The Evil Doctor Again Answers Your Questions... by SimonWho

Oh please. Everyone knows you want to date her, you don't have to ask permission.

She's beautiful and female... what else is there? If men refused to date women just because they were crazy, the species would have ended a long time ago.

Ask her out. The worst that could happen is she'll slice open your guts with her blade, feed them to you and make you choke on what you had for dinner two days ago. Go on, ask her out.

Citizen, fetch the popcorn. This should be good.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 4:15 AM

SAFEAT2ND

Evil Doctor:

The other night I was watching the Hockey game and I kept hearing these background noises. At first all I could make out was Waa wah waawaah wah. And then Blah blah blah. The occasional word did come through though, something about garbage and outside and I'm sure I heard the term fatass being thrown around.

I think the TV is trying to send subliminal messages, What should I do?

__________________________________________________
"Stop doing that thing"
"What thing"
"That thing where your mouth moves and noise comes out"

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 5:06 AM

Oh dear, this is a grave situation indeed. Demonic possession of individual televisions is a rare occurence - they prefer to own the networks themselves (you didn't think Murdoch was human, did you?)

My guess is someone has unleashed a curse on your television, trying to drive you to insanity. Normally this would be a co-worker, family member or, most often, a spouse.

What I suggest is that you tie up and gag your significant other one evening (that's good general advice by the way) then settle down to a full night's television. If you no longer hear murmurings or wailings, you have found your culprit and she will be upstairs, helpless and utterly at your mercy. You know what to do.

Enjoy!

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 5:15 AM

CHRISISALL

Evil Doctor:

Why did Carol-Ann have to run TO the light, then AWAY from the light, then TO the light....

As confused as she was Chrisisall

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 6:02 AM

oh Evil One...

who put the Sham in the Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong...???

those bastards

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 6:05 AM

MAVOURNEEN

Evil Doctor-

My son is 5 years old, and generally not a picky eater.
He has declared he will not eat potatoes, in any way, shape, or form. No French Fries, tater tots, mashed, baked, scallopped, -nothing.

How can the child of an Irish Woman and a Welsh Man NOT like potatoes?

What should I do?
Should I shave his head and look for the numbers "666?"
Is this a sign that the End of Days is near?
Should I wait and see if he grows out of it?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 6:34 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Citizen, fetch the popcorn. This should be good.

We're out off popcorn mathter, but I found thome ear waxth.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 6:47 AM

....IGOR... are you sniffing the kitty litter again...!?!

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 7:04 AM

It'th almotht ripe.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 7:08 AM

MAVOURNEEN

Yes, yes, yes. kitty litter & popcorn.

Where are the answers?

Carol-Ann?
Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong?
Potatoes?

Is the Evil Doctor in?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 8:41 AM

MARINA

Quote:
Originally posted by Mavourneen:
My son is 5 years old, and generally not a picky eater.
He has declared he will not eat potatoes, in any way, shape, or form. No French Fries, tater tots, mashed, baked, scallopped, -nothing.

How can the child of an Irish Woman and a Welsh Man NOT like potatoes?

I'm not the evil doctor but... I've got two Irish parents and I wouldn't eat potatoes until I was a teenager.

UNLESS they were covered in ketchup. I used french fries as a ketchup vehicle, but ended up eating them once they got soggy enough. Can you trick your son the same way?

Don't make faces.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 8:51 AM

DESKTOPHIPPIE

The Evil Doctor is away, but the Naughty Nurse is in

I'm 100% Irish and I'm not exactly fond of potatoes either. Especially mashed potatoes. Can't stand 'em. My Mum tried to get me to eat mince and mash for years and years... never happened. I much prefer pasta and rice.

Oooh! I should get an outfit! *wanders off to find a naughty nurse outfit*

More graphics and animations available at www.desktophippie.com

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 8:54 AM

KURYA

Have you thought about spicing up the potatoes? you can have the potatoes fried in a bit of oil and spices...
Prakash

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:01 AM

SAFEAT2ND

DesktopHippie, CallMeSerenity currently has the "Naughty Nurse" outfit for her alter ego, Nurse Boom Boom McLoverly.

__________________________________________________
"Stop doing that thing"
"What thing"
"That thing where your mouth moves and noise comes out"

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:12 AM

CALLMESERENITY

Yes, I do!

DTH, you can borrow it, if you like!

Though, I'm gonna need it back later tonight!

Serenity,
President of The Juggled Gosling Chatroom
Bride8

http://callmeserenity.livejournal.com/

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:22 AM

Ah, my acolyte. You see those people over there in this thread who are not asking questions? Use this device on them. It won't hurt them for long.

At least not as long as I'd like.

