I've been bitten by the fanfic bug, but still don't know how to do this properly. Same as before, I've written this as a screenplay due to my utter lack of narrative style. Any edits or comments would be very welcome. And if anyone out there has a clever way to do line breaks as opposed to hard returns, please let me know. It looks very different after I paste it and I’m wayyy to lazy to manually put all the breaks in.

Open Simon and Kaylee walking together in a fairly busy farmer’s market.

Kaylee “See, all I needed was some fresh air. I’m fine.”

Simon “Jayne’s cooking always makes me nervous. We’re lucky we’re not all sick….Ah, I see just the thing”

Notices a vendor selling apples, picks one up, hands it to Kaylee and pays for it.

Kaylee Regards apple “You know what they say…an apple a day…”

Simon Snatches apple “You’re right. I hadn’t thought about that”

Kaylee Lunges for him, one hand on his arm, another snatches apple back “What is it with you gorram Tams and MY produce?”

A third hand grabs his shoulder, an unseen person says “Simon Tam!

Simon, eyes wide, pivots to see who it is and gasps….

Kaylee clutches him thinking he’s been busted.

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Elegant older Asian woman grins at Simon.

“What, no apple for teacher?

“What are you doing here?”

“Good to see you too.”

“No I didn’t mean….”

Cuts him off “I know what I’m doing here, I live here. I‘m buying groceries. Did Osiris run out of fruit?”

“N-n-n-no. I’m just….”

Cuts him off again, turns her attention to Kaylee

“Rude boy, where are your manners. Aren’t you going to introduce me to the young lady?”

Simon, still reeling

“Ah…ah…. Of course. Kaylee, this is Mme. Huan, my old …

Mme Huan raises scolding eyebrow

“Former….mmy…Former music teacher. Mme Huan, this is Kaylee, m-m-y mechanic…”

Kaylee shoots evil look at Simon.

Mme Huan catches the look and smiles

Addressing Simon “You pay your mechanic in apples?

Kaylee smiles.

Mme. Huan to Simon “Better hurry up and buy flowers”

Simon completely looped , looks at Kaylee

Mme Huan. “Not for her, she already forgives you. The flowers are to thank me for inviting you to dinner tonight.” Pointing at him again “ No gladiolas, they‘re for funerals.”

Simon, just barely catching up.. “We couldn’t possibly… the rest. The crew… We have to get back to Serenity, to the ship.”

Mme. Huan to Simon “How big?”

Simon, baffled “Serenity?” Pointing to landmarks in the market “Um, about from here to ah there….”

Mme, Huan rolls eyes Addressing Kaylee “Kaylee, my dear, your crew, how big is your crew?”

Kaylee smiling, seeing where this is going. “We’re nine altogether countin’ me ‘n Simon”

Mme Huan “Nine? Well, there’s not much time to prepare for nine. Kaylee, you’ll have to scold him for giving me so little notice. I’d do it myself, but I have to go get dinner ready.”

Hands Kaylee a card

“ I’ll see you and your friends ….”

Group is approached by local sheriff. He’s a little schlubby in contrast to Mme Huan.

“Mme Huan! How are ya? Thank you again for the tickets, the missus and I had a real fine time at the concert.”

Mme Huan “I’m so pleased.” Goes to make introductions “Sheriff, this is…”

Simon shoots pleading look at Mme Huan and shakes his head “no” ever so slightly

Mme Huan Hardly misses a beat in finishing her sentence “…my nephew Stephen and his new bride Kaylee. But, of course, you already met Stephen at my party last year.”

Sheriff Faking recognition “Of course, of course. How the heck are you?” Slaps Simon on the back like an old friend, but doesn’t wait for a response, turns back to Mme Huan. “ Well, I just wanted to thank you again for the tickets. Enjoy the day.”

Simon “Steven?”

Mme Huan “The sheriff forgot his manners and REALLY enjoyed my punch at a party last year. He forgot meeting a number of guests. He forgot many things that night. How to walk, how to keep his thoughts about women to himself, how his wife was beside him…..: Turns her attention back to Simon.

Kaylee looks very embarrassed all of a sudden, but recovers.

Mme Huan “So, Steven, dinner, your crew, my house, 7:30. You can explain all of this then.” Addressing Kaylee, “ It was wonderful to meet you dear…When your ‘husband’ stops catching flies with his mouth…”

Simon realizes his mouth has been agape for the past minute and shuts it.

Mme Huan “ and finally snaps out of it, you’ll be kind enough to remind him ‘no gladiolas.’

Mme Huan leaves gracefully

Kaylee “You okay?”

Simon “I feel dizzy.”

Kaylee Returning apple to Simon “Here, eat this.”

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Opens in Mme Huan’s dining room. Large and elegant. A grand piano sits off in one side, a large fireplace on the other. The long dining table is decked out, linen, crystal, silver, flowers, the works. The crew is slightly more dressed up than usual, not much, but they‘re trying. Dinner is winding down and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves a great deal. Small cups of what seems to be sorbet are on each plate. Jayne pokes at his, sniffs it and only then decides to taste a little. He decides it’s good, bolts the rest, and looks around for more. Simon looks very comfortable and is finishing hi story from “Out of Gas”

Simon “…so, this upright citizen is just furious. He’s going to sue me, he’s going to sue the hospital, my nurses will never work in this town again. He knows the medical elect, He won’t stand for this, on and on…Finally, the second abdominal scan comes back, and the tech puts it up on screen….and there, lodged in his lower intestine, clear as day… is a cucumber.”

Table busts out laughing.

