain't keen on lookin' over my shoulder the next 50 years or so."

"I think that's something I may be able to help you with, Captain," said Simon, speaking up for the first time. "I think I may have a little something of a pharmaceutical nature that could make him forget he ever saw us - that he ever had slaves, come to that." Mal smiled at him. Simon continued, "problem is getting close enough to him to inject the stuff. It'll be no small hypodermic and I doubt he's the kind of man that's going to let us just walk up to him and dope him."

Harriet sighed. "I think that may be where I come in!" she said.

***

Inara leant over Book, mopping at his head with a cloth.

"I am so sorry, Shepherd! I had no idea Mr Turner would react like that to what was a very sensible suggestion, if I may say so!"

"No harm done!" sighed Book, a little wearily. "Still I thought we were nearing a breakthrough - now I'm not so sure. Only thing we seem to have attempted to break through is my skull with that blessed chair!"

"I think you may be looking at the wrong end of a sizeable headache," Inara commiserated. "Why don't you go and rest. I'll deal with the warring parties for the rest of the evening. As soon as the doctor gets back I think he should check you don't need stitches. Seems to me you're always being knocked on the head!"

"It must be particularly solid then," smiled Book ruefully, "because I never seem to learn, do I?"

He stood up form his chair. "I think you're right though, I will go have a lie down, I'm feeling my age a little tonight. You young ones have so much more stamina!"

Inara laughed. "I'm not sure that's it, Shepherd. I just know when to duck! Sleep well!"

She turned back towards the doors that led to the main bar and squared her shoulders. Taking a deep breath she pushed them open forcefully, making as much noise as she could muster while staying as graceful as ever. The clatter of her entry caused the man and woman seated at either end of the table to pause in their tirade against each other and look round. Their factions, arrayed down the lengths of the large makeshift negotiating table, paused and looked up as well.

"Right." Inara steeled herself and then she did something she had never, in all her years as a Companion, ever done in public before. Had any of the House Madrassa Companions been present, they would have undoubtedly found it most shocking. She raised herself up to her full height and she yelled.

"*Nee mun doh bee-jway*[38] Enough! ... Mrs Leong, Mr Turner, you have both had your say. You have each aired grievances as long as my arm, which have led you to turn this town into a battleground and it is, quite simply, enough! The last straw was allowing a perfectly innocent Shepherd, who has only ever tried to help you, to be hit over the head with a chair. He has gone to lie down!" She paused and moved to sit in the middle of the table with a quiet dignity. The room was full of a stunned silence. Into it she said, in a tranquil but firm voice, "we will have peace and reconciliation and we will have it this instant!"

***

Hat cleaned off the tiny camera on the bridge com. with a hanky.

"*Tzao gao*[39]! Do you mind?" She turned to the others, "can't say I'm gonna do this all that convincingly if I got you guys all staring over my shoulder!"

"Uh, ok. We'll leave you alone." Mal motioned to the others. They all made various murmuring noises of disappointment and trooped off. Mal, the last, stood at the top of the bridge steps to listen.

"Governor! This is a delight!" Hat practically purred at the screen, Mal was impressed - hadn't quite realised Hat could be so disingenuous, Inara maybe, but... was enough to make a man a little nervous...

"Well, I got yer message, young lady," the Governor was brisk, but obviously charmed. "What can I do for ya?"

***

Hat turned off the camera and sat back. The sound of slow clapping came from the stairwell where Mal had obviously been eavesdropping.

"Well, well, well, Ms Blake, I had no idea you could be quite so nefarious, you put yer mind to it!"

"Captain," Hat got up and curtsied. "I'm flattered! Praise from a man of such deceptive skill is praise indeed!" Mal paused and then shrugged, unable to make out if Hat had just complimented or insulted him.

"Well, when yer've finished wooin' and lyin' to yer man, wonder whether you might take a shot at supper?"

"Why I'd be delighted!" Hat's voice dripped sarcasm. "You may not be aware a this, but we women can multitask. Supper's been in the oven for the last hour!" She smiled sweetly at him and flounced from the bridge.

***

"OK, so," Mal leaned his elbows on the table, strewn with the remnants of a mighty dinner. "Hat's done her thing and the Governor's well and truly hooked - as who wouldn't be?" he dimpled sarcastically at Hat, who, now looking less than glamorous, was stuffing apple tart into her gaping maw. She wrinkled her nose in acknowledgment - all she could do under the circumstances. Having swallowed, she stuck out her tongue, but Mal had already moved on. "How we doin' on the rest a the caper? Kaylee, Wash? You set?"

Kaylee nodded, leaning forward eagerly. "We think so, Cap'n. We got a good idea how they're doin' the collar thing. We reckon we can override the binary commands and put a lock on the functions."