Now then, those that did ask questions...

Chrisisall: Come now, the malevolent spirits knew that if there's one way to really frighten, scare and overwhelm Americans, it is to make them travel great distances without their cars. So "go to the light", "don't go to the light", "go to the light". Wacky fun.

Dayve: The person who put the sham into Shama-lama-ding-dong is a closely guarded secret. I can only tell you he goes by the first names "M. Night" and he is very fond of a certain dance popularised by Chubby Checker.

Mavourneen: Your son is clearly trying to test you. Some parents might force their children to accede to their wishes, others might respect a child's right to choose. But truly the best method here is deceit. From now on, you must only serve your child potatoes and yet he must never know. There is a wide range of artifical flavourings and colours that will assist you in this, plus a little ingenuity will serve you a long way.

Frosties, for example, are small shavings of Maris Piper potatoes, deep fried then coated with sugar. They should of course be served with liquidised white potatoes as a milk substitute, and a glass of sweet potato juice, complete with orange flavouring. If he should comment on the difference in taste, either say they must have a new recipe or imply that you're going to have to put him on Ritalin if he doesn't stop with the smart talk. Give it a couple of years and then reveal your plot to him. While he may weep over your betrayal of his trust, one day he will thank you, even if it is only for visiting him in jail.

Oh, we have naughty nurses do we? I used to date a naughty nurse a while back. The japes we used to have: if you've ever heard of someone who had the wrong leg, arm or nostril removed... that was probably us.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:44 AM

Yeth mathter.

*activates device*

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:49 AM

ah ha.... you have my nostril.... i wants it back, precious.....

and while on the potatoie subject - are you aware that there is a fast food franchise (that will remain nameless...kfc) that actually sells, or at least tries to sell, mashed taters in a cup... ok, so there is also some canned corn, fried chicken bits, cheese and Jombie knows what else in there.... ugh, much?

taters? what's taters precious...?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:13 AM

Could you please state that in the form of a question. State maintenance question...

oh, it's me... ok so something the leprechans asked me when i was a sprout in Indiana has always puzzled me... Doctor, evaulate.... why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air..?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 11:17 AM

KURYA

*OUCH*! you bastard! you killed kenny!!

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 1:14 PM

Dear Doctor,
After gene splicing the giant frog with the DNA lifted and replicated from the pterodactyl fossil (I used a method similar to "reverse and repeat" in sewing when I got to the RNA sequencing), I decided what my creation needed to be truly terrifying was a fluffy tail and a tendency to lick people to death. I was considering a lab/newfie mix two doors down.
Will this suffice, or can you recommend another route?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 2:11 PM

Dayve, porridge birds are named after two terms for imprisonment. To prevent this overshadowing them, they try to live as free as possible and give their offspring the best opportunity to live free as well. However their open air birth policy has resulted in the deaths of 99.993% of their offspring. But you could argue that in those moments between birth and the almost inevitable splattering conclusion, they are the freest free range eggs in the world.

stinkingrose, if you want a terrifying creature, you don't have to mess around with genetics. I mean, take my assistant Citizen.

No, really, take him. Just be finished with whatever scary activities you have in mind by 3AM - he can get cranky without a good 2 hours sleep.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 2:23 PM

I may be a health care worker, but I'm not feeling terribly mischevious tonight.
Can *He* wear the "Naughty Nurse" outfit?
Hairy legs in a tight white minidress has a certain..je ne sais quoi..
Passersby would be sure to stare in horror. Could be fun!

Igor, schluffle this way. We have minds to warp and big haired matrons to frighten.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 2:29 PM

MAI

Dear Doctor,
I spend a lot of time on the computer, particularly on this site. Other people, not THE others, but the normal people have said perhaps it's time I get a life. I think they are just jealous of my insanity and innate nerdiness. Any good comebacks for these evil people?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 2:41 PM

VERSEEXPLORER

Dear Dr. Evil SimonWho,
My pet praying mantis has lost her desire to kill her mates during the mating process. Is there something that I can do to bring back that lust to bite off their heads?

I made a web site to introduce my friends to the 'Verse.
http://web.mac.com/arcadianlc

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 2:49 PM

ZZETTA13

Evil Doctor,

Was that Jerry Mathers who played the post office official in Fireflys "The Message" eps?

Just wondering, Z

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 3:51 PM

Mai, people are always jealous of the deranged. The secret is not to suffer from madness yourself but to make other people suffer instead. In this crazy, crazy universe, sometimes the sanest ones are those who chop their enemies up into tiny little pieces and feed them to squirrels. Not often, but sometimes.

