The Goldwater Caper Part 1: The Nightlight Menace By ShadyBeing

These characters and their verse are all property of mastermind Joss Whedon.

This is my first fanfic. Tell me what you think.

It was the night before Mard on Goldwater moon, a day of dancin’, drinkin’ and most importantly good honest smugglin’ done whils’ the law was on a bender.

The corridors of Serenity were quiet, and all through the ship no one was stirring; except a 90-pound menace with a newly procured glowing toy.

River marveled at her glow stick, she sat in the dark basking in its warm blue light. First she decided to feel the warm, and stifled her own howl of pain as it burned. She scolded herself “Don’t be so loud, it wakes the bears”. River sat and contemplated of other uses for toy, this time pointing the light at the floor. Much to her delight, a small opening appeared as she moved. With her new discovery, River instead put the light to a more practical use; to light her way while she danced toward the Jayne’s room in the dark. -------------------------------------------------

Mal awoke to the sound of hurried footsteps, coming from above. By reflex his arm jolted strait to his holster, where his gun would be. His fingers pulled air, with no gun in hand. Was someone onboard Serenity? The thought troubled Mal; it was only a few weeks before that a bounty hunter had almost taken River…

“Gorram it!” Mal screamed, knocking over the flower pot that Kaylee had set next to his bed. He was gonna pay for that one, he thought quietly “Best hide this”. He quickly shoved the remains under his bed.

Mal had only reached the top of the stairs when he heard the most chilling sound imaginable, a high-pitched squeal echoing through the ship. Mal raced towards the cries, towards Jayne’s room. If River could open up Jayne with a knife, there was no amount of tellin’ as to what she could do with a gun. He decided to rouse the doc on his way; someone was gonna need fixin’.

Damn that girl was trouble; Mal was starting to have second thoughts about the whole “crazy girl runnin’ round his boat idea”. This was a problem he intended to talk with the Doc about; very soon.

Simon was less than enthusiastic about waking up, and in his half-sleepin’ stupor Mal thought he could almost pass as Border worlder material. Simon’s hair was ragged, his eyes were glazed over, and a mighty strong whiff of alcohol was reakin’ off him.

“Mrs Williams, I told you your son is a chicken take him to the veterinarian” Simon garbled to no one particular

No doubts about it, Mal mused; the Doc just couldn’t hold his drink. -------------------------------------------------

Simon’s head ached severely, to put it mildly. The after effects of his card game with Jayne and Kaylee were beginning to show. He blearily raised his face from the soup bowl and off the kitchen table.

“Yes captain?” Simon slurred, turning to Mal. “Game face on Doc, your sister’s got a gun” despite the seriousness of the situation, Mal couldn’t help but smirk as Simon snapped rigid, and head first over his chair.

Struggling to maintain some dignity, Simon stood up quickly, barely managing to maintain his balance. “I had more to drink than I thought”, Simon muttered under his breath. “Ever the lightweight”, he thought to himself; Jayne must find this amusing. For some reason his left side pocket felt lighter; he couldn’t place the reason why.

“What did you say about River, with a what!” Simon fumed. “She stole my gun while I was sleepin’. Doc ain’t you supposed to make sure this kind of thing you know; doesn’t happen” Mal crossed his arms.

“What do you mean she stole it in your sleep! You’re the big war hero; don’t you sleep with one eye open?” Simon franticly waved his arms to prove his point. “Didn’t you think to maybe lock the door? Or do you always sleep with a loaded gun?”

Mal was getting inpatient and red under the collar “Doc, this here is MY boat; for all I’m carin’, I can sleep with whatever I want! Now if it’s not too much trouble, fetch the damn med-kit to Jayne’s room, ASAP”. Simon was almost spewing with rage, but he knew this was a fight he would not win. Biting back his tongue, he stormed out to fetch the med-kit.

