what your cat/dog does that makes you want to kill it. by boris

TALK STORY

what your cat/dog does that makes you want to kill it.

POSTED BY: BORIS
UPDATED: Saturday, October 13, 2007 19:29
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VIEWED: 3717
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Tuesday, October 9, 2007 9:13 PM

Theo the cat, who I love to bits, got right up my nose by banging on my window at 3 oclock this morning. I tried to ignore him but then he started yowling, which made all the neighbour's dogs bark.. I got up and went outside to let him in...and he just wanted to play. so I said some angry things he interpreted as "ooh yeah game on!"and attacked my bare legs, and well aaagh!!!also not happy that he feels the need to shred only my bedroom fly screen, when there are plenty of others to choose from.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 1:36 AM

FILLYGIRL

Operative: "Its worse than you know..." Mal: "It usually is."

yea, I know,.....mine walks between my legs and I swear to God he's trying to trip me.....especially when I'm heading to the bathroom(litter box).

Chaplain of the 76th Independant Battalion

...it's worse than you know...Operative
...it usually is.....Mal

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 2:04 AM

PENGUIN

Quote:
Originally posted by fillygirl:
yea, I know,.....mine walks between my legs and I swear to God he's trying to trip me.....especially when I'm heading to the bathroom (litter box).

Maybe he has an insurance policy on you!

King of the Mythical Land that is Iowa

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 2:15 AM

FILLYGIRL

Operative: "Its worse than you know..." Mal: "It usually is."

Ya know Penguin, I'm sure your right,...now it makes sense. Just because I won't buy him Fancy Feast!

Chaplain of the 76th Independant Battalion

...it's worse than you know...Operative
...it usually is.....Mal

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 2:08 PM

BSCPANTHERFAN

My cat owned the basement of the house I lived in, and allowed me to visit on occasion to service her food and water needs and clean out her litterbox. Sometimes, she would allow herself to be petted, but only if you knew she was allowing it. If I was ever slow about taking care of her needs, she would wait until I was due home from work (the basement door opened into the basement from outside), and she would leave a "present" just inside the door, then stand about six feet away and watch me make a mess just by opening the door to come in. She would then sniff, turn around and stalk off.

She lived for 18 years, and I still miss my kitty.She had style!

So who is he?
He's my husband.
Well who in the damn galaxy ain't!

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 6:44 PM

DEEPLYKIDDING

How about waking up at 3am to a cat yorkin' on you? Or finding a similar present with your bare feet as you stumble to the bathroom in the dark? These are my gifts from Cat A.

Cat B works on a totally different level. Cat A has a tummy problem and does not do these things maliciously. Cat B, however, thinks he is the king of Londinium, shiny hat and all. 6am means time to be fed. Human is still sleeping, so Cat B walks around on human's pillow, then pulls hair with claws. When afternoon rolls around and its time to be fed again, Cat B will give human the evil eye and do everything to get directly in human's eye sight until wet food is dispensed. This includes climbing on human's lap and walking on laptop keyboard.

And yet not only do I allow them to live in my house, I buy them food and toys, take care of all their medical needs, and even clean up their poop!!! I'm such a sucker...

I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass...

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 7:25 PM

FINN MAC CUMHAL

My cat pukes. My cat pukes and craps. Now the crapping is bad enough, because I’m usually the one who has to clean up the litter box, but at least the crap goes into the litter box. The puke just goes any damn place. I live in constant fear of waking up in the morning and stepping off the bed into a wad of warm partially digested Purina. And sometimes there are hairballs, which are a real joy too. And if the hair isn’t coming out of this cat from one end or the other, it’s falling off in golf ball sized wads or coating the surface of all my suits. Cat hair weaves its way into fabric like it’s some kind of fibrous Borg assimilating all my suits, drapes and bed sheets. If I let it, it would gradually redecorate my whole house in shag. There is so much stuff coming off of or out of this cat that I don’t understand why it doesn’t just dissolve.

And if it doesn’t get fed at 5:33.56 AM on the millisecond on Saturday morning, it jumps up on the bed and starts head-butting me like a goat, until I get up. I learned the hard way not to kick it, because it latches onto my foot and rips my flesh off as it slides off the bed. And last night I discovered it likes my wintergreen gum. It got all wacky and started trying to stick its face in my mouth to get the gum – what the hell kind of cat does that!

Nihil est incertius vulgo, nihil obscurius voluntate hominum, nihil fallacius ratione tota comitiorum.

Nothing is more unpredictable than the mob, nothing more obscure than public opinion, nothing more deceptive than the whole political system.

-- Cicero

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007 9:57 PM

BORIS

God! My cat is so boring and well behaved compared to all of yours. the worst thing he does apart from the early morning wake ups,is he sprays inside.so he has to be supervised indoors. he's a clown. he loves a bath, has apparently been seen taking the odd dip in the neighbour's pool on a hot day. he bites but not hard, and doesn't scratch,he chases birds but doesn't catch them. and he is on a constant quest to make us play combat with him. the neighbours think I'm a freak for doing it. our old cat was his polar opposite, and we miss him anyway.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007 2:55 AM

SPACEANJL

Notice that this has become a catcentric thread?