"As a bonus," added Wash, "we do this right, it'll knock out all the security links on the fence too. Should mean wire cutters really is all as is needed to get through it."

"It's time sensitive though," continued Kaylee, laying out some diagrams on the table in front of her. "We should be able to disable the system for about half an hour, give you time to get the workers out. Any more and the back up systems will kick in, override the lock down and start the system up again. That happens before we got all the kids out, well."

"Boom?" Jayne suggested.

Wash nodded worriedly, "ka-bluewee," he agreed.

***

"Sounds like you may have some extra hands for the townsfolk here to help with the harvest, if things go according to plan!" Inara smiled over the com. at Mal and Zoë.

"Do things ever go according to plan?" asked Zoë wryly.

Mal turned to glare at her. "Thanks for the vote of confidence!"

Zoë shrugged. "Well, Sir, you know as well as I do smoothness is something we aim for, but seldom achieve!"

Inara laughed. "Well, let me tell you that "not smooth" has been the order of the day here a little too. The Shepherd being all but brained didn't help, but I've finally got the parties to a consensus. It was tough and between you and me I had to get more than a little steely, but it worked. Not but that the Shepherd couldn't benefit from a look over by Simon, when you've finished with your noble, but doomed, causes."

"Soon as we got our cargo back, we'll be right there, promise. How bad is he? Should we be droppin' the doc off on the way?"

"No." Inara smiled at the worry in Mal's voice. "He's fine, I think maybe a bit concussed. Seems lucid enough though. May I suggest you hurry for another reason? What's left of the townsfolk are planning a little commemorative shindig to celebrate the ceasing of hostilities. It's going to be tomorrow night. If you get back here in time, I think we'll have the makings of Kaylee's birthday party all ready for her!"

"Good plan!" said Zoë. "We could all use a little R n' R after our experiences this week - especially Kaylee - being kidnapped ain't a whole 'verse a fun, I'm here to tell ya!"

***

Serenity landed at dusk, directly next to the compound of Governor Wilkes. Harriet stepped from the cargo bay doors, followed by Simon, looking, if anything more formal than usual in his neatest waistcoat and cut away jacket. Harriet was wearing a dress purloined for the occasion, with Inara's consent, from her shuttle collection. It was one of the beaded top and gauze skirt variety and left little to the imagination, while being reasonably classy in a floaty, see-through kind of way.

Governor Wilkes met them at the door to his villa. Smiling as he kissed Hat's hand and shook Simon's.

"This is my friend, Simon," Hat explained. "I'm sure you'll understand the harm it would do my reputation were I to visit you unescorted."

"I get ya." Said the Governor, all smiles and waggling eyebrows, "he's by way of being a chaperone - I see my lively reputation with the ladies has preceded me." Hat and Simon did their best to join in the laughter following this remark and they made their way into the garden area. "I've given my servants the night off," the Governor continued with more enthusiastic eyebrow waggling, "so as we could have a bit a privacy. I'm sure, er, Simon, was it?" Simon nodded, "wouldn't object to maybe takin' a turn or two round my homestead while you and I talk?"

He leered at Hat, but Simon said, "of course, Governor, I'll leave you and Miss Harriet to it!" and wandered off towards a distant pool.

"Now." The Governor smiled at Hat, smarm incarnate, "shimmer wine for the lady?"

"Wonderful!" agreed Hat. The Governor popped the cork and poured out two long flutes of wine, handing one to Harriet.

"Now tell me what a charming young lady like you is doin' on a disreputable piece of *luh-suh*[40] like that ship you came in on..." he smirked. Harriet blushed prettily and shrugged.

"I wanted to see the world. Wasn't as if there were all that many opportunities back on Zephyr - that's where I'm from," to emphasise the point, she leaned over and touched the Governor's knee.

The Governor nodded encouragement. "Let me get you something to nibble on." The rather smutty double entendre could not but make itself clear to Harriet, accompanied as it was by a heavy wink. He turned to the bar running along the garden wall, hunting for some nuts. While his eyes were busy elsewhere, Hat removed a small vile tucked into her bra and tipped its contents into the Governor's wine. It frothed briefly and dissolved. The Governor returned to the table carrying a bowl full of fruit and nuts. He raised his eyebrows, encouraging her to continue.

Harriet went on: "Well, there weren't much going on at home and few men of any kind - our planet fought big for the Independents, so I thought I'd get me gone, travel, you know, see the sights, maybes find a husband..." she paused and raised her glass in a toast: "To the findin' of husbands!" she smiled archly. The Governor laughed and clinked her glass before draining the contents of his. Hat watched him carefully. She burbled on about this and that for the next several minutes while Governor Wilkes became less and less attentive and less and less coherent. Finally he slumped into a chair and rested his head on the table. A few seconds more and he was snoring, whilst Hat jumped up and down, waiving in an effort to attract Simon's attention.

