All the usual caveats and addendums. This one takes place two days after the end of Heart of Gold. It contains spoilers for that episode. If you seen the episode or read the script, you probably have a pretty good guess what this is about. This started out as a snippet for the ff_friday challenge. The subject was Games. But somehow, along the way, it got too big for the challenge.

No More Games

Mal had been stewing for two days now. It was time to go confront the woman and get some things off his chest. Kaylee had just asked him why he had been so cranky lately and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her the reason. Anyway, she wanted to leave; it was her job to tell the rest of the crew, not his. Gorram woman. Yep, it was more than past time to have it all out in the open. He stalked off to Inara’s shuttle pushing Jayne and Book out of the way in the hall without even noticing they were there.

As he barged in, he said, "Inara, how’s about we don’t play any more games."

"Good morning to you too, Mal. What can I do for you?" As usual, Inara looked calm and composed. He suspected she didn’t feel that way inside, but he’d take calm and composed over screaming any day, so he guessed he shouldn’t bitch about it even though that, too, was a game of sorts.

"I know you don’t particularly want to talk about this, but I mean to have my say. It would be a kindness if you let me say what I need to with no interruptions. Then you can say whatever you feel is necessary and we can get this all out in the open."

The only thing that betrayed her upset, a slight tightening of her lips. Internally she struggled for control before replying. "I’ve told you I’m leaving, Mal. I don’t see where there is anything else to discuss. But go ahead, since I know you will anyway."

"If there was nothing more to discuss, you would have told me where to drop you off and you would have told the rest of the crew you were leaving. Seems to me that means you ain’t really serious; just using this an excuse to get me all riled up, so I do whatever it is you want me to do. Manipulating people and their emotions is a game to you. Hell, you do it without even thinking about it. But I ain’t in the mood to play today. So here’s what I want to say that you wouldn’t let me say the other day. I care for you Inara; more’n I’ve ever cared for any other woman. Might even say I love you."

Inara opened her mouth to reply and Mal stopped her before she could speak, saying, "Hush, let me finish first. Now don’t get all excited that I’ve said that. It don’t really change much. I can’t deal with you being a practicing Companion and having a relationship on the side with me. That ain’t gonna change and to be honest, I ain’t sure I can deal with you being a former Companion either. And you supporting the Alliance bothers me more than little as well. Love don’t conquer all. Hell, I wish it did, but that’s the way the ‘verse is."

Mal continued as Inara’s eyes filled with unshed tears. "As long as I’m getting it all out in the open, I don’t think I’d make you happy either. I can’t give you the lifestyle you seem to like and I doubt there will ever come a time when I would be respectable enough for you. So I don’t really see as how we’d ever have a future together. I’m sorry, Inara, I wish I could say different, but I just can’t."

Inara opened her mouth to speak again and Mal held up his hand to stop her. "I ain’t quite finished. This is hard enough for me to say, please just let me get it all said. I imagine after all that, you’re even more bent on leaving. You want to go, I won’t stop you. I think you know that. You got a right to build the kind of life you want. But truly, I don’t want you to go. You said that Nandi taught you about making a family right before your told me you was leaving. Not quite sure why you said that if you were already planning to go. Maybe you think that the other Companions are the only family you got and you ought to go back to where you feel at home. I don’t know. But this crew is family, too, and you are part of that family if you want to be. You leave and they all get hurt, not just you and me."

She gave him a long pleading look. He knew she was silently asking him to stop because she was on the edge of breaking down. But they’d played enough games with each other. These things needed to said out in the open, if either one was ever going to move on. So, he ignored the look and continued.

"You can stay and remain a Companion and we can be just friends as long as you know that I will, from time to time, have relationships with other women. Or you can stay and give up being a Companion and I’ll find you something to do for the ship. Could use someone to do the accounting and buy supplies and such. You want to do that, I’d be purely glad to have you. Then we could try to have a relationship or not as you choose. But recognize I can’t make any guarantees it would work out between us. We got lots of things to overcome and I just don’t know if we can. Or you can tell me where to drop you off and you can leave. But I ain’t telling the others if you choose to do that. You’ll have to do that yourself. I need to know, Inara, which it is, no games this time. You need to really commit to an action, not just say you’re gonna leave and then sit in limbo because you don’t want to take the actions needed to make it real. I can deal with whatever you decide, but I can’t handle not knowing. Well, I’ve said my piece."

