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BTW I was in the news last night

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Citizen was right...I Do need help

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Originally posted by STDOUBT:

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BTW I was in the news last night

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For what?
(EDIT: Trust always depends on mutuality.
Knowledge trumps Belief).

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Citizen was right...I Do need help

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All you need is Love.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:

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Originally posted by STDOUBT:

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BTW I was in the news last night

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For what?
(EDIT: Trust always depends on mutuality.
Knowledge trumps Belief).

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Citizen was right...I Do need help

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All you need is Love.

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Love is for the weak

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I am a very successful woman. I'm good at science and any left-brained activity, but when it comes to social, conversations, and feelings, I always fail to be able to interpret the situation. When I think I’m being humorous other find it so not humorous. When I am being vague other take what I say and interpret it in a different way other than what I meant. When I’m happy, people act towards me like I’m sad. When I’m sad, people treat me as though I’m angry…go figure.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I always thought success would bring me happiness. I find that now I've arrived I hate everything and everyone so screw all of you.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:

Fellow Browncoats,

Maybe it’s for is an Adults bid for reasonable attention and input, but no other, so please make an attempt to understand. I hope you do, and I hope you respond!

I need your help, and if you can’t, then I understand. I Am a difficult human.

As Citizen pointed out, you are all not my therapy group, but I need your help because I am having difficulties, trouble seeing how my presence, my opinions, and points of view have affected you and other people.

I am a very successful woman. I'm good at science and any left-brained activity, but when it comes to social, conversations, and feelings, I always fail to be able to interpret the situation. When I think I’m being humorous other find it so not humorous. When I am being vague other take what I say and interpret it in a different way other than what I meant. When I’m happy, people act towards me like I’m sad. When I’m sad, people treat me as though I’m angry…go figure.

This forum is my only outlet for the ideas of freedom of expression if you can understand that, and YES, I know it’s a Firefly forum, but I am River in more ways than you want to know, so I think it fits here. Have I offended anyone here, or on this board in any primary, core way? Are my crimes so major, that it means I have to be ignored? And am I that bad? Do my escapades mean that I have no opinion worth looking at?

For all the people who have wondered about this sort of thing. You can have all the money on earth you could ever want. You can have all the status on earth that you will every need, but in the end, when the smoke clears, and the applause has ended, all you really have wanted (as I have) is the understanding of your fellow human being.

In this day and period, this can only come from a browncoat.

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Originally posted by STDOUBT:
Damn... I wish we could meet up.
Are you an Aries?

Regarding what you said about weakness-
The most tender substance can wear down the mountains.
True strength is gentle.
May you melt.

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Originally posted by Chindi:
welllll in CASE this is a serious thread... I wanted to add that I have never been offended by any of your posts... and in case it is NOT a serious thread.. let me just add that screwing can be wacky fun! so "screw you" COULD be a compliment...

Chindi

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Okay, okay!!! So I'm a crazy person with a big mouth...sue me. I'm beginning to see that its sort of weird of me coming into this forum and kicking up all the fuss I do...its strange. If the people at my company could see me now they wouldnt know what to think. They never see this insane part of me, and I hope to god they never do. They are used to my Vulcan demeanor, which I practiced for years, and now I have it down to a fine art. The problem is, when I finally make it home, and I'm alone, and you get a couple of glasses of wine into me, I start to act weird. This seems to be getting worse and worse. Not the wine part, but the acting weird part.

I work almost 24/7...I live at my job because I believe that if you want it done right, do it yourself, but I think I'm starting to come unglued. I was sleep walking last week...3 times! I havent done that crap since I was a child! Yep, this is it, this is the big one...I'm going crazy. Its time to go get a shrink and find out what my problem is before I crack up and beat the crap out of someone, or jump off a bridge....I like the beat the crap out of someone idea better though.