VE, you must help your pet regain her competitive instincts. As in most species, the male preying mantis is a foolish, sexually obsessed idiot, willing to endure anything up to and including death for the chance to have sex. After a while, a female will tire of this and demand more of a challenge.

What you must do to snap her out of this is to introduce another female preying mantis and convert them both to lesbianism (you know, play k.d. lang albums at them, allow adult discussions of homosexuality while they're young, make them watch The Ellen Degeneres Show, all the things that make someone gay). They'll have one great night together but then at the end, when they're both incredibly peckish, esurient, hungry, one will have to eat the other one's head.

After that, all you have to do is convert your pet back to hetrosexuality (I believe there are christian camps which do this) and your problem is solved. Assuming you don't have a headless pet at this juncture.

Zzeta13, no, that wasn't Jerry Mathers in 'The Message' because he died in Vietnam. However network TV execs decided that they could not put the inevitable revival of Leave it to Beaver in jeopardy, therefore they hired an insane scientific genius to resurrect the body for long enough to deny the stories of his death, live on a children's TV show.

Regretably the resurrection process didn't quite take and the Beaver went on the rampage, slaughtering and eating all of the cast and crew of The Electric Company, except for one scriptwriter and his son who had come to watch his father at work that day. The boy apparently overcame his trauma, although you can still see signs of the tragedy in his work.

And as for the insane scientific genius? I'm just fine, thank you.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:02 PM

RMMC

Dear Evil Doctor,

The voices in my head keep telling me to parallel park in the hotel lobby. My friends tell me this would be wrong.

Any ideas on how to shut my friends up?

Sincerely,

Confused

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 9:59 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
I may be a health care worker, but I'm not feeling terribly mischevious tonight.
Can *He* wear the "Naughty Nurse" outfit?
Hairy legs in a tight white minidress has a certain..je ne sais quoi..
Passersby would be sure to stare in horror. Could be fun!

Igor, schluffle this way. We have minds to warp and big haired matrons to frighten.

But my legth are green and thcaley.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RMMC:
Dear Evil Doctor,

The voices in my head keep telling me to parallel park in the hotel lobby. My friends tell me this would be wrong.

Any ideas on how to shut my friends up?

Sincerely,

Confused

When the birdth thing in the morningth the marthter haveth me uthe napalm. thometimeth I uthe the rack on the bigger birdth.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Friday, October 20, 2006 10:55 PM

I remember that time when we put Big Bird on the rack. He squealed so loud we had to break his beak off. Almost a shame that we had to snuff Mr Snuffleupagus to stop him crying. Happy days, happy days.

Anyway, RMMC - parking in the lobby? What's wrong with using a valet? You're not one of those weird people that doesn't like to use others for personal benefit?

Watch. Acolyte? Run over there. Stand on your head. Fall to the floor. Turn round and round. Run into my fist.

See? Hours of fun.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, October 21, 2006 3:35 AM

Alas, Igor, that would have been even better. Sigh.
Had you only shown up last night we could have had such good times to reminisce upon in our twilight years. One night of wanton terror and carnage.
You really should have accepted my invitation.
Now you've hurt my feelings.
I don't like it when others hurt my feelings.
You do realize I'm going to have to exact retribution, don't you?
I must away to find my "naughty kitty" mask and my dissection kit.
Let's see: black leather corsetry and high boots, check. Bone saw, check. Fleam, check. Barbed flail, check. Lab coat, check. I think I'm ready now.

Iiiiigor... OH IIIIIIIGOOOOOORRRRR! Where are you you naughty little henchthing?

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, October 21, 2006 3:55 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Let's see: black leather corsetry and high boots, check. Bone saw, check. Fleam, check. Barbed flail, check. Lab coat, check. I think I'm ready now.

Iiiiigor... OH IIIIIIIGOOOOOORRRRR! Where are you you naughty little henchthing?

Thith thoundth fun. Can I have the flail firtht?

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Saturday, October 21, 2006 7:34 PM

RMMC

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Anyway, RMMC - parking in the lobby? What's wrong with using a valet? You're not one of those weird people that doesn't like to use others for personal benefit?

I find they break too easily even with proper care and maintainence. My former friends tried to point out that valets were suppose to park the car by being in them not under them.

What do they know anyway?

Thanks, Igor for the napalm idea. Worked like a charm.

Evil Doctor, any ideas on how to get scorch marks out of an oriental carpet? It's such a lovely carpet, I'd hate to have to throw it away.

RMMC

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 12:08 AM

I'm sorry RMMC, there is no treatment for that. You're just going to have to skin a fresh set of orientals and make a brand new carpet.

Sharp, focused violence is the key here people. If you don't have precision behind your mania, you'll be regarded as a slapdash psychopath.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 3:54 AM

Chtulu is in the details..

