Headlines that make you go 'huh.' by Cybersnark

NEWS HEADLINE DISCUSSIONS

Headlines that make you go 'huh.'

POSTED BY: CYBERSNARK
UPDATED: Tuesday, May 3, 2005 17:13
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VIEWED: 4546
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Monday, January 31, 2005 12:32 PM

Lemme insert some levity here. . .

Just logged onto Yahoo to find this in the news section:
Victims face former Ga. crematory operator
( http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&ncid=519&e=3&u=/ap
/20050131/ap_on_re_us/crematory_case --the "actual" headline isn't nearly as wierd-mental-image-inducing though)
(Sounds like a movie waiting to happen. Preferably starring Bruce Campbell.

)

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We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Monday, January 31, 2005 12:40 PM

ZEEK

Personally I'm a fan of a headline in my college newspaper. "Problem causes inconvenience" Well ya don't say?

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Monday, January 31, 2005 2:31 PM

CASUALTY

I've got a book of the world's stupidest headlines! They are quite amuseing. Two of my favorites are,

- "Baker stabbed woman 99 times in self defence"
- "Never withold herpes infection from loved one"

They make me chuckle even now.

"If nothing we do means anything then the only thing that means anything is what we do"

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Monday, January 31, 2005 2:34 PM

MONTANAGIRL

Ok, it's not a headline, but it went something like this: Registration fee for the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

Packer fans welcome.
All others tolerated.

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Friday, February 4, 2005 6:15 AM

CYBERSNARK

And some new ones, courtesy of Fortean Times' "Extra Extra" section:

Panda to Promote Nature Conservation Bangkok Post, 27 Oct 03.

Satan Scores 4 for Sabres Minneapolis Star Tribune, 17 Feb 04.
(Didn't even realize he was a fan.)

Unsafe Driving Scheme Expanded Countrywide Irish Times, 19 Feb 04.
(I should pass this on to mom before she visits Ireland this year.)

Marconi Has Come Back From The Dead D.Mail, 21 Feb 04.
(Wha-huh?)

Young Germans Embrace Ants Jakarta Post, 26 Feb 04.

Cleric Accepts Temporary Body Scotsman, 27 Feb 04.
(What happened to the old one?)

Skydiver Injures Beer Vendor At Bike Week Coleslaw Wrestling Associated Press, 12 Mar 04.
(. . . The hell?)

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Friday, February 18, 2005 7:54 AM

THATWEIRDGIRL

Quote:
Originally posted by Cybersnark:
Skydiver Injures Beer Vendor At Bike Week Coleslaw Wrestling Associated Press, 12 Mar 04.
(. . . The hell?)

I was in a terrible mood today, then I read your happy little headline. I'll be laughing for hours. Thanks.

www.thatweirdgirl.com
---
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
--Samuel Johnson

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Friday, February 18, 2005 8:09 AM

EST120

Quote:
Originally posted by Cybersnark:
Skydiver Injures Beer Vendor At Bike Week Coleslaw Wrestling Associated Press, 12 Mar 04.
(. . . The hell?)

that is TOO funny. that falls in the category of "strangest sentences of all time".

here are some ones that someone sent me in a e-mail:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

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Sunday, February 20, 2005 6:47 AM

ANOTHERFIREFLYFAN

Those are so incredibly funny

Keep flying

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Sunday, February 20, 2005 10:37 AM

TMURRIE

"Speed camera van caught speeding"

"The woman known as Britain's "cannabis gran" explains why she eats marijuana five times a day - and why she'll keep on doing it despite the threat of a jail term."

"Boy pretending to be father, attempts to adopt himself on eBay"

"Woman, saved by lung transplant, later dies because lung was infected with rabies"

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005 7:45 AM

LETOV

I actually bought a "day of the year" calendar on clearance this year which is all about odd news stories. I love some of these headlines:

"Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire"

"Teachers Strike Idle Kids"

"Local Boy Found Lost"

"Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe"

"Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years"

and my favorite so far-
"March Planned for June of This Year"

- Leto_V

"Well, my days of not taking you
seriously are certainly coming to
a middle." - Mal

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005 8:31 AM

GREENBANDIT

This morning I looked at my University's newspaper, and saw the headline "Bill could help rape victims".

I'm not sure whether a nice guy named Bill is giving aid to victims of rape, or whether a not so nice guy, also named Bill, is going to help others rape their victims, or whether a potential peice of legislation is going to hep people rape their victims. I suppose they could have meant that the proposed peice of legislation is going to give aid to people who have been victims of rape, but that sounds a little far-fetched.

"Everybody's making a fuss."

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Tuesday, May 3, 2005 1:13 PM

CYBERSNARK

Resurrecting this thread, upon learning:

England Oxygen-Deprived at Birth
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050503/ap_on_re_us/prisoner_abuse_england
It wasn't until I clicked the full-story link that I realized "England" could be a person's name.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

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Tuesday, May 3, 2005 4:45 PM

MANWITHPEZ

Important people don't do field work.

These aren't headlines, but they made me laugh...Its well known in the military aircraft community that Maintenance and Pilots don't get along that well. I mean, I never really had any problems with them, but I guess some people do. In the Air Force, we're required to fill out paperwork for EVERYTHING...There are even (especially) aircraft maintenance forms to document everything...and I mean everything we do to a plane. The pilots are required from time to time to enter things as well, to help with the maintenance process...Here are some entries from pilots, followed by the requisite entries from the maintenance personnel who followed up.

Pilot: Dead Bugs on Cockpit Windshield

Maintainer: Dead Bugs Removed, Live Bugs Reinstalled

Pilot: Aircraft Doesn't (incomplete entry)

Maintainer: Aircraft Does Now

Pilot: Something Loose in Cockpit

Maintainer: Something Tightened in Cockpit

Pilot: Left Inside Main Tire Almost Needs Replacement

Maintainer: Almost Replaced Left Inside Main Tire

Pilot: Noise Behind Left Panels. Sounds Like A Little Man With A Hammer

Maintainer: Took Hammer From Little Man

Pilot: Target Radar Hums

Maintainer: Reprogrammed Target Radar With The Words

Pilot: Test Flight OK, Except Autoland Very Rough

Maintainer: Autoland Not Installed On This Aircraft

I suspect most of these are some kind of Air Force urban legend made up to help maintainers feel better about their jobs. But, I've seen some dodgy forms entries, and these always come to mind...Must...Not...Be...A...Smartass! Especially to someone who could squash my career into oblivion!!! Enjoy!

Kaylee: "What's so damn important about being proper? It don't mean nothing out here in the black."
Simon: "It means more out here. It's all I have..."

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Tuesday, May 3, 2005 4:54 PM

CALLMEATH

Every time I went to check my e-mail today, this was on the MSN page:

"Theory on exploding toads"

I'm scared.

"Invader's blood marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants. The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!"

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Tuesday, May 3, 2005 5:13 PM

RUE

I have a vote and I'm not afraid to use it!

Quote:
http://tvnz.co.nz/view/news_world_story_skin/471543%3fformat=html
US shoots dead Iraqi prisoners

There was an earlier one along the same line that went "US Troops Shoot Dead Iraqi General", which has since been archived on all regular news sites.

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