I can see it now. I'll go to a shrink, and I'll tell him/her what my problem is, and they will know right there that they will be able to buy that new boat they always wanted, or put all their kids through college with what I'll be paying them for therapy. Maybe they might have me locked up? That wouldnt be a good thing. Those bozo's at my company would ruin my business, and I'll have to break out of the crazy house I'm at just to hunt them all down and impale their collective heads to a telephone pole.

Anyhow, thanks for the nice words you sympathetic souls, watching a crazy person go through their craziness. I honestly don't really remember starting this pathetic thread by the way.

I think I'll go over to the Storm-front, White Supremacy forum and start up an argument there. Those guys really have no sense of humor, and its fun to poke fun at them because they spend way too much time goose-stepping around, looking at photos of hitler, and hating everyone except for their own pathetic selves....I hate them.

Yup! Without a shadow of a doubt I'm crazy...even I can see it now. Why is it that crazy people are always the last to see their craziness?

River


Holy split personality Batman!

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Originally posted by Cybersnark:
*hugs river*

You're right.

I actually put a fair bit of thought into what I could say that wouldn't sound like a Hallmark card, but that's all I got: You are right.

Mercy, kindness, compassion --these are all crutches for the weak and flawed.

Thing is though, that's what humans are (and Vulcans, and just about any other sapient race that could conceivably exist --and I'm not even sure about animals). That's what the universe makes us. Tiamat knows, I have little patience for humanity either. The best thing I can say is that 95% of them wander through their lives with their eyes half-closed, not wanting to be anything other than dullard robots. Not even "people," but just bundles of pre-determined reactions, about as "alive" as NPCs in a video game. At worst. . .

And yeah, you're crazy. Ain't nothing wrong with that, it just means you're not like anyone else.

I'm not gonna throw platitudes at you: being different sucks. It's not fun, it's miserable, and painful, and scary, whether you admit to knowing fear or not. There may very well be no one else like you on the planet.

But you're here now. See how nobody here's attacking you. Flawed, imperfect, and crazy as you are, you're one of us.

Plain and simple fact is, as long as you exist, the world will have to deal with you. And the moment you leave it, the world will be different (maybe not worse, but maybe not better, but I hereby guarantee this: you will be missed). Don't go just yet, you might miss how it ends.

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We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Originally posted by citizen:
It's not a requirement too listen to a word I have to say.

Unless it helps, but if it doesn't, don't listen, it's probably stupid.

Or something.

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More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
You should never give powers to a leader you like that you’d hate to have given to a leader you fear

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Originally posted by SameErtia:
Gixxer, I'd climb on the pyre with you.
That's just the kind of friend I am.


River, sweetie. RELAX!
Breathe in and out a few times. I'm trying to catch up to this thread and decifer it all but I'm lost.
I can't tell where you're being serious and where you're really just coming undone.

One thing about boards like this one, though, is that people can't hear what you mean. It helps to use the emoticons to express the emotions behind your words.
A simple - can let people know you're just fooling.
Where a - can let people know you've actually really lost it this time.

We're Browncoats. We're family. We're here to support each other, even when we don't all believe and think the same ways.
*hugs*

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Originally posted by SameErtia:
Well, nobody NEEDS sex. It can just be an awful lot of fun sometimes.

It does help to have a professional to help work through issues and find resolution. Be sure to check references, and find someone who you feel supports you and who you can work with. The right therapist can save your life. The wrong one can ruin it.

From my opinion, it doesn't sound like you've gone crazy. It sounds like you're under alot of stress at work, and don't have any resources for venting that stress. It's manifesting itself in your mood swings and your sleepwalking.

If at all possible, take a few days off and treat yourself to something good- a day at the beach, check into the local Hilton for a mini-vacation, anything you can do to change scenery and get a break.

Sleepwalking is really scary! Since you sleep-walked as a child, you probably know the tricks already, but I'm gonna list 'em here just in case!

