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Originally posted by Brenda:
Out for my walk and my pick up game in a bit.

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:

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Originally posted by Brenda:
Out for my walk and my pick up game in a bit.

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Hope it went your way.


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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
SIX: People sometimes want the dying process to be over, not from callousness but an overabundance of feeling.

It helps to dial down emotion, which can get in the way of clarity of purpose: to help the person be as comfortable as possible.

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I can't even tell you how many times I've heard talks of suicide in the last two weeks. My aunt is going to Minnesota, and my dad plans on going to Canada when their time comes. I said I'll just rent a boat, bring a bottle of Grey Goose and get my hands on some meth and see what all the fuss is about before putting on the cement shoes and taking one last dive.

I know they want her to be comfortable, but at this point I think there is a real desire to pill her up so much that they can do the Kevorkian job themselves legally through hospice. In fact, I'm starting to suspect that the hospice organization is incentivized by the Medicare to do that very thing themselves.

My aunt is super high strung and an emotional roller coaster on the good days. I'd say if any of her kids cares about grams as much as I do it's her. My dad doesn't, and he's not afraid of saying so. He "loves" her, but in the sense that I love my own mom... yanno... more out of obligation and nostalgia than anything else. My uncle has always been distant and lived his own life... kind of like me in a way, but with a wife and kids. He's the strong, silent type. Even back when the family did things together I'd only ever see them on Christmas. I don't even know his feelings towards grams since he's impossible to read. I think he'd make an excellent poker player.

My dad was the only one against the drugs at all. Once he caved yesterday, that was it. She's going to be chasing the dragon until her final breath now.

I love my aunt, but only in small doses. If anything, this has taught me that there's no way I could ever take her in my house. She's a LOUD person. One minute she's saying she's got this under control and she can do it, then she'll be waking me up at midnight to help her with grandma and she's stomping all around the house talking to herself saying "That's it! I can't take one more fucking night of this! Somebody else needs to take over! I'm done!" That was happening two nights ago and I finally said "I came here to help out. Not to listen to this bullshit. Shut up. Go upstairs and smoke some weed. Chill the fuck out. Grandma doesn't need to listen to this."


What we've got is a caring/patience imbalance. If my dad cared half as much as my aunt did, and my aunt had half of my dad's patience, I think things would be a lot different now.

And because I'm not her kid, I get no say in any of this and I just have to watch the train wreck of a process unfold.


The one good thing I can say has come out of all of this is that my Dad and Aunt are talking and cooperating. They haven't talked for at least 8 years now. My Aunt wanted to, but my Dad didn't. And my Dad told me the real reason he's spending as much time over there right now is for her instead of my Grandma. I don't know if they'll continue to talk at all after Grandma passes. I kind of doubt they will without any real reason to, but my Aunt said yesterday that she's grateful that they've been able to come together and whenever my old man passes away she will go to his funeral.

I've got an odd family... Well... Maybe not so odd. Who knows what other families deal with.

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I wish there was someone there who could give a few days' example of practical caregiving: regular bathroom breaks (does she have a bedside commode? EXTREMELY HELPFUL) monitored fluid intake and hydration, regular meals, meds calibrated to the level of pain SHE is willing to tolerate. Companionship. Feeling helpless, uncertain, sad, angry, impatient, guilty, etc confuses people and can lead to avoidance and neglect.

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She has a bedside commode. That's what I finally got my aunt and uncle to help me get her on Monday night at 4AM. I think the reason my uncle didn't want to do it even after he got there was because of what a nightmare it was getting her back into bed with my dad and aunt the day before (and the fact that hospice told them under no circumstances is she to ever leave that bed again). But with me there, we were able to get her back into bed with relative ease.

And speaking of guilt... I think me being right about her being able to pee so much on that commode when I finally got everybody to help me get her there really hurt my aunt too after telling me all day long "it was the cancer" or "she's just being a pain in the ass and always wants to be in control". While my uncle and I were getting her back on the bed my aunt rushed to dump that and clean the commode out, as if to hide the evidence. When I realized she did that I said "What are you doing? We need them to see that so they get her a catheter and they might need to run tests on it."

Fortunately, that wasn't an issue, because after the three phone calls that night to the hospice dispatch the nurse called in the morning to schedule an extra visit in the morning to put the cath in (without us even needing to ask her) and the urine from 4AM wouldn't have been good to test because it needs to be refrigerated until it's tested.

As far as companionship, it's only given right now as long as it's "easy". They'll tell themselves and anybody else that they're giving her the drugs for her pain, but I know the drugs are being used for their own state of mind. Rather than being able to have some final conversations with her while she's lucid and dealing with her being needy and uncooperative, they'd rather her just lie there and sleep until it's over.

