Quote:

---

Originally posted by Fremdfirma:

Yeah I know, I'm kind of an easy mark for them - thing is, while permissive, my minimum behavior standard is prettymuch do-no-harm, but that's a minimum, something folks don't understand all that well.
Now, if one of them has expressed interest in taking a life-path which requires a higher standard than that, I'll start holding them to it, and explain why, but the whole concept of no-as-default, and "because I said so" is damaging to them in that it's essentially teaching them might-makes-right, therefore by rewarding negotiation instead of force, this encourages them down a gentler path.

I also take issue with that automatic-submission response to adults/authority, and trying to hammer it into them, because abusers of all kind take serious advantage of it, as do perceived authorities in a political sense when they do become adults - this is where jackboots come from, folks willing to follow any order just cause someone in perceived authority says so, and it's harmful to them and others.
So yeah, I teach them to think it through, and listen to their own heart - and me being me, more than once I've had one or more kids stand up to me and call me out for my actions, or flatly refuse something that they felt was wrong or immoral, and every time they do it bolsters my faith in humanity just a little bit more.

Of course, all of the above makes me look to be an easy mark, but if I ain't willing to play along, I don't.
Also there's this - I draw fewer lines and limits on behavior, but WHEN I draw them, they might as well be carved in stone, cause I will not budge, none of those limits are arbitrary and happen to be there for good reasons, which will be explained to them in lieu of "Cause I said so!" - thus when they run up against them, which is rare, they do trust in my refusal since by demonstrable practice it's NOT just ego or control, there really is a reason.

A childs trust is a sacred thing, you see - not just rhetoric with me but an issue that borders on religious, it is given to you only when you have earned it, and can be revoked at any time, their obedience you can compel with force, but never their trust in you - I wish more parents understood that difference.

---