Simon came galloping back across the garden. "All according to the plan?" he asked. Hat nodded. "Well, we best get him inside where he's less likely to be found for a while." said Simon. Between them they carried him into the villa and found a small parlour furnished with couches. Laying the Governor down none too gently on one of them, Simon fumbled in his pocket and fished out a large hypodermic. "Right, let's send him well and truly into the Black," he smiled at Hat.

***

Zoë moved silently along the line of the fence in the dusk. One guard was already lying behind a bush, knowing nothing of what had hit him and in line for a serious headache at some distant future point. The other was not yet in sight.

"Gorram it, Zoë," Jayne's voice floated through the dusk impatiently, "I ain't so good with this stealth thing, can't we just get on with it? Wa's the hold up?"

"*Tyen shiao-duh*[41]! Shuddup and have a bit of gorram patience!" Mal's whisper was tetchy in the extreme.

The other guard could now be seen through the murk approaching the area of scrub in which they were crouched, calling out for his colleague. Zoë waited until he had passed the bush behind which she was crouching and was facing away from her, staring into the encroaching night. Then there was a moment of extreme yet silent violence and the second guard sank gently to the ground.

"Well, now," Mal stood up from behind a bush, "my thanks, Zoë. Wash, Kaylee, get over to that substation and do your computer wizardry, would ya?"

Wash, Jayne and Kaylee were already heading over to the small wooden hut attached at right angles to the fence. There was the sound of a door being kicked in and all three disappeared inside.

***

"How ya doin?" Mal leaned into the door of the hut, he was twitchy and half listening for sounds of disturbance. "I'd say we ain't got long before someone else comes lookin' for them guards."

"*Da-shiong bao tse shr la doo tze*[42]! We're doin' our best!" Wash's voice was strained. Kayleee seemed to have disappeared entirely under a piece of machinery. Her muffled grunting could be heard.

There was a soft cry and Kaylee's head appeared nodding at Wash, who breathed a very visible sigh of relief and turned to Mal. "All done, Cap," he said, "away you go with the rescuin'." He made a 'get gone' motion with his hands. Mal, Jayne and Zoë, who didn't need to be told twice, disappeared out the door, Jayne clutching a large pair of wire cutters.

***

Night had come on quickly, as Wash and Kaylee did their thing. Zoë and Mal were now helping the large group of slaves through a man-sized hole in the wire fence, while Jayne kept look out. They scrambled through uncertainly to where Hat and Simon, come from the villa, directed them softly towards Serenity. The caper was taking place in near silence, with just the shuffling and scuffling of shoes and the sound of an occasional child.

The hush was unexpectedly broken by the sound of a gun being cocked. Bull Dog, the Governor's prod, stepped from the shadows. "What the ruttin' hell is going on?"

Several things happened very fast. Jayne aimed his gun, swore and dropped it to the ground, blood running from his hand. Bull Dog turned to take another shot, this time at Mal. Mal, turning round at the noise, felt a tug at his waist and a second shot rang out, felling Bull Dog, bleeding from a hole in his chest. Within seconds several slave men left on the inside of the fence, not to mention some of the women, were on the prostrate Bull Dog, beating him with their fists, hands and stones. It was an ugly, gory sight.

Mal turned to the teenage slave boy standing next to him, holding his smoking gun. "I'll take that, thanks." The boy shrugged mutely, then grinned a satisfied little smile and climbed through the hole in the fence. "Jayne, you ok?"

"*Wuo duh ma*[43]! Been shot in the gorram hand, Mal, thanks for askin'."

Mal looked at the bloody mess of slaves and what had once been a man. He stepped forward and with Zoë's help began to prize them from the body. "Look," his voice was firm. "I know you got yer grievances, but justice has well and truly been served here. The man's more'n dead! Now we need to get yer all through that fence 'fore the system goes back on line, so I suggest you all get movin'!" He gestured to the fence. "Ladies and gentlemen, after you."

Simon scrambled through the fence clutching his red doctor's bag. He looked at what remained of Bull Dog, looking slightly sick. "Not much I can do for him." His face was still grave as he studied Jayne's hand. "Best get you back to Serenity, where I can see what I'm doing before we try and piece this together again!"

***

The ex-slaves, soon to be Tolmec's new settlers, were packed safe into the hold of Serenity, Wash and Kaylee had finished removing the collars form each child and Wash had set an overnight course for Tolmec.

The usual mix of crew was gathered in the infirmary, watching Simon repair Jayne's smashed right hand. "Ow, gorram it! That ruttin' well hurt! You *hoe-tze duh pee-goo*[44]!"

