"You wanted to talk to us, Cap'n?" Kaylee asked brightly as Mal entered the common area. She was perched on Simon's lap on the couch, her arms loosely around his neck.

"There something wrong with the other chairs?" Mal asked. "Get off his lap."

Simon blushed and Kaylee giggled, wiggling around. "Not such a good idea right now."

Mal groaned. "Oh God, I can't know these things!" Kaylee just laughed harder.

"It's not that funny." Simon said, mildly annoyed. "Women have it easy. Imagine if your hair stood on end every time you got...aroused."

That, Mal thought, was a pretty good point. And clearly Kaylee did too, since she stopped laughing. "I'd have to cut it off."

"Yes, and that's not really an option for me." Simon pointed out, chuckling.

"I don't know, Doc, she might be onto something there."

"Oh, hush, Cap'n Meanie." Kaylee pouted. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Well, just that." Mal said, sitting down in a chair across from them. This wasn't going to be an entirely comfortable conversation, so he was just going to get right to the point. "You two got beds. And they ain't just for sleepin' in. Or for building a little pillow fort in, although I know that can be fun every now and then. The point is, I've had about enough of you two...defiling my ship. What you do in your own rooms on your own time is your business, but I ain't payin' you to fornicate, and I'd take it as a kindness if you'd keep it behind closed doors."

Simon and Kaylee regarded him calmly for a moment, unphased. "Do you have any proof that we've been 'defiling' your ship?" Simon asked.

Mal held up a pair of pristine white boxer shorts by the edge of the waistband and watched the young couple turn a similar shade of white. "Found these in the cargo bay. And don't try tellin' me they ain't yours, because your name is stitched into the back here, which...well, that's a whole 'nother discussion. And that's another thing that's troubling me, these shorts, the bra in the engine a few weeks back...is all that sex makin' you two light in the brainpan? You don't even remember you went into a place with your underthings on?"

"Okay, Mal." Simon conceded. "I see what you're saying and...you're right."

"He is?" Kaylee asked.

"I am?" Mal hadn't thought it would be that easy.

"Yes, you are." Simon stood up from the couch, pulling Kaylee with him. "So, from now on, when Kaylee and I 'fornicate,' we will take extra care to gather all of our undergarments."

"Well, good. Shiny." Mal said with a smile as the pair headed down the corridor to the passenger dorms. Then he realized what Simon had said and jumped up from the couch. "Hey, wait, no! That is not what I meant! I..." They were long gone. "Wo de ma, why do I bother?"