I think cats are essentially Browncoats. Independent, quirky individualists.

Your basic dog is Alliance. Rolls over for the Man.

My cat has not sussed that he is getting too old and slow to fight anything within reach.

Also, with the sick, the shedding, the underfoot at inconvenient moments, the picky food habits, the yowling...

But then when you feel ill, he'll come and just scooch up and put his head on your knee.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007 4:37 AM

HOPERULES

Well, I own dog that is loyal and tough, two qualities that I think are essentially Browncoat (you know the "find someone to carry you" part). He also barks loudly just to get attention especially while I'm on the phone. It has made me want to shoot him on occasion.

May have been on the losing side, still not convinced it was the wrong one.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007 5:05 AM

TINADOLL

Well my dog (Sandie...When she was alive)

Use to walk into the room,wag her tail and FART (loud and smelly) and then leave.

I miss her

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Friday, October 12, 2007 12:08 AM

SPACEANJL

On the farting...the cat let fly a real belter the other day - and then turned and looked at my husband with that expression of outraged disdain that you so need the whiskers to carry off...

He also likes freshly washed cars. Then he can claw his way up the bonnet (hood) with muddy paws and curl up on the warm bit. Kinda like a mascot - the Spirit of Indolence, maybe. (Incidentally, this is not always our car.)

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Friday, October 12, 2007 3:58 AM

BSCPANTHERFAN

I think the things we are writing about in this thread are just proving the old saying:

Dogs have owners, and cats have staff!

So who is he?
He's my husband.
Well who in the damn galaxy ain't!

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Friday, October 12, 2007 4:53 AM

WHISPER

Ain't that the truth!

My cat, Drogyn, has me so well trained when it comes to food time. He knows just the thing to do to get me out of bed to feed him. He will paw at the drawer handles on the bedside table, making them clank and clack against the wood. Drives me insane! When I wake up to shoo him away, he'll back just out of reach, stare demandingly at me and meow as loud as he can. If I ignore him and go back to sleep, he does it all over again.

My youngest cat, gets what I call Kitty Krazies. He will at any time, puff his fur, dilate his eyes and run around like a bat outta hell. His signature move is to try to climb a doorframe! Seriously, he'll go and sit beside one and then boing! up the frame he goes!
This cat also fetches, but to the point it can be very irritating. If he brings you a toy, you better throw it for him or he will kill you with affection (headbutting, rubbing, and getting in the way of whatever it is that you are actually trying to do.) He will do this for HOURS on end. I call him my wannabe border collie!

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 12:23 AM

FREMDFIRMA

Six, yes, count em, SIX cats.

Our second youngest, Squirmy, does the fetch thing, to exasperating degree, with milk rings, and here's the rub, if you deliberately throw it out of reach or she loses it (she's three legged and badly nearsighted from a near fatal car incident before we got her) she will STILL bring one back - apparently she keeps a stock of them under the corner of the rug behind the front door.

Ghoster is our eternal kitten, a big fat fluffy white poohead who loves to play, thus annoying the piss out of the more dignified cats, and curl up about your ankles, seems her highest aspiration is to be a pair of fuzzy slippers in her next life - she also sheds when nervous, and I don't mean a little, we're talkin full on explod-a-kitty to the point of the vet asking us through the cloud "Is this NORMAL for this cat ?".

Kallista is the cat version of Niska, or Brando, madame godfather, sits back and gets the others to do her dirty work - and has recently discovered she can open lever type doors, which most of our indoor ones are, by the jump and hang method - scary smart for a cat, to a downright creepifying degree.

Mostly it's the usual kitty annoyances, and heavens be how can puny little critters make THAT much noise charging up and down the stairs every morning at 7am...

And they start swarming with pathetic little starving kitty gigs when that food bowl hits about a third.

Worst of show would have to be Squirmy, if you're asleep when she wants to play, she will slam her little head into the back of your heel, and then holding it up against you, walk slowly up your whole freakin body till about your shoulders, and then turn around and do it again in the other direction... and if this fails, will begin to nip at exposed extremities, being especially particular to elbows, and not tiny front tooth nips, noo.. she'll run her side teeth into you so she can get some leverage in there and CHOMP.

If she wasn't so cute and adoreable, I'd throttle her.

-Frem

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 11:49 AM

GORRAMNREEVER

I have 5 Feline Fur-Bearing Eating Machines....All named from characters in Pulp Fiction. All with different quirks. Dunno which is worse.....you tell me.

Grace: She likes to chunder at will...needs no inspiration or reason. Weighs about as much as a Racquetball....think she is Annorexic. Sleeps with one eye open, rather unsettling if you ask me. Call her name and she snarls like Billy Idol.

