Passing along the random funny... by chrisisall

TALK STORY

Passing along the random funny...

POSTED BY: CHRISISALL
UPDATED: Monday, May 1, 2006 09:41
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VIEWED: 2812
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Monday, April 24, 2006 5:24 AM

Raise you hand if "Ha ha".

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said, "A beer, please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" The doctor replied, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common, Doc?" The doctor answered, "Well, it's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you, "said Dolly. "It's true. No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I had to cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week.....and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it, too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Ahmal. The other went to a family in Spain that named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the photograph, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replied, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, but because of his Odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!!)......A super-calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally (yup....this is the end of the list), there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Thanks, Sera
Chrisisall

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Monday, April 24, 2006 6:19 AM

CITIZEN

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.

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Monday, April 24, 2006 6:28 AM

CITIZEN

Tommy Cooper style:
1. Two blondes walk into a building...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12.'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' “It's not unusual."

13.A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

18.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21.A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

22.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

I have a friend who seems to spend literally her entire life sending me this stuff in emails. I often have 5 or 6 forwarded to my inbox.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.

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Monday, April 24, 2006 6:35 AM

JADEHAND

Quote:
17.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Ok, that one did it.

Visit WWW.Marillion.Com for a better way to live
"Finding the answer It's a human obsession
But you might as well talk to the stones and the trees and the sea
'Cause nobody knows And so few can see
There's only beauty and caring and truth beyond darkness." -Estonia(This Strange Engine) -Marillion

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Monday, April 24, 2006 6:40 AM

AZHEA

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Should read: Two Reavers were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

*************************************************
I look out for me and mine... that don't include you 'less I conjure it does.

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Monday, April 24, 2006 7:15 AM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN

heres my joke :

A rooster saw a scrambled egg and said "there goes one mixed up kid"

One Day.
One Mission
One Army of Browncoats.

On June 23rd, We Aim To Misbehave.
www.SerenityJune23rd.com

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Monday, April 24, 2006 7:36 AM

DAVESHAYNE

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" The doctor replied, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common, Doc?" The doctor answered, "Well, it's Not Unusual."

I found these two laughworthy and I suspect this one might have gotten a laugh if I spoke a different dialect.

Quote:
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak, and heat it, too.

David

"Not completely as well as the series of Firefly..." - From a review of Serenity at amazon.de

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Monday, April 24, 2006 12:00 PM

SERYN

Are you kidding? I cracked at the 'if you've seen Juan...' one.

oh god, warnings guys! There goes the cup of tea again.

**********************************************************
Hodgins: Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
FozzieWash, You know what I always say: sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug!
KermieMal, I never Know what the heck you're talking about.
FozzieWash, Hey, look! They're sending us free lumber!
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt

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Monday, April 24, 2006 12:58 PM

CHRISISALL

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:

22.Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

Hey! I'm half Irish, and that part of me doesn't think this is funny!

But the English half is still wiping tears from it's eyes, lol!

Anglo Chrisisall

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Monday, April 24, 2006 1:06 PM

CITIZEN

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Hey! I'm half Irish, and that part of me doesn't think this is funny!

Only because your Irish side didn't understand it.

Now get back to work on that underwater hairdryer

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.

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Monday, April 24, 2006 1:18 PM

CHRISISALL

I draw your attention to the fact that your most recent world-famous well-loved MI-6 double-oh was in fact Irish.
So there, limey.

Did I just dis myself to get at someone

Chrisisall

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Monday, April 24, 2006 1:21 PM

CITIZEN

But he was reading lines written by an englishman.

Game.
Set.
Match.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
And as you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.

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Monday, April 24, 2006 1:24 PM

CHRISISALL

FEE FIE FOE FUM....

Chrisisall

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Monday, April 24, 2006 1:28 PM

SAINTANDEOL

Oh snap!

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Thursday, April 27, 2006 11:59 AM

TAYEATRA

I was told this one when I was younger and I must admit to being vaguely amused...

