Hidey Thread 489: What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs by daveshayne

Quote:
Originally posted by MsA:
Can they hear you Steven Segal??

I'll bet they can hear you Bruce Lee.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:26 AM

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Canadians used a pencil.

***

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:32 AM

More cut & paste, in order to keep this fine thread bumpled.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned.

"You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:35 AM

God wanted to go on vacation, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity" said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"

"No," said God, "Too much gossip. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:36 AM

A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful
Australian from the east.

The bartender says, "Yor nut frum arund hier, are you?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "Whut do you do un Cunuda?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A texidumust? Whut duz a texidumust do? Do you drive a texi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. Hu'z one uv us."

***

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:39 AM

A woman that happened to be an animal lover heard a screech of tires outside her home. She ran out to see a dead skunk that had been hit by a car. As she headed back to her porch, she heard a gentle mewling sound and looked under the stairs, where 5 baby skunks were hiding. She gathered them into a box and called the vet. The vet said, "Since they're babies, the most important thing is to keep them warm. I'd recommend you lay down on your bed and let them cuddle between your legs."

"But Doctor," the woman said, "what about the smell?"

"Don't worry, they'll get used to it."

***

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:43 AM

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately.

Upon the husband's arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition.

After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that his wife was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 6:49 AM

What's blue and never fits properly?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

A dead epileptic.

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 7:00 AM

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"

The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."

***

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 7:11 AM

What do you call a dog with no legs?

who cares, he ain't comin' anyway.

***
Oughta here, done bumped best/worst I could.

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 7:34 AM

Flying on duct tape and a damaged registry.

*snort*

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 10:15 AM

GORRAMGROUPIE

I'd give a groan over those jokes, but that would legitimize them. Instead I will post my own.

How do you drown a blond?

Put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of a pool.

Two blondes walk into a bar. The brunette ducks.

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
Police Squad

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 12:11 PM

Old jokes of taste they lack. Summon the Homunculus.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Thursday, October 15, 2009 6:48 PM

Flying on duct tape and a damaged registry.

Quote:
Originally posted by daveshayne:
Old jokes of taste they lack. Summon the Homunculus.

Fullmetal Alchemist?

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Friday, October 16, 2009 2:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Karel:
Quote:
Originally posted by daveshayne:
Old jokes of taste they lack. Summon the Homunculus.
Fullmetal Alchemist?

Among other things springing from the first reference to them in the AD&D monster manual. Well that's the first reference I read; they've been kicking around the notes of fantasists since almost forever.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Saturday, October 17, 2009 10:59 AM

GORRAMGROUPIE

You don't like my old style jokes? I'll summon shaggy dogs next!

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian!

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
Police Squad

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Saturday, October 17, 2009 12:16 PM

I am wracking my brain for a clean joke... nope sorry not a one

I also wish small towns had delivery like large cities.... sigh

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Saturday, October 17, 2009 12:38 PM

GORRAMGROUPIE

Don't feel too bad, I had to Google to get that one, all the ones I know would take a long time to type, and are just WAAAAY too bad (as in groans, not content.) Besides, where would we be without "There was a man from Nantucket..."?

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
Police Squad

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Sunday, October 18, 2009 3:03 AM

Just woke up from an oddly persistent dream. The details aren't that important - high school assembly - but there are two things that it's left with me. First, if they put the violin and flute players in the back row symphonies could advertise surround sound and second, there are three infallible signs you are not watching a Spanish film strip. The first sign is drama. If there is drama it's not a Spanish film strip. I have no idea what the other two signs are as I woke up then.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Sunday, October 18, 2009 5:54 AM

I still have a vivid memory of watching Star Wars dubbed in French.... Han Solo's voice was higher than Princess Leia

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Sunday, October 18, 2009 10:10 PM

Gorram,

That is the best joke I have EVER heard. Thanks for making me snort my pop.

Also I have returnethed. Thanks for all the jokes guys I've really needed them lately.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

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Thursday, October 22, 2009 7:13 PM

WHERE IS EVERYONE?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

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Thursday, October 22, 2009 7:22 PM

Sorry the whole baby due in a week and contractions but not in labor thing has been somewhat distracting..
HUGS

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009 8:26 PM

Hiding, of course.

It's what we do, darlin'.

Glad you're back. Glad you're front, too.

***

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Friday, October 23, 2009 3:01 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by mai:
WHERE IS EVERYONE?

Out and about. Here and there. Coming and going.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Sunday, October 25, 2009 12:31 PM

Alright, okay, so obscene jokes don't fly so well in the rarefied air of the 5**th floor of the Hidey Thread. I can do mild.

Two eggs are put into a frying pan.

The first egg turns to the second one and says, "Is it getting hot in here?"

The second egg looks back at the first one and screams "OH MY GOD! A TALKING EGG!"

Howya doin', Mai? I miss the late night Yahoo chatz.

***

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Sunday, October 25, 2009 2:57 PM

giggle... ok I'd laugh more but I have a very tiny foot lodged in my ribs and it hurts to laugh

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Monday, October 26, 2009 7:55 AM

Who do you think is in there?

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Monday, October 26, 2009 1:10 PM

Flying on duct tape and a damaged registry.

Quote:
Originally posted by cozen:
The second egg looks back at the first one and screams "OH MY GOD! A TALKING EGG!"

Oh! Oh! Oh! That's bad, eh?

"Whatever is wrong with you is so right for me." -- Marillion.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009 11:13 AM

CITIZEN

Quote:
Originally posted by mai:
WHERE IS EVERYONE?

Over there.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:16 PM

OK the laughing over the egg joke was wrong, but I adore bad jokes

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009 2:48 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
Quote:
Originally posted by mai:
WHERE IS EVERYONE?

Over there.

Except the eggs. The eggs are ova here.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009 9:41 PM

Flying on duct tape and a damaged registry.

Quote:
Originally posted by daveshayne:
Except the eggs. The eggs are ova here.

You slay me. *snort*

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Thursday, October 29, 2009 3:01 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Karel:
Quote:
Originally posted by daveshayne:
Except the eggs. The eggs are ova here.
You slay me. *snort*

Ovy the Karel Slayer.

Nah, it'll never work as a series.

David

'Begone, sugar-free candy antichrist!' - Nathan Rabin.

'Geeks can't admit that anything worthwhile was invented before 1981. Soon, "making cocoa" will be called "milk hacking."' - Lore Sjoberg

http://xkcd.com/386/

"Don't worry. Captain Hammer will save us." - Penny.

I has myspace - http://www.myspace.com/daveshayneforpresident

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Thursday, October 29, 2009 5:52 PM

Sorry, I've been busy trying to set up our big move to the next floor. Only when I get in the elevator it won't let me go up or down. I think we're stuck here forever.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

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Thursday, October 29, 2009 5:59 PM

That's ok I brought chips and salsa...and apparently I am never going into labor so it's all good...

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Thursday, October 29, 2009 7:17 PM

Maybe he's just waiting for a grand entrance on Halloween?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

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Thursday, October 29, 2009 7:50 PM

HUGS I love you Mai!!!

To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.
--Francois Mauriac
It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten.

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Friday, October 30, 2009 11:02 AM

CITIZEN

If he is born on Halloween you have to call him Damien and play the music from Omen.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009 3:03 AM