Brad: Flippin fat ass orange cat....20+ pounds....should have been named Silent Bob, but it didn't fit the trend. Another devout puker, however he eats his weight in Little Friskies then deposits said feast in kitchen area for our dining pleasure. Definitely Bulemic....needs a Cat Chow intervention. When Kitty Box is not to liking, drops human size dookies just outside box as if to say "Clean this joint human or I am eating you next"

Jodi: Definitely a Meth head......will tweak all night long while House Humans are trying to sleep. Bed doubles as backstretch at Talladega Motor Speedway and cat has been clocked at over 190mph....could probably win the pole in next race. Long black hair is normally a blur, sheds in flight...vapor trail of fur ensues. Not a puker, normally freebases Kitten Chow and spends next 2 hours pretending tail is on fire. Speed Kills!

Mia: Newest of the Clan....was seperated from milk producing unit at early age. I Couldn't sleep without a shirt for fear of waking up with a kitten welded to my man-boob! ~Creeeeepy!~ She is absolutely positive that everything is out to get her, to include shoes, towels, TV remotes, etc. Might be getting cocaine from tweaker kitty, would expliain hightened paranoia.....must look into this. Has no qualms about letting you know when she is hungry. Will make every attempt to crawl up your nostrils when you're sleeping to usher in the food delivery. Has a never ending vendetta against Methkitty and will attack with no advanced warning. Probably not good since tweaker is already on the edge to begin with. Do they have Kitty Valium?

Fabienne: (Outdoor Kitty) Not much is known about this inhabitant of the Outer Realms. Just showed up and staked her claim. Arrives for food, water and mandatory human attention then apparently disappears to fight crime under a super disguise....haven't seen a cape yet, but I will be watching. Used to have strays around the house, but since her appearance they have "disappeared". Could quite possibly have "Mob" connections and rival kitties have met with "accidents". Either scenario is plausible. Think the squrrels from the Pecan Union (Local 406) may have a plan to handle the outlander, seen having gatherings near the birdbath ....this could get ugly and escelate quickly. (note to self: install shutters)

There you have the "pride" that rules my house....I am merely allowed to live as a caretaker evidently. If they stop eating and puking for 5 seconds I may start to fear for my life.....I sense impending doom. ~activates distress beacon~

"Liberate Tutemet"

......I brought the Grenades.

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 1:14 PM

CAPTAINCOUPI

Cat 1, Fredo, sits at the bottom of the stairs at 3am and yowls till you come to see whats up. Then runs off and hides. He's also a lover of climbing up the curtains and slowly ripping out the weave of the fabric.

Cat 2, Sonny, is a bit more simple, he's fond of getting ALL the cat toys out an leaving them strewn around the house. I packed away all of the toy mice the other day and within an hour they were all over the place again.

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Say Thanks to Universal for the BDM at www.bigdamnthankyou.com

nusquam in ut nusquam

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 5:56 PM

BORIS

years ago I went with a friend to visit her Grandma. granny knew I was a cat person, and couldn't wait to introduce me to her cat Fluffy. so she went to get him, and my friend started giggling. I imagined the cat to be small cute and fluffy. Grandma knocks on the door and yells "quick let me in I've got him" she's huffing and puffing, I opened the door and sweet little lady was holding a mostly black cat the size of a Puma! she put him down and he sat next to her. then I got introduced so that he would know not to attack me! A few weeks earlier, two men had tried to burgle the house, and the cat took them both out! his preferred toys were used tires. you'd throw one across the yard, and he'd shred it. everyday Fluffy jumped over the fence next door, and would gently pick up the neighbours little dog and cat, and bring them over to grandma's house to sit in the shade, and share his water.

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 6:55 PM

SWEETSERENDIPITY

Ok, some of y'all know my hellhound Zeke. 104 lb boxer, scourge of anything that moves in the neighborhood. Must bark at everyone, old ladies, babies, walkers, bikers, dogs, cats, squirrels, you name it. Likes to bark and drag the covers off of me and turn rugs over.

Max, 20+ lb long haired kitty, mean and evil. Chases my old lady kitty around causing screaming fights at all hours. Likes to jump into a small space under a corner table where my modem cords are...

Misty, my oldster at 18. Snobby about her wet food. Walks on my keyboard. Will pee in the shower over the drain if litter box is too full.

Not a one of the three can manage to puke on anything but rug. Wouldn't give any of them up.

Deb

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Saturday, October 13, 2007 7:29 PM

BORIS

Our deceased cat Ellery, my best friend. He was only 13 when he died and even till the last hour of his life he shakily stood in front of the microwave so we would heat his milk..strange thing about that is that we never engaged in that practice. it was something a friend did for him for three days, and he lived in hope of it happening for the following two years! Ellery is credited in my family, for waking up human like emotions in me other than anger, I was kinda cold until he showed me how to work people. Pet therapy really does work.

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