Favourite Jokes by PonyXpressInc

TALK STORY

Favourite Jokes

POSTED BY: PONYXPRESSINC
UPDATED: Monday, July 24, 2006 10:31
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Friday, July 21, 2006 10:31 AM

It’s Friday Night and I ain’t going nowhere and I’m bored and I could do with a laugh so…

What’s your favourite joke?

Here’s mine, old I admit, you may well have heard it but here goes…

::::::::::::

One day the Angel of the Lord was taking a stroll through a heavenly ornamental garden, just contemplating divinity and all that when he noticed two statues.

One was male, one was female. They were placed opposite each other either side of a gravel path. They were Grecian in style, not much clothing just some gauzy draperies hiding the essentials. They were placed so that they were looking directly into each others eyes.

The Angel of the Lord looks from one to the other, gets a naughty grin on his face and clicks his fingers.

Both statues come to life, get off their plinths, look around them in wonder, look coyly at each other, and then look expectantly at the Angel of the Lord.

He says to them, “Here’s the deal. I have brought you to life for half an hour only, thirty minutes, that’s it. But in that thirty minutes you can do anything you like. I mean anything!”

The male statue looks at the female statue and waggles his eyebrows suggestively. The female statue giggles.

The male statue nods in the direction of a bush and says “shall we?” The female statue says “Oh yes!”

So they disappear into the bush and there’s lots of giggling and scuffling and after fifteen minutes they come out with their draperies all disarranged and their faces all flushed and happy.

The Angel of the Lord looks at his watch and says, “You still have fifteen minutes, why don’t you do it again?”

The male statue looks at the female statue and grins, “Do you want to?” The female statue bats her eyelashes at him and replies, “Yes please, but this time you hold down the pigeon and I’ll sh*t on it.

::::::::::::::::::

Well I like it…

Regards

Pony

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Friday, July 21, 2006 11:38 AM

SERYN

oh that was a good one!

ok, not a very good joke, but the only one i can remember -

God looks down one day, and spots a guy walking around that he takes a liking to - so he talks to him, and offers to grant him one wish.

"ok then" says the guy, "well, i have a house in Maui, i'd love a bridge that went from here to Maui."

"ooookay.." says god, "i'm going to give you twenty four hours to think about that one".

A day later he returns, and askes the guy if he still has the same wish.
"actually, I have a different wish, I'd like to be able to understand women".

God looks at him for a few minutes, then replies "so, would you like that bridge two lane or four?".

Another one with a religious bent. wierd.

Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt

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Friday, July 21, 2006 11:42 AM

SIMONWHO

My favourite joke of the moment:

Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him.

They're not that close.

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Friday, July 21, 2006 11:43 AM

PONYXPRESSINC

Hi Seryn,

*sniggers*

I like that, I like it very much.

Thanks

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Friday, July 21, 2006 11:45 AM

SERYN

thank you pony!

Simon... eh? sorry, forgive me for being dense.

Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn it stops. You tell it to stop it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage it watches reruns of Firefly.
http://www.myspace.com/seryndippyt

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Friday, July 21, 2006 12:01 PM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN

here's one of mine:

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 beers so the barkeep brings him the drinks and the man takes 1 sip from one then 1 sip from the other.This continued for a few weeks until the barkeep said "I have to know, why do you order 2 then take 1 sip from 1 and 1 from the other?" the man replied "This is something my brother and I do, I go to a bar and order 1 drink for myself and 1 for my brother then drink both, and this way we can kind of stay in touch." "Cool." the bar keep replies and so this goes on for a while until the man come in and only orders 1 beer the barkeep says "oh, man, I'm sorry for your loss." and the man replies "What? My wife made me quit drinking."

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
-try it out, I dare you

98% of teens have smoked pot, if you are one of the 2% that haven't, copy this into your signature

I'm so into Firefly, my butt glows in the dark.

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Friday, July 21, 2006 2:34 PM

MISSTRESSAHARA

I'm missing something Simonwho, I don't get it.

If I'm a bitch, then life just got interesting

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 12:07 AM

PHOENIXROSE

You think you know--what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.