"Mal, I…" Inara choked up and couldn’t speak anymore. She turned her back to him to try to regain her control. It didn’t work and she suddenly burst into tears. Mal reached out, turned her around, and pulled her close, letting her cry on him. They stood there for a long while, Inara crying and Mal awkwardly stroking her hair. Finally she stopped crying, but stayed in his arms for a few minutes more. Both knew this might be the closest they would ever get physically, so neither wanted the moment to end. But all moments must end and eventually Inara moved away.

Unable to meet his eyes, she looked away. "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall apart all over you like that. I haven’t cried in front of anyone since I was four years old."

He bit his lip and looked at the deck. "It’s OK, I’m sure that wasn’t any easier to hear than it was to say."

"Mal, I’ve been a Companion or training to be a Companion since I was 2 years old. Being a Companion isn’t what I do; it’s who I am. I can’t give it up. It would be like stopping breathing, it’s that much a part of me." Mal nodded at this, unsurprised. He didn’t agree with it, but he’d always figured Inara felt that way. "Mal I can’t give it up; I wouldn’t be me any more. And I can’t stay, not as much as I…want you." She whispered the last two words so low he almost couldn’t hear them. "Would you mind dropping me off on Shinon?" Tears were streaming silently down her face again.

He winced internally at her request. "Yeah, I’d mind, but if that’s really what you want, that‘s where I’ll take you."

Seemed like both had said all there was to say because they just stood there, saying nothing for a long time. Inara crying on the outside and Mal crying on the inside. Finally Mal took a deep breath and started to talk again. He didn’t really think it would work, but he had to try.

"Inara, you are so much more than just a Companion. I hate to see you limit yourself with that idea. It traps you, makes Inara invisible. Look at you - you’re well educated and smart; you could do anything you chose to do. If you weren’t a Companion, you’d still be beautiful and gracious and caring. Hell, you’d even still be stubborn."

A very tiny smile twitched at her lips at the last statement, but she didn’t say anything.

Mal continued, "You know, I hope, that I want what’s best for you. It’s just that I can’t see being a Companion as what’s best. Not if you feel it swallows you up and you ain’t nothing more than that."

"I can see why you might interpret what I said that way. But that’s not what I meant. I don’t feel swallowed up. You never see the good in being a Companion. But the rituals aren’t just things I do for a living, they are things which define me and bring meaning to my life. Mal, the first job of a companion is to heal people emotionally. Do you realize how important that is to me? How good it makes me feel? And I can’t do that very effectively when my feelings for you are tearing me up inside. That’s why I have to leave. I don’t want to give up who I am and I can’t seem to…"

She put her face in her hands, frustrated that she couldn’t think of how to say what she wanted to say. "Oh hell, Mal I just want you so gorram much and I know all the things you said earlier are true and that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that it would ever work out between us. Oh God, Mal, I just can’t live like this anymore." She was crying again, shaking hard in the depths of her despair. Mal pulled her close and just held. He figured there was nothing he could say that would help, and so, for once in his life, he kept his mouth shut.

He kept holding after she stopped crying. Just stroking her hair and back, calming her like you’d do for a frightened filly. "You OK now?"

"Not really, no."

"I’d help if I could."

"I know, I just don’t think anything would help right now."

"I wasn’t trying to hurt you, you know. But I had to get those things said."

"No Mal, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t what you said. It’s just the situation. I was trying to run away from my feelings and your feelings. You were right to insist on saying what you needed to say. I should have heard you out the other day."

She gave him a tentative smile. Of course with her face still streaked with tears, it didn’t really make her look very happy.

"I should tell Wash to change course. No sense in putting it off."

"I’m sorry, Mal. I wish I could stay and be what you want me to be. But I can’t give up who I am just because I love you. It wouldn’t be right."