Kaylee, seated next to him “No! What did you say?“

Table quiets back down

Simon finishes “Everyone went dead silent for what seemed like…forever, so I turned to him and said the only thing I could think of, which was ….’Sir, you’re going to have to chew your food better.”

Everyone laughs, even Jayne

Mme Huan Clearly amused -- teases Simon “Wicked child, telling a story like that at the table.” Turns to Mal “You’re a bad influence on my boy, getting him into trouble no doubt. I won’t have it.”

River “That’s my job!”

Mme Huan “It was not your job, since no one paid you… it was your hobby, and I wish you would get a new one. Speaking of which, why don’t you play for us, it’s been years since I’ve heard you play.”

River smiles and goes to the piano Simon follows her. Kaylee follows Simon.

Music starts and folks start talking to the person next to them.

Mme Huan turns to Mal and gestures towards Kaylee behind them “She’s lovely. She must be very kind too. Simon never could quite get the hang of girls, or people in general for that matter. ”

Mal “All I can say is he better not hurt little Kaylee.”

Mme Huan “That child would not hurt a spider.”

Mal “A fly, you mean. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Mme Huan “Were you there? Hiding behind the curtains? I do not think so…He would catch spiders in cups and take them outside. Used his mother’s crystal.” Mme Han flips an empty goblet over a loose grape to demonstrate. “She always looked at them soooo carefully after, for chips or spider legs I never knew. She worried about each and every one.”

Music stops as Simon joins River for a simple duet.

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Jayne to Wash “ Listen to him, tinkling away on the piano like a pretty little fairy.”

Mme Huan overhears, addresses Jayne “Jayne, it is Jayne isn’t it? Do you like (pussy -- in Chinese)?

Jayne barely stops a spit take. The rest of the table is shocked she’d use such a word.

Jayne ‘Come again?

Mme Huan ”Did I slip and speak in Swahili? I said, do you like (pussy}?

Jayne, looking at her suspiciously, is she coming on to him? “Yeah…”

Mme Huan “My husband plays classical guitar, he’s famous, even you….have probably heard of him. He is 10 years older and 10 pounds lighter than I am. He is bald and very very wrinkly. But at concerts, all the young girls want to be with him. Even if he were single, he still would not have enough time to “attend” to all of his fans. Girls love a man who plays an instrument. They like a man who is good with his hands.”

Jayne. “Huh.”

Mme Huan. “You can have that guitar there if you like. The girls will be all over you.”

Jayne. “For free?”

Mme Huan “Yes. You won’t have to pay for sex. You’ll have to beat girls away with a big stick.”

Jayne “No, the guitar. You’re giving it to me?”

Mme Huan nods

Jayne smiling “Shiny. And (smugly) I’ve already got a big stick.”

Mme Huan So nice to help a young person discover music. ------------------------------

The evening is winding down. Simon is playing the piano pretty much alone. The rest of the crew is gathered around the fireplace at the other end of the room, drinking hot beverages from mugs.

Mme Huan to Simon “You haven’t been practicing”

Simon “You’d be surprised, Not so many grand pianos in space. I’ve looked.”

“No, you stopped playing before you left Osiris. Why?

“No time”

“Time is an excuse not to do things you don’t want to do. But you always liked to play. Why did you stop?”

“I was wasting my time, not much future being an amateur musician. I had no talent for it.”

“That’s your father talking. I can hear him.….He was right though….. You never had a talent for music, and you never will.”

Simon, hurt by this remark, looks down.

Mme Huan “Do you know what amateur means?”

“Not professional, not very good.”

“Wrong, such a silly boy. The root of the word is “love.” An amateur does something because he loves it. Because it brings him joy. Not for money, not because it comes so easy with talent. You loved music so much, and you practiced so hard. I have never been so proud of a student. My wonderful amateur.’

Simon, smiling and almost blushing with the rare compliment, looks back down at his hands.

Mme Huan continues. “So, love and hard work. Even if you have no talent. It is not much, but it is enough.” Leans in to Simon “Works on pretty mechanics as well as pianos”

Simon smiles sheepishly. Continues to play, reading the music in front of him.

Simon “I…can’t…It’s complicated. River needs me.”

Mme Huan egging him on “ River needs you. Kaylee wants you. Trust me, being wanted is better.”

Simon “Wanted. There’s that too, we’re fugitives. And I’ve got nothing. ( laughs) That apple I got her today pretty much tapped me dry.”

Mme Huan “I thought you might say that. Instead of giving her an apple, try a pair.”

Simon looks puzzled “A pear?”

Mme Huan “No child, a pair, this pair to be exact.” Opens up her hand to reveal a stunning but simple pair of emerald earrings.

Simon fumbles the keys and stops playing. The others turn to see what’s happened. Simon resumes

Mme Huan places the earrings in front of him. “They were your grandmothers.” Simon can’t believe his eyes “So my mother was right?? I never believed….”

Mme. Huan cuts him off with a slight movement of her hand

“Don’t be ridiculous. I never understood why your mother made up that ridiculous story. She didn’t even bother to hide them before accusing me. They were right there on the dresser.”

Mme Huan pauses, takes a breath She felt the need to lie to my face, so I felt the overwhelming need to make it true. I took them right in front of her and left. They’ve been in a little box on my dresser ever since.”

Simon “You never even wore them?”

Mme. Huan “I couldn’t stand to look at them. They always seemed…tarnished…..So, take them, please. You can sell them, buy a house, or a small moon or……”

Simon “Or?”

Mme Huan “Or you could give them to someone who’ll think they are, how does she say it?”

Simon looks over at Kaylee, laughing by the fire. “Shiny.”

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