The Bravest Thing By Nailani Williams

Disclaimer: No Copyright Infringement intended so Joss put down the Sword of Truth!

Summary: Taking place after the BDM. Jayne and Zoe, pairing. Jayne’s secret personal grief from his past ends up pushing him closer to Zoe than he could ever imagine.

Rating: PG-13 (as of now)

A/N: This is non-canon pairing of Jayne\Zoe, there’s no sex in this part but there might be soon of course all NC-17 parts will be marked.

Enjoy the read and of course all feed back is appreciated!

~

Jayne:

The ship was like a coffin, quiet and cold.

I was glad it was still my home after the beating it took from the Alliance and Reavers, but I couldn’t help thinking that though my home was still here, it ain’t really the home I remembered. I wasn’t much for staying anywhere too long. Even when I got on this boat I knew there’d be a day I’d decided it was time to go. I thought that day was the day I planned to hand the Tam’s back over to the Alliance on Ariel. But after I seen what they did to River…Well, no one, not even Crazy, deserved to go back to that.

I had thoughts of leaving after blowing up with Mal about bringing the Tams on the boat after the girl went apeshit at Maidenhead. Then Haven happened I was committed after that, especially after Book. The Shepard was the closes thing I had…we all had to a Father. He was the only one willing to see past all my go se. He was also the only one I didn’t try to bullshit. It was his loss that I felt the most everyday.

Miranda…that Gorram desolated rock full o’ corpses and Reaver’s still haunted my dreams. It seemed that nightmare left the girl’s brainpan and was placed in all of ours. When Wash died at Mr. Universe’s, well that was one more thing that sucked the life out from the crew. Zoe’s eyes lost that sparkle she had every time he spoke or looked at her. Supper was so silent, now, no more random teasing or witty comments or senseless jokes. I never thought I’d miss it till it weren’t there.

The only thing to come out of our losses were the rebirth of River. God, she had changed so much. It were six months since Miranda and she talks now like she never been feng le a day. Sometimes we sit up and talk for hours or I’d be smoking a cigar playing my guitar on the couch in the common area and she’d be dancing.

We had an understanding now, me and her. She can ask me a question and I’ll answer it as honestly as I know how, as long as she don’t dig into my brainpan for any secrets. Sometimes she slips, but I forgive her because I know sometimes the emotions are too much to block.

Kaylee and Simon were in love and spilling that love over into to every corner o’ this ship, but they try to stay out of Zoe’s way if they can. Mal and Inara, fight one day and then disappear into her shuttle the next. All seems well. Too well. Well enough that that little voice in my head is starting up again. That voice telling me it’s time to go. So I sit in my bunk plucking on my guitar contemplating whether to tell Mal if I’m off this boat or if I stay.

It was getting too close to an uncomfortable time for me to be here and out of nowhere I feel the sudden clenching pain in my heart. Last year, I had Book, I talked this time out with him and he set me straight. Now it’s just me and I’m alone with my ghosts.

And I know what you might be thinking. Six months ago, you would have died with any of these people Jayne. Why don’t you feel good about sharing your past with ‘em? And my answer to that is simple. I would died with anyone, I‘m a mercenary and death won’t hold out for particulars. But sharing my deepest pain with people who think I’m nothing, but muscle and a sawed off shot gun…wasn’t gonna happen.

~ Zoe:

I knew I was mourning. Every night I tossed and turned cause my body couldn’t figure how to adjust to sleep without Wash being besides me. I felt breathless everyday and the only moment I felt was okay was when Mal and I was talking business and even that was short lived. Because the fact of it all was that I wasn’t okay, and I knew it’d be a while before I was truly okay, but I was taking baby steps.

Then there’s Jayne Cobb…

Jayne don’t think I noticed him, but I do. He’s hard to miss, and is usually the biggest and loudest thing in the room. The reason I began noticing Jayne was mainly because he seemed to be moping around more than I was and it was pissing me off. I knew my thinking was less than rational, but I was angry at him. What did he have to be sad about? Who did he lose six months ago? Book? I knew it wasn’t Wash he missed because he could barely tolerate him. So what had Jayne so glum?

I watched him as he enter the dining area. I couldn’t help, but stare daggers at him. He looked at me and then looked away, his blues eyes had a silent sorrow in them that I pieced together and recognized. He lost someone close to him, but it wasn’t Book or Wash. It was someone in his past.

River slinked into the kitchen behind Jayne I knew what she was going to do before she did it. Jayne had just placed a biscuit on his plate and place his plate down on the counter two seconds before River pilfered it, running back into the bridge before Jayne could yell at her, but he didn’t yell. He just grinned a little and got another biscuit without a groan or grumble.

“Weird,” Kaylee said next to me at the table. “he’s been quiet lately, I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I,” I said, suddenly a little concerned.

“Maybe he decided to do more thinking before he speaks …it might take awhile,” Simon joked, laughing and Kaylee smack him on his leg.

Mal and Inara never made it to dinner so we ate without them. Jayne was brooding the whole entire meal and Kaylee and Simon were playing footsie under the table. I wouldn’t have noticed them if Simon didn’t go mistaking her foot for mine’s. But all in all supper was quiet as usual, no more of my husband’s stories about how we fell in love. Or his quirky remarks. I still felt as if I could feel him next to me.

I watched as Kaylee and Simon quickly excused themselves to play footsie elsewhere. Jayne and I cleared the table. He was quietly washing the dishes when I touched his arm.

“You okay?” I asked and he looked at me for a long minute.

“I don’t know,” he whispered and I nodded. Right then and there, I knew exactly how he felt.