The Beer Scooter - Drunken Journeys Explained! by MrShinyVerse

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The Beer Scooter - Drunken Journeys Explained!

POSTED BY: MRSHINYVERSE
UPDATED: Friday, April 27, 2007 09:50
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Tuesday, April 24, 2007 12:18 AM

I was clearing out some old e-mails I forgot I had and came across this.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' and as hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter!

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. Which answers your second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. Which answers your third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions with other users over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.

Another question answered for the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

"I'm here for a good time, not a long time" - that's my motto, or it might be if I start having a motto

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007 3:15 AM

DAYVE

...not to be confused with the Scotch Hopper or the Rum Runner....

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007 9:58 PM

MISSTRESSAHARA

God that's funny.

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~*Peter* Peter*; power *re-peater*~
`@/
/Y
/_)

*Petrelli for President. Together we can soar.*
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HEROE'S IS MY CRACK!
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Friday, April 27, 2007 8:16 AM

CONSTANCE

Thank you so very much for explaining this... It will be a relief to so many confused and slightly ashamed souls to know this.

Constance

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Friday, April 27, 2007 8:57 AM

PIRATECAT

How do you explain the puke in the front seat then.

"Battle of Serenity, Mal. Besides Zoe here, how many-" "I'm talkin at you! How many men in your platoon came out of their alive".

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Friday, April 27, 2007 9:50 AM

ALLIETHORN7

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-kay...
That sure explains a LOT about all the things I don't know.

Having fun yet?

-Danny

A Ghost is all that's Left,
Of everything we Swore we Never would Forget,
Tried to bleed the Sickness,
But we drained our Hearts instead,
We are... We are the DEAD!!!!!!!!!!
THRICE RULES!!!!!!!!!
What did Lord of the Flies teach us? That we are inherintly evil and that you will kill someone if given the chance... and never try to catch rocks with your face. That could end badly.

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