Rating: PG-13 Characters: Jayne and Inara, brief Mal Disclaimer: Capn' Tightpants and his crew belong to the great and powerful Joss. Word count: 1308

“What are you doing in here? Don’t…just stop. Don’t touch anything. Why are you here, again?”

Truth be told, he was looking for a bandage. Had a gorram accident cleaning his knife. Doc came in just as he opened a drawer with a bunch of ‘feel goods’ in it. He looked him square in the eye as he shut the drawer, ready with a darn good comeback when River came in all flowy and stuff sayin somethin about the statue is still and the flowers are blooming again. Boy, would he like to know what meds she was on…

“Later Doc.”

He left the infirmary and headed back to the kitchen where his most favored, well, his only possessions were laid out on the table. It was late and everyone had just about headed to their bunks. Jayne sat at the table and got back to polishing his knife and Vera. After Simon had left the infirmary, he went to his new home, Kaylee’s bunk. Those two were at it constantly; it made him angry. How’s a pompous ass like the doc gettin more tasty than him? He’d been on this ship close to a year now and had only gotten a few whores here and there planetside. Zoë had the pilot, River was just a kid and Shepherd didn’t even have sex, as ridiculous as it sounded. Mal…well, the man worried too much to even think about it. Serenity was his woman. And Inara, well… she was a whore. She got more ‘n enough. It wasn’t fair, plain and simple.

He was mumbling to himself so intently that he barely heard Inara come into the kitchen. She was wearing one of her signature lounging gowns made of gold and maroon fabric. It clung to her figure, outlining every curve. A dark shawl with gold fringe hung around her shoulders and dark curls were loose about her face with blushing red lips. The man had to take notice.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just here for some tea.”

“Whatever. Hey, ‘nara…why ain’t ya gonna tell me none of them funny sexy whorin’ stories?”

“Because you don’t deserve them.”

Jayne mumbled a string of curses under his breath as he turned his attention back to his weapons. Didn’t need to hear no gorram stories, no way.

As Inara boiled the water, she watched him, muscles bulging as he worked the knife over a piece of leather, sharpening it. Jayne was good man. Crude, but good. Anytime she needed help moving things in her shuttle he dutifully came to her aid, even though mostly it was after some yellin’ on Mal’s part. She saw in him a raw passion, untainted by dull society or uptight schooling. Jayne gave everything he did, even bullying Simon, all of his energy and attention. One could never accuse him of being uncommitted. Especially when it came to his job. On more than one occasion he had saved both Zoë and Mal from an untimely end. He was kind of like a superhero, of Earth-that-was. One that was no brain and all brawn. She smiled softly to herself; she’ll give him just a little taste and have some fun as well.

“Alright, I suppose telling one wouldn’t hurt. But it’s more sexy than funny. Is that ok?”

“Yeah! This is gonna be good!”

Inara shut the water off and began her tale.

“I was on Osiris a few years back when I chose to make an appointment with a successful doctor. Bright young man in all fields of science, but he was seriously lacking in the charm department. He was kind and gentle, but couldn’t find the courage to really engage a woman.”

“Engage? He wanted to marry ya?”

“No, I mean, he didn’t know how to properly satisfy a woman...”

As she was explaining this, Inara had slowly slid the shawl from her shoulders, setting it on a chair. She adjusted the straps of her gown, allowing her fingers time to linger at each one. Jayne quickly forgot his question, as he was mesmerized by her skin. It glowed under the lights in the mess hall. And that cleavage…

“So, the evening we met, I decided to let him take control and give him some practice in pleasing a woman. He came to me, unsure of how to act and what to do. At first he was rough with me, grabbing my body close to him and fondling me everywhere. I stopped him and began to guide his hands over my body…” In a breathy voice, Inara continued the story as she wrapped her arms sensuously around herself and slowly began to massage her shoulders, arms, and caressed her neck. She accented her breathing as she touched herself, making sure her hands loitered at her breasts and hips. Inara moved closer to Jayne, staring intently into his eyes. He sat there in disbelief as she got nearer to him. This was too gorram good to be true.

“His lips touched me in the most intimate places, mmmm, warm and soft. After a few minutes of direction, the doctor seemed to relax and enjoy wanting to pleasure me. He made me feel like a woman yearns to feel…” Her lips parted and she puckered slightly, eyes narrowing in on her target. Jayne had pushed his chair back from the table, never once taking his eyes off of the seductress before him. The look on his face was similar to a deer at night caught in the mule lights.

“The young doctor, so nervous, could barely get my clothes off he was shaking so badly. I had to slide the straps of my dress down my shoulders like this…” Taking one sleeve, she pushed down her arm, just far enough to show a little more of her breasts. Inara was finally standing right over Jayne and eased herself into his lap.

Jayne thought he was havin’ that dream again. Like if he breathed too hard she would disappear and he would wake up, stiff as a log and ornery. He could smell her perfume; he wanted to lick her. His hands were glued to his side, unsure of what to do. He wanted her so bad he could taste her. He was desperate. He had heard Mal say that she wasn’t supposed to service the crew. Gorramit, here she was in his lap and he couldn’t do a damn thing! Wait a minute, since when did he listen to Mal? His loins were beginning to warm underneath her ass, and what an ass it was! He knew he shouldn’t, but he was never good as resisting temptation.

Inara ran her fingers through his hair, twirling the ends in her fingers. She had him right where she wanted him.

“And do you know what happened after I was in his lap, just like this, ready for him to take me?” She cooed into his ear.

As Jayne was about to give quite a vulgar answer, Inara leapt up and fixed her dress in one quick motion.

“He woke up and realized it was all a dream. Well, *yawns* I’m awfully tired. See you in the morning.” She cheerfully grinned as she left Jayne in the kitchen, with enough pent up aggression to slay pack of wolves.

Mal walked into the kitchen as Inara fluttered out.

“Hey, Jayne! This here table’s for eatin, not for your weaponry. Get this mess cleaned up, dong ma? You hearin me? ”

Jayne was in a state of shock. His eyes were glazed over, mouth ajar; he was paralyzed with want…with need.,.

He sprung up from the table, completely ignoring Mal, grabbed the bottle of gun lubricant and stormed off to his bunk.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mal shook his head and vowed to get himself a new Public Relations representative.