"Oh stop being such a baby!" Simon was tough. "I've got to realign the bones. You do want to use your hand again, I take it?"

Jayne sniffed. "Least you could give me a little smoother!" He wined.

"Oh go on, Doc, give 'im something - put the rest of us poor folk out of our misery!" Zoë said dryly. Wash peered interestedly at the monitor. "What's that thing, Doc?" he pointed to what appeared to be some inside bit of Jayne's hand.

"Oi, d'you mind?" Jayne was peeved. "Feels a bit personal, you all gawpin' at my insides!"

Hat was watching from the corner looking a bit green, she looked over at Mal who was leaning against the door. "Feel like we've already seen enough of people's insides to last a very long time tonight!"

Kaylee sighed, shivered agreement, and hugged River to her. Mal nodded. "I ain't saying as that wasn't one o' the more creepifyin' things I seen and one I've no call to ever wish to see again! But I guess as they had reason to do what they did. Who knows what that man had done to 'em? You can't blame folks for takin' revenge after what they'd been put to!"

"I s'pose." Hat agreed. "Wouldn't like to be Governor Wilkes when he wakes up though. It's gonna be a mite eerie, what with him not rememberin' nothin' and nobody there to explain it 'cept two very confused security guards and the mangled remains of his right hand man!"

"Hmm," Mal nodded. "Which reminds me, Doc, just how much is the good Governor gonna recall?"

Simon looked up and grinned. "Well, let's see, I gave him an amount equivalent to the dose you'd need to persuade an elephant to forget it was one. I'd say he'll probably remember his name and what year it is, but not a lot else. He'll certainly never have heard of Serenity or any of its crew! And as for his slaves - he might remember he was once a property owner!"

Mal smiled. "Good work, Doc. Now, little Kaylee, let's give some thought to that overdue and then some party of yours!"

***

Inara smiled over the tea things back in her beloved shuttle as Hat handed over what she termed "the seduction dress".

"You know you don't have to keep thanking me, Harriet. I think you should borrow it for the party too. Don't you, Kaylee?"

Kaylee was curled on Inara's bed, brushing River's long dark hair. "Absolutely! You looked real shiny in it, Hat!" she sighed pensively. "Maybe one of the towns folk'll see you in it - offer to take you away from the non-stop drudgery of bein' ship's cook!"

Hat grinned a little wistfully. "Oh, Kaylee, dunno as how I'd like that! I mean it's nice to dress up and play act 'ccasionally, but it's nice to come home to normality too! It'd have to be someone pretty damn special'd convince me to leave Serenity! But, who knows, maybe my ideal man is out there right now, putting up one a the trestles in the cargo bay!"

Inara raised a delicate eyebrow. "I think he very well may be!" she stated ironically. Hat looked at her with a confused "huh?" and Kaylee and River sniggered.

"Not that it wasn't real nice to be treated like a woman 'stead of a cook for once in my gorram life though," sighed Hat.

"Well then," said Inara, "you should wear that dress tonight, I won't take no for an answer. It'll give you a chance to be a woman for just a little bit longer."

"Shiny!" said Hat. "I will! But right now I've got to go start on the nibbles an' party food! See you'all later!"

As Hat headed down the catwalk, River opened her mouth to speak, but Inara held one finger to her lips. Once she was sure that Hat was out of hearing distance she turned to River and Kaylee. "Well, girls, I think this might just work, don't you?"

***

Book looked quizzically at Simon. "Well, Doctor, do I pass the test? Can I go or do you have to watch me some more?"

Simon turned from the infirmary counter and looked at the older man. "Well, you seem lucid enough, but I'd like to keep you under observation for a day or two. That's quite a crack you've got on your skull, about 6 stitches. I think I'd like it if you stayed here in the infirmary over night. I'm sorry, you'll miss the party, but we'll make sure we each spend some time visiting and bring you some food."

The Shepherd sighed. "To tell you the truth, I'm not one for parties as a general rule. Prefer a quieter time. I'll just rest here and read then. Just so long as I get some of that party food Harriet's been cooking up all day!"

Simon smiled at him. "I'll make sure of it," he said.

***

"Gorramit Jayne, you peck at one more thing an' I'll break yer hand again!" Hat snapped. Dusk was falling around Serenity, parked in a large cornfield on the edge of town. The townsfolk, new settlers and the crew of Serenity not otherwise gainfully employed, had set up trestle tables around the open mouth of the cargo bay and fires had been lit, glowing in the dusk like so many pieces of amber. A flat space directly in front of the doors had been cleared to make a roomy dance floor.