Mal moved to see what caused squealin’ enough to wake the dead. What he saw in Jayne’s room was a sight to chill bones and curdle milk.

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At the foot the bunk was the twisted form of Jayne, the man who carried more guns than a whole fed squad, and enough knives to give Reavers nightmares…

Cryin’

Mal hit his head on the wall; just in case. When the room stopped spinnin’, Jayne was still there, and he was still babblin’. “She cut her Mal, real bad. I tried to stop her but she had a gun an’, she Gorram killed her!” Jayne then broke into another bout of sobs and curses, a sight no man should ever see.

Mal scanned the room, without no sight of River. “What are you whinin’ about, River ain’t here; she can’t be dead!” Jayne looked at Mal in bewilderment, a glint of hope in his eyes.

What do you mean she ain’t dead? You can fix Vera?”

In his hands Jayne presented the remains of his favourite gun to Mal. Mal couldn’t stop himself, and cracked up laughing hysterically. Jayne glared at him and stood up, throwing Vera against the wall. “This ain’t funny Mal, Gorram it!” He seemed to be justifying this to himself as he stormed out of the room, because Mal just weren’t listenin’, cackling and hooting while Jayne raged his way to the kitchen.

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Simon intercepted Jayne on his way to the food. “Jayne are you hurt? Is River hurt? Where is she!” Simon asked panicked “Relax Doc, Moonbrain is fine; but Vera just, ain’t…” Jayne trailed off, unable to speak, or at least unable to articulate the words to use.

One quick examination of Jayne’s face, told Simon everything he could bear to know. “Have you been crying?” Simon stifled his urge to laugh, noticing the very large knife Jayne had draped by his hip.

“No! I ain’t cryin’, its just, just oil in my eyes. You know from…from cleanin’ my guns.” Simon was shocked by Jayne’s almost clever response. He couldn’t hold on any longer; he started laughing.

“Gorram son of a..” Jayne was reaching for his knife when he noticed strands of black hair hanging above Simon’s shoulder. That weren’t the worst part though, attached to that hair was the maniac grin of River Tam.

“Shouldn’t play with sharp things, hurt your hand when you catch them” River stuck out her tongue at Jayne. “Bears can’t climb, but monkeys can” She laughed, pulling back into the vents and leaving a stunned Jayne and surprised Simon in her wake.

Simon acted first. “River! Get down, before you hurt yourself. Simon frantically latched on to his sisters foot, trying to pull her down. “Simon stop, let go of my tail. SIMON LET GO!” River brought the torch around and touched his hand with the flame. Simon screamed in pain and fell to the floor, clasping his hand.

Jayne chose this time to act, leering over Simon “Told ya. Total moonbrain”

Simon just glared.

------------------------------------------------- Wash and Zoe were busy, taking some time off; when Wash noticed something strange at the foot of the bed. A detached and fascinated River, staring right at him with; her face covered with an insane look of curiosity.

“Ok…this is a little weird” Wash commented in shock. “What is…Arghh!” Zoe tumbled back when she spotted River, sitting on the floor cross-legged, watching her.

“Um, River what are you doing here honey?” Zoe asked awkwardly. “Shhh, River hushed, “The bears finished hibernating, monkeys need a tree to hide in”. “River, you really shouldn’t be here” Zoe was trying to keep her cool, but it was hard with a 17 year old girl with a gun sitting nearby. “Hush, you’ll wake the baby, she needs to sleep” River scolded.

Zoe lost it. “River! Get out of here, Now!” River started shaking, and her hands were trembling. Suddenly River raised the gun “Don’t yell at me! Leave me alone!” River screamed, pointing the gun at Zoe.

“River. I’m sorry; it’s ok. Just put the gun down” Zoe panicked, reaching for her own gun. It was then that River noticed what she was holding. She threw the gun away, as if it was hot. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry; It changed, I didn’t know.” River began to cry and fled from the room.

Wash scratched his head. “Was it something I said?”