"No it wouldn’t." The hell of it was, he knew she was right. It wasn’t fair to ask her to give up who she was to be with him. He’d known that all along; it was why he’d never said anything before. He could manipulate her and probably get her to stay. And it would work for awhile. But it wasn’t love if she wasn’t staying of her own free will. Sooner or later, she’d resent that he made her give up an important part of herself. And he truly loved her. He had to let her go if that was what she thought was best for her. So he’d sacrifice his chance at happiness to give her what she needed. If only it didn’t hurt so gorram bad. But he’d made it through war and death and torture. He could get through this, too.

"Inara, I understand why you feel you have to go. And I’m not gonna fight it. If that’s what’s best for you, then that’s what I want for you." There was a long pause while Mal tried to decide if what he wanted to ask would be taken the wrong way. But damn it, didn’t his needs matter some, too? He knew now that there would be no stopping her from leaving, least she could do was leave him with a memory. Man could live for a long time on a memory.

"Can I ask a favor?" She nodded. "Now I’m not asking this to try to get you to change your mind. It’s just…"

"You want to make love to me before I go, don’t you?"

"I do. It would mean a lot to me, more than I could ever say."

She looked at him and could see the hurt in every line of his body. It was obvious he needed the warmth and comfort of another human being right then, not just a quick roll in the hay. She’d caused that pain, it was only fair that she try to soothe it. But could she handle the cost of doing that? She’d had sex with a lot of men in her life. But she had never made love to one. It would change her forever to do this. The very idea terrified her. But he was giving her what she wanted even though it hurt. Couldn’t she do as much? He deserved to get at least a little scrap of happiness out of the situation. It wouldn’t fix anything between them, but at least they’d have the memory to help them get through the lonely times ahead.

Trembling, she lightly kissed him. He pulled her to his arms and kissed her hungrily. "You sure?"

"Yes, Mal. I’m sure."

Never taking his eyes off her, he slowly started to take off her clothes. As he touched her, Inara had the sensation that he was touching something both delicate and precious. She reached out to him and he pulled her into another long kiss. This one was gentler though. Full of love and joy and caring. No one had ever kissed her like that and she didn’t want it to stop, not ever.

Somehow (neither one remembered how, later), Mal’s clothes ended up on the floor and they were in the bed. His hands were exploring her body and her hands were exploring his. But it was a gentle exploration, not like the urgency she felt with most men. They both knew this would be the only time they made love and both wanted to savor the sensations instead of rushing to the finish. It didn’t take Mal long to find the best way to give her pleasure. He didn’t seem at all concerned with his own pleasure, just with hers. Over and over, he took her to the brink of orgasm and beyond. She realized that she had never had a real orgasm before, at least not like this. There was nothing fake or manipulative or even carefully schooled about what was happening between them. This was real. It was amazing. She wanted to give him as much in return, but suddenly felt shy. She knew every trick for pleasing a man there was, but this man wasn’t interested in tricks. She wasn’t sure if she knew how to have sex without the Companion tricks; she only knew she had to try. For once in her life, she was going to be real, too. No ceremony, no tricks, no schooled reactions.

"Please Mal, I need to feel you inside me."

A slow smile crossed his face. " Well, I imagine that could be arranged."

As he entered her, she arched her hips up to meet him. Not because the manual said to do it that way, but because she truly wanted to feel him in her as deep as he could go. Everything about Inara felt incredible to Mal. Her skin was so soft and she was so hot and wet and ready for him. He wanted it to last forever. They moved together in the ancient dance, savoring the sensations that coursed through them both, until he could hold off no longer and exploded in the most incredibly strong orgasm.

As they lay there entwined, Inara realized that nothing would ever be the same again, and yet somehow nothing had changed. She saw how much more she could have, yet she knew she didn’t have to courage to take that path. No, she still had to return to Shinon. It was the only way for her.

Mal knew that nothing had changed, too. He felt in every muscle of her body that she still intended to leave. It hurt and yet, he knew it was for the best. At least he had this to remember. He held her for a long time. Then kissed her on the forehead and said, "Guess I’d best go tell Wash to change course."