Kaylee sighed. "It all looks so darn pretty, doesn't it Hat? Like a golden necklace!"

Harriet nodded and smiled at the younger girl. "It's shiny right enough. Happy Birthday finally, Kaylee!"

"Yes," said Simon coming up behind them and reaching, slightly awkwardly for Kaylee's hand. "A very happy birthday, Kaylee!" He smiled into her eyes, which faithfully smiled back.

"Love's young dream," said Mal sarcastically, strolling up with Wash and Zoë in tow.

"Oh come on, Mal!" said Wash, "surely you remember what it's like to feel like you're the only two people in the 'verse and the sunset was made just for you?"

"Can't say as I rightly do," said Mal, quirking his mouth in a strange smile, whilst Hat hit Wash on the arm gently. "You old romantic, you!" she smiled.

"That's my husband," said Zoë, proudly, "big with the romance, small on the practicalities!" She smiled at him fondly, a smile which turned into a fair bit of canoodling.

"Well," said Jayne, looking enthusiastic, his hand wrapped up in an outsized white bandage, "now that Kaylee's here, the festivities can begin, right? "

"Indeed they can." Agreed Mal.

"About ruttin' time," said Jayne. "Hat, how's about a dance?"

***

The sun had set and the night outside the cargo bay, save where the fires burned and shone, was very dark. Mal strolled up to Inara who was leaning against the wall of the cargo bay watching the dancers and the rest of the party swing. He smiled.

"Having a good time?"

She returned his smile. "Yes thank you, this party is most amusing. I enjoy people watching!"

"Not dancing?"

"This isn't really my kind of dancing," she laughed. "How could I compete?"

"Well, no I concede that. I ain't one for any kinda dancing my own self!"

Mal laughed as his eyes turned to the dance floor thronged with ex-slaves and townsfolk dancing to a jaunty settler tune. All but Kaylee and the Doctor who, somewhat incongruously, were managing to slow dance in the face of the decidedly up-tempo music. Involuntarily, among the throng he picked out Harriet who, having been lifted up bodily by Jayne, was being swung round and round. Her face was flushed and she was laughing, whilst simultaneously slapping Jayne every time his hand strayed towards her bottom. Inara followed his eyes.

"Seem to be having a good time," she nodded towards the couple.

"Hum," said Mal, "seems so. Though Jayne could take it down a notch or two if he's wantin' to keep that hand. Why do'you deck 'er out in all that frippery any how, looks all manner of bizarre!"

Inara chuckled. "No Mal, It doesn't! She looks lovely, she just looks different, that's all. I didn't realise it would discombobulate you so much!"

"Ain't no discombobulating goin' on!" Mal glared. "Whatever the hell that means! It just somehow don't fit, is all. Leads men to make the wrong impression, look at Jayne - takin' all kinds a liberties he wouldn't normal!"

"They're just having fun, Mal." Inara looked at him sideways, took a deep breath and decided to take the bull by the horns. As though changing the subject, despite the fact that Mal's eyes still rested on the frantic antics of Hat and Jayne, she said, "tell me, Mal, have you ever heard the ancient Chinese proverb about the three blind men and the elephant in the middle of the room?"

Mal turned to look at her incredulously. "Ok, so you've finally gone off your nut? I knew it would happen some day, space dementia and all!"

Inara smiled serenely and continued: "One of the blind men felt the elephant's trunk and declared it was a snake, the next man felt the elephant's tail and said it was a rope and the third man felt one of the elephant's scaly legs and said it was a tree trunk."

"Nope," Mal shook his head in mock confusion. "I got no notion where yer going with this, 'Nara, but trust me, that don't mean the ride ain't fun!"

"My point is," said Inara pointedly, "that, despite there being a whopping elephant in the middle of the room, not one of them knew it. It was just too big. They were all sensing the parts and ignoring the whole..."

Mal raised an eyebrow inquisitively and smirked encouragement at her. This was the tricky part. Inara swallowed and continued. At least his gaze had moved back inexorably to Hat and Jayne.

"Some folks might look at you and her," no need to say Harriet's name, "and see you argue. Might think you hate each other..."

"Well, tell you truly, s'not often we find ourselves in a hundred percent agreement." Said Mal. He was now eyeing Inara cautiously, wondering where the conversation was going. "Where you headed with this, Nara?"

"All I'm saying is, those folks, they wouldn't be seeing the bigger picture. You say you don't dance, but you two have been dancing around each other like crazy for nigh on a year now. It ought to stop."

"Ain't gonna," growled Mal. "'Sides shipboard romances complicate things, you know that!"

"So they do," agreed Inara, "but sometimes we're so intent on trying to avoid something it gets more complicated still. At this point, seems to me it would be a lot less complicated if you two would just admit a few home truths."

