---

Can't look, can't look.

---

A certain pain level on downward, the memory starts storing in the body, not the mind, River knows. That's how they shut down and keep sane. Mostly.

They taught, did not show her that. But she knows.

Like when they're little. Smells and sounds trigger things that have no context. They exclaim, don't explain, things like excitement, sleep or desperatepanicfearscream.

River doesn't remember certain things because they made her sleep, though. Which is different.

And there are things Zoe and Mal don't remember. On purpose. Panicfearscream. But not. Like that.

When they shut down, River knows, they don't remember surviving, either.

That's how they stay locked in the shriekingfuryterror. Shrinking away, arms up, head down, knees bent, curled up.

Press to the wall.

Ground.

Press.

Muscles braced and elsewhere.

Elsewhere until later. Afterward.

Torture.

Trickles down through the generations. Techniques they learn trace back to the unexpected. Every war. Every side. Every. Side.

There's a man off in the crowd whose shoulders locked up tight when he saw the Captain. His hands go up and down, up and down, depending on which part of his mind, up and down, and he stares and inside he panicfearscreams and sometimes he can't can't sleep at night and something in his head takes over and there's a body memory and an afterwards and a dabbing up of blood and a silence about the matter. Up and down.

River doesn't say anything before turning.

River is going back to the ship, where there's Kaylee and Simon and books and food and the engine.

River doesn't want to go out with the Captain today.

She hums an elsewhere song and her hands go up and down, up and down, until she's far enough away.

- - - -

END.