A man goes into a bar and sees a tiny piano sitting there on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender rings a bell. A tiny man, not more than a foot tall, comes running out to the piano, sits down, and plays a beautiful song. The man watches in wonder, and asks the bartender where he got this marvel.
"Oh, I have a magic lamp," the bartender responds, pulling it out. "You hold this in your hands and make a wish. You can try it out if you like."
"Really?" The man goggles at him, reaching out for the lamp. "Well, ok. I wish I had a million bucks."
Suddenly the room is full of flying feathers and quacking chaos. There are ducks everywhere, flying around the bar and sitting on every surface.
"What is this?" The man yells. "I didn't want a million ducks!"
The bartender looks at him. "Yeah, well, I didn't wish for a twelve-inch pianist."

**********************************

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 3:15 AM

PONYXPRESSINC

Big Chuckles...

Thanks, boredom is slowly dissipating.

P

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 5:05 AM

REDLAVA

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...... She said "The son of bitch used coins."

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 5:14 AM

PONYXPRESSINC

*snorts with laughter so violently that juice erupts from her nose...*

I have to remember that one.

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 5:51 AM

CRUITHNE3753

Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh, Scotland. The schedule takes him through a ward containing patients who seem to be suffering no apparent illness or injury. He decides to greet one of the patients, who says:-

A fair fer ye honest sonsie face
Great cheiftan 'o the puddin' race
Aboon them all ye take your place
Painch, tripe or thairm
A wheel a wordy on ye grace
As lang's me arm

Unable to make any sense of this he just smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another, who says:-

Some hae meat and cannae eat
And some nae meat that want it
But we hae meat
And we can eat
And say the Lord be thank it

Again puzzled by the strange prose, he again smiles, shakes the patient's hand and moves on to another:-

Wee sleek it ye timourous beastie
Oh what a panic's in thy breastie
Nae need to start away sae hasty
Wi' bickering brattle

Now completely stumped, Tony turns to a doctor and asks "is this some sort of psychiatric ward?"

"Nae" replies the doctor, "it's the Serious Burns Unit!"

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 6:10 AM

CHOO1701

This is a good one:

Cannibal's and all:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

-----------------------------
"Remember, always be yourself. Unless you suck."-Joss Whedon

Ralph Wiggum(after walking into the 'Adults Only' section): Everybody's hugging!

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 6:23 AM

EST120

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
My favourite joke of the moment:

Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking and then through the floor and into the Earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him.

They're not that close.

That is from Angel. I cannot remember which episode. Something in season 5, though. Wes said it when he was talking to Illyria.

My lame contribution:

Three men are standing on a cliff with a wizard. The wizard tells them to jump off the cliff, call out a word and they will turn into that thing. The first man jumps and yells "Eagle!" and he flies away. The second man jumps and yells "Shark!" and swims away. The third man runs to the edge of the cliff, trips and cries out "Aw crap!".

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Saturday, July 22, 2006 6:28 AM

PONYXPRESSINC

That killed me... on the floor and expiring... can't breath... laughing too much.