Mal humphed. "You keep saying "we", but seems to me this is one of your little lectures aimed solely at me!"

"And so it is." agreed Inara complacently. "Look, you say shipboard relationships complicate things, but you can't pretend that you and Hat don't have a relationship right now! You already make each other miserable! Look at you, all eaten up over her dancing with Jayne!" Mal's yelping protest of "that so ain't true!" was overridden by her continuing, "so my advice is: why not get it out in the open? Bed her and then make each other miserable," she siad practically. "At least you'll be getting some pleasure out of the deal!"

Mal turned to her, eyes wide, scandalised and unable to do anything more than move his mouth in a pretty passable fish impression. He took a deep breath, preparatory to speaking, when at that moment, Zoë, wandering by and looking for Wash with an idea of a make-out session, slapped him hard on the back, saying "everything OK, Sir?" and causing him to turn his speech into a cough.

Inara smiled sweetly at Zoë. "Everything's fine, Zoë. I was just telling our Captain here that it's high time he stopped pussy-footing around and bedded our cook." She nodded towards Hat who was now dancing somewhat more carefully with Goldy. Mal's scandalised _expression deepened and he began spluttering helplessly.

"Hell, yes!" agreed Zoë chummily. "It's time and a half since you shoulda got on with it, Sir. Plus it'll make my job a lot easier and you a lot less crotchety if ya just seize the moment!"

Inara laughed and Mal, who'd regained his voice somewhat said, "that's it, Zo, I know you been with me a long time, but I'm putting you and that husband of yours off at the next port, make no mistake! This is open defiance, no wait a minute, we're on a ship! Mutiny is what it is - I'm having you keel-hauled!!"

"Course you are, Sir," said Zoë indulgently patting him gently on the shoulder and wandered off to find her husband.

Inara just raised an elegant eyebrow at Mal who sighed; decided he was outmanoeuvred and sloped off to find a drink.

***

Much later, Harriet wandered around the cargo bay, strewn with the debris of the party and the few fights that had developed (all in fun, of course), picking up the torn streamers and collecting together the empty bottles. She sighed. Inara's dress had received a tear to one sleeve, which she'd have to sew up, but on the whole, she reflected the party itself had been quite enjoyable. So, there were a few minor disturbances, but that was to be expected on Serenity, the "things not smooth" ship.

She turned to see the Captain stroll in from the direction of the infirmary where he'd been checking Jayne and Book's progress. The wound on Jayne's hand had opened again due to his wild dancing and he'd covered a chair and a rather indignant young lady ex-slave in blood before being persuaded to let Simon take a look.

"Tydin' up?"

"Um, no. " Hat responded somewhat sarcastically. "Thought I'd just wander round the bay picking things up and putting them in piles for no reason."

"Oh, ok, so stupid question? ... Your dress is torn." He reached out to touch the short sleeve of the silk dress. Harriet flinched away.

"S'not mine, s'Inara's. Looks like I'm gonna have some substantial grovelling to do after I've sewn it up."

"See, that's why you shouldn't wear dresses, awful impractical! You should stick to overalls, then you could muck in with a good shindig, no questions asked!"

"Oh I get it," sighed Harriet. "To tell you the truth, I was kinda wondering why you never complimented me on my outfit. It's 'cos you don't think I can do my job properly while wearing it, ain't it? Might 've known you'd be worried about work!"

"Hey, come on now, been a long day, you know full well that ain't what I meant... Is jus' dunno as how that look is really you, is all."

"Right. Well, ok, thanks for letting me know. Tweaked though! Everyone else seemed to like it. Simon told me I looked "lovely" and even Jayne said as how, now let me see... What was it?" She pretended to consider. "Oh yes, as how I was the sexiest thing on Serenity!"

"Oh well, if Jayne gave you a compliment, how flattering! No reason to think his judgement's blurry! This is the man whose criteria for an attractive woman pretty much stops at a pulse!"

Silence rang through the cargo bay like the note of a bell as Mal and Harriet squared off and Mal realised, quite suddenly, he'd gone too far. Of course she looked good in that dress! Who wouldn't with a figure like her's? God, did he just think that? All this was a mite too unsettling. He didn't think of Harriet that way, did he? Confound it! Too late to take anything back now anyhow, Harriet had started to yell.

"*Chur ni-duh*[45]! Well, at least, Malcolm Reynolds, I know what you think of me! I just wanted one gorram night where I looked like a woman instead of a grubby cook, but you just can't wait for me to get back up to the galley and back into my appointed role, can you? It upsets all your ideas of what's right to have me do something other than what you pay me for, don't it? Well, right now I ain't doin' a thing! You can ruttin' well clear up your own gorram self!" she thrust a dirty plate into his hands; "I'm going to bed."