Before you go to bed, put a good thick rubber band on the doorknob running from the doorknob to the faceplate of the door, OR put a wooden block at the bottom of the door (providing it opens inwards) or put painters tape around the door to seal it- ANYTHING to baffle yourself if you try to get out. Sleepwalkers tend to do what-ever is normal for them, so just locking the door means your asleep mind will simply firgure out how to unlock it.

(I was once found wandering a block from home. Nice officer asked what I was doing outside barefoot and I told him I wanted some pie. Thank heavens my roommate was already looking for me!)

Do a series of yoga or light stretches before bed to relax the body and get your mind in sync. This will help relieve the stress that's causing the sleepwalking.

If you have stairs in your house, block the top of them before you go to bed. A child-gate, or big cardboard box (big enough you won't trip over it) will work very well. I've fallen downstairs in my sleep- kind of a rude awakening.

If you're a 'doer', put tape on the handles of the water faucets and the fridge door, etc.

Like I said, all stuff you probably know, but it's important to keep yourself safe!

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Originally posted by SameErtia:
I have to wonder what it was in life that has given you this violent outlook. Someone must have hurt you terribly.

The best hope I can offer is to say that things can get better.
How do you find the right people? First, figure out what values you want in the people around you.
Make a list.
It might read something like
-honesty
-sense of humor
-doesn't mind if I borrow their coffeepot and don't return it for two weeks
etc.
Then, when you meet people, when you bring them into your life, through work, through boards like these, etc, guage them by that list. Think, hey, Ertia fits five out of the eight things on my list, but she hates jazz, so she's right out.

Sure, might miss out on some great friendships just because of a few things that in the end may not have mattered, but you will manage to surround yourself with like-minded people who you can build a foundation of trust with.


And please, don't belittle yourself just because you're having a rough time right now and seeking professional help. You don't feel well, you want to feel better, and a therapist is someone who you pay to help you feel better.

You are worth love, you are worth happiness. And don't let anybody tell you differently!

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Originally posted by zoid:
RiveR6213:

I read the entire thread.

Your initial posts, which you indicated that you wrote while intoxicated, were barely intelligible. You also said you didn't even remember starting them the next day. Loss of memory due to drinking ('blacking out') is a bad thing, if you value your long-term capability to think.

Your subsequent posts -- presumably written while sober, or 'not as drunk' -- were much more readable. Saddening -- to see a fellow human being suffer the way you are -- but much more lucid and exhibiting high vocab and grammar skills.

You shun the notion of hugs or love, but you enjoy exchanging hatred with 'White Supremacists'.

I think you are correct to seek the help of a professional. I also think you are correct to shun the idea of a personal or physical relationship at this point. You already know you have issues that must be dealt with first. That's a good start; now use your strongest characteristic -- your sense of determination -- and follow through.

We love you. Accept that with as much enjoyment as you would the hatred you sometimes seek out. That's one wire you've got to get uncrossed in your head, as soon as possible.



Respectfully,

zoid
_________________________________________________

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

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Hate is a predictable emotion. When someone is behaving in a hateful manner towards me, it is easy to deal with...matter of fact I suddenly understand my place in the universe, I am empowered, and I attack or defend accordingly. Hate is so predictable and it is real. It is something that is SO completely understood by me. Hate is easy. Hate is what has kept me alive for so many years. Hate is the other “White Meat” Hate: It’s what’s for Dinner.

Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

It’s been my experience that love has brought forth more pain and misery to my life than any other emotion, therefore, love is lacking…love does not work for me. Love is a trick, love is a cheat to get me to lower my defenses, so the enemy can attack, which they almost always do, and I have no defense for this…none at all, so I run.

People are experts when it comes to hurting each other. They say that Man’s not perfect, but I say man is perfect at one thing, and that’s making each other miserable. In this I say man is an expert, he is elite at this, which he has demonstrated throughout history time and time again without fail.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

River

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Hate is a predictable emotion...