Q.What do apples and hatstands have in common?

A.Neither of them can drive tractors.

For the more traditional amongst you...

A man walks into a bar and immediately falls over... Why???

...The bar was iron.

*****
Taya
*****
Dark Angel, Firefly, Buffy, Angel, Enterprise, Farscape... anything else you'd like to cancel?

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Monday, May 1, 2006 8:50 AM

NEEDY

The road to Hel is paved with good intentions

Wow, there's some real groaners in there - all great though

Here's some (long winded) favourites of mine

President George Bush was at the airport the other week when he noticed an old man with white hair, a long white beard and a staff standing around.
Astonished, George walked up to him and asked "Excuse me, are you Moses?"

The man stood there silently, blatantly ignoring the president's question.

He repeated the question "Excuse me. Are you Moses?"

Still, the man refused to acknowledge the president's presence.

Annoyed with the man's lack of response, George walks back to his security men, and tells them of the man rudely ignoring him.

One of the security men then walks to the silent figure and demands an explanation.
"Yes I am Moses..." the man responds. "and I did hear the President's question. But the last time I spoke to a Bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness"

And if you think that was a groaner...

There were two prawns swimming in the ocean, best friends. One was named Justin, the other Christian

Life wasn't great though, they were constantly harassed by the sharks that swan close by.

Tired of being afraid for his life all the time, Justin sighed "I wish I was a Shark, no longer would I be prey to my enemies"
Just then, a mysterious Cod appeared and said "Your wish is my command." With that, Justin found himself miraculously transformed into a Shark.

Petrified that he would be eaten by his best friend, Christian immediately swam away.

Justin was contented with his new life though, for a few days at least. But then he began to feel lonely. Whenever he went and visited his old friends, they would flee, afraid they would be eaten.
Yes, soon Justin was very lonely.

"Oh, I wish I wasn't like this. I don't want to be a shark any more!"
"So be it" a voice called out as the powerful cod appeared, transforming Justin to his original form

Elated, Justin immediately swan back to his old home looking for his old friend.

"Christian?" he cried outside of his friend's house

"Go away. I don't want to be eaten!"

"No. It's okay" Justin replied. "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

oh and I might as well add a classic englishman,scotsman,irishman joke

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were driving through the desert when all of a sudden the car breaks down.
Unable to fix it they resolve to walk to the nearest town, taking only necessary provisions with them.
The Englishman takes some food. "If we get hungry, at least we'll have something to eat"
The Scotsman takes some water. "If we get thirsty, we'll have something to drink.
The Irishman takes the car door.
The other two look at him confused.
He explains "Well, if it gets too hot, I can wind the window down"

-----
Needy. Male Companion:
First Boy Whore of Destiny
Incredibly Confused Companion of SereniTree
-----
www.myspace.com/needsalt
http://needsalt.livejournal.com/

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Monday, May 1, 2006 9:20 AM

NEEDY

The road to Hel is paved with good intentions

some quickies:

A black horse walks into a pub.
The barkeeper says "Hey, our pub's named after you!"
The horse replies "What? Eric?"

A Horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

A blonde locked her keys in the car.
She had to break a window to get out.

-----
Needy. Male Companion:
First Boy Whore of Destiny
Incredibly Confused Companion of SereniTree
-----
www.myspace.com/needsalt
http://needsalt.livejournal.com/

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Monday, May 1, 2006 9:41 AM

TAYEATRA

A little girl is in the garden digging a large hole and sniffling. The lady next door peeps over the fence smiling.

"Whats wrong?" she asks.

"My goldfish died," the little girl, replies not turning around.

"That hole will be too big for your goldfish," the lady replies.

The little girl continues digging..."it's in your cat."

*****
Taya
*****
Dark Angel, Firefly, Buffy, Angel, Enterprise, Farscape... anything else you'd like to cancel?

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