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Movantik Rx (opiates cause constipation by slowing the intestines, Movantik reverses that effect but only in the gut) senna (OTC), and docusate sodium (OTC) can be used instead. Bc if your g'ma is suffering from urine retention and UTI, chances are shes constipated as well.

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They have her on anti-constipation meds too, in a pill form. Not sure if it's Movantik or not. But between that and the supposotory, she's not constipated anymore. There's nothing solid coming out.

I told my Grams during about the 3rd time we were changing her "you see how much your daughter loves you? Most people would be letting you sit in this all day and night until the nurse's aide came tomorrow afternoon." By the 6th time we were changing her I thanked her for giving me the opportunity to prove to myself how much of a man I actually could be.

Because if you asked me 4 days ago if I'd ever change an old person's diaper I would have answered with a definitive no.

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I wish I could help. Between the two of us we could do a good job, I bet you'd be great.

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Oh I wish you could too. I think we'd be a great team, and there would still be some time for me to at least enjoy her company for a few more days.


One great thing that was able to happen was that I was finally able to figure out with my brother how to do a video conference with his iPad and my aunt's Android phone. So 2 days ago while she was still somewhat with it they were able to see each other's faces one last time and say I love you to each other before the drugs turned the lights out on her.

We'd just about given up out of frustration and were going to do it the following morning. But my brother called back 20 minutes later and wanted to give it one last try. I thanked him last night for doing that. The guilt I would have felt if we hadn't been able to do that would have been eating at me even more than the fact I didn't get over there with the movies to watch them with her while she could still watch them.


In any event, I'm feeling better after a night at my own house. I've got things to unload out of my car because I took all of the wood from the garage and got the OK from my Uncle to take anything out of there that I wanted (My dad and aunt wanted none of it). I got a lot of real cool stuff. Some more antique tools including a VERY large antique hand saw for cutting down trees which I'm going to restore to it's former glory and hang about my garage window. There were also two mysterious black hard shell boxes out there which included an emergency roadside assistance kit, including a D/C tire inflator, reflectors and a first aid kit. And the second was a brand new floor jack. Now I have two floor jacks and can raise the front or back of my car. All I need now are some jack stands.

I don't know where all of this is going to go, but I'll figure that out later. I've got to get it out because there's more things to get. My grandma's beautiful hope chest that looks like it could be a pirate's chest of gold is coming back with me. It needs to be restored and needs the split in the bottom panel fixed, but that's an heirloom quality piece. I also managed to salvage the 4 legs of the beautiful dining room table and I'm going to use those with a beautiful marble slate top I got from my mom and step-dad when they moved to make a small table with. So I'm also going to take the two head chairs of that table that had arm rests, rip off all that disgusting upholstery (because it's been out in the garage with the squirrels after the years of the cats living inside the house) and learn how to put new upholstery on and have a really awesome 2 seater table in my kitchen when I'm done.

There's also an antique drill press that still seems to be in pretty great shape. I'll have to find out what I'd need to do to get it working, but even if it's not great for use in modern times, it will make an excellent showpiece on one of my work benches.




So I think I'm going to stay away for one more night so we all have our breathing room and go back on Friday. My buddy needs help on his rental this weekend and I already told him I probably couldn't, but maybe I'll just plan to stay the night at Grams' through Sunday or Monday and getting away during the day to help my friend will give me something to take my mind off everything and give us all the space that we need to not be at each other's throats.

At least that's the plan, anyway....

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
That sounds like a good plan, SIX. I hope it works out for you. But yanno what they say-"Life is what happens to us as we make other plans".

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Heh. Yeah.

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You've been awesome. Sounds like you're bringing much- needed emotional stability to the scene. I'll bet you never thought anyone would say that to you?

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No... Never thought that would happen.

But yesterday morning my own patience with everything outside of Grams was worn too thin. It was time to go. We've all talked since and my aunt actually wants me to come back for the weekend. I told her I'll probably be over tomorrow afternoon, but I'm making myself scarce during the days and I'll need to be getting at least some sleep or else I'll be useless at helping my friend.

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BTW since she's not having any solid bowel movements you can probably decrease whatever she's getting for constipation, altho I don't know how much flexibility hospice is giving you in terms of her care. I would probably argue with the rest of the family (again) for cutting back on pain meds, but I'd only go at a rate of about 1/8 total dose every 5 days or so, since it's way too easy to cut back too much too fast and cause unnecessary pain, sleeplessness, and agitation.

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I'll tell you one thing... If it were MY mom and I was the one dealing with hospice, they wouldn't be dictating anything to me. Especially after all they've gotten wrong so far. Maybe she won't need the constipation stuff after the UTI issue is solved. My aunt says she's still a little hot, so hopefully the fever is gone by tonight.

