Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I’m not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

A/N: I strongly recommend that you read "Sunday's Child", "Deeper Than Bone" and "Fear Is In Us All", found by clicking on my name above.

A/N #2: thanks to hisgoodgirl for the beta. You rock!

You smiled at me. It wasn’t the smile you gave to the Captain or to Inara. It was the one for me. I learned to recognise it very quickly; you offered it so freely to me so often I would had to have been blind to miss it. I may have been blind about you for a long time, but not about that. That smile was joy and happiness and a little mix of awe.

I know I tend to put people off. I’d said as much to Zoe at the Bessie exhibit. Did you ever forgive me for that? I always wondered.

Talking to girls, to women, was just so difficult for me. So much of my life was devoted to learning and school that I had little time to learn the finer social intricacies. I’m sure that my mother was disappointed, but she doesn’t count anymore.

Not until I met you did I permit myself explore the emotion of love for a woman. After Miranda, it became natural. We had shared so much in that short time. Both of us came so remarkably close to death, shadowed it, that we couldn’t help but be different. You came to me and I allowed myself to welcome you. You allowed me into your sanctuary and I worshipped.

Here, now, though, I have nowhere to go. The med lab was is painfully empty and sterile. I am continually cold and fear that I will never be warm again. I think I understand Zoe better now.

The Captain’s voice announcing dinner made me drop my vial and I watched the shattered pieces of glass splay across the floor. I knelt and began gathering them, not thinking to sweep them up. A moment later, I was holding my finger to my mouth to capture the blood.

No one commented on my bandaged finger; I doubt anyone even noticed. Talk was light, superficial and I missed most of it. Your chair was empty, again.

“Doc?”

I jerked my head to the end of the table and Mal’s expectant face. “Yes?”

Mal eyed me, then continued. “Think you can convince your sister?”

“Of what?”

He got that look then, the one he uses when he has to repeat himself or is speaking to an idiot. “To leave the engine room and come earn her pay on the job I got lined up?”

I scratched at my ear. “I’ll try, Captain, but River can be stubborn sometimes.”

“That’s why I’m asking you, Doc. Figure you might have more pull than captains giving orders.” It was funny to think that not even Mal could get River out of the engine room. She loved it in there, had said it was quiet. That had left Mal and Zoe to do most of the piloting. On occasion, she would remove herself and pull off some sort of miracle to get the ship down, otherwise, she stayed put.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I sighed.

Mal nodded once then finished his meal. We all did. The table had become so silent that it was nearly painful to eat. Mal had tried, earlier, to bring out some sort of conversation, but with River in the engine room, Zoe being as close-mouthed as ever and Jayne, well seeing as it was Jayne the untrained ape (I’m sorry, bao bei. You’re right. That wasn’t nice.), conversation had pretty much ground to a halt. Only when Inara was with us did we get any wordplay. Even that was dimmed.

It was my turn to clean up and I was once again alone. Funny how I had spent the first eight months aboard Serenity wanting nothing more than to be left alone and now all I wanted was to be surrounded by people. By you.

The ship was bucking a little as we began our landing. Given that River hadn’t scampered to the cockpit, I assumed that we would be safely touching ground. Opening a cabinet, I moved to put away a glass when another shake jarred me. The mug in the cabinet rolled forward and was set to crash to the floor when I saw the large hand grab it. The speed astounded me and I looked left to see Jayne, cradling that mug. His face was soft and pained. Looking at the cup, I understood why.

It was one of the cheapest pieces of china I had ever laid eyes on. The garish flowers hurt my eyes and there was no sense of design in the vine that was painted around the circumference. It was one of those pieces that was trying to look expensive and failed miserably.

You had loved that thing.

“Thanks,” I said quietly and reached for it. Jayne lifted his head and I wondered for a moment if he was going to kill me. He looked as though I was trying to steal his first born child. He blinked then held his hand out. “Thanks,” I repeated. “She’d have killed me if I had let this break.” Oh God.

It’s so easy to forget that you’re not here. Please, forgive me if it happens.

Jayne pulled the blue bottle from his locker and lumbered his way to his bunk, the ritual repeated again tonight.

The ship shook again and River came bounding through the galley towards the bridge. I realised that our landing might be less than comfortable. Mal’s voice over the comm confirmed it when he told us to strap in.

Don’t worry, qing ren, your girl will make it through. Just like always.