Someone do me favor please?? by shortstuff87

TALK STORY

Someone do me favor please??

POSTED BY: SHORTSTUFF87
UPDATED: Sunday, November 5, 2006 14:52
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VIEWED: 2179
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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:00 PM

ok, i'm working on writing a bit of fanfiction for the site. and i've finally got a bit of something down. Now, would someone be willing to read this little bit and tell me if the story thus far seems intresting? its not much yet, a paragraph at most.

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:06 PM

SHORTSTUFF87

i suppose i'll just post the first paragraph here.

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:09 PM

SHORTSTUFF87

Kaylie lifts her head up quickly, hearing the captains’ voice come in over the intercom, heart quivering a bit hearing the worry in his voice as he yells for Book to open the bay doors and for Simon help them with something, she not hearing what because of the blood already rushing in her ears, drowning out his voice. She scrambles up quickly, fearing the worst, dropping the wrench she’d been holding on the floor with its mates, hurrying down to the cargo bay. Arriving just in time to see the Captain and Zoe carefully lifting River off the mule, their little albatross quite unconscious, side of her face already starting to swell, blood running down the side of her face from a open gash at her hairline, though it paled in comparison to the wound on her side, just over her ribs, looking like a bullet had taken a chunk out of her, her normally innocent looking dress tarnished by the growing stain of blood. Jayne hopping off the mule quickly, looking almost shaken and pale, slamming the button for the doors to shut. Mal yelling for Simon, Book taking Zoe’s place and helping him carry River to the infirmary. Kaylie pales, watching this go on as she stands on the catwalk. Still unhearing, everything seeming to be moving in slow motion, not even noticing as Jayne slinks out of the cargo bay, locking himself into his bunk. All color draining from her vision, save the bright red, perfectly round drops of blood spattering the cargo bay floor. She jumping when Inara puts a hand on her shoulder, looking over, not realizing her face is wet with tears.

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:09 PM

SHORTSTUFF87

please excuse it being a bit rough, it hasn't been edited yet

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:23 PM

GORBISHUN

It shows promise. Keep going with it.

«°-:-°»
Also... I can kill you with my brain.

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:28 PM

SHORTSTUFF87

i dunno.....to melodramatic maybe? I need a beta, heh, still looking for one

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Sunday, November 5, 2006 2:52 PM

RMMC

Quote:
Originally posted by shortstuff87:
i dunno.....to melodramatic maybe? I need a beta, heh, still looking for one

The help you're looking for may more easily be found here: http://www.fireflyfans.net/threadlist.asp?b=12

Just start a thread asking for a beta reader.

There are also other threads to help writers there (ie: dos and don'ts, how to avoid Mary Sues, and...the Grammar Guides.)

Go check 'em out and look foward to reading more from you!

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

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