I sure am going to try again with the pain meds, but I don't think I'm going to be able to change their minds. Even though I've been right about everything so far, my Aunt just believes whatever the nurse tells her over me still. My dad has resigned himself to just giving whatever hospice orders (he's always been a non-confrontational absolutist), and my Uncle just wants her drugged up to the max so she doesn't feel any pain.

I have to tread real carefully there because I imagine if I even bring it up again it's going to turn into an argument really fast.




Got my car cleared out and was able to find a good home for most of the stuff. But between this new stuff, the stuff I got from my friend's father-in-law's house and all the free after rebate stuff I've been accumulating I'm going to have to really sit down and have a gameplan for everything so I can start the re-org and begin some of these projects so I don't end up hoarding my house again. At least I had room for all of the new wood in my two wood staging areas without having any overflow, so that's a load off my mind.



Got some errands to run, then I've got to do laundry and clean up a bit while re-packing so I can get some sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting anything ready tomorrow before I head back out.


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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Wow, that's fast.

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Hey SIX, when MIL was in hospice they gave us a book "What to expect when someone is dying". I don't have it anymore but found this updated version online:

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/end-of-life-care/nearing-the-end-of-l
ife/death.html

One thing has stuck with me thru all the years and I apply it to every person or animal in question: Are they interested in eating and drinking? If yes, their body is still struggling to live.

If not, don't force food on them altho sips of water make patient more comfortable. Their body is shutting down. Digestion won't happen and food will literally spoil in their stomach.

Also, people and animals near death get drowsy, even without sedation or painkillers.

That being said, it's hard to tell the difference between sedation and dying. One thing you can do is go online and look up the normal dosage for whatever painkiller she's on. Take her weight into account, they often calculate a standard dosage for an average 150 lb person,altho they sometimes helpfully provide a mg per kg dosage as well. (Divide her estimated weight in pounds by 2.2 to get kg.)

That way you can compare her dosage to "normal" and see whether you have reason to think she's being overdosed or if this is just the way she is now.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
So, SIX, the problem with drowsiness and/or confusion and/or weakness is that it can have multiple cuases, especially in someone complicated like your g'ma. In her case it could be poor oxygenation, infection, painkillers/sedatives, dehydration, low bloodsugar or something else. There are so many possible causes that it can require a process of elimination: think of all likely causes and eliminate them one by one and look for improvement. In your g'mas situation it was probably several things: poor oxygentaion caused by fluid around the lung, infection, dehydration, post-anesthesia reaction, and adjustment to painkillers, and I would guess the first two were the most important. It didn't make sense to me that she would suddenly get worse after her breathing improved, but if she had a massive UTI that would go a long way to explaining the problem. Not an expert here, but FWIW people don't die of "cancer". They die of something SPECIFIC that cancer is interfering with. In the case of lung cancer it's usually from cancer interfering with the lungs' capabity to absorb oxygen.

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It can be tricky to determine if your symptoms are related to brain mets or not. One indicator is if your symptoms come and go or if they are chronic. If you are experiencing a symptom that comes and goes, it is less likely to be related to cancer. Talk with your doctor about any symptoms you are experiencing.

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Congrats on the win at your mahjong pickup game, BRENDA! Days like that feel pretty good!

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by Brenda:
Back from my walk and even managed to get an inside chore done that I've been putting off for a while. Cleaning the bathtub.

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:

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Originally posted by Brenda:
Back from my walk and even managed to get an inside chore done that I've been putting off for a while. Cleaning the bathtub.

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One of my least favorite chores. Even lower than scrubbing the toilets.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by Brenda:
Out for my walk on another cold day in a bit.

Oh, SIG. So far no snow where I am so far.

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Originally posted by Brenda:
It is now white outside. Don't know when it stopped snowing last night. Sun is out right now and computer temp reads 3C. But it is my day to stay in and do nothing much,

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:

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Originally posted by Brenda:
It is now white outside. Don't know when it stopped snowing last night. Sun is out right now and computer temp reads 3C. But it is my day to stay in and do nothing much,

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Have a nice day of rest, BRENDA.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Hey SIX are you OK?

Instead of arguing with your relativ s about how much meds she should be on, a better tack might be to have them ASK HER how much she should be on. And if you can volunteer your services for a night or two (tell your aunt and dad they need their sleep) you might be able to attend to those other things that she needs.

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Pity would be no more,
If we did not MAKE someone poor - William Blake

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Originally posted by Brenda:
*Hugs* SIX and I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is huge for you and don't be afraid of the anger and the feeling of missing your grandmother. You've lost something precious but you have your memories of her.

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Originally posted by SIGNYM:
Oh SIX, I'm so sorry. *Hugs*


Many cancers are relatively painless, except towards the last week or month. That sounds like your g'ma. I'm glad you had that time together. She loved you and you loved her, and she knew it. It was a comfort to her, and I hope that brings you comfort too.
*hugs*

I'm glad so see you posting again. I was worried about you.

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