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 6:35 AM

SERYN

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Oh, we have naughty nurses do we? I used to date a naughty nurse a while back. The japes we used to have: if you've ever heard of someone who had the wrong leg, arm or nostril removed... that was probably us.

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
I may be a health care worker, but I'm not feeling terribly mischevious tonight.
Can *He* wear the "Naughty Nurse" outfit?
Hairy legs in a tight white minidress has a certain..je ne sais quoi..
Passersby would be sure to stare in horror. Could be fun!

Igor, schluffle this way. We have minds to warp and big haired matrons to frighten.

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
I remember that time when we put Big Bird on the rack. He squealed so loud we had to break his beak off. Almost a shame that we had to snuff Mr Snuffleupagus to stop him crying. Happy days, happy days.

Anyway, RMMC - parking in the lobby? What's wrong with using a valet? You're not one of those weird people that doesn't like to use others for personal benefit?

Watch. Acolyte? Run over there. Stand on your head. Fall to the floor. Turn round and round. Run into my fist.

See? Hours of fun.

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:

You do realize I'm going to have to exact retribution, don't you?
I must away to find my "naughty kitty" mask and my dissection kit.
Let's see: black leather corsetry and high boots, check. Bone saw, check. Fleam, check. Barbed flail, check. Lab coat, check. I think I'm ready now.

Iiiiigor... OH IIIIIIIGOOOOOORRRRR! Where are you you naughty little henchthing?

*nervous giggle*

Well.. don't mind me, all my questions answered, i'll see my self out...

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 7:30 AM

Marthter one of your victimth, erm, pathientth are try to get away. Thhall I realthe the mutantth?

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 9:01 AM

SERYN

Surely you mean the hounths?

...hounds!

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 9:05 AM

Only if thethe houndth of yourth have thixth legth and three headth.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 9:13 AM

SERYN

Ah...

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 11:18 AM

RMMC

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
I'm sorry RMMC, there is no treatment for that. You're just going to have to skin a fresh set of orientals and make a brand new carpet.

But it took me years to get a six generation family set to make it the first time!

Maybe if I try cloning the left over bits in the freezer from the original donors I can get a new set in a fraction of the time. *!*

Off to the lab. Thanks Evil D!

BTW is Igor for rent? I may need a lab assistant for this.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown.
Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 12:44 PM

Ah, cloning. Because that always turns out well.

And I do need my Igor but that's the thing about Igor's... there's always another one around somewhere.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Sunday, October 22, 2006 12:47 PM

Craftsmanship. Nobody appreciates craftsmanship these days. "Oh I'll just knock off a mass produced batch of skin in the lab" they say. Bah!
You can't duplicate the tan lines, old briar patch encounters, the variations in texture from a bad bout of acne.
Cheap mass produced dross, is that what you really want?
Take the time and do it right, use the best materials you can find. You won't regret it. So you have to travel to a remote mountain village and find a large family? It's a pleasant way to spend a Holiday!

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Monday, October 23, 2006 7:05 AM

CHRISISALL

Evil Doctor, when my son asks me, I tell him President Bush is a fair and decent man, and a good president.
I actually feel quite the opposite, and am attempting to avoid the 'Alex Keaton Syndrome' where kids come out opposite politically from the parents.

Will this work, or will my son simply regard me as an idiot as he gets older?

Torn, oh so torn Chrisisall

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Monday, October 23, 2006 7:18 AM

MSG

Evil Doctor- I can't seem to get rid of this sinus infection. I am considering voodoo. What would be the most effective spell...or should I just sacrafice a student?

I choose to rise instead of fall- U2

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Monday, October 23, 2006 8:01 AM

Ah, reverse psychology. My parents tried that on me Chrisisall. They kept saying things like "Fine, go ahead and burn us to death, see if you feel good about yourself afterwards." And you know what? I had this warm feeling for the rest of the night. Though to be fair, that was likely to be my mother who was fat and therefore smouldered for a long time.

Thankfully there's a very simple method of turning your son against all Republican politicians. Simply take your son on a visit to the House of Representatives, leave him at the party headquarters there and he'll be introduced to a Republican member.

After that, problem solved.

MSG - first of all, I admire anyone who names themselves after a derided food additive. Good for you. Next, voodoo is not to be wasted on mere infections: it is for revenge and the subjugation of your enemies. Look, I will demonstrate. See this doll? Recognise the dumb smile, the cutesy look? We take one pin and...

*listens to the very distant yells*

Ahhhhh... music soothes the trouble soul.

NOTIFY: N | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | TOP | HOME

Monday, October 23, 2006 8:15 AM