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

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Originally posted by mal4prez:
Hey River -

As a similarly overly smart overly driven independent type woman, I'm telling you that a lot of what you say is familar.

There's no shame in going to a therapist. It can save your life, at least make it worth living.

Actually, when you think about it, anybody who's ANYBODY has a therapist. It's the thing to do. Especially for overachievers. It'll make you cooler. You can go to cocktail parties and share therapist stories, make friend in an instant. (I know it's hard to tell on the internet, so I should clarify - I'm only kidding about 25% and the rest is serious. Really!)

Go, make an appoinment. Now!

Lots of love (seriously!)
m4p


Ask Dr. Science ... he knows more than you do.
"I have a Master's degree ... in science!"

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Originally posted by singate:

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Hate is a predictable emotion. When someone is behaving in a hateful manner towards me, it is easy to deal with...matter of fact I suddenly understand my place in the universe, I am empowered, and I attack or defend accordingly. Hate is so predictable and it is real. It is something that is SO completely understood by me. Hate is easy. Hate is what has kept me alive for so many years. Hate is the other “White Meat” Hate: It’s what’s for Dinner.

Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

It’s been my experience that love has brought forth more pain and misery to my life than any other emotion, therefore, love is lacking…love does not work for me. Love is a trick, love is a cheat to get me to lower my defenses, so the enemy can attack, which they almost always do, and I have no defense for this…none at all, so I run.

People are experts when it comes to hurting each other. They say that Man’s not perfect, but I say man is perfect at one thing, and that’s making each other miserable. In this I say man is an expert, he is elite at this, which he has demonstrated throughout history time and time again without fail.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

River

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Now you're speaking my language. I am feel compelled to repeat myself: there is nothing wrong with you. The emotions you are feeling are completely natural. Based on the sum of your life experiences how else were you supposed to respond?

The only thing I would disagree with is the statement that you created a machine. This makes it seem like you introduced something artificial into yourself. There couldn't be anything further from the truth. What you have there has been there all along, you just were not paying any attention to it.

Save your money on therapy. The only thing those guys are good for is getting you hooked on so called mood elevators. Then again, you might find a shrink who will analyze you for thirty years and still not solve your "problem".

The best advice I can give is to quit fighting your nature. This is causing you a great deal of stress and is truly self-destructive. The thoughts you have are not hurting anyone, in fact they are probably a good way for you to relieve pressure.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

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Originally posted by zoid:
RiveR6213 wrote, variously:

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Hate is a predictable emotion...

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Yes, hatred is always predictable. It stems from alienation, and its goal is to spread alienation to everyone it touches. Loneliness, paranoia and unhappiness are the only fruits it yields.

You seem to be unhappy -- or 'dissatisfied', if you'd prefer -- with the way your life is heading. The only way your life will change is if you make a conscious decision to take control of your life, and to change your way of thinking. What you're doing now -- clinging to hate and despair like a life raft -- is not working for you; time to do something radically different.

Love involves a lot more risk than hatred. That is also true. But no one ever became successful at anything without taking some risks. Therefore, since you are a successful business woman, I am certain you are familiar with -- and comfortable with -- taking risks that many people would blanch at.

You might say, 'But love is a different type of risk, one that does not yield to reasonable cost-benefit analysis'. (Not to put words in your mouth.) That's absolutely correct. Love is the biggest crap shoot there ever was, precisely because it's entirely to do with emotions, not logical analysis.

But, the same techniques you use to limit risks in business or any other aspect of your life, also apply to love. As in business, retain your own identity. Do not get swallowed and digested into a larger entity; give that same freedom to those who love you. Require it of them. Too many times, two individual people become 'a couple' and lose themselves in the process.