"Hat, I didn't..."

"Save it, Mal, why don't you go see if Inara is up for a night cap? Maybe you could finish your earlier conflab!" she growled and then cursed herself for showing how hurt she'd been.

"*Wuh de tyen*[46]! Oh ho!" Mal's eye's glinted. "Is that what this is about? You're a little bit upset at how long Inara and I spent jabbering this evening, are ya?"

Nothing was calculated to infuriate Harriet more.

"Not at all," she said, her teeth bared. "I frankly pity Inara having to listen to your perpetual drivel. But I am MAD that I never seem to get given even the smallest bit o' gorram time OFF!"

Mal swore gently as Harriet marched away and then turned to the party remains. Taking up a three quarters full bottle of malt and a cleanish tumbler he headed for the table. Settling himself into a chair and flinging his feet on the table in a lonely act of defiance, he swore "women!" and poured himself a shot.

***

Swinging into the cargo bay a while later, Zoë and Wash were greeted by the sight of the soles of Mal's boots and then by the belligerent form of the Captain himself.

"You ok, Cap?" asked Zoë anxiously.

"Tol' you the party weren't gonna go so well, din'I? But noooo," he shook his head frantically, "no one listens to me, I'm jus' the Captain after all!" His bitterness was palpable.

"Yes. Yes you are, Sir," said Zoë. "An excellent Captain, if I may say so, and hardly in need of further alcohol... If I may, sir..." She reached for the bottle and wrinkled her brow in confusion at her husband. Just what had got Mal upset enough to drink himself into a coma? Wash just shrugged perplexedly at her and poured himself a stiff one. Zoë sat down and, with an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" air, reached for a glass.

"Zoë?" said Mal, waiving his glass in a defiant manner, "care to enlighten me as to the whys involved with how come we EVER allowed women on this ship and who's tom fool idea it was?"

"Sir, I think you might be missing the fact that I am myself of the feminine persuasion," pointed out Zoë.

"Oh yeah, sorry Zo, didn't mean you, you're more like a man-woman thingy..."

"Well thank you, Sir!" Said Zoë icily.

"Whoa, hold on there, Mal," interjected Wash. "I'm here to tell you my wife is very womanly on occasion, very feminine indeed, plus she does have that female trait of getting fair upset when someone accuses her of bein' a man, right hon?"

"Right husband!" agreed Zoë, smiling softly at Wash.

"What happened, Mal?" said Wash gently. "I'm guessing as it's Harriet."

Zoë raised an eyebrow at him. "How you figure that, husband?"

Mal's chin had slumped onto his chest and he seemed to be contemplating some deep truth - or at least his eyes had gone somewhat fixed and dilated.

"Just seen her on the bridge," said Wash. "She was saying as how she thinks she needs to move on and was wondering where our next good stop might be. I figured the Captain here had finally pissed her off once too often!"

"And there it is." Said Zoë quietly, just as the Captain's head flicked up and, his eyes focusing on Wash, his hands reached out to clutch the smaller man by the lapels of his florid shirt. "She's leaving?" he said, disbelief and anger, sorrow and spite mixed in his words with equal measure.

***

Harriet waited until she got to her bunk to start crying and then she told herself it was just that she was so tired. She would miss Serenity, but surely missing everyone was better than eating her heart out over some ridiculous man as wasn't worth it anyhow.

She threw off her clothes, cursing Malcolm Reynolds and all his works and then picked up the silk dress and hung it carefully in the corner of the room. Just because she was distraught, was no reason to ruin Inara's dress. She washed her face and slid between the cool sheets of her bed. She lay a wake for a while contemplating how best to poison Mal without the others finding out, but eventually, worn out with bile, she fell asleep.

She awoke some considerable time later, not knowing why, but only that something had disturbed her and that it was still night. She sat up and switched on the lamp by her bed. Next thing she knew she was having a heart attack. When the thumping in her ears had calmed down, she was able to see that the shape, looming from the shadows and swaying a tad, was a drunken Malcolm Reynolds.

"Mal, what the *guay*[47].?"

"What gives you the gorram right to just up an' leave? You don't even consult anyone? You just make the decision and that's that??" He was clearly pretty angry.

"Mal, 'hello'," said Harriet, angry in her turn "it's," she checked the clock, "3 a.m. and: naked here!" she indicated with a wave of her hand that she was indeed sitting up in bed stark naked.

Mal gulped "*Ta ma duh*[48]! Er, sorry!" he swung round in an attempt to put his back to her, but, being slightly the worse for wear, swung round a full 360 degrees and finished where he'd started, staring agape at her breasts.

Harriet glared with exasperation. "Oh, just pass me that T-shirt, will you?"

