Beware the Bored Teen
Sunday, March 18, 2007

Mal and Jayne experience something together (not what you're thinking). Set post-BDM. Warning for some harsh-ish language.


Disclaimer: all things Firefly/Serenity are the property of Whedon et al. I’m not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

“Go away.”

A low grunt sounded next to him.

“Fun is comin’. Now stop your grumblin’.”

Another grunt.

Mal snapped his eyes open and looked around him. He could have sworn he’d felt some little bug thing flitting about his face and when smacking it didn’t work, he just told it to leave.

But then it talked.


Carefully turning his head, the Captain could see the mule lying at an awkward angle with a faint bit of smoke rising from the engine. He shut his eyes remembering how he’d been flying along just fine, a light flashed on the console and then the sky became ground and the ground became sky.

Ta ma de.

“Jayne?” he croaked. His throat was very dry.

Grunt. “What?”

“You okay?”


Mal rose up onto his elbows, his body protesting. When did it get light out? “Jayne, you hun dun, what’s wrong?” The Captain blinked a few times to try to clear out the pounding that was building inside his brain.

“Come with me and you’ll soon see!”


A little man, corn cob pipe and big green pants, bounded up to him. “Come with me and we’ll be free!” The thing had an accent, kinda like Badger’s, but more sing-songy.

“What in the seven hells...”

“Up and over th’hills, we’ll fly away, without anymore spills!” It was dancing some little gig on the Captain’s legs.

Mal heard the shifting of sand and dirt and could see Jayne slowly begin to rise. “Fucking mule crashed. ‘Course I ain’t okay.” He stood a little wobbly, shook his head and winced. “Yesu.”

“Hurry, hurry! Can’t be late. Don’t want to miss our date.” The little green thing was grabbing at Mal’s hand, dragging him into a sitting position.

“You reckon on how far- Holy shit!” Jayne stumbled back, only now seeing the green panted man tugging on Mal’s hand. He grabbed for his gun.

“Liar, liar. Gun won’t fire.”

Jayne’s eyes widened and he blinked hard.

“Put your gun away, Jayne, ‘fore you shoot me.”

Only slowly did Jayne comply. “What the diyu is that?”

“Danny’s the name. Time for a game.” It jumped off Mal, ran forward a little, then took a deep bow. “Over the hills we go. Can’t say no.” With a twinkle in his eye, he tapped his nose then vanished.

Both men stared at the now vacant spot then looked to each other.

“Off in a dash or you lose the cash,” the sing-song voice sounded in the air.

The light wind was the only sound for a minute.

“That what I...”

Mal nodded. “Uh-huh.”

Calmly, they began to walk.

“No. No. That’s the wrong way to go.” The tiny man re-appeared. “Follow me and you’ll see.” He disappeared again only to reappear to their right some few yards away. “Don’t get a soak, slow poke.”

The distant sound of thunder emphasised the point. With a shrug, Mal headed off the direction the little man had said. Jayne frowned, but followed. Every few hundred feet, the creature would appear and keep them on the path.

When the first drops of rain splattered down, the men picked up their pace. Shortly, they crossed the hill and found Serenity sitting placidly. Zoe was standing on the ramp scanning the horizon.

“Now you’re home, safe and sound. No more falling to the ground.”

“See, now that weren’t exactly the plan,” Mal admonished, looking down. “Wasn’t my fault the whats-it blew.”

“Yeah,” Jayne added.

Mal glared at his public relations man.

“Sir?” Zoe stood next to the pair now. “Are you alright?”

The Captain jerked a finger towards the ground. “Ask him. He seems the expert.”

Zoe gazed at empty space then over to Jayne. She lifted an eyebrow at the Captain. “Jayne?” She was using her ‘I’m speaking to an idiot’ voice.

Mal’s face tightened. “No. The little guy with the green pants and...”

The creature was gone again.

“Sir, how much did you and Jayne drink last night?”

“We weren’t drunk.” He slapped the merc in the chest. “Tell her.”

Jayne only shrugged. Might explain the thing, he reckoned. And account for the crashed mule. He sniggered. Kaylee was going to rip Mal something fierce she finds out what happened to it.

“Yes, sir.” The First Mate turned to walk back up the ramp.

“I’m telling you, we were not drunk.” He followed after her in a vain bid to get her to believe him.

Jayne lumbered up behind them and spotted River sitting on the catwalk, looking quite pleased with herself. He narrowed his eyes. “That was you?”

She slapped a hand over her mouth and giggled. “Bored. Needed something fun.”

“So you figured on makin’ Mal look the fool, huh?” He chuckled himself. Kinda funny, he supposed. “He weren’t real, that little leprechauny thing?”

River’s grin widened and she tapped her finger to her head.

Jayne paused. “You knew we was in trouble?”

She nodded.

He huffed loudly. Didn’t much like thanking the Crazy for her help. Who knows what might have happened with the lightning and metal vehicle so close and them lost like they were. He looked up to the catwalk and gave a nod.

River tilted her head. “Welcome.”


Sunday, March 18, 2007 7:24 AM


Cute. Nice fic for St. Paddy's day!

Sunday, March 18, 2007 8:36 AM


this was adorable! loved it! thank you much for the joy received at this end!

Sunday, March 18, 2007 9:00 AM


Oh shit...that was hilarious! Utterly and completely friggin' hilarious, ArtemisPrime! Though I do gotta wonder what made you decide River can project images into other peoples' heads...and why Jayne ain't ready to fill her full of holes for showing off that ability;D


Sunday, March 18, 2007 9:42 AM


So...this was the realistic fic, huh? And I thought my head was full of weird sh*t :)

I can imagine the boys on a road-trip. Bickering over directions. And getting lost.

*plot bunny!*

Sunday, March 18, 2007 11:29 AM


Thanks for the kudos, everyone. BEB: if River can kill you with her brain then I figure she can manipulate it, too. And the filling of holes thing might be ignored because it got Mal into a bit of humiliating pickle with Zoe. SpaceAnJL: this ain't the fic. Got something else on the burner. I read a getting lost fic sometimes last fall (by Jane0904, I believe).

And only a 6/10? Hmm, have to think of the why for of that...

Sunday, March 18, 2007 1:08 PM


Well...I gave you a 9/10, so less one of these other jokers went all knife-in-your-back, I would say it's a glitch:(


Sunday, March 18, 2007 1:09 PM


Oh...and I personally have always though River was being metaphorical or facetious about her ability to kill Jayne with her mind. Either her brain is controlling the limbs being used to kill him, or she was just trying to scare the go se out of him;)


Thursday, April 12, 2007 8:56 AM


Hahahaha this was brilliant! The leprechaun was so random but I love the notion that River knew the boys were in trouble and helped them back. Also, Mal getting humiliated is too funny. Great work!

Saturday, October 16, 2010 10:34 PM


that was just the giggles I needed! Thanks for sharing.


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