Ok... ok, breathing back to normal but you've just reminded me of another joke as told by Billy Connely....

~~~~~~

The Queen was visiting a military hospital one day. She was being conducted around the wards by a Sergant Major of the old school, very upright, the man barked rather than talked.

They came to a ward with just three soldiers in their pyjamas, in their beds.

She comes to the first one who is lying on his frount groaning pitiably.

"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" She asks the Sergent Major.

"Hemmeroids your Majesty, Hemmeraoids a disgusting complaint."

"Oh my!" says the Queen, "How awful. What treatment is he given?"

"Wire brush and detoll(anti spetic fluid in case any americans read this and don't have it, it smells horrible and stings)your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."

"Good gracious," says the Queen, "The poor man's arse must be on fire." She bends down to the poor soldier and asks, "What do you wish for my brave lad?"

He replies, "To get rid of this disgusting complaint and to do my duty serving Queen and country." He salutes as best he can.

"What a fine example to us all." says the Queen. She takes a medal out of her handbag and pins it to the back of the mans pyjamas as she can't reach the frount.

The move onto the next bed where a man is lying on his back with a cage over him keeping the sheets and blankets off his frount. He is wimpering quietly and looks round worried as he hears the sound of footsteps.

"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" She asks the Sergent Major.

"Venereal Disease your Majesty, Venereal Disease a disgusting complaint. Self Inflicted injury."

"Oh dear," says the Queen, "Yes I think I saw a programme about that on BBC2, very unpleasant. What treatment is he given?"

"Wire brush and dettol your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."

The Queen goes a bit pale. "Do you mean you scrub..." She jestures to the soldiers nether regions.

"Yes your Majesty."

"Good Lord, the poor mans willie must be in taters." The Queen looks down at the soldier with compassion "What do you wish for my brave lad?"

He replies, "To get rid of this disgusting complaint and to do my duty serving Queen and country." He salutes.

"What a fine example to us all." says the Queen. She takes a medal out of her handbag and pins it to the frount of the mans pyjamas.

Finally they reach the last bed. The soldier in this one doesn't look really ill, he's sitting up in bed watching proceedings with great interest.

"And what is wrong with this brave soldier?" The Queen asks hesitantly, because all in all she thinks she would rather not know.

"Laryngitus your Majesty."

The Queen breaths a sigh of releif and smiles kindly at the soldier.

"That is awful, I've had that myself." She turns back to the Sergant Major, "And what treatment are you giving him?"

"Wire brush and dettol your Majesty, wire brush and dettol night and morning."

"For Gods sake man! You mean you scrub his throat with...?" Splutters the Queen, the Sergant Major nods. The Queen forces herself under control again and turns to the Soldier with a smile.

"What do you wish for my brave lad?"

The soldier considers this for a moment...

In a hoarse and ragged voice he replies...

"To get the wire brush and dettol before those dirty b*st*rds."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 12:19 PM

RMMC

Wow, all the jokes here are fun!

My favorite's pretty short.

Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Wait for it.....

They taste funny.

*RMMC ducks and runs*

******
RMMC

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 1:56 PM

CRUITHNE3753

Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer, and a rectal thermometer?

A. The taste.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 2:33 PM

NWUKSTEVE

A man goes into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gives him one.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 4:35 PM

DARWINSHANDMAIDEN

A man and his wife are talking. The man asks if the wife has ever been unfaithful. "Yes, three times" she says. Upset, the man asks her to explain. "Well, remember when we wanted to buy our house, but didn't have enough money for a down payment? I had sex with the banker and he gave us the mortgage". The husband tells her that is was ok then, as she did it in order for them to have a place to live. He asks about the second time. "Well, remember when you had to have a life saving operation and we didn't have the money for it? I had sex with the surgeon so that he would do the surgury for free." This was also fine with the husband, as she did it to save his life. But what about the third time? "Well" says the wife, "remember when you wanted to join the country club and that committee of ten guys had to approve you?......."

I picks them up, I drops them off.

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 7:54 PM

PONYXPRESSINC

Hi CRUITHNE3753

Ewwwwww! Snigger....

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 7:59 PM

PONYXPRESSINC

*Lobs cushion at RMMC whilst sniggering*

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Sunday, July 23, 2006 8:00 PM

PONYXPRESSINC

Hi Darwin,

Just shows how pragmatic women are....

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Monday, July 24, 2006 7:18 AM

WOLFPOET

This is actually more of an inside joke with my friends, but it's pretty funny. And it's not really aimed at us Browncoats, more as it is at me and my boyfriend (I'll refer to him as Qwerty.
So we're exposing my friend to Serenity for the first time and the dialogue is as follows:

MY FRIEND: I've hear of Star Wars fans. I've heard of Trekkies. But I've never heard of Serenity fans.
QWERTY: That's because we stay in our houses or go to each others houses.
ME: That's why there's so many of us.
MY FRIEND: Yeah, you guys are like rabbits.

Well you had to be there to get it.

"We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... this land."
"I think we should call it YOUR GRAVE!"
"Oh, no, sudden yet inevitable betrayal."

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Monday, July 24, 2006 9:11 AM

CRUITHNE3753

Patient: "I keep getting the urge to sing songs."

Doctor: "What sort of songs?"

Patient: "Oh, things like Delilah, What's New Pussycat, and The Boy From Nowhere."

Doctor: "I think you've got Tom Jones syndrome"

Patient: "Is it common, then?"

Doctor: "It's Not Unusual."

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Monday, July 24, 2006 10:31 AM

RMMC

Quote:
Originally posted by Cruithne3753:
Patient: "I keep getting the urge to sing songs."

Doctor: "What sort of songs?"

Patient: "Oh, things like Delilah, What's New Pussycat, and The Boy From Nowhere."

Doctor: "I think you've got Tom Jones syndrome"

Patient: "Is it common, then?"

Doctor: "It's Not Unusual."

Is this where we throw undies at you?

*******
RMMC

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