I truly loved Firefly -- in a strictly platonic way -- mostly because of Wash and Zoe's marriage. They were intensely individualistic, in many ways opposite personalities. They both had to give up things that were important to them: Zoe, a child; Wash, being alone with Zoe, for example. But they did so, willingly, out of love for one another, a desire to make the partnership work. (Please note that it didn't mean they didn't still hotly debate these and other issues, all the time.)

That's why I loved their relationship. It's true-to-life. In a healthy relationship, partners don't walk around joined at the forehead; there is push-and-pull, give and take, and two distinct people with their own boundaries can be readily identified.

I must point out though: Romantic love is only one of the many forms of love. The love I feel for my wife is of a significantly different 'flavor' than the love than I feel for my children; than the love I feel for my brother, mother and father (may he rest in peace); and those are different than the love I feel for my fellow human beings. Can it be confusing? Yes. Could I get hurt? Yes.

Would I trade the loving experiences in my life -- even the ones that ended badly -- for all the gold in the world? Not a chance in hell. No other memory in my life is as precious to me as seeing my son and daughter borne into this world by the woman I love, the direct product of our love for one another.

And the bad experiences in my life -- even the horrific ones that no human being should ever have to experience -- have made me the person I am today. I am happy to be that person, and I would not trade places with anyone else, even though I carry painful and shameful memories of my own weakness and stupidity and self-importance, too.

My questions for you:
"What good is all your success if you can't enjoy it, if it makes you so unstable that you terrify yourself?"

"Why do you fear losing your identity and discernment if you allow love -- love of one person, or love of everything in the universe -- into your heart? Indeed, why do you fear anything at all?"

Fear says, "I'm different. People will notice that, and despise me. I'll hate them and distrust them for despising me." Hatred is a reaction to one's own fear, to one's own feelings of inadequacy. It says, "Other people are better than me. They can take away the things that I need, and supplant me in the world. I will kill the Other if it tries to take what I have."

If you can become 'centered' in your little slice of reality -- really see your place in the world, instead of the illusory notion that the universe is centered in you -- you will see there is nothing to fear, and hatred will vanish like a fetid mist. You will look away from hatred, because only those who are blindly cowering in the darkness of their own fear cling to hatred as though it were a warm blanket. Hatred is a poison of the mind and soul.



Respectfully,

zoid

P.S.
I was an alcohol abuser. Shame and rationalization are tough nuts to crack; they don't fight fair. Since I've quit abusing, I can accept myself, faults and all, and have regained my sense of self-worth.
_________________________________________________

"You are sufficient for the world from the day you are born, and it for you." -anonymous

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Originally posted by cartoon:

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Love on the other hand is an unknown to me, but I do know one thing. Love frightens me. Love wipes out all my defenses in one shot. When someone says "I love you" to me, all I want to do is get away from them. All I want to do is run, and run fast. I need to get as far away from that person, or that community as possible. They are dangerous to me, they can hurt me, and they will if I hang around to see what happens next.

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Anyone can say that they "love" someone. Love isn't a word. It's also not a feeling -- emotional (affection) or sexual (lust). It's not a higher form of "liking" someone (enjoyment). It's an action. It's putting someone else before yourself, regardless of who they are, what they do, or how you may benefit from it. One doesn't "fall into" love -- one chooses either to love or not to love. One loves by their actions.

When it comes to "love", words mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words. If someone does what's in your best interest, regardless of the cost to themselves -- *with no hope of ever benefiting from their action on your behalf, then they love you.

(*Unfortunately, people's motives aren't painted on their faces for the world to see, and people can treat you like they love you because they're looking at subsequently getting something from you.)

Be wary of people who say they love you. Be wary of people who act like they love you because there may be something in it for them down the road.

If someone loves you, they won't have to tell you that they love you for you to know it.

Oh. And by the way, if you find it, be sure not to let it get away. (That should go without saying, but I had some room left over, so I decided to tack it on.)

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Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Anyway, I didn’t mean to rant like that. There was a point to be made in here somewhere, but I think I lost it.

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Don't fret. That's what forums are for.

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