She gestured to the table and Mal turned to find an outsized T-shirt thrown on its corner, one which he in fact recognised. "Hey," he began, "this is my gorram..."

"Is now really the time?" asked Hat snippily, "just give it here!" she snatched it from his outstretched hand and threw it on. Then she sat on the edge of her bed and looked him in the eye, "now, you were saying?"

Mal, the wind completely taken out of his sails gulped. "Well, I was just talkin' to Wash and he mentioned as how you were thinkin' on leaving and I just thought..." he trailed off.

"Let me help you out! You thought, 'oh, no! What the hell will I do without a cook?' I know!" sighed Hat. "And you thought, 'it's 3 in the morning and I didn't upset Hat enough earlier. I think I'll mosey on down to her bunk and shout at her some more'!"

"I upset you?" asked Mal, looking like he'd caught Hat out. "Thought you were jus' mad!"

Harriet sighed heartily and stood up to face the Captain. "Look, Mal, it's, as previously mentioned, 3 in the morning and I ain't got the enthusiasm to argue no more. How's about you go on to bed and we'll take this up again in the mornin'? Oh then, rest assured, I'll parry and debate, I might even have a few witticisms up my sleeve, but today so far, Jayne's been shot, the preacher's had his head stove in with a chair, we've had what some might go so far as to term a rumpus, we've had a party and to crown it all we've had a stinkin' row and now I'd like, no, wait, I NEED to sleep!"

"No you wait," said Mal, he gently took her hands and motioned her to sit down. Then he sat beside her and let out a long sigh. He didn't let go of her hand but he couldn't seem to look at her either.

"Harriet, *ee-chee shung-hoo-shee*[49]! You wanna know what I was talking to 'Nara about for so long?"

"No!" said Harriet petulantly.

"You." Said Mal gently. "She reckons as how sometimes things get more complicated the more you try to straighten them out. Like, the more you try an' avoid some *niou-se*[50], the more likely you are to step in some. She says as how sometimes complications are the way to go and I reckon I agree with her... Harriet, I'm tired of making out like I don't..."

"Mal!" Hat had to stop him. She hadn't been this embarrassed in an awful long time. She could see where this midnight conversation was going and Hat wasn't a woman to accept any man's pity. "Stop, please! I'm not askin' for..."

"Harriet, this is stupid, this whole thing! The dancing around it, like an elephant in the cargo bay, the sniping and the watching each other when we think the other one ain't lookin'. It's all too gorram complicated. I think we need to do this instead." He leaned around her and kissed her very gently on the lips. Harriet kissed him back, she couldn't help it and the frustration of months exploded between them. The kiss depended. Harriet somehow didn't feel all that embarrassed about having an itch for the Captain anymore.

She finally broke the contact and smiled at him winsomely and slightly cheekily. "So what yer actually sayin' is, I did look good in that dress!" she gestured to where it was hanging.

"Disturbingly so," grinned Mal. Then, as he looked at her his eyes turned dark and serious once more and he kissed her with decided passion.

***

Later Harriet said into the darkness, from her position wound around Mal's chest, "so, let me get this straight, you compared our love to *niou-se*[51]?"

She heard the rumble of Mal's laughter as it reverberated through his chest.

"Who said anythin' about love, *bao bay*[52]?" he asked. Harriet sniggered as he rolled her over.

***

Much, much later as Harriet drifted off into a very contented sleep, she heard Mal say accusingly, "you were wearing my gorram T-shirt! I love that shirt!"

"I wanted something of you is all," shrugged Harriet in explanation and was rewarded with the snake of his arms as he drew her to him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [12] Mother of God!

[13] Name of all that's sacred!

[14] hell

[15] Baboon's ass-crack!

[16] Shut up!

[17] Oh God, no!

[18] Understand?

[19] Mother of Jesus!

[20] Whores in hell!

[21] Name of all that's sacred!

[22] dog cr*p

[23] hell

[24] Dear God in heaven!

[25] cow poop

[26] goddamn monsters

[27] Understand?

[28] Mother of Jesus!

[29] Name of all that's sacred!

[30] dangly piece of flesh

[31] Whores in hell!

[32] Understand?

[33] brutal assassin

[34] monkey raping

[35] F*ck me!

[36] cr*p

[37] Affirmative!

[38] Everybody shut the hell up!

[39] Cr*p!

[40] garbage

[41] Name of all that's sacred!

[42] Explosive diarrhoea of an elephant!

[43] Mother of Jesus!

[44] monkey's butt

[45] Screw you!

[46] Dear God in heaven!

[47] hell

[48] F*ck me blind!

[49] let's take a deep breath

[50] cow dung

[